15: The Talk (Along the Way, Chapter 7 - Home for the Holidays 2 point 0)

Based on the amount of time Van spent talking about him if nothing else, Darren and I knew that Patrick was going to be someone special. Although they were only in high school, they had such a strong and immediate connection that we wondered if perhaps he was "the one" for Van.

We had a second version of "the Talk" after they started dating, making sure our younger son understood that not only should he insist on being treated with respect, he should always do the same for this sweet and energetic boy that he cared for so much.

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Van, Darren, and I were settled in the living room with cups of hot chocolate. After our younger son had revealed earlier in the week that he and Patrick were now an official couple, his father and I asked him to come home - alone - for the weekend so we could discuss the implications of their new status.

"Am I in trouble?" our son asked with a hint of a smile.

"Yes, Van, we waited for three days to talk to you about your heinous crime, and we're punishing you by not letting you have marshmallows in your cocoa," his father replied with a sly grin.

Shaking my head at my husband's silliness, I began, "Seriously, honey, we want to talk about you and Patrick."

"We haven't done anything, Mom, I swear! I mean we kiss, of course, and cuddle when we watch movies, but, nothing else, I..."

"Van, we're not here to discuss the details of what you and Patrick do or don't do..."

With a confused expression, our son asked, "Then...why...?"

Darren reached over to squeeze Van's hand. "When we talked about this originally, you were in middle school, and everything was theoretical. And, of course, A LOT has happened since then."

Van nodded, replying, "You can say that again!"

"So...now that you're involved with Patrick, we wanted to review things...to clarify how two adults relate when they're in a serious relationship..."

"Oh, okay...what did you want to...review?"

I took over. "We're hoping that Dad and I, and your grandparents, and your uncles - Jeff and Colin and Chris and Julian - have provided good examples of how couples communicate and treat each other. At the start of a romance it might seem like everything will always be perfect, but..."

Van interrupted, "...but, it doesn't work that way, does it?"

"Unfortunately, no," I answered with a chuckle. "All of us will be happy to answer any questions you - or Patrick - have, whether it's now, or as things...progress, but today, we wanted to go over two particular facets of romantic relationships: disagreements and mutual respect."

Taking in a steadying breath, I launched into my story. "When Dad and I were first married, we hadn't actually been together all that long. Up until then, we'd only lived in the same place from a few days up to a few months at a time, which seemed more like vacations than real life. As you might imagine, we had a lot of adjusting to do, and we thought we were managing it, but..."

With a baffled expression, Van looked from me to his father, while I continued to explain.

"When you transition from worrying about yourself to worrying about you AND someone else, it's easy to ignore the small things, for a while. No one wants to rock the boat, and after all, it's no big deal to put the other person's shoes away. Just takes a second, even though it is increasingly annoying every time you have to do it."

"Dad...?" Van asked, looking to Darren for further explanation.

"Van, we are not suggesting that you and Patrick are anywhere near this type of commitment, but it was the best example we could think of. I was a bit of a slob before Mom and I got together. I used to just kick off my shoes when I came in the house, and I kept doing it, even though she repeatedly asked me - very nicely - not to. Then, one day..." Darren grabbed my hand and raised it to my lips, making me smile.

"One day, Mom fell over my shoes, and went flying along with all the groceries she was carrying."

"Oh my god! Did you get hurt, Mom?"

"Not physically, sweetie. You see, Dad and I had been burying all the...problems that had been building up, so my falling over his shoes was...the last straw for me. I...um...screamed at Dad. I actually...swore at him."

Van's mouth fell open. "MOM! I've never heard you swear AT anyone! Maybe the computer, but that doesn't count! What did you do, Dad?"

"I'm not proud of this, Van, but I...uh...screamed back at her."

"But...you two NEVER fight!"

"That's our point, honey. We don't fight, because we learned to not let it get that far. We discuss problems as they arise, and yes, sometimes, we DISAGREE or ARGUE. We learned that when we let issues fester and compound, we are more likely to say nasty things that we don't mean but can't take back."

"I get it...I'm shocked, but I get it."

"Great!" Darren responded in a relieved tone. "The other point we want to discuss is a bit more...delicate. Mom meant it when she said that we don't want to get into...the details of what you and Patrick do...or don't do together..."

Van was starting to turn pink.

I continued, "...and we know that you know how to be - and know how important it is to be - safe and comfortable when you are together."

Our younger son nodded, his face beet red, mumbling, "I've still got the condoms and lube I bought with Uncle Jeff."

"Good," Darren replied. "We want to talk about sex more in terms of respect and understanding."

"Okay," Van agreed quietly, staring at the floor.

"Honey, please look at us. We know this isn't easy, but we'll all be better people for having gotten through it together."

Van raised his head with a shy smile, then Darren began. "Sweetie, it's fine that you and Patrick haven't done more than kiss and cuddle, if that's what you're both comfortable with. The point is that your comfort should depend on your partner's comfort and vice versa. It's important that you establish ground rules when you're not caught up in the heat of the moment, because then it's easy for one of you to push the other farther than you're ready to go."

"We have talked about...it...a little. But, you're right, Dad. We need to be as clear as possible with each other."

Expanding on what Darren had said, I continued, "Of course you matter to us, because you're our son and we love you, but Patrick matters too. We don't want either of you to do anything that you regret because you think you need to in order to make the other one happy."

Van nodded in understanding one last time before asking, "Have I told you lately how lucky I am to have you as my parents?" Then he crossed to us, enveloping us in a group hug.

Neither Darren nor I could answer around the lumps in our throats, so we just hugged him - and each other - back.