"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part."
- John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany
7
Emmett was in shock, stoic, and defeated. He had bruising across his chest from the force of the seat belt when he braked to avoid the accident in front of him. He was fortunate he hadn't come away with more severe injuries. Not forgetting the severity of damage to his heart and everything connected to it. I don't think he was at the point yet where he realized it was important he had avoided the crash and survived for his son. At this stage in grieving, I was pretty certain he wanted to be dead.
He didn't know what to do with himself, let alone with tiny Ben. I went back to Charlie's from the hospital that afternoon, packed a bag, kissed my dad, and turned up on the doorstep of what had been my sister's home. When Em opened the door to me, I saw his shoulders visibly droop with relief. He stood to the side and I walked through, placing my bag down in the foyer. I watched as he turned the lock before I moved toward him, standing on my tiptoes to reach up and hug his tall frame. We didn't speak; I simply broke our embrace and went through to warm Ben's bottle. As I passed him on my way to the stairs, his son in my arms, he opened his mouth to say something, but his eyes said it all.
"You don't owe me any thanks, Emmett," I whispered. "We were sisters…this is simply what we do."
I had spent a lot of time helping Rose since she was near full-term in her pregnancy and still working. My income through college was from a job as a nanny, so helping my sister with her newborn came surprisingly naturally to me. I was eternally grateful now that I had spent so much time hanging out with her and Ben, even if I had only been there to have company while working away on my laptop. It meant that I could now step in to help Emmett with little worry that we weren't doing things how Rose would have. The little guy needed as much consistency as possible at this time, and thankfully, it was the one thing we could attempt to give him, short of giving him his mom back.
Emmett's parents arrived shortly after me. Once Jude McCarty had made sure Emmett was sedated and asleep later that night, they decided to check into a nearby hotel. She was reluctant to leave me, but I promised I'd be okay. If I was being truthful, I didn't know that, but I did know that Ben was keeping me okay for now. If I focused on him, I didn't have to focus on reality. They promised to be back first thing, thanking me for finding the strength to be there. I told them that Emmett would need them, so I was thankful they were there too.
Alice brought Charlie over the next day so that we could all be together. The funeral director needed to meet with us; the idea of that alone filled me with a nauseous dread. I wasn't sure how we would make a collective decision about what should define Rose and her life when those who knew her came to "pay their respects." Alice and I stayed side by side. I'd care for Ben when he was awake, and when he slept, we would let ourselves cry together. We couldn't find the words to talk about it yet. We just held each other and hoped that eventually it would be enough. In those hours, we stayed away from the rest of the family as much as possible. They didn't need to be burdened with the extent of our grief along with their own.
Over the past few years, I had been hesitant to move into my own place, staying at home with Charlie right through college. I didn't want to leave him to live alone, the last child to fly the nest. Recently though, he had been seeing a lovely lady named Sue and getting out with friends to go hunting or for a drink instead of just working. Sue and Alice stepped in to help out after the accident, making sure he had company and something on the table at meal times, even when he wouldn't eat. When Emmett came into Ben's room and asked me if I'd move in to the spare room indefinitely, I felt comfortable saying yes. Emmett never asked much of people; so asking me this was a telling admission. Charlie would be okay without me, and he was just around the block to visit each day. My nephew needed the next closest thing to his mom until his dad was ready.