Broken
One week later:
Severus had been released from the Hospital Wing three days before and the ones responsible for putting him in there had been interrogated by the Aurors and transported to holding cells in Azkaban while they awaited their turn before the Wizengamot for a trial. Eileen had since gone home, reassured by Dickon that he would keep an eye on her son and make sure he was safe.
Unfortunately, there was no way the astronomer could have kept Severus safe from a broken heart. Nor any way he could have predicted the relationship between Lily and Severus to suddenly take a turn for the worse and then shatter.
Severus and Lily had planned very carefully to stage their break-up very publically, and to facilitate things, Regulus and Severus had taken to hanging around the Death Eater crowd in their House, allowing them to "escort" Severus around the school once he emerged from the Hospital Wing and sit with them at lunch. Severus barely spoke to them, but that was not surprising, as he was normally a quiet and private person, save when he was alone with Lily or Regulus. He detested the time he needed to spend in the company of Avery, Nott, and the others of that set, but he knew it was necessary and he endured the charade with inwardly gritted teeth.
Lily began to avoid him, and allowed her dislike of Severus' new friends to show on her face, and then some of the other Gryffindor girls, like Mary McDonald and Alice Stewert, began to start up their mutterings about "never trusting a Slytherin" and how Lily should watch her step dating " a tricky snake". Only Cindy knew that the whole "Severus going dark" was a charade, for Regulus had let her in on the secret, saying that Lily would need female companionship once the break-up was official.
James was also playing his role, following Lily around and offering to carry her bookbag, though his heart was most decidedly not in it. His friends were confused and puzzled, since they all knew about him and Tuney, and he had to keep telling them he would explain everything when school ended. "For now, just trust me."
The three had planned their big scene a week from the day Severus was released from the infirmary, figuring that was more than enough time for people to become curious and notice something wasn't right. Also, James feared if they waited any longer than that, all of them might lose their nerve and never be able to do it at all.
It was set to happen near the shore of the Black Lake, since that was where many of the students tended to congregate after class, to talk and fool around. It took place upon a Monday, and Severus was walking with Regulus out beside the lake, heading towards the castle.
Outwardly, he appeared calm and unruffled, but inside he was a mess of conflicting emotions, his stomach was churning so hard he feared he might vomit, he dreaded the coming conflict but at the same time he wished Potter and Lily would hurry up and make their appearance so he could have this wretched moment over and done with. Like drinking a foul-tasting draft, the quicker you closed your eyes and gulped it, the quicker it would be gone.
He fought to keep from clenching his fists, he had to act like nothing was wrong until he saw Lily and James together. He made himself stick his hands inside his pockets, that way he could grind his nails into his palms to relieve some of the awful tension. For one single minute he was tempted to just call it all off and to hell with everything. This would never work. It was crazy. He could never act like he hated Lily. She was his life.
Reg touched his shoulder lightly, looking at the pale-faced prefect in concern. "It'll be all right." He murmured so quietly that Severus hardly heard him. "Someday."
Severus nodded and kept walking. Where in bloody Merlin's name were they?
* * * * * *
Lily had all she could do to keep from shrugging James' arm from her shoulders, or snapping at him to back off. This was how they had planned to run this little deception. James was going to play the interested boy hoping to lure Lily away from the nasty unsuitable Slytherin, and Lily was going to allow Severus to see her with James. The outraged boyfriend would be a very believable reaction.
If she could just get over wanting to smack Potter across the face. Take it easy, Evans. It's all an act. He doesn't mean to hold you so close. Or to put his hand about you and cup your shoulder that way.
Actually, James wasn't holding her very tightly, but Lily was very tense and feeling nauseous at having to play this scene, and the feel of the Gryffindor's arm about her caused her to feel even more guilty and upset and that in turn made her angry. I don't want to do this. Merlin help me, I don't! But I have to. I have to. It's for Sev. So he'll be safe.
But even as she thought that, she wanted to run and hide, abandon her sworn oath and forsake all but the one she loved. She had used most of her store of courage just allowing James to be seen walking with her towards the lake. She could see the astonishment and shock in most of the students' eyes as she passed them by, and then she heard the whispers begin as soon as her back was to them.
She had finally seen the light. She finally realized what a slimy piece of trash Snape was and had gone with the glorious Golden Chaser. They made the perfect couple, proud lion and his beautiful lioness . . .It made her want to turn and hex them all. Or run and vomit into the bushes beside the path. She gulped and pasted a smile upon her face that she felt sure must be as fake as a golden foil Galleon. She forced herself to look up at James and make small talk with him and look all calf-eyed.
James smiled at her, feeling as awkward and wretched as she did. Once he would have relished this "victory" but that was before he knew what it was like to truly love a girl, not want to simply win her away from his Slytherin rival. Bright Merlin, I hope this works. I've never been particularly good at acting. He snuggled Lily closer to his side, keeping his face turned toward her, so anyone watching wouldn't see how uncomfortable this was for him. Pretend it's Tuney. Just pretend it's her you're holding.
* * * * * *
Regulus spotted them first, because Severus was looking at the ground, trying to conceal his bitten swollen lip that he had not managed to quit nipping at while walking up the path.
"Sev!" Reg nudged his friend. "Here they come."
Severus looked up, and saw Lily and James coming down the path, James was gazing at her with a rather unfocused look on his face and Lily appeared to be smiling up at him, but Severus could tell the smile was forced. But only because he knew her so well. He halted beside a small sycamore tree, waiting for the couple to notice him.
Hell, Potter, you could hold her a little closer, she's not got a disease. You act like we're in primary school, you imbecile!
Potter looked up then, saw Severus, then abruptly pulled Lily into an embrace and kissed her.
He released her after a few minutes, but it was enough to confirm to those watching that he was serious about her. And it was long enough to make Severus jealous.
He drew in a deep breath. Showtime, Snape. Then he started up the path, breathing hard, his eyes narrowed in slits of fury. "Potter! What do you mean putting your filthy mouth and hands all over my girl?"
James kept his arm about Lily, possessively, and turned to sneer at Severus. "Who said she's yours anymore, Snape? Seems to me she's finally come to her senses and learned who's the better man."
Severus laughed. "That'll be the day." He looked at Lily. "What are you doing letting him paw you like that, Lil?"
Lily stepped away from James to face her boyfriend. "He wasn't pawing me, Severus. He was escorting me on a walk."
"Oh? Looked like he was doing a bit more than walking if you ask me?" sneered Severus. "Since when do you hang aroud bullying toerags like him?"
Lily allowed a bit of temper to show in her green eyes. "You're a fine one to talk, Severus Snape! Look at who you're hanging out with! The dregs of the school!"
"Better them than that arrogant ass over there!" Severus fired back. "A few months ago you couldn't stand him, and now I see you snuggling and snogging him! I never figured you for an unfaithful bint!" He felt his stomach twist as he spoke those words.
"How dare you, Snape!" Lily shouted. "You don't own me, you treacherous snake!"
"Me? Treacherous? Excuse me, but I don't see a girl hanging all over me and drooling like a sweet-deprived six-year-old!"
"You're treacherous because you chose to be friends with dark wizards. Those new friends of yours are all walking the road to death and destruction and so are you if you follow them. They hate Muggleborns!"
"Lily, they're with me for my protection, it has nothing to do with us. Unlike you and Potter. How could you?" Severus cried, sounding outraged, disgusted, and hurt all at once. And it was not quite an act, for the mere thought of Lily letting another guy touch her like that sent his temper skyrocketing.
"How could you choose those lowlifes to be friends with after you promised me you'd never follow them?" Lily demanded, glaring at him through a sheen of tears that were not fake at all. Her heart was slowly breaking, but she forced herself to continue. "I asked you to stay away from them and now I see you going about with them like they were your best friends. Mary was right about you! You really are a slimy bastard! Next thing you know, you'll be cracking jokes about the right way to treat a Muggleborn and calling me a . . .a . . .Mudblood!"
Severus strode two steps towards her and stopped, looking at her with a slightly ill expression upon his face. "Who do you think you are, Evans? I'm not some beggar you can order around! My friends are my business, and I'd sooner call you a two-timing bitch, for that's what you are!" Forgive me, Lily. "How long have you been doing Potter behind my back?"
Lily went white and for a moment James feared she would faint and that would ruin it all. So he shouted, "At least I know how to treat a lady, Snivellus!"
Severus spun on him. "Shut your bloody trap, Potter! Before I make it so you'll never have children in this lifetime."
Lily managed to compose herself and she stepped in front of James, her wand clutched in her fist. "Leave James alone! This's between you and me, Snape. And . . .and I am not a bitch, you greasy-haired viper!" Then she lifted her hand and slapped Severus across the face.
It was not a particularly hard slap, but Severus acted as if she had hit him hard, jerking his head back at the impact. The slap stung, but it was nothing compared to others he'd had.
"It's over, Snape! I won't be friends with a dark wizard."
"Good!" he put a hand to his cheek, covering it. "Because at least they know the meaning of loyalty . . .unlike you, Evans! And here I thought you were different from all the rest of those stuck-up Gryffie bitches! Ha! You couldn't wait to go running to Mr. Popular, could you? Well, I hope you're satisfied, you deserve each other!"
"Well, at least with James I don't need to worry about waking up next to a man who's pledged his soul to a monster! Death Eater scum! You deserve an eternity in Azkaban, you coward!" Lily lashed back. "Oh, and just so you know, Snivellus, I never loved you!" Then she turned on her heel and walked over and hugged James, pressing her face into his shirt to hide the tears. Sev, I'm so sorry! So very sorry! "Get me out of here!" she hissed.
James clutched her hard and threw Severus a triumphant smirk. "Next time date one of your own kind, Snivellus!" Then he quickly turned and walked rapidly back towards the school, Lily held close.
"Up yours, Potter!" Severus snarled, half-drawing his wand.
Regulus grabbed his wand hand, shaking his head. "Don't, Sev! He's not worth it. And neither is she. They're two of a kind. Self-righteous stuck-up arseholes and they'll never change. Come on, put your wand away."
Severus allowed Regulus to force his wand down, he was trembling. For one instant he had forgotten this was a masquerade and had almost hexed Potter. He allowed Regulus to draw him away, in the opposite direction of the Gryffindor couple. He felt torn apart inside, Lily's cruel words echoed in his head, snapping at his subconscious like vicious wild dogs. She didn't mean them. You know that. It was all a ruse. A lie. She didn't mean it. He knew that, but still his soul shriveled in agony to hear those final words. I never loved you. He walked rapidly, his head lowered, his face a mask of cold acceptance. Inside he was howling, for he had said things that would have been unforgivable to her were these other circumstances.
"Sev? You okay?" Reg asked worriedly.
He shook his head. Then he looked up at Regulus and said with a bitter smile, "And to think, I was worried we wouldn't be convincing!" He turned away, regret and guilt lodging deep within his heart. But at least there would be no doubt in anyone who had witnessed that fight that what had been between Severus and Lily was no more.
We played our roles to perfection, he thought hollowly, and in the back of his throat he tasted the salty bitterness of unshed tears.
* * * * * *
Hidden in a copse of trees near Hagrid's garden, James held a sobbing Lily awkwardly, not knowing how to comfort one who had just torn apart her heart and her beloved's for their own survival. Even knowing that it had been an act, still James could not help but feel for the distraught girl in his arms and also for his former rival, forced to allow another to walk off with the love of his life. I could never have pulled that off. Never. You're a stronger man than I am, Severus Snape.
He patted Lily gently. "Hey, Lily. Hey. It's going to be all right."
"No . . .it'll never be all right, Potter!" she sobbed, her words barely audible. "What I said to him . . .I hurt him so bad . . ."
"You didn't mean it. He'll forgive you," James whispered in her ear. "It wasn't real."
"Doesn't matter . . .you don't understand . . ." she wailed. "I told him I didn't love him!"
Fresh sobs shook her as she relived that awful moment. Even if it hadn't been true, those words had come out of her mouth. What he had said to her had been bad enough, but she had gone one step further. Even if he forgave her, she did not know how she would ever forgive herself for being so cruel. She had not intended to say anything like that, but then she had grown angry in spite of herself and that had come blurting out. But I didn't mean it! I didn't! Oh God, why did I ever think this was a good idea? Why? And she wondered with a stab of terror, if she had really broken their relationship to pieces after all? Please Merlin, let me not have ruined everything.
I dreaded writing this chapter. It gave me fits even though I knew it had to be done. I apologize for making all of you wait for it, I had a crazy holiday season to start with and then I started writing a Christmas fic, Away In A Manger, that was just addicting and gave me another excuse to delay writing this.
It was really hard, and I hope you like it!
Happy New Year and I'll try and update faster, though the next chapter is going to be full of angst too as Lily and Severus have to deal with repurcussions of the "break-up", privately and publically.