"Momma, we go?" E.J. asks, as I fasten his little denim overalls. Hearing a southern accent come out of that mouth with that face is pretty funny.
"Yes, baby, we're going to a party."
"Parry", he repeats, and I pick him up, planting a kiss on his temple.
My '86 Honda is still running, and I tuck E.J. into his baby seat, where he whines. He hates to be constricted.
"It makes Momma happy for you to be safe and sit in your big boy seat. Momma loves you. You love momma right?"
He sighs in a gesture far beyond his years. "Ya." I have to snort.
At Merlotte's everyone is assembled at tables outside for Mikey's birthday. I had no idea. I'll have to get him a present later.
The minute I put him down, E.J. runs over to Mikey, and they start chattering in toddler speak.
Terry watches me as I sit down. I never take my eyes off my son.
"He's gonna be okay you know", Terry says.
"Oh, I know, I know."
"No, you don't. He'll be fine."
The kids are kicking a ball around. E.J. picks it up, peeking around, then hides it under the table. He toddles off.
Mikey starts looking around for his ball, upset. E.J. reveals it, by throwing it in the air, having a good laugh at the look on Mikey's face. Oh God, only Eric's son.
"He's very smart", Terry says.
"He's smart all right", I laugh.
"I ain't gonna ask how he was born, Sookie, but he's a fine boy you can proud of." No one doubts he's Eric's despite the implausibility. The kid is his duplicate. Terry's voice is filled with emotion. Terry is a dear. As he grows up, E.J. is going to need a man in his life. I hope Terry will look out for him.
E.J. watches us together, trying to figure things out. Our most regular child visitor is Hunter. Since my cousin's death, Hunter has only his father, so E.J. is used to kids having only one parent. But with Arlene and Terry, he gets confused. Why does Mikey have two when he only has one?
He's seen Terry with Arlene and Mikey calls him "Daddy." Now he sees me with Terry. I can see him trying to work it out. My son is just too damned smart.
He toddles over and looks up at Terry. "Daddy?"
"No, no, baby", I say, sweeping him into my arms.
Awkwardly, Terry jumps up, pats E.J. on the head, and goes back to Arlene.
My baby's eyes are brimming with tears. "Terry isn't your Daddy, honey, he's Mikey's Daddy."
He whines "no", confused. Then he bursts into tears "Doesn't want to be my Daddy", like Terry had chosen not to be.
"No, no, honey, it's not that."
Oh God. I thought he would be older when this came up. I thought I'd be prepared. Would I ever have been prepared?
"Your Daddy had to leave us, baby. He left to save us. He's a hero." Does he understand any of this? I'm wiping away tears.
"When'ss coming back?" My heart is ripped in half.
"He's not coming back, baby." I pull him into my arms, and carry him away so we can cry together. His little body is shaking as I hold him close.
"Don't cry Momma", he says.
This is Eric's legacy. Me and my son sobbing in each other's arms, while the world happily goes on without us.
I want to smack him and scream "how dare you?" Sometimes I think if I saw him, I'd kill him again with my own two hands. But no, I'd do anything to hold him just one more time.
But this is maudlin, and not good for my son. I can't hold onto unrealistic expectations and have E.J. pick up on them.
"We're doing good, right?" I ask my son. "We're doing okay." I bounce him up and down and promise pizza to get the tears to stop. He just leans his head on my shoulder. I can offer pizza instead of a Daddy.
"Sook…"
It's Lafayette who nearly scared the pants off me. Coming up so quiet.
"I need to talk to you", he says softly. "Let Arlene and Terry take E.J."
I nod and carry E.J. back over to Terry and Arlene. Terry throws the ball to the boys, and E.J.'s sadness is immediately forgotten. It's so easy when you're a child, and I'm so thankful he's not going through what I am.
"C'mon Sook…"
I follow Lafayette into the bar. We sit down and I just stare at him in encouragement.
"Sook, we're going to have a girl's night out Thursday."
I shake my head. "E.J. just grew out of all his t-shirts. I can't spend $20 on drinks."
"We're gettin together here, at Merlottes, and the dranks is free, whether Sam knows it or not. It's ladies night after all." He winks.
"I would have to find someone to watch E.J…."
"Terry and Arlene are gonna watch E.J.", he says.
"If it's girl's night out, why isn't Arlene comin?"
"It's more like magic girl's night out", he says, mysteriously.
"Lafayette, I appreciate you tryin to cheer me up, but I don't know what you're talkin about and I don't think I wanna know. I already prevail upon people's good will too much. And E.J. never likes to stay with anyone else anyway."
Lafayette smiles sadly. "I know. I see him which you, and, when you're holdin that child, he melts. Like he's safe, like he can relax. The big one did the same thing." He rolls his eyes. "That child loves to be in his beautiful Momma's arms. Who wouldn't compared to Terry Bellefleur?"
I wipe a tear rolling down my cheek.
"Did you call me in here to break my heart again?" I look forward to the day I can manage to go more than 48 hours without crying. I must have the cleanest eyeballs in Louisiana.
"No. I felt it needed to be said, and someday you might be glad you know. But now…I got something else to talk to you about. You know I have…powers, right?" he asks.
"You're a medium", I say, wiping my eyes.
"Yeah, I'm a medium. And more. When I…when Marnie…when I, killed Jesus, I got his powers. So I'm a brujo."
"You're a witch?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"A witch. And kinda like a demon. I made you wreck your car…um, sorry about that."
My mouth falls open. "Lafayette", I say, pulling back, "I don't know if you should be playing around with magic."
"Sook, whether that bitch was crazy or not, with Marnie I learned some stuff…some stuff about the dead and about…blood sacrifices. It took one from Jesus to stop her."
My head snaps up to look into his eyes.
I know better than to trust this.
"Sookie, if you don't want to get into this, I understand, I wouldn't do it to get Jesus back. Too dangerous, risky, and ya don't know what you're gettin back."
"Lafayette, I heard when Marnie tried to bring back the dead, all she brought back was a damn bird, and it lived under 30 seconds. If I see Eric for 30 seconds, and lose him again, it will KILL me, Lafayette. I'm not exaggerating, it would kill me." The risk…is too great.
And suddenly I'm pissed off. Really, really pissed off. He's fucking around with my life, my sanity, with my child's life. "How many times do you want me to watch him die?! "
"Sook, calm down", Lafayette responds, holding up both hands.
"I will not calm down. I would give anything on this earth to have my husband back. But there's nothing here for me and my son but more tears."
He pulls out a book. "Dream Magic." "There's more", he says, "I've been tryin to put this thing together, and I may have it."
I reach for the book. "Maybe if I looked at it."
He snatches it back. "Nooo. I know exactly what you'd do with it, play around with it. This ain't a layman's kinda book, Sook, and before you go on about your own powers, it ain't the same as mind readin and you know it."
I shove my chair back.
"Just think about it, Sook", he calls after me as I run out.
I'm running home after work the next day. I gotta go get my son from Jason, who's watching him on his day off.
Oh no.
I'm sooo glad I decided to come home, and put some beef in the crockpot before running to get E.J.
His kitten is dead. And lying right in front of my door. This wasn't an accidental death. The poor tiny thing had its neck wrung and was clearly placed in front of my door purposely. A warning. But who would do such a thing?
I peer across the cemetery. No, there was no motive, and an act like that is beneath Bill. But I have to admit the timing is suspicious, he'd seen the kitten just the other night.
Dammit. I go inside, and slam my keys on the counter, picking up the phone.
"Andy, it's Sookie, I need another kitten. One that looks EXACTLY like the one E.J. got."
Then I call Jason, and let him know I'm going to be late picking him up.
Then I get the spade and go outside. Not the first, and probably not the last, body I'll ever bury.
And then I cry. For the poor little kitten. For my own cat, Tina. For my Gran, and my Granddaddy, and my Momma, and my Daddy, and my beautiful son. But right now, it's mostly for me.
The minute E.J. comes through the door, he wants to play with his kitten. He cuddles it, but he knows something's wrong. But he's two years old. "This is a different one" isn't something he can say, or even form in his head. He just knows the pet he knew is gone, and he starts crying.
Then I start sobbing. It makes me feel terrible, but my toddler can be more mature than me sometimes. When a child sees a parent crying, they usually fall apart. I remember I did. But E.J. is different, like he appointed himself the man of the house. He stops crying himself and toddles over to me.
"Don't cry, Momma. Gud kitty."
He walks back over and pats the kitten gently on the head. He's the one reassuring me. Telling me it's okay that we both know it's not the same kitty, but it's a good kitty, and it's okay, and time to stop grieving.
And maybe he's right.
I sweep him up in my arms. "You've got such a good heart, baby."
I can't let this go, not only because of my son's tears, but for a far bigger reason than that. Depending on this perpetrator, who is he and what he wants, it might be my baby I find out on the porch next.
Maybe this is what I needed – a mission. Whoever it is, they fucked with the wrong person. My strangling depression has turned into rage.
Fear of risk doesn't exist anymore. Someone messed with my baby. NOBODY is going to hurt my baby. And just like that, I'm back.
I pick up the phone and dial. "Sam? You know that set up you have around your trailer and Merlotte's, how did you do that? Can you help me set up one here?"
He's terribly concerned. He wants to come over. It's the warning system I need, but I'm not just me alone anymore, and I can't say no if Sam is willing to sleep on my sofa and keep an eye on my son.
I take a good look at my son, and run to the bathroom.
In the mirror is dead-woman-walking. I felt like Eric's ghost was following us around, but the truth is he left us in peace. It's the part of me that can't seem to commit to either living or dying that's haunting us both. I peek out at my son, and he's happily playing with the new kitten. My son deserves a better mother than that. Eric deserves a wife who fulfills her promise to take care of our child.
Would I ever forgive myself if I let even one opportunity pass? Then I snatch up the phone before I can change my mind, and dial. "Lafayette, it's Sook. I'm in."