I went back into the past successfully five times. We started with places Lafayette was already familiar with. He may not have known exactly what my kitchen looked like on a certain day until I described it to him, but he knew what my kitchen looked like.
Next, we went to places I was familiar with, but he was not. Like the forest behind my house. The inside of Bill's living room, where he nearly spotted me. He knew something was wrong, but he blinked and I was gone.
Every time I went back, I went to somewhere further and further outside Lafayette's scope of reference until I had to be pretty damn good at describing for him to get a feel for the place. Between my descriptions and Lafayette's mad skills, we got it right every time. I saw myself in at Lou Pine's bar, but apparently I was so used to weirdness, I just turned my head. Did I really wear a see-thru white lace shirt there? I would have done anything to save Bill, including becoming werewolf bait. Anything to get back the man I loved. I'm starting to see a pattern.
Five times we successfully did what Eric had done with me. But this was far more complicated. Could I be sent back into a dream?
"Sookie", Lafayette whispers, "There's only one way I know of that this can work successfully and that's to take you back right before Eric put you to sleep, and you could stop him."
"That's out of the question."
"I knew that, I just had to say it", he says.
He's telling me what I already knew – that I may have to choose between my son and my husband. If he took me back to that point in reality, I could stop him, and I would have Eric back, safe and sound. But my son would never have existed. I won't risk my child for anything, and I won't disrespect Eric's sacrifice. I have to stop him after E.J. is born, and that's only inside of a dream. And since actual reality isn't being changed, I'll make sure E.J. doesn't go back with me, and everything should be fine. Everything should be fine if I can only accomplish the impossible.
I feel like I'm watching one of those dang movies like "Inception" or something. None of this makes sense to me, and I have to trust Lafayette to have some idea what's going on.
"Okay, Sook", he says, "let's go back to when you did the thang with Holly and the baffroom."
Everything depended on this test.
I had described my dream to Lafayette perfectly, and he knew where he was going, and everything that had happened, kinda like Eric had.
"Sook, if anything weird happens, wake yourself up, got it?" He leans over me and puts his hands on top of mine. "Sleep Sookie, relax, close your eyes…."
"Here goes nuthin", I say, and fade away.
When I open my eyes, I'm at Merlotte's on that night. And I see two me's! There I am, listening to Lafayette, and Holly gets up to go the bathroom. Then I see myself follow her. Three Sookies, God help the world.
So I follow her.
As I'm about to go into the stall, I grab my arm to stop me. But my hand goes right through my arm, like I'm a ghost. No, no, no…I try it again. I try to grab my arm as the other me closes the door, but I can't do it.
"Stop!" I yell at the top of my lungs, but they can't hear me. I hear myself ask Holly for the toilet paper. I hear her respond. I keep yelling and yelling and yelling….and wake up sobbing.
"Sook!" Lafayette gasps, as I wake up on his sofa, "What happened?"
"I couldn't do it, I couldn't interact with anyone. I was only an observer. If I can't grab my own arm, how can I stop Eric! I couldn't feel me, I couldn't even hear me!"
"Sookie, I was afraid of this", he says, "It's a dream within a dream, your abilities are limited."
"No! This has to work, it has to!"
"Sookie, you have to understand that I don't even know what's going on here…"
"No! You're powerful, Lafayette, you can figure this out, I know you can!" I take a breath. "Lafayette, if you put me back in that time, the only thing that's going to happen is that I'll watch him die again."
"Sookie, I'm so sorry."
"Please, please, help me."
"I'm keep studyin it, Sook, but…"
"No buts!" I say. He rubs my back when I can't seem to stop crying. "You were my only hope, Lafayette."
"Shit", he says, rolling his eyes, "Fine, I'll spend every spare second I got tryin to figure this out. Now get back to that baby."
I check the clock. 9 pm. Shit. E.J. has not been happy with me lately. He's gotten worse and worse every time I leave him with someone, and tonight he kicked and screamed when I left him with Arlene. She doesn't need to be dealing with that. And I promised her I'd be back by 8.
It's become a habit to have her bring E.J. to work, I feed him there, and she takes him back again.
When I get there and knock on the door, Arlene glares at me. Shit. "Sookie, you can't just be an hour late."
"I know I'm sorry…"
"I know you're doin some kind of somethin with Lafayette, and he told me it was important, but I'm not a permanent babysitter."
Terry joins her by the door. "Arlene, take it easy. I'll make you some tea."
"I don't want any dang tea!" she says marching away.
"Terry, I'm so sorry…" I say.
"There's lots of dead people I'd do anything to get back too. He can stay here whenever you want." And he kisses my forehead! "I'll handle Arlene."
"But you're also supposed to watch him on Wednesday during the day and I can't ask…"
"Hush now, it's all right. Hold on."
He walks away and come comes back with a sleeping E.J. in his arms. Little blonde angel. Or devil. Like his father, it was hard to tell sometimes.
I take him from Terry, whisper "thank you", and walk back to the car. Unfortunately he wakes up when I'm putting him in baby seat.
He erupts into howls. "Hush, baby please, hush, we're goin home."
But he wants to be held NOW. Now that he was finally has me back for the moment.
"I know you missed me, baby, I'm sorry. I missed you too."
Luckily I don't live too far across town. I park and take him out of his seat. He's kicking and punching and screaming.
"E.J. no! Stop!"
"Mommmmauh!" I hold him close to me, and tuck him under my chin.
He's breathing heavy.
"Stop, please, stop." He's going to make himself sick.
"Momma", he finally whispers, completely exhausted. I'm supposed to work tomorrow, but I'm taking the day off, no matter that we need the money. I need to reconnect with him. We can spend the whole day playing. My baby is falling apart.
My brain is attuned at this point to every little movement, and I could have sworn I saw a shadow flit behind the tree with the tire swing. I do a double take. I'm seeing things, as tired and stressed out as E.J.
I put the key in the lock and carry him into the house.
"I love you, baby, so much", I whisper to him. I put my purse and keys down.
"Hate Momma."
"You do not hate me", I insist, but it stings. I look into his eyes. "E.J, do you hate me?"
He shakes his head "no", and starts to cry softly. I lock the door, and check it twice. I jump at the "meow", but it's only Taffy, E.J.'s kitten. He's hungry and tired of waiting for me, like everyone else.
I put E.J. down and feed the kitten, who tears into his Kitten Chow. I look at the clock. 9:30. By now, E.J. should have been in bed an hour ago. "Time for bed, baby." He whines. We've had exactly 15 minutes together today. Normally, I would have put him down, and be back down here myself doing things, but I'm asking him to spend more time apart.
I scoop him up in my arms and carry him upstairs. "No, Momma", he whines.
This calls for one of our traditional little campsites, our own little Viking village. I put some kindling in the fireplace, and light a fire.
I pull the mattress off my bed again, and pull it up into the front of the fire, the only way I could fall asleep for months after I woke up.
"I know you're sleepy", I say, "And so is Momma."
Rather than put him in his crib, I cuddle up with him in front of the fire. He's calm since I'm keeping him with me.
"Goodnight, baby."
"Nights, Momma."
He's asleep in seconds. I wish it was so easy for me. I have to get Eric back, I HAVE to. I need him desperately. His son needs him. And right now, it looks impossible. Maybe it would have been better if I'd never tried at all. My heart is breaking again.
I cuddle E.J. close, stroking his ultra soft platinum hair. Eric, if you saw him, you'd be so proud. Outside, a startled dog barks in the distance. I close my eyes and drift off.