"You realize that trying to keep your distance from me will not lessen my affection for you. All efforts to save me from you will fail."

― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

18

Despite the fact I had tried to push him away, Edward still showed up to the sentencing as he had promised. I underestimated him once again. He stood out amongst our friends and relatives in the public gallery, looking smart in a shirt and tie. I was pleased to see him. His presence was reassuring.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to look at the man who had taken my sister from us, but once I was inside the courtroom, I knew that I needed him to see my face. I needed his actions to not just be a bad memory but to have the attachment of the people whose lives had been affected. He needed to see the pain etched in our expressions, the sleeplessness that hung underneath our eyes. When he noticed baby Ben on my hip, he hung his head in shame. Good.

Feeling vindictive toward him had always seemed like a hopeless cause. There was nothing that came out of that which would do any good. I was sure he was sorry. That was fine, but even that seemed a bit meaningless. He reminded me a little of Renee's dickhead. From what I knew, this guy wasn't simply a bad person like Phil was, but I got the impression that before he killed my sister, he had the belief that he was above the law and invincible. It was a generational thing. There was a pocket of the population who grew up in a time where everyone got in their cars after having a few drinks, and no one saw any harm in that. Charlie was of the same generation; only he had the common sense and experience that came from policing to know better.

Society and the police had wised up to the issues associated with alcohol years ago, but the culture-shift left behind people like this guy. It wasn't just teens who didn't have the brain capacity to make a decision not to get behind the wheel drunk. That was a common misconception. It was just that this older generation and their mindset was far harder to reach.

That was part of the sentiment that Charlie so convincingly spoke of in his victim impact speech. The rest was personal, honest, and excruciating to listen to coming from my dad. He hadn't been in a position to manage speaking at the funeral, but he did the family proud when he pulled his words together in front of the court. His statement was published in the paper the next day as the press made a topical push for drunk-driving awareness.

The prosecution had angled for an example to be made that day. Penalties in the past had been far too lenient, never coming close to the maximum life sentence that was available. Offenders needed to be shown that the court wasn't going to take manslaughter lightly just because it happened using a car rather than a gun or other weapon. The prosecution succeeded. The judge handed down seventeen years of prison time without possibility of parole, and the maximum $50,000 fine. He said he made his decision in light of the driver being three times the legal limit, having been pulled over and convicted once before, and the negligent circumstances surrounding the crash.

It didn't seem like enough. Ben would still have needed his mother in seventeen years time… That was just the way these things worked, though. There would never be an appropriate solution. We all went back to Charlie's afterward, somber and emotionally exhausted from the day. Sue insisted she'd bring around enough dinner to feed all of us, washed down with a few bottles of red wine. It was good to be together.

The next day a tray of cupcakes from my favorite bakery was delivered to Emmett's doorstep. There was a small card attached. You can't stop me from feeding you. x

Edward probably wouldn't know it, but I'd been ignoring the fact that I must have lost at least twenty pounds that I didn't really have to lose in the past months. My skinny jeans weren't skinny anymore, and my tops slipped around my shoulders. I had always been a bit of a foodie, but nothing tasted good anymore, and half the time, I just forgot to eat. I would make meals for Emmett and Charlie but never get around to having any myself. Grandma Hale's chicken was the first thing I recalled consciously enjoying.

I selected a lemon meringue one and sat down in the kitchen on a barstool. Emmett was playing with Ben in the family room. I planned on eating at least six before I offered him one. No doubt that would please Edward. I pulled out my phone to text him.

Thank you for the cupcakes.

My pleasure. But you could also thank me by having lunch with me tomorrow.

Edward…

We're friends, Bella.

I don't want to use you for your good ears and cupcakes.

You're not using me if I'm the instigator. (And I know you're after more than my good ears and cupcakes.)

That's the problem.

Don't let it be a problem.

Where?

The Japanese place next to the hospital. I'll be free at 1.

Unless I'm in a cupcake coma, I'll see you then.