45
One Eye Laughing, the Other Weeping
April 20th:
Three letters arrived from three different owls to three different people on the same day. The first one arrived for Lady Petunia Potter early in the morning, and it was brought to her by her husband's owl, Orpheus. Petunia was eating an early breakfast on the veranda of Potter Manor, before leaving for her volunteer work. But she quickly set down her fork and fed Orpheus a treat and petted him. "Thank you, dear sweet Orpheus. I shall reply to this later, so you may hurry back to James."
The owl took off, after hooting affectionately at Petunia. Petunia waved, then she quickly tore open the letter, which bore the return address of the Auror Academy on the Isle of Wight.
My beloved Tuney,
I apologize for not writing you, but I have been so busy that I hardly have time to eat or sleep, much less set quill to parchment. But never believe that I don't miss you, darling.
It has been far too long since I have looked upon your face, and I long to hold you and kiss you breathless nearly every day. As I told you before, the training is hard, and there are many surprise tests and fitness reports one must go through. There are times when I am very sore in the morning from our exercises and wish you were here to give me one of your special massages. But I have to make do with some Muscle Soother that Lily made and sent to me, along with a box of biscuits.
Right now we are concentrating on spells of Stealth and Silence, which are more difficult to master than I thought. We are also taught to move quietly, though Sirius still hasn't managed to master the skill, I guess his big feet tend to get in the way. Then again, stealth was never his strong point, he's about as stealthy as a three-legged dog with a wooden leg.
You wouldn't believe some of the capers he's dragged me into. Three weeks into the program, we got a two day leave, meaning we could leave the compound and go down into town for some six hours per day. Naturally, Sirius heads straight for the nearest pub for a pint and some fish and chips, plus a chance to meet a local girl. But you know Sirius, he's never content with just having one or two and then returning to base. He always has to be involved with something.
We had ordered a pint and I was calmly drinking while listening to the local wizarding ballad band when Sirius starts eyeing up a pretty girl wearing a long sparkling dress of a midnight blue with a cherry red sash. She didn't come in accompanied by anyone, and sat down alone at a table, so Sirius assumed she was available and went to chat her up. Next thing you know, this big bloke comes up and asks Sirius what he thinks he's doing flirting with his wife!
Sirius didn't know that local customs on the isle regarding married couples are different from the rest of Britain. Here, married couples don't wear wedding bands, they wear scarlet sashes. A local would have known that and not gone over, but Sirius was clueless. And so was I, I'll admit. We had been given handbooks of local customs when we arrived, but our training's been so intense neither of us had time to do more than glance at them.
Anyhow, Sirius being his usual flippant self, responds with, "What's a pretty thing like you doing with an ogre like him." Wrong move, mate. Next thing you know, there's a brawl, and I go to help Sirius, and someone calls the local Aurors.
We managed to avoid them, but not our Academy drill instructor, who has eyes all over his head. He was waiting for us back at the barracks and we ended up getting twenty demerits and earning a reprimand and extra punishment exercises and chores. Plus everyone in our barracks gave us hell, since they share in whatever punishment another barracksmate gets.
I felt ashamed for not being able to stop Sirius, even though I didn't know what he was doing was wrong. Since then, I've been keeping a pretty close eye on him, trying to keep him under wraps, because I don't like all the other blokes getting riled at me or Sirius, though Sirius claims he could give a toot what the others think about him. But Aurors are supposed to work as a team. Sirius insists he doesn't need any other partner on the force except me.
Tuney, I love him like a brother, don't get me wrong, but there are times I think becoming an Auror is the wrong profession for him. There are times I think that he only became an Auror because of me. He's always followed me and I think he chose this path out of habit, except he's not really suited for it. He's too quick to judge and too quick to react and he doesn't always follow the rules and regulations.
I have to laugh, me complaining about my best mate not following rules, when I used to be the leader in breaking them at school. Back then, I thought it was amusing and fun to disobey the rules, to thumb my nose at the teachers and get away with it. I was an immature prat back then. But meeting you changed me, made me take a good hard look at myself and grow up. Sirius . . .hasn't done that yet. Oh, he thinks he has, since he's of age and moved away from Grimmauld Place, but . . .he still behaves like we were fourteen instead of eighteen. He thinks it should be like it was when we were in school, all pranks and whatnot, but the Academy frowns on such . . .casual disregard for their regulations, and rightly so. Everything I've learned has been designed to prepare me to hunt down dark wizards and apprehend them. There's a war going on, and we're stretched awfully thin. We have to learn to work together and rely on each other and Sirius is a wild card. I just hope he doesn't make the instructors so mad they boot him out of the Academy.
I'm glad to hear that you're volunteering at St. Mungos and doing something meaningful with your time. Your new friend Annie sounds like a good woman, and I'm happy you've found a friend you can talk to and don't feel awkward around. Never feel like you have to prove yourself to anyone, Lady Petunia. Not my mother, not her friends, not anyone. You are perfect just the way you are, so never think you need to change in order to fit in with pureblood society. I married you precisely because you were different from any girl I'd ever met, and that's the girl I want to come home to. I love you, my lady Muggle, now and forever.
I have to cut this short, it's almost first light, and I have to get my bunk in order and get dressed. Tell Mum and Dad I send my love and thank Mum for her package—the Linzer tarts were delicious and so was the hot cocoa.
Your loving husband,
Auror trainee James Potter
Petunia read and re-read the letter, savoring every word James had written, and then she folded the missive and put it away in the box where she kept all his letters. Oh, Jamie, she thought affectionately. I miss you and can't wait till you get some real leave. There's only so much you can say in a letter. She sighed and finished up her breakfast, eager to go and see Annie. She and the cantankerous witch had become fast friends and Petunia finally felt she had someone other than Lily to share things with. Annie was a font of information about the wizarding world, and kept abreast of all the local gossip and fashion.
She wasn't surprised about Sirius, she had never cared for James' best mate. He had always seemed like an irresponsible little snipe, one who needed a good kick in the pants. James had claimed that Sirius followed him, but Petunia was inclined to think Sirius followed his own rules and James just felt responsible for the things he did. She just prayed that James could get through the Academy without Sirius mucking up his chances.
Petunia prepared to leave, Charles was going to Sidelong Apparate her to St. Mungos before going off to work himself, and she was already composing a letter in her head to send off to her husband. She prayed every day that someone would assassinate Voldemort, so she need never worry about her family again.
SSLESSLESSLE
At the same time Orpheus was delivering James' letter, Brighteyes, Regulus' owl, was winging his way to Severus' home. Severus was preparing to go off to the Academy of Potioneers, as he did every Tuesday, and Lily was making him tea and a breakfast sandwich, despite him telling her he wasn't really hungry. Last night he had been infiltrating the Death Eaters again, and had passed on some information about a raid on a Muggle family to the Order, but it had been too late to save everyone, and now three young children were orphans. Severus was quite upset, and regarded himself as a failure, despite the fact that he wasn't responsible for how quickly the Order responded to his information.
Thus, this morning he was brooding and that meant he generally picked at his food. Lily simply ignored his mood and made him breakfast anyway, knowing he would never refuse to eat something she had made for him, his upbringing had instilled in him a firm belief in not wasting food. She set the sandwich and cup of tea before him, and just as he started to take a bite, Brighteyes flew in the open window.
Severus fed the owl a bite of bacon, and then took the envelope.
"Who's that from?" asked Lily.
"Reg," answered Severus, carefully undoing the seal.
He quickly read the note Regulus had sent.
Dear Sev,
Almost finished with my last year and what a relief that is. I've been studying for NEWTS and why didn't you tell me they were so bloody hard! I thought Potions would be a snap, but it's complicated, even for me, who is good at the subject. But I don't mean to whine, since that's why NEWTS are NEWTS.
How's married life been treating you? I'll bet you're the luckiest man ever to have Lily as your wife. I can't wait till I'm done with school and Cindy and I can finally be together. I was thinking we could set a date for early July, because the sooner I'm married and moved out, the easier it will be to hide my spying activities from my parents. I think my dad is starting to suspect something, last time I was home on holiday he looked at me sort of strange. I've never been good at hiding things from him, he's a sharp one.
Did I tell you that Lucius contacted me and wants me to sound out some possible Death Eater sympathizers in our House? I do think there are at least five or six people who might be willing to join, and I have approached them, but I hated doing so. I felt like a traitor to the Order, encouraging fellow students to take up Old Snake Face's cause. But what could I do? If I came back with no new candidates and Lucius came and recruited people and found out I never asked them, I have a feeling I would be undergoing the Cruciatus by now. Now I understand better the hell you went through making those poisons.
But at least we know some members and can watch them if I recruit them. Dumbledore says that's worth a great deal. Every day, you hear about some new atrocity being committed and I wonder how much good we're actually doing since bad things keep happening.
Well, I have to get to class, so I'll cut this short, and hope that you get this before you go off to class.
Reg
Severus handed the letter to Lily to read, and then he bent and kissed her goodbye. "I should be home around five, Lil."
"Have fun!" she said cheerily, kissing him back. Then he Apparated away to the Academy.
Lily had just sat down with her own breakfast when she heard another owl tapping at the back window. She quickly let him in, recognizing him as Dickon's owl, Jupiter. The brown owl flew right to her, twittering, and she unfastened a cylinder from his leg with a rolled up invitation inside.
"Thank you, Jupiter. Here's a toast square for you, love. Safe journey!"
Jupiter ate it swiftly then flew out the window and back to Spinner's End, where Dickon had left him for Eileen to look after, since he had school owls if he needed them.
Lily unrolled the parchment, which was colorfully decorated with balloons and presents and sparkly wands. It was an invitation written in Eileen's hand inviting them both to Jessa's first birthday party. Lily smiled and quickly wrote out a reply to Eileen saying that they would be delighted to attend and asked for an idea for a present.
She was sure that visiting Jess and shopping for a present would put Severus in a good mood. Jess still adored her older brother, and when she saw him she acted as if he were the only person in the room. She would run to him and climb on his lap and cuddle with him. She even told him if she had been naughty and gotten in trouble with Eileen, as if she expected Severus to do something about it. Severus found this humorous, and would listen to her and then tell her that their mother was right to punish her. Jess would sulk for a bit, but she always forgave her big brother. Lily often wondered what would happen if Jess got into mischief when Severus was babysitting and he punished her. It would probably come as a great shock that her Sevvy could be firm when necessary, even with his baby sister.
Lily never minded when Eileen occasionally asked them to babysit, she loved Jess and thought the innocent child's mere presence worked wonders upon her husband, bringing him from the depths of despair in mere moments. It was also great practice for them both before they became parents.
Lily had been hoping to get pregnant soon, but found that the Evans' women's difficulty conceiving seemed to have been inherited. Lily had been hoping to avoid it, but so far she had not quickened. She felt a bit depressed, but at the same time was a little glad, since she did not want her child to grow up in a time of war. So maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
After washing up the dishes, Lily also left, heading over to the cinema to her job. A new batch of movies was coming out on Friday and she hoped she could convince Severus to go and see one.
SSLESSLESS
On Friday night, Lily and Severus were preparing to go and see a film, it had been a long time since they had been to the cinema, and Lily, as manager, got half-price tickets. Lily had been looking forward to seeing the romantic comedy she had picked out, when a graceful owl with black rings about his eyes delivered a letter to her.
There was no return address, but Lily recognized Bellatrix's spiky handwriting. Bloody hell, why now? she groaned inwardly. Then she opened the envelope.
Zoey,
You are summoned to a meeting of the Sisters of the Night. Wear appropriate attire and be prepared to participate in a cleansing mission. Apparate to the woods upon Malfoy Manor at seven o'clock sharp. Further instructions will be given you then.
High Witch Bellatrix LeStrange
Lily stared at the letter in dismay. "Damn! There goes our night out!"
"Why, love?" asked Severus.
"Duty calls," Lily said bitterly, showing him the letter before tossing it into the fireplace.
Severus gave her a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, Lily. I wish you could just tell Bella to go to hell. We can go to the cinema another night."
"You should go and see your mum, Sev. She said Jess has been asking for you nonstop."
Severus considered. Maybe a visit to Spinner's End was just what he needed to make himself quit wearing a hole through the floor worrying over Lily. "I just might do that. Where shall I say you are?"
"Oh, tell her I'm too tired and fell asleep on the couch and you didn't want to disappoint Jess." Lily said breezily. "Now, I need to go put my Sister of the Night face on."
The Sisters of the Night were the witch supporters of Voldemort, Bellatrix had organized them, and so called herself the High Witch because she alone bore the Mark. Lily had not been summoned to a meeting since March and was upset that Bellatrix had such poor timing. But a spy did not have the luxury of refusing a summons for either side, she thought, pulling on her Death Eater robes and mask. Whatever Bellatrix hoped to accomplish, Lily hoped it would be over soon.
SSLESSLESS
Late that night:
Severus returned to his home to find Lily had not yet returned and he immediately began to worry. Had something happened to her? Had she been unmasked? Had another witch tried to duel her? Dozens of ideas spun through his head like snowflakes, freezing his blood. He had come home in a great mood, Jess had made him laugh with her little antics, and Eileen had given him some shepherd's pie and homemade bread to take with him. Severus never refused his mum's cooking, and even though his pay as a spy was enough to pay his tuition at the Academy, he was still cautious with money.
He had just finished putting the leftovers in the fridge when Lily appeared in the den.
Her mask was askew, showing her chin and her robes were covered in ash and smelled of smoke.
"Lily?" Severus questioned very softly.
"I'm fine, Severus. I'm fine," she said in a thin brittle voice. "I'm not hurt."
He gently came to her and undid the repulsive mask she was forced to wear as Zoey Nightdusk-Snape. She was still Glamoured, so her blond hair fell about her face in long waves, framing her childlike features. Only her eyes looked as if they had seen a lifetime of blood and death. "Lily, it's okay."
She was trembling, shivering as if she were freezing, and then she tugged on her robes, grimacing. "Get them off me," she hissed. "Get them . . .off!"
Severus banished them, leaving her in nothing but her underclothes. Lily wrapped her arms about herself and shook. "I'm fine. I just need . . .a hot bath . . .to rid myself of the stench . . ."
"All right." Severus said. He could tell she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. "Let me run one for you."
She coughed. "I can do it, Severus! I'm not . . .not incapable . . ."
"I know. But I don't mind helping you," he soothed, and he gently lifted her in his arms and walked into the bedroom with her.
Based upon her reaction, he was certain she had been witness to something heinous and was in a kind of shock. He hoped that she would start to come out of it after relaxing in the hot water. He ran a bath, and added a dose of Calming Crystals, they worked similar to a Calming Draught, except you inhaled the aroma instead. They were another of his inventions.
He carried her into the bathroom and would have stayed, but she said sharply, "Leave, please. I'll be okay."
He hesitated, but she waved him off. He left, but waited in the bedroom until she emerged after twenty minutes, wrapped in a green nightie and fluffy pink and green striped robe. She seemed much calmer than before, and no tremors wracked her, but there was a wealth of anguish in her green eyes. He held out his arms and whispered, "Come here, little oracle."
She hesitated. Then she came to him, wrapping her arms about him and clinging to him fiercely. "Sev . . .oh, Sev . . ."
He picked her up and went to sit on the bed with her on his lap. "Shhh . . .it's going to be all right . . ."
She shook her head. "No . . .it'll never be okay . . ." She buried her head in his shoulder.
He said nothing, simply holding her, knowing she would tell him when she was ready. She remained that way for ten minutes, while he gently ran his fingers through her hair and rubbed her back.
At last she spoke.
"I didn't know . . .what she was planning until I got there. Then she told us . . .the Dark Lord wanted us to . . .to prove our strength and she wanted to make sure that he knew we were still valuable to him, even if we were witches. You must show your devotion to our cause, she said, and then she Apparated to a small Muggle neighborhood, I don't know where, and we entered the house she had chosen." She drew in a deep shuddering breath, then continued.
"They were a Muggle family . . .related to one of the halfbloods currently working at the Ministry. He refused Voldemort's offer to join him, and so he decided to make an . . .example of him." Sudden tears prickled her eyes, but she dashed them away. "So she . . .tortured and killed them . . .First the parents, then the children. There were four of them and the youngest kept crying . . .Bellatrix made us watch and then asked us questions. . . .Severus, I had to . . .to watch them die . . .even the poor innocent baby . . .the poor tyke was only Jess' age . . .I knew I had to act like them . . .saying that the cheap Muggle whore and her little brats got what they deserved . . .what they deserved . . .Sev, they had done nothing to them! I had to go up and pretend to kick the dead bodies . . .I wanted to sick up, but I didn't dare. I nearly started crying and then I realized that would blow my cover, so I . . .I cast a Laughter Curse, because Rictumsempra was better than the alternative. So I was laughing, laughing as if I took joy in seeing the little baby thrown onto a bonfire and shouting, "Yes, burn the little bastard. One less Muggle in the world."
She started to shiver. "All the while I was laughing, I was also crying inside. That poor baby . . .and the other kids and . . .it was just awful! I had no idea what to do, except to try and pretend it was okay, when all the while I was falling apart inside. I wanted so bad to save them . . .they were just babies . . .and I laughed while they died . . .I laughed . . .just like the rest of them."
He held her and whispered, "You might have been laughing on the outside, but you were weeping on the inside . . .you might wear the robe and the mask but you're not one of them, Lil . . .and you never will be."
"I don't know how . . .all I wanted was to . . .snatch that poor child from Bellatrix and run away . . .just . . .run away . . ."
Abruptly she scrambled away from him and raced into the bathroom.
He hesitated only an instant before following. He held her head while she threw up over and over. "Shhh . . .easy . . ." he couldn't stand to see her so wounded, and so he drew her head back against his shoulder, and pressed a vial of Anti-Nausea against her lips. "Lily, I need you to swallow . . .it'll help . . .there you go . . ."
She swallowed and then went limp against him. He brought her back into the bedroom and they curled up on the bed together. She continued with her horrific tale, finally ending with how Bellatrix had praised them all for being loyal supporters and then she had returned home. By then she was crying, silently against his shoulder.
He just hugged her and she wept, her tears dampening his shirt. He felt tears prickle his own eyes as he imagined what if it had been his little sister? That was why no one must know where Jess was and Eileen had to revise the wards around the house.
Finally, Lily fell asleep in his arms, and he held her all through the night, soothing her with his presence when she woke screaming in the middle of the night. He detested Voldemort and his followers with a fury he had never known, and wished the dark wizard would just spontaneously self combust.
Someday, Tom, there shall be a reckoning between you and me, and I shall pay you back tenfold for all the misery you have caused me and mine. When she at last slid into slumber, he dozed, but his dreams were dark and he woke with a headache. It was then that he thought of Dumbledore, and wondered if the old wizard would allow them to borrow his Penseive to put some memories in it. That might help both of them deal with the nightmares and guilt that were a spy's constant companions.