"I know you look both ways before you cross the street, but I want you to look both ways a second time, because I told you to."
- Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
24
Making the most of Edward's days off, I asked him to join Ben and me on a ferry trip across to Bainbridge Island. It was one of my favorite things about Seattle, that by stepping onto one of those boats you could transport yourself to places where time didn't seem so frantic and home looked more like a beautiful vacation spot. The waters of the bay were milky and flat, and the sun had cracked through the early morning clouds.
We were having a small celebration of Ben's first birthday that Sunday. I had been putting off thinking about the day, other than in a somewhat autonomic manner of practical organization. It was bittersweet. The guilt lapped at me, knowing that we would all be there while the woman who loved him more than anything in the world had had that day stolen from her. Despite the sadness, we would do everything we could to give Ben the birthday celebration that Rose would have wanted. I was going to pick up some presents from my favorite bookstore on the Island, as well as a few more decorations for the house.
I swapped cars with Em to use his big X5 on days I had to transport Ben with bulky accessories like his stroller. The Mini was fun but not cut out for that sort of transport – not to mention I got a kick out of seeing my burly bro-in-law behind the wheel of it. He'd struggled a bit with the memories associated with his car from that night. He regretted not making Rose drive his rather than her smaller sedan. I tried to assure him that not even an SUV with a 5-star safety rating could have saved her from that impact. No matter the "what ifs," blaming himself in any way whatsoever was never going to bring her back.
Edward looked divine when he climbed in next to me outside his house, giving me a tempting hello kiss. He looked even more divine with the soft sun hitting him on the deck of the ferry, as he unclipped Ben from his stroller and took him to show him the waves and seagulls. Both boys were so happy, Ben babbling at Edward as he pointed to the birds squawking alongside the boat. Was it okay for me to want this when it was still easy to count the weeks since we had lost her? Was it okay that the vision of Edward with my nephew gave me glimpses of hope for my own child one day, when I needed to be focused on hers?
After I picked out some of my favorite picture books to add to Ben's collection, I found myself in the self-help section. I'd never bothered with any subject matter of these books before, not having the patience when there were other options that would suck me in and carry me away without possibility of putting it down until the last page. With Emmett going to counseling once a week, I figured for what it was worth, I could take a small dose of my own medicine. Edward alone was helping immensely, yet I didn't want to rely on him or burden him with all of my confusion. Even if they were nonsense, I shouldn't be any worse off than I was now, and at least I could say I'd tried. I found a couple that didn't seem too prescriptive in their discussion of loss and grief and picked up another on raising boys for good measure.
I gave Edward his first experience of amazing artisan ice cream and we sat in the village green to give Ben his lunch. I didn't realize until we were back on the ferry with Ben asleep in my arms that I'd already come so far, compared to my endless days of going through an unconscious routine of getting myself from sunrise to sunset intact. Those little discoveries always shifted Rose to the forefront of my mind, as if thinking of her alone was enough to ensure that my getting out and smiling didn't mean I had forgotten her or missed her any less.
Edward and I didn't feel comfortable with him staying over at Em's house, and I decided I needed a couple more weeks before it would feel okay to tell Emmett I was going to sleep elsewhere from time to time. He had managed fine when I was in L.A., but this was different. I wanted to show respect for what he was missing, as a reflection of what he had given me in encouraging me to chase after that very same thing. It was a gross understatement that I enjoyed my nights with Edward. It was early days, and if the time came for us to spend all of them together, it would have been well worth the wait.
Alice finally tracked Renee down to remind her of Ben's birthday and the invite to the party. Much to our surprise, she showed, an hour and twenty minutes late. She'd even managed to get him a couple of quite cool gifts that she didn't make an enormous song and dance about when she added them to the pile. She did of course do her usual "can I do anything to help?" then tune out and proceed to just sit there. Alice and I rolled our eyes and continued to dish up the kids' party food that even the adults were having for lunch. Even our healthy father was eying up the peanut butter and jelly and mini hot dogs.
It was mostly family who filled the house that day, but we knew that it wouldn't be right if we ignored others who were a part of Ben's life when Rose was here. When I opened the door to her two closest friends and saw how grateful they were to be there with their kids, I knew that those who cared for my sister and her son extended way beyond the bubble we had been living in recently. Sarah and her husband Steve were Ben's godparents, and she took me off to the side to say that she didn't want to interfere without being asked, but to know that they wanted to help in any way they could.
Ang and Eric came along with Leo, Sue joined Charlie, and Charlie's sister Maggie came with our cousins, Kate and Bree. They were both older than Rose and had always doted on me as the youngest in the family. Kate now had two kids and Bree had one, and it was strange to realize how, in the course of our lives changing and me being forced to be more responsible post-college – and certainly in the past months – that suddenly I felt like their peer. They all still looked out for me, but I was more of an equal, an adult. I only wished it had been more of a natural progression than a swift kick into the deep end.
I found myself observing Renee occasionally during the afternoon. She was always a little more reserved when Charlie's family was around. Maggie was unfailingly polite despite the fact Renee had lost her respect a long time ago. I knew Renee had always wanted to emulate the close relationship Maggie had with her daughters, yet somehow she managed to head in completely the opposite direction. She didn't have the self-perception to realize that truth for herself, though she did know enough not to run her mouth off quite as much around them.
Alice and I took hundreds of pictures to fill the albums and scrapbooks that I had been creating. When I watched Ben laugh at us as we sang to him and his delight as he smooshed his little hand into blue icing, I decided that he would be all right. Looking around the room of people who loved that little boy, it may not make up for what his beautiful mom would have given him, but it might just be enough. We would make sure he knew Rose as well as he could without her there for him to experience for himself. We would make sure that Emmett had our support in his upbringing whenever he needed it. We would make sure he was happy, healthy, and didn't want for anything, within reason, just as Rose would have.
I was sitting with Jasper when Edward introduced himself to my mother nearby. He was so polite, that even what he knew of her wouldn't prevent him from making contact – not that I ever would have expected him to ignore her. I listened in as he explained who he was and that he was here with me. For a second, she looked like she was going to say something to diminish either his or my importance. I was used to that. When I introduced my last boyfriend to her in my first year of college, she promptly announced that all lawyers were assholes and proceeded to stereotype the profession in a way only Renee could manage. Mike's dad was one of the most respected lawyers in Washington State and he was second year law, and by no means were either of them assholes. For the first time I could remember, when Renee went to open her mouth, she shut it again. Trust Edward Cullen to be able to silence my mother.
When she went to leave that day, I followed her to the porch and called out to her. I'd already given her a vague goodbye inside, but something urged me to do better. She turned around to me and I somewhat awkwardly embraced her. We had never been particularly affectionate so it didn't last long, but before we broke apart I heard her say a quiet thank you. Sometimes she betrayed her pig-headedness to show that she knew as well as we did that she was going home to the wrong man. In spite of her shortcomings, I couldn't ignore the look she sometimes had in her eyes when she watched how close we were all were, when I knew that she was not getting an ounce of that kind of affection. All too soon she was back in her own little world though. It was okay; for a small moment I'd broken through and given her something that didn't cost me anything.