Chapter 6

When Harvey returned home after his visit to his mother's hospital room, he walked in the door to find his 18 month old daughter playing with her kitchen playset mimicking Donna in the kitchen who was warming Harvey's dinner that he missed.

"There's my big girl," Harvey went over and picked her up and kissed her. Amanda knowing who had picked her up immediately started to pretend feed her daddy what was in her pretend pot.

"Mmmm," Harvey said with wide eyes and kissing his daughter and holding her tight as he carried her over to where Donna was in the kitchen.

Harvey went behind the counter and kissed Donna hello.

"Well, so how did it go? Strange confronting her after all these years, right?" Donna asked knowing that something had rattled her husband. Fiercely affectionate with his children and his wife, there was an intensity in the air that was not missed on Donna. She who knew him so well knew that something was not right.

Amanda started to squirm and both Donna and Harvey kissing her simultaneously on each cheek this time put her down and watched as she toddled back to her kitchen playset. Once settled there, she had plopped on her little Osh B'gosh behind and continued to stir her imaginary concoction while her parents sat down at the dining room table and began to discuss what happened at the hospital.

"Where's Gordon?" Harvey asked concerned.

"He's asleep. I think he's down for the count. It's been three hours and I haven't heard a peep out of him," Donna said as she waggled the baby monitor in her hand.

"Good. Because I really need to talk with you about my mother," Harvey said.

This was such a different Harvey than the one Donna had worked for so many years. Donna was, of course, the only one he would talk to about anything even if Donna had to do all the work and pull it out of him. However, in the last few years, Harvey had let down his walls knowing that if he showed a little bit of emotion people would respond and like him a lot more. Not that he cared about being liked especially at the office, but he wanted to be loved by those he loved just like any other human being.

"What happened?" Donna asked putting her hand lovingly over Harvey's hand.

"She starts out by saying she's proud of the way I turned out and that she forgives me for my behavior all those years ago.

Donna thought as Harvey that those were strange words coming out of a woman whose behavior had damaged a family and the worst damage to her eldest son. Donna continued to sit there silently waiting for Harvey to complete his tale.

"Can you imagine the unmitigated gall that woman has? She forgives me? What did I do? "

"You did what you had to do. You stood by your father and helped finish raising your brother. It could not have been easy," Donna said as Harvey had begun to pace the floor with his hands in his pockets. He waved to Mandy as she had turned around at the raising of Harvey's voice as he continued. Last thing he needed was to scare his daughter with his anger about her grandmother.

"It wasn't easy. I kept the secrets all those years and I had finally had it. So I did what I told her I was going to do and tell my father. I was 20 and out of the house. My poor brother didn't think anything of it, but he got no more affection from my mother than I did. Well, that's not true. Marcus had always been the baby so we all shielded him until he was old enough to realize."

"He was 14 when your mother left, right?" Donna asked.

"Yes, it was difficult. He blamed himself and he started to act out at school by getting in trouble which prevented my father from taking any real lucrative gigs. Dad played locally and was once in a while called in for a studio gig, but nothing like he was able to produce when my mother was home. She also said that I did not understand what her marriage to my father was really like. She wanted to explain that to me, and I didn't want to hear it."

"Harvey," Donna interjected. "In light of your mother's condition, maybe you should at least hear her out. Would it help if Marcus was with you?"

"I don't want to drag him into this. It's my problem with mother not Marcus'. He never held anything against her. He continued to say that the damage was really done to dad and no matter what happened we were still her sons and she demanded respect for that."

"Of course because you were the older one and saw more you feel your brother is wrong," Donna said. "Well I think it would help you and your mother if your brother was with you when you spoke with her again."

Harvey stood next to his wife and looked down at the sheen of her red hair in the dim dining room light. He looked at her little replica across the room now lying down with her teddy bear and juice cup. Mandy looked like she was about to fall asleep.

"Donna," Harvey said quietly

"Yes, Harvey," Donna said looking up at him. "You want me to call your brother in the morning and get him a reservation to come in, right?"

Harvey's look was the only thing that conveyed his acquiescence.

Donna smirked. "Already done. She showed him an online receipt. " Marcus' plane arrives at 10:30 am, and Ray will pick him up and drive him to the office."

"Excellent," Harvey said and kissed Donna in appreciation.

The next day being Sunday was crazy. Donna had to confer with Laura Zane about Rachel's wedding shower as well cancel all of Harvey's appointments and court dates for the next three days. Marcus was coming into the office with Ray today and Harvey drove to the office to meet him there and then they were to both confront their mother at the hospital. Donna tried to keep her mind on what Laura Zane was saying about how Rachel had always wanted this and that for her wedding, but her mind kept drifting off to what Harvey was facing. Personally she thought his confrontation with his mother should have happened a long time ago, but it had not and it had continued to fester in Harvey's soul poisoning any relationship he touched. Donna knew Harvey's commitment issues were due to his mother, but she also knew that Harvey was like a little boy inside. Happily he was able to overcome his issues and finally settle down like his brother. She and Harvey were happy. He loved his children and he loved her. He was able to show it and was there when she and/or the children needed him. That obviously was different from his mother and Harvey held onto that and was glad.

"Let's have the shower here and then it is just a little walk to the kitchen where the buffet will be set up. Donna?" Laura had said seeing the faraway expression on Donna's face.

"Oh, my, Lord, Laura. I am so sorry. I blanked out there."

"Is everything all right, Donna?"

"I'm sorry. I'm fine. What was that you were saying about the buffet?"

"I think we'll just have it here in the kitchen and then people can go outside if it's still warm or filter in here to the den where we'll decorate and Rachel can open her presents here. What do you think?"

"I think it will be wonderful. Your house is beautiful, Laura."

"Thank you. Rachel has shown me picture of yours. It is beautiful as well."

"Thank you. We are usually only there on weekends and vacations. Most of the time we still live at Harvey's...our... condo in the city. I love our house, though, the location, and that I was allowed to decorate it the way I wanted. Harvey gave me carte blanche since he didn't care as long as it wasn't too feminine. I think it turned out a good combination of the two of us."

"Like children," Laura Zane said as she looked at baby Gordon in his baby seat. Amanda was with Aunt Rachel while her mother plotted with Rachel's mother for the wedding shower.

"Oh, him? He's not Harvey's," Donna joked to which both women laughed heartily to break the moment's creeping heaviness.

"Oh, he's Harvey's all right," Robert Zane said as he came into the spacious kitchen and had caught the last of Donna's joke.

"He's been giving me that Specter stare from the minute I walked into the room," Rachel's father said as he waggled his fingers in baby Gordon's direction. Then Gordon started to cry.

"He even reacts the same way Harvey does when he sees me," Robert Zane joked.

Laura Zane and Donna started laughing as little Gordon started to wail. Laura asked if she could pick him up and Donna nodded her assent.

"Oh, I think I know why he started to fuss. I knew it wasn't you, dear. You're good with babies," Laura said to her husband.

Donna felt all around Gordon's seat and felt he may have been a tad uncomfortable. Like his daddy, he was a fastidious man.

"He's wet, isn't he?" Donna asked Laura.

Taking the baby from her, Donna said, "I'll just change him and then I will have to get going. I think we have some good ideas for her shower. I will call the bakery and the caterer and let you know what I come up with, ok?" Donna said.

"That's fine. I'll work on the decorations. Rachel sure chose some pretty colors for her wedding but how I am going to replicate that I'm not so sure."

"You're working with me. We'll pull it off," Donna said confidently.

"Marcus, it's good to see you," Harvey said as his brother exited the long black Lexus. Harvey looked at his brother and hugged him. Marcus was broader built than Harvey with curly blonde hair and large blue eyes unlike Harvey's deep brown ones. The men were of a height and upon deeper inspection one could tell they were related in some way.

"Thanks, Ray. See you Tuesday."

Ray waved at his boss and drove off.

"Harvey how bad is she?"

"Well, she doesn't seem that bad which is in direct contradiction of what the doctor says."

"You needed me here to make a judgment or what?"

"I needed you here for support. I can't face her alone again or there's no telling what I might do. I caused so much ruckus I was almost removed by security."

"Whoa, dickhead, dickhead move, and I mean that with all my heart."

"I know you do. That's why I need you."

"Donna said something like that. I got your back. Say can we eat first? I didn't have time to grab anything as Kate was busy getting Markie to football practice and the other two to their soccer games. Say you are coming up for the playoffs, right? It would break Markie's heart if Uncle Harvey and Aunt Donna weren't there."

"Of course we're coming. It's next week, right? We'll make a trip of it. Donna's recovered pretty much from Gordon's birth and Amanda will be happy to see her cousins again not to mention Aunt Kate who's her favorite aunt."

Once Harvey would not have cared about little things such as children, peewee football games, or what people meant to people. He knew about it and could empathize but to him, once, it had all been for someone else not him. He had always cared deeply for his brother and father, but now that he was a husband, a father, and an Uncle life meant so much more to him. His career was still important but he did not lie awake at nights strategizing for four different clients at a time. He realized he could still be an effective lawyer and still have some type of life. He learned that Rachel and Mike were able to do those little things and do them well so Harvey did not have to. Harvey still had Donna as his secretary and just because she was his wife and mother of his children did not mean that she could not focus on the job while on the job.

However, his own mother was a different type altogether.

When they arrived at their mother's room, she was not there but had been taken for some more tests to see the progress of the tumor's growth.

The nurses wheeled her back in and had given her some medication. The nurses assured them that she would be lucid for another 30 minutes until the medication kicked in and she would go to sleep. The medication was part of the chemotherapy they had begun to try to dissolve or shrink the tumor. Marcus had said she had undergone something like that treatment a few months ago while she was living in Upper New York with her current lover.

"There they are, my sons. Aren't they the two most handsome men in New York City, Leslie?" She asked the attending nurse.

"Yes, they are both very handsome. However, didn't you tell me they were both off the market?" Leslie a small blonde nurse weighing all of 100 lbs dressed in scrubs gibed with her patient.

"Yes, unfortunately, they are. I have five grandchildren between the two of them. I've only seen three of them, though. I hope I will be able to see my other two while I'm here." Lillian Specter said.

Harvey knew, of course, that she meant his children. However, he was not going to let that get him sidetracked and have to wend their way back to the matter at hand.

Marcus leaned over and kissed his mother on the cheek. He gave her a hug as best he could since she was lying down. Harvey just turned the other way not wanting to have his mother get the wrong idea and that her disability would wear him down and he would actually try to be affectionate with her. Not happening his thoughts said to him.

"Ok, you have us both here, mother. What is it you wanted to say?" Harvey said without so much as a "how are you" or "are you getting the best care" because frankly Harvey did not give a shit. He wanted out of this uncomfortable situation and "pretend" like he had for twenty years that his mother had never really existed.

Lillian Specter sat up straighter in her bed and then looked her eldest son in the eye.

"Harvey. I know you feel betrayed by me. I was never an angel. I am sure your father told you once I had left for good. It is in me not to be faithful even when I say I am. I have a restless nature."

"Mom, we get the idea. If you are just going to repeat what we've known for the last twenty/thirty years you can save your breath and we can go home to our respective families."

"Harvey!" Marcus exclaimed looking at his brother who was now standing at the foot of the bed.

"No, it's ok, Marcus. I think I deserved that." Lillian reached for a tissue from the box sitting on her lap.

"Ok, I see Harvey how uncomfortable you are. You think because I said I forgive you for your behavior toward me that it should be the other way around. Well, I am not so sure."

Harvey went over to the chair next to where his brother sat and looking like a child who was just reprimanded just sat there, clenching his jaw, and rubbing his hands constantly like he was ready for a fight.

Lillian finally sat back and relaxed. She addressed each son as if the other was not in the room. She started with Marcus and regaled how much he was like his father and that she was glad he was successful and glad that she had not lost touch with him since she had left him and his brother and father when Marcus was was just starting puberty. After stating that he had made her happy these past few years, Marcus rose from his chair and hugged his mother tightly. He then left the room for a little air and to give some alone time between his mother and his brother. Marcus did not really want to be there because he knew it was not going to be pretty.

Harvey had listened to his mother and her memories of Marcus and his family. Harvey almost fell for it that she was truly happy and finally been repentant except that all Harvey could see in his mind's eye was his father's tears the night his mother and her lover walked out their door never to return. It's not that Harvey disrespected his father at that moment, but he felt that no one no matter how much you love them should walk all over you and make you feel that way. Harvey remembered all too well those walls he had erected and how they kept him from the woman he truly loved or any woman he had come to care about. Harvey still did not like feeling emotional or vulnerable, but he handled it much better now thanks to those who truly loved him in return.

After Marcus had left it did not take long for his mother to pounce on him.

"Now Harvey, what I want to say to you will be very different as you can anticipate."

"Other than an apology of how you treated my father I can't think of a thing. Are you even sorry? You know that man was depressed for weeks. He missed two or three sessions because when he picked up his sax he thought of you. I caught him crying at night at the dining room table when I came home. I felt I couldn't stay in the dorms anymore because he needed me and Marcus needed me. When I saw how much you hurt him, I vowed never to allow myself to feel that vulnerable not to feel hurt or even to feel shame. I never regretted it until I almost lost the one thing that means everything to me. Do you know what that was?"

Lillian smiled a little knowing smile, "Your wife, perhaps, Harvey? I am not an idiot. You were never a pushover. You cared. You always care, Harvey. I never took that away from you. I just gave you a facade for the world to see so you go on and pretend when something didn't hurt. Well, you know what Harvey? I hurt, too. Why do you think I could no longer stay with you or your dad? You and I are very much alike. Marcus is more like your father was and was easy going and easy to love and hurt. I knew you were hurt just as much as your father and brother, but I knew you would take care of them. I couldn't. I was selfish. I know that. I was tired of being a musician's wife with very little money, so I grabbed onto the next guy who might have afforded the kind of life I thought I would have had with your dad. When he realized that there was something amiss at home, he never took a long six month gig with a band or even listen to his agent when he had something really lucrative lined up for him. That's what made me sick. We had very little. I tried to work but I had no experience other than being a groupie, so I wasn't good for anything. Finally when I found John he gave me a little money. Now you can call him a "sugar daddy" or call me a "whore" but that was how I found salvation. It allowed me to afford the things I had dreamed of. I was also in a position to help you and your brother if you had allowed. I know my version of salvation is not a very forgiving one I can understand from your point of view, but I have never regretted that I left. I knew you would take care of them. You were always the strong one, Harvey. I knew I left them in good hands. "

"Mother," Harvey began like he was talking to his baby daughter. " You left them in my hands and you should never have done that. I don't care what kind of life Olivo afforded you after I caught you with him. You were disloyal and unfaithful and you deserted a man whose only crimes were that he loved being a musician and a man who loved you with all his heart and passion. I felt then no one would ever hold so much of myself over my head that I would forget who I was. So, yes, I guess I became like you: arrogant, selfish, and spoiled. I never regretted my behavior because that is how I became a successful lawyer but at the same time I always tried to do what was right and good. The only woman who could hold that much of me started out as my secretary and a one night stand but now she is my wife. I could never do to her what you did to my father. So are you sorry for what you did or do you not regret it?"

Lillian hunkered down under the covers and was almost asleep when she said to Harvey, "I have never regretted anything I did. I loved your father. I loved him until the day he died. However, the one thing I did regret is not being allowed back in your life as a mother and a grandmother. I love you, Harvey. You are my firstborn and I never regretted giving birth to you."

Harvey wiped moisture out of his eyes. He wanted to forgive his mother and let the past be the past. He had wanted to do it for so many years, but the power of his father's face in his mind's eye the night Lillian left always prevented Harvey from coming to terms with his own feelings. He would then lose his resolve and forget all about it. It did feel good, though, to get those feeling out in the open. Sitting here listening to his mother's side of the story brought back Harvey's feelings the night his mother left. His response had become practiced after so many rejections like hers. When his mother left, all Harvey could do was bury his vulnerability and pick up the reigns that his father was not prepared to take after his mother's departure.

Just at that moment, Marcus returned to the room. He saw that their mother had fallen asleep. He walked over to see if she was sleeping peacefully. Harvey turned away momentarily from his brother as he tenderly brought the covers up to her shoulders and kiss her on the cheek that Harvey almost capitulated and wanted to emulate his brother. However, the old Harvey Specter resolve reared its ugly stubborn head and simply walked out of the room leaving Marcus running to catch up with his big brother.