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15. Traitor

The dock is quiet.

Arianna runs a tired hand through her curls, sweeping them over one shoulder and braiding them idly, staring out over the myriad of ships coming and going. She is running through their standoff with Udina over and over in her head, trying to find something that would have saved him. As much as she had hated the slimy bastard, he hadn't deserved to die like that. And the look on Kaidan's face after he had taken the shot is more than a little worrying.

Thane is gone, she thinks, and Mordin, and she can't help but wonder if there was something she could have done. She sighs, her face low and her eyes dull. She's been pushing things like this down more and more often. She's managed to pinch some sleeping meds from the Med Bay when the doctor wasn't watching but the nightmares are still there, waiting for her on the other side. Arianna Shepard is slowly folding in on herself, crumpling under the pressure and haunted by her decisions.

Not long now, she thinks to herself. Not long until this is all over one way or another. She must stay focused, stay strong. But she is bone tired, running from system to system, searching for anything that can help them defeat a seemingly invincible enemy. The latest reports from Hackett indicate the Crucible is close to halfway completed. The more help she can send them, the faster this can be done.

But what if they fail?

She closes her eyes and once more, closes the lid on her thoughts, pushing them firmly into the corner of her mind. It's getting crowded in there, she thinks to herself before moving away from the railing and back to the Normandy where she can keep herself busy on the way to the latest mission Hackett has sent through.

The doors hiss open and she freezes, startled.

Kaidan turns towards the sound and holds her gaze, his face expressionless. He's leaning against a metal support, his arms folded and everything about him is achingly familiar. She fights with the boxes in that corner of her brain, clamping the covers on them tightly.

"Kaidan," she says, her voice more confident and nonchalant than she's feeling, "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

"Shepard's blocking the exit. She's with Cerberus!"

She blinks as she remembers Udina's voice and Kaidan's face flickering with uncertainty, the barrel of his shotgun lined up perfectly between her eyes.

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened." Kaidan says, his voice hushed and laced with confusion.

You and me both, she thinks.

"You sound angry." She notes.

He sighs and runs a hand through his hair like he does when he's uncomfortable, "Not angry," he clarifies, "just… Arianna I had a gun pointed at you. How messed up is that?" He's switched to French in agitation.

"Ok, talk to me." She says, resigned; there is no avoiding this confrontation. "Let's have it."

He turns back to the window and leans both hands against the railing. He's fighting a war within himself, she realises, and it's probably been raging for a long time. She finds herself wondering, not for the first time, if he's had any personal dealings with Cerberus in the past. It would probably explain his intensely stubborn uncertainty. Or perhaps he's just being aggressively obstinate because he hasn't forgiven her for disappearing for two years.

"If I hadn't backed down first," He says, voice hushed, "I feel like you would have taken me out."

It's a possibility that she's pushed into yet another box in the corner. This sick feeling is becoming all too familiar. She takes a deep breath and lies.

"I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters." She takes a step closer and lays a hesitant hand on his shoulder, turning him around to face her, "Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

He frowns down at her, his face conflicted, "Yeah but sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter Ari. Later when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity, then it matters."

There's something else on his mind right now, she thinks. He's not just talking about Udina, not only referring to his carrying out his orders when he didn't know any better. He's talking about Horizon, about the Collectors, about Mars. Arianna sees in that moment, the regret hidden behind his eyes.

"You acted with integrity Kaidan," She says quietly, "I saw the whole thing."

He seems to search her face for something for a long time, his brain working furiously over possibilities and meanings. "Alright." She doesn't believe him, but lets it pass. "Look Arianna, there's a… there's another reason I'm here." He looks suddenly nervous, one hand rubbing the back of his neck unconsciously, "Hackett offered me a position but," he pauses, "I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

And a chance to fix things.

"Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you." She says and finds herself realising the truth behind it.

He sighs in relief and smiles.

The dock is quiet.

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