"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous."
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed
33
Between the Swan, McCarty, and Hale households, we now had lasagna, shepherd's pie, pasta bakes, and casseroles overflowing from our kitchens. If you could freeze and re-heat it, we had it. Fortunately, Jasper had a huge chest freezer in their garage that absorbed some of the stockpile. The gifts of dinners and home-baked goods were actually a relief. Getting your head around cooking a dish didn't really come easily at times like this. My one attempt after Rose had failed miserably. The onions and garlic got so burnt while I was staring blankly into the pantry that they were nearly on fire when I finally turned around. I had managed to make purees, veggies and basic baby delicacies for Ben when Rose's freezer supply ran out. It was simple enough for me to maintain clarity – anything for Ben helped me to function more humanly.
The night after the funeral, Esme and Carlisle joined us with Alice and Jasper for lasagna ala Aunt Maggie. She was a great cook, so Charlie grabbed hers out of the pile especially. I helped him set the table on auto-pilot, knowing the Cullens wouldn't expect anything fancy, but I knew we could do better than on our knees on the couch or standing at the kitchen bench as had been common recently. I should have known it would be unlike Esme to show up empty-handed. Not only did she bring garlic bread and a salad, but apparently after our ice cream lunch, she had visited Pike Place Market and cooked up a storm in Edward's kitchen. The woman was a saint, bringing a bag stocked with little containers of homemade baby food for me to take to Emmett's.
Ben had a slight cold – checked and confirmed as such by Edward when he was there that afternoon with me – so Em had opted to stay home and skip dinner. To be honest, I was present but barely. I was a quiet observer, enjoying the casual interaction between my family and Edward's. I of course wished that they hadn't met under these circumstances. At another time there might have been more banter, more laughter, more input from Alice and me. She smiled softly at me across the table when we moved together to clear the plates and find something to serve for dessert.
"He's good for you, Bella," she said to me in the kitchen. "He's just good in general, but you two together, I get the sense that that makes him even better."
"He's good for me, but am I good for him?" I sighed.
"Girl, don't." She gave me her stern mama look. "Sure it might have been more romantic if you'd met before all this, who knows? A connection is a connection though, and sucky timing doesn't make you any less good for him. I know you know this. Don't give me that doubt shit again."
"Ah, Alice. You're a breath of fresh air with your wayward mouth."
She nodded her strong agreement with her mouth now full of a spoon and ice cream, which she had just scooped into bowls.
"I know I can be good to him. And it feels like he's going to be around long enough for me to show him that. He's just…important. I don't want to lose him."
"You won't. He's smitten. And I know that from the way he looks at you, as well as from the little birdy who told me so." She tapped her nose as if to say I know something you don't know and nudged my side with her elbow. I guess Edward had said something to Jasper. This was one of those moments Rose should have been here for. She would have flicked me on the ass with a tea towel.
I was being silly. I hoped. He hadn't so much as hinted that this bothered him or that I was a hindrance that he wanted to drop – but now couldn't until it was socially acceptable to break up with a girl post-sister/mother dying. Edward loved me. My mind was tired and sad and emotionally steamrolled, but that didn't change that he loved me. This was just round two of "day-by-day, things will get better." Hopefully this time there wouldn't be a round three to thwart my progress.
Edward was going to have breakfast with his parents before they headed back to Forks the following day, and I felt like I should just let my exhaustion take me up to my old familiar bed at Charlie's. When I'd asked why his parents weren't staying in one of his spare rooms, he said that while they usually would, this time they thought he might need his space with me. I didn't know they made people like the Cullens, but I was increasingly glad that I had a chance to have them as part of my life. I didn't want to screw this up. Edward's kiss to my temple as he pulled me against his side and said goodbye lingered long after he left.