"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting."

- J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

44

It would be silly to pretend that everything was suddenly peaches and cream again. We could laugh and not feel guilty, socialize and not feel negligent, fuck as well as make love, eat and taste the flavors, listen to music and not cry. But we never forgot. At least once a month I would have one of my bad dreams, but they were by no means as shocking or vivid as they once were. I was learning to manage things better by not managing them so much. You had to get things out – talk, cry, laugh, love, breathe – or it would become maddening.

What people said about grief was generally right, though it always sounded like less of a brush off of what you had been through or like less of a cliché when I replayed it via Edward's voice in my mind. "It doesn't mean it goes away. Each day just gets a little easier to breathe, a little easier to stand up straighter, and a little easier to smile without feeling like you shouldn't." I had held so much hope for that to be true when we had our first coffee together. I think it became true faster than it might have because I had him by my side every step of the way. I was indebted to him for knowing when to stand that little bit closer and when to step behind me to let me take a step without him. He was always there in some form either way.

Edward wasn't a consolation prize. It wasn't a trade off or a matter of "it's okay they're gone 'cause now I have Edward." I didn't fill the gap that had been left by my sister by becoming Edward's girlfriend. What happened with us was a force of its own. We both had this sense that we would have found each other somehow, somewhere in the city in which we shared so many favorite places and activities, or perhaps even through Jasper. I no longer considered it to be bad timing that he'd met me at my lowest. Now we had so many highs to share together, and they would be so much more welcome and treasured given what we knew.

It had become apparent that Edward was very good at storing away the little things I mentioned for future use. A week before my birthday we were grabbing a bite to eat for lunch near the UW campus. I had started tutoring a few hours a week to supplement my income while I was working on some potential writing projects. He passed me an envelope across the table as I was finishing off my coffee.

"I thought you might prefer a little prior notice," he said cryptically.

I questioned what he meant with confused eyes and a quirked brow.

"Just open it, baby." He had a happy, secretive smile.

I opened the black envelope and pulled out a card. Stapled inside was a folded page. Swan/Isabella Marie 20SEP SEA HNL

"Oh man, this is an e-ticket."

"You said to save my leave for something fun like a vacation." His face was everything…content, sneaky, happy, a touch of sun warming him through the window.

"HNL – Honolulu?" I had a shit-eating, über-excited grin at that point. "I've always wanted to go."

"Me too. I figured why wait?"

"This is perfect, Edward. Too much, but perfect nonetheless."

I stood up and moved around the table to sit in his lap. Our lips met as I wrapped my arms around his neck, wondering once again how we had got to this place, this moment. It sure as hell wasn't without its trials and heartaches, so I wasn't going to question when good things came my way. It wasn't all rainbows and love songs, but we sure as hell deserved them on the days that it was.

That year brought a lot of firsts from all ends of the spectrum.

First trip to Hawaii.

First time making love on a beach.

First dream job.

First celebration of Rose's birthday without her there.

First year without the obligatory attempt to contact Renee for her birthday and Christmas.

First Christmas without Rose's infamous fruit cake.

First Christmas without Rose.

First true grief.

First true love.

How could I call it the worst year of my life when I had that last thing on the list? Saddest year? Yes. But it held the promise of the happiest years ahead. I knew they'd be different, and missing a person or two, but if I focused on that, I'd only get dragged further down. Most challenging year? Yes. But wasn't it challenge that made you stronger? Who knew the answer to that for me at this point, but I knew that I would carry the good memories and learn how to cope with and carry the bad. The only way to go from here was up.