"I love you..." I whisper it quietly and he doesn't hear me. That's the point. I wanted to say it but I'm not strong enough to really tell him. So this'll do for now...

Kenny runs off towards the bathroom and a few seconds later I can hear the sound of his vomiting echo through the apartment.

I continue to lay here on the floor, feeling naked and forgotten, and so very used... What's going on? What the hell did I just do? Why did I agree to this? I knew all along that it'd only hurt me.

I love him. That's why. I love him so I want to be close to him. No. I need to be close to him. I love him so much. I already know that he doesn't feel the same way about me but... I'll take what I can get. It's that simple. As pathetic as it sounds, having sex with him is better than nothing. If that's all I can have then that's fine... If I can at least be connected to him in some way, I'm happy. I really am pathetic, aren't I?

Kenny said that it'd just be a one time thing if I wanted it to be... Do I want it to stop now? No. I don't think so... I know that it's pathetic. I know that it's wrong. I know that I'm being used. He doesn't' love me. I know that this will only hurt me in the end. But I still want to continue. I don't know what happened just now. I don't know what's going on. All I know is that it seems like Kenny and I are fuckbuddies now...?

I get up and start to redress again... I feel really tired, and emotionally drained. It hurts. My heart hurts. Yet I still feel somewhat satisfied... It's strange. I really don't understand.

The sexual relationship between Kenny and I continues. Later that night, the next time he wants to relieve some of his craving for heroin, he doesn't say anything. He just pulls me closer and he kisses me. The kiss is wanting, needing. I kinda like it, even though I hate seeing Kenny like this. His lips taste sweet, and a little bit like cinnamon, but at the moment a small hint of the taste of vomit still lingers. I don't say anything, cause if I did then he wouldn't kiss me anymore tonight... And I don't want that.

After our fun time is over, we end up laying next to each other in a sticky mess, with the bedsheets tangled around us. I don't care about that I'll need to change them tomorrow, cause this feels too fucking nice right now. We both fall asleep like this, closely pressed together.

Kenny fucking McCormick somehow manages to always get me so worked up. He makes me feel like a mess and I can't think clearly. It's like he's intoxicating. It's so easy for him to just use me for his own benefit, because he's always got me wrapped around his finger. But even if he's using me right now, it feels kinda nice... This is okay. It makes my life less mediocre, less dull. I guess I'm not stuck in those old repetitive routines anymore. I've gotten caught up in something else instead. For better or for worse.

The next day, in the afternoon, while Kenny is sitting on the couch watching TV, his withdrawal suddenly gets really bad again. But in a different way than before. His symptoms this time are oddly enough that of anxiety, or maybe possibly a panic attack. I'm not really sure, I don't know how these things work. I desperately try to reach him, talk to him, to calm him down, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't hear me. I try almost everything. The only thing that actually works is when I get down on my knees in front of him and unzip his pants. I place my mouth around his member and I suck. Kenny is completely chocked at what I'm doing, but he still moans loudly when I soon start to bob my head up and down. At least I snapped him out of his anxiety attack... I don't even know what I'm doing anymore... How did I even come up with this idea?

He warns me when he is about to come and he tries to pull my mouth away but I refuse. Whatever. I've already done this much... Might as well swallow it too. He comes pretty hard and even though I swallow as much as possible, some of the white, sticky fluid still leaves my mouth and runs down my chin.

When I pull away and Kenny has calmed down somewhat, he asks me if I want something in return. I just shrug.

"All I want is that you don't do any more fucking heroin." I say while wiping off my chin, sounding pretty indifferent, before I turn around to go to the kitchen. I should probably make some lunch.

It must be hard on Kenny. All of this. I can tell that he's trying his hardest to not go back to heroin and he suffers so much because of it. I feel really bad but... In the end I only want what's good for him. I love him too fucking much and it hurts. It hurts seeing him like this. It hurts knowing what he's been through. It hurts touching his body in intimate places, when I know that he can never be mine emotionally. It all just hurts right now, for the both of us. What's going on? I still don't really know...

I don't actually get to start making lunch when I get into the kitchen, because my phone starts to ring. I grab the cellphone out of my pocket and I check who it is. Kyle. My super best friend Kyle who lives in Boulder with Tweek and studies to become lawyer, like his dad. I decide to answer the phone.

"Hey. It's Stan." I say.

"Hi... I just called to check up on you. You haven't talked to me for a few days... What's up?" I can hear Kyle saying.

"Not much really... Just ended up needing to help out a friend... So I've been a little busy... Sorry for not calling lately." I tell him. For a moment Kyle is silent.

"...It's Kenny... Isn't it?" He then asks.

"What? How did you know?" I answer, feeling really surprised.

"Just my intuition." He says proudly. "It seemed pretty obvious from the way you're talking... You seem a bit distant, like when we were younger, when you had feelings for him..." Kyle explains.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"No, you dumbfuck." Kyle answers and chuckles a little.

"Huh?"

"I got a call from Ike just now. He told me that he saw you outside in the rain with Kenny a few days ago..." Kyle explains.

"Oh... Then I get it." I answer.

"Are you really alright with this? Your feelings for him messed you up pretty badly last time..." Kyle sounds worried. I can't blame him. I'd be worried too if I was him.

"I'm not alright..." I answer. "...We had sex..."

"What?!" Kyle almost yells. "...You... Slept with Kenny?" He's quieted down a little and the last part is barely above a whisper.

"I did sleep with Kenny. More than once." I admit. "He wants to do it, so I comply... I already know that I'm being used so you don't need to tell me that."

"I see. But why?" Kyle sounds almost sad.

"Because I still love him. I still love him, with every fiber in my body." I say, and I sound way more miserable than I intended for. "But I can't bother him with my feelings. He's pretty fucked up right now. I don't think he could handle any romance when he's like this."

"Then why are you sleeping with him?" Kyle asks. I expected him to sound angry, but he seems more curious than mad right now...

"Because he needs it." I answer. " He needs me, and he couldn't handle the fucking rejection right now either."

"How come?" Kyle asks. "What's wrong with him right now?"

"He's a heroin addict. I'm making him quit and he's getting all kinds of weird withdrawal symptoms right now..." I explain.

"Heroin?" Kyle asks, and he sounds almost devastated. "Is that why he left us 6 years ago?"

"Yes. And because Craig Tucker is a cheating asshole..." I explain. I'm not sure if I should tell Kyle all of this but... I can't possibly keep this all to myself right now. I need Kyle's support. He's my best friend, and I know that he'll always have my back.

"I see... Stan... I think you might be in way over your head this time..." Kyle says carefully, like he doesn't want me to get offended or mad.

"You're probably right Kyle..." I tell him. "What am I even doing...?"

"I wonder that too... You're only gonna get hurt from this..." He answers.

"I know. I already know... But it's too late to stop now. I can't just give up on him like that. I can't give up on Kenny when he's trying so hard. I just can't..." I explain.

"Stan... I'll always support you. No matter what you choose to do but... Please don't let this ruin you..." Kyle sounds so concerned and it makes me feel really guilty...

"I won't let this ruin me. I promise, Kyle." Can I really keep this promise?

"That's good..." He answers, while not entirely believing me. I don't believe in it either so it's alright...

"I gotta go Kyle... I need to make lunch." I say, even though I want to continue talking to him.

"Okay... I should probably go anyway... I need to find Tweek... Haven't seen him in a while... It's not good to leave him for too long... Cause you know... His anxiety and stuff..."

"Yeah. I understand. Take care Kyle." I say.

"You too Stan." He says, and my heart hurts at the way he says that. He sounds like he's worried sick because of this... I'm sorry Kyle.

He hangs up on me, and I'm left just standing there for a moment. I can feel my eyes starting to water and then I'm suddenly crying.

What am I doing?

For a second I miss my simple, dull life. I miss the routines and the calm of knowing what tomorrow will bring. Kenny just appeared again, and I fell again. I fell for him again and now I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a spiral of hurt, and so is he. But I love him. So I'll keep trying my best, for his sake. He needs me. It doesn't matter what happens to me, or how I feel, as long as Kenny will become better. The only person who would care about how I feel anyway is Kyle. But it's fine, because I know that Kyle will be just a phone call away when I do crack. If it all comes tumbling down, it wont affect many people around me. So it'll be alright. I'll be fine like this, somehow, as long as Kenny's doing better.

What am I doing?

I pick myself up and wipe my face off with my shirtsleeve, before I start making lunch.

Suddenly I don't feel all that happy about that I found Kenny in the rain these few days ago...