I am so sorry it took me so long to update. I was stuck and it was really difficult to write. Please forgive me...

I also apologize because sometimes I didn't know how to name things even in french :)

CHAPTER 5:

Today is Olaya's birthday. Tobias left two months ago and I never heard of him. He never sent a letter or called us. I was really hoping that he would send something for her birthday but nothing arrived and I don't think it will ever come.

I get up and quickly get dressed before waking up Olaya. I open the door and instead of seeing her sleeping peacefully, she is sitting on her bed crying. I know it is because of Tobias and I have to admit, I hate him for that. The fact that he left without telling me is one thing but he also left without telling his daughter and that is almost unforgivable. She needs him more than anything, especially today and he doesn't even bother to send a little present.

I walk to her and sit with her. She crawls on my lap, still crying while I stroke her hair.

"Olaya, I hate when you are crying. I know you miss daddy. Listen, why don't we take a lot of pictures to show to daddy when he will come back?"

She smiles and nods slowly. I smile too and pick her up. I walk to the kitchen then I sit her on the counter top.

"What do you want to eat?"

"Pancakes!" She screams.

I chuckle at her enthusiasm. I quickly cook them while she puts plates on the table. I put pancakes on her plate and by the look on her face, she wants more. I walk back to the fridge and I take raspberries and whip cream. Her smiles widens when she sees them. She begins to eat as soon as the last berry is on her plate. I take the camera and she smiles for the picture.

My parents are the first to come. They are 30 minutes early but it isn't surprising, they like to help me especially when Tobias isn't here. I finish the cake while my father watch Olaya and my mother sets the table. My father joins me in the kitchen.

"Where is Olaya?" I ask him.

"Watching a movie with your mother!"

"Thank you for helping, it becomes quickly overwhelming when I am alone."

My father sighs and sits on a chair. He pats the chair next to him for me to sit. I do what he wants and he takes my hands in his.

"Are you happy?" He asks me.

"Of course I am. Why are you asking?"

"I don't think you understood my question. Are you happy without him?"

I look at my lap, tears filling my eyes. I know why he is asking that.

"I don't know...Sometimes I feel happy because he will soon be home but sometimes I-I just hate him because he isn't here with Olaya" I tell him crying. "He left and I feel like he doesn't care"

My dad gets up and takes me in his arms.

"It's okay to cry. He left you but know that you are not alone"

He keeps rubbing my back, saying soothing words until he says that one thing.

"I always knew that boy wasn't right for you. He can't be a husband or a father. Now you understand..."

I push his arms off and glare at him through my tears.

"How do you dare ? You have every right to say he made a mistake because we all make mistakes but I can't let you say he is a bad father or a bad husband." I spit.

"Sweetheart, he left you."

"He didn't leave me. He went to work. If that's what you think, the door is over there and you don't have to come back"

Everybody says I got my stubborness by my mother but I am pretty sure half of it came from my dad. That's why I expected him to leave slamming the door. But he didn't do that. He sat down and put his head in his hand.

"I am sorry Bea. It's just...It kills me to see you and Olaya crying because of him. I want you both to be happy and you aren't."

I sit next to him then look at my lap.

"Sweetheart, look at me."

I shyly look up at him and he wipes my cheeks.

"I love you more than you think. And I know Tobias loves Olaya as much as I love you. I am sorry"

I hear a knock at the door. I quickly wipes my cheeks then walk to the living room where Evelyn stands with my daughter in her arms.

"So, did your mommy give you your present?" I smile at them.

"No, I wanted to give it to her when everybody is here" I respond.

Olaya is a lot more cheerful than this morning and I am happy. I really want this day to be perfect for her. She whispers something in Evelyn's ear. The smile on her face fades and she looks at me but Olaya is smiling. She lets her granddaughter running to the kitchen then she comes to me.

"What did she say?" I ask nervously.

"I think you should sit down"

I do what she says and I am even more nervous.

"Tris...Olaya thinks her present is Tobias. She thinks he is coming home tonigh."

I shake my head, then I am shaking and then my eyes fill with tears. How can I say to a four years-old girl that her father isn't coming home?

"How can I tell her?" I ask Evelyn.

"Don't say anything today. You can explain it to her tomorrow."

I nod slowly thinking of that. I don't want to ruin her day with that, she has been sad enough this last week.

There is another knock at the door and ten minutes later, another one. Friends are filling the house and Olaya is more and more happy and excited. I sit with Zeke and Will on the couch while Marlene, Christina and Shauna are talking together about Shauna's big stomach.

"So, how is Shauna?" Will asks.

"Restless. She is tired but she is also excited. She has problems to sleep because the baby is always moving at night. I try to stay awake with her but she keeps saying I should sleep. When I fall asleep, she doesn't wake me. I can't wait to meet our baby"

I smile at him because I know how he feels. I was so happy when I knew that Tobias was here that day. He was the best husband a woman in labour could ask for. He held my hand, he helped me breath and he never left my side.

But then, two months later, he was leaving with all the guys and one of his friend I never met. This makes me think of Eric. Did he said the truth? I really don't know. He never tried to talk to me again so it makes me feel like he knew I don't trust him and he keeps his distance.

"Guys, I have a question. Do you know a guy named Eric?" I ask them.

"Eric? We do, why?" Zeke answers.

"Is he nice?"

"He is but why those questions?"

"I met him almost two months ago and he really scared me. I thought he was some kind of pervert but then he talked about Tobias and how they are friends."

They both smile, obviosly trying to keep themselves from laughing.

"Tris, Eric is a good guy. He just loves to do a scary first impression. He is one of our friends and he will never hurt you...he is too scared of Tobias for that."

"But if he is one of Tobias' friend, why did he never tell me about him?"

They smile again and I begin to hate it when they do that.

"I am sure he talked about him." Zeke assures me.

"No never. I never heard about a guy named Eric."

"What about Coulter?" Will says.

"Tobias did talk about him. Is he Eric?"

"Yeah, Coulter is Eric's last name. They have that thing when they use each other's last name. I don't know why though."

I lean in the couch and take a deep breath.

"Thank God. It scared me at first but then I was so confused"

"Yup, that's Eric. Really mysterious but once you know him, you realize he isn't as heartless as he may look like. In fact, he is really nice."

I look at Olaya who is playing with her friends. Her eyes meet mine and she runs to me.

"Mommy! The presents"

"You want to open them or eat cake first?"

"CAKE!" She yells.

Christina helps her to sit on her chair while I go to find the cake. I light 4 candles on the chocolate cake. I enter the room while singing for my daughter and everybody joins me. Her smile is wide and I thank my mother for taking pictures. When the song ends, Olaya blows on the candles and they all put out except one. She blows on it again and this time, there is no more left. We clap our hands while she laughs. I kiss the top of her head before cutting the cake. Evelyn helps me with the other cake. As I watch her, I can't help but think that it should be Tobias. I shake my head to push the thought aside but it is still here. Somewhere, hiding in my mind.

As would have done her father, Olaya devoured her cake. She is now begging to open her presents. I sit her on the couch then I run up the stairs to find her present in my bedroom.

I enter the living room where Olaya is speaking with Zeke, Will and someone I don't know. Well, I know is name. It's Eric. I walk to them and Eric smiles.

"Why didn't you say your last name?" I ask him.

"Where's the fun then?"

I roll my eyes. He is exactly like Zeke and Uriah. Tobas, why can't you have normal friends?

"Mommy! The presents!" Olaya screams.

I smile at her and give her mine first. She opens it and she frowns when she sees what's in it.

"What it is?"

"You always wanted to go to the fair at the Pier. This is a ticket so we can go whenever you want."

Her smile comes back and she hugs me while squealing. She always talked about that place after she went with Christina and Will but the tickets are expensive and somehow hard to find. I am happy I found them on the internet one month ago.

She opens presents after presents and each time she squealed and hugged the person who gave it to her. It's now Eric's turn, even if I tried to say that he didn't have to get her something.

"I had to. I considere Tobias like my brother. And since she is like my niece, I had to get her something." He answered.

He gives her a little box and whispers something to her. She opens it slowly. I look over her shoulder to see what it is. IT is beautiful necklace. I want to say it's too much but he cuts me off. He takes it from her hands and opens it pushing a little button on the right side. She smiles at what is inside then hugs Eric. She runs to me and shows me the inside. There is a picture of Tobias, her and me on her third birthday. I feel the tears filling my eyes. I hug Eric too, thanking him.

"Thank you for that. You don't know how much she misses him."

"I do know this feeling. I also told her it is from Tobias. I know when he is on a mission, he can't always send something so I had to do that for her".

The tears run down my cheeks as I repeat "Thank you" over and over again. He rubs my back then lets me go with a smile. I clip the necklace around Olaya's neck and she takes it in her hand as if she will never let it go.

I sit with my friends as Olaya shows her necklace to her friends who came today. She looks so happy.

"Tris?"

"Yeah?" I turn to my friends.

"Eric don't know where the drinks are" Christina says.

I get up and lead him to the kitchen. I pull out a beer and he thanks me.

"Eric, I have a question but you don't have to answer."

He nods.

"Why did you say that you understand how she feels?"

He puts the beer on the table and sits but I stay where I am.

"I had a daughter."

My face falls when I hear the word 'had'.

"She was beautiful, she had long blond hair and two gorgeous green eyes. She was my world but then... it happened. I was playing with her at the park and she kept asking me to go on the slide with her but I didn't want to. I was watching her from the bench I was sitting on. I just looked on my phone for a few seconds. A few seconds... When I looked up, she was trying to catch my attention while waving her hands. She lost her balance and she fell off the slide. She hit her head first on the ground and...and I couldn't save her. If I had paid attention, she would still be alive."

I feel tears on my cheeks as I hear his story.

"She was four and it happened almost five years ago. Every day I think of her and apologize but I know it won't change anything"

He wipes his cheeks and takes a sip of his beer.

"Her mother blamed me for her death and we divorced a few months later. That's why I joined the army. I had nothing left at home and her death almost drove me crazy. I saw her everywhere. I heard her voice everywhere. Then I met Eaton, I mean Tobias, I told everything about my life and he helped me to build a life again."

"What was her name?" I sob.

"Rachel"

He puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a picture. I take it with trembling hands. On the picture is a beautiful young girl. She is how he described her but even more beautiful.

"She is beautiful. I am so sorry Eric"

"I am too. I know that it's my fault and I can't forgive myself"

"None of this is your fault. It was an accident."

He smiles sadly but nods.

"Thanks Tris."

I wipe my eyes and get up. I hadn't realize I sat down.

"If you ever need to talk about that, I am here. Did you tell the other?"

"The guys know and Christina too. I think Marlene and Shauna know too but they never mentionned it."

We walk back to the others and spend the rest of the day together, speaking of Shauna's baby, Christina and Will's will to have baby but never once about the war, death or Rachel.

After I tuck Olaya in, I read her a story like always Tobias does on her birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas.

She lays on her side, the necklace in her hand. She sometimes opens it to look at it and then looks at me with a smile. I close the book when I know she is asleep. I turn off the light before I close the door. Now I just have to tell her that her dad won't be home during eight more months.

Why did you do this to her Tobias? She never deserved it. And neither did I.

I'll say it again. I am so so so so so sorry!