"Hey, did ya hear? The third division has a new captain?"
"Seriously? who is it?"
"It's that wolf that broke into Seireitei."
"... A relative of Komamura at least?"
"No just a regular white wolf."
"Wow. they must be pretty desperate then. Does it do anything at least?"
"From what i heard yeah. The wolf was pretty effective at training the officers of the second division."
"Well why is it being passed off then?"
"Didn't you hear? The captain and a brat got into a fight and the poor thing into it. Then it got revenge by shedding faster then the air vents and getting everyone in the building sick. I think Captain Soi Fon actually cried when she had to pass it off. I couldn't tell, she was really sick. She likes the thing almost as much as Yoruichi."
"A wolf getting revenge? That sounds as dumb as the one about Soi Fon having a kid or captain Kuchiki having a fish fetish. Where the hell are you getting these things anyway?"
"You realize that she was across the hall from me when I was in squad 4 right?"
"Wow, any idea how she got there?"
"Well, she was babbling something about too much many people talking and had to be knocked out. So, probably a really bad virus."
Yoruichi blinked as Kisuke popped out of his seat with out warning. "Another one?" She asked "What happens this time?"
Kisuke stared at nothing in particular for a few moments before grinning back at her. "Somebody needs a nap."
"Thats very specific."
"A nap or caffeine then."
She raised her eyebrow and smacked him across the chest. "Not helping."
Three days ago Kira entered his office to find that someone else had gotten in before him.
Three days ago Kira had been greeted by a girl that could've been Captain Soi Fon's twin save for the demeanor of a freshly kicked puppy and a white wolf. She seemed to be trying to look intimidating but it may have been more successful had she not been covered in strands of fur.
"U-Um... Lieutenant? I am here t-to make sure that L-lady wolf is taken care of." Stammered the girl as she handed him a notice. "She's is supposed to be the acting captain."
It took Kira a few moments for her words to register and he quickly took the note from her. and began scanning it. He sighed heavily at its contents. The third squad seemed to be the current punching bag for fate as their new acting captain was a wolf who could not speak.
He had to revise his initial thoughts when the wolf proved to be highly effective at tackling paper work. He honestly didn't know how a creature with out opposable thumbs could write so neatly. The office was often vacant with a weeks worth of paper work completed and piled on the desk in a nice neat stack, signed with a paw print. Even the officer evaluations were written.
He asked the wolf once if it had a name and the creature looked back at him as if he was some sort of idiot. To be more specific it looked at him and he got the impressions it was calling him a pretentious twit if he was assuming that something didn't have a name just because it did not speak.
How he understood that he couldn't say.
His work load was lighter then before since he had someone else doing it now and he could devote more time to the actual squad. It would've been nice if the wolf could do that too, but he doubted that the others would accept this as anything more then an elaborate joke. Still on the occasions that the wolf left the office it would chase and herd all the officers until they could no longer stand as some sort of endurance training.
In fact, the Wolf did this repeatedly each day, chasing people around the barracks regardless of what they were doing. It didn't take long for people to get used to doing various tasks, like writing, drinking, or while they ran at full speed, only a few days or so.
Currently he was sitting and eating with his "captain."
"Miss Wolf? Out of curiosity, why do you not sign papers with your name?" He asked "You say you have one and you write in our language fairly well."
Again, the wolf looked at him as if he were dull.
"Er... I suppose you have a point. You are the only one around with paws instead of hands."
The two of them remained side by side until the wolf suddenly tensed. It looked as if it were listening intently for something.
"Wolf captain?"
Amaterasu barked again and dashed off. Only to return moments later demanding that he follow.
There was no time. The show was about to begin and she wanted a front row seat.
Amaterasu grew tired of waiting for Kira to catch up and put him on her back. She ignored his protests when she dashed off at full speed again to the first division.
Once she was indoors she slowed down to a trot and she traveled down the halls, looking about and taking note of the building again.
The two of them were greeted with surprise as they entered the meeting room.
"That was rather quick. I just sent out the hell butterflies a few minutes ago." Commented Yamamoto. It seemed that his comment was more toward the wolf then to the shinigami.
Kira blinked in surprise and made his way over to his designated spot next to his captain.
The next people to arrive were Captain Soifon and her lieutenant.
There were rumors that she had gotten very sick but this was ridiculous. She looked as if she were dead on her feet, with dark circles under unfocused eyes. She was so pale that it was hard to tell where the captains haori ended and she began. Her hair was unkempt also as it stuck up in every direction. She kept looking around as if she did not know what was going on and her lieutenant actually had to physically direct her to her spot.
Granted, Kira didn't exactly know what was happening either but it had to have been serious given the way his wolf captain acted. Soifon on the other hand looked like she had just been pulled from the fourth, which she probably had. He opted not to comment on it as it was not his place. The second captain's temper was well known as was her devotion to her work.
Then the twelfth captain entered with his daughter and immediately began studying his wolf captain with intense interest. Taking samples of fur from the creature and what not. A loud cough from the head captain was enough to keep the scientist from dissecting the creature right then and there.
Then the chaos began.
Once Hisagi entered the meeting room shouts and curses were heard. They became louder and more numerous as time went on until five very angry... Captain SoiFons entered the meeting room? All of them were shouting and accusing the rest of being impostors.
All of them had tried to cram themselves into their designated locations and each of them threatened to eliminate the rest.
As the rest of the captains came in more dopplegangers followed them. Each one identical... no, not identical. There were minute differences amongst them. Some were taller then others, some had more prominent figures. The eye colors also differed amongst each other. Sadly, Kira did not know the other captain well enough to be able to make use of that information.
By the time the last captain had arrived the room was completely crowded with Soi Fon dopplegangers and it looked as if a brawl was about to occur.
"ENOUGH" bellowed Yamamoto. He was expecting something like this, but the timing of the whole thing was truly awful, even for shadow force standards. He needed all of his available captains ready to handle Aizen. Planting fakes in the force would undermine war efforts. Sadly, the first division was built mostly out of sekiseki stone so that he could train with out killing large numbers of officers. Finding the real Soi Fon through her reiatsu was not an option. Plus, the shadow force practiced some sort of reiatsu diffusion technique that made it difficult to pinpoint the exact location of someone which complicated things further.
He never did manage to figure out how they did it. "ALL OF YOU! SHIKAI NOW!" He barked.
"Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!" The copies cried. There was a flash and all of them had a barbed gauntlet on their right arm with the stinger on their middle fingers.
Oh dear.
Fifteen Suzumebachi's. The ones who did not manifest one disappeared almost immediately save for one that nobody noticed.
"Komamura."
"Yes Genryusai -dono?"
"Can you pick out the real one by scent?"
"My greatest apologies, but I am not familiar enough with her scent to do so." Bowed the wolf man.
"And you wolf?"
The head captain turned to the other canine in the room... Only for it to yawn and grin at him. Typical animal spirits. Yamamoto knew from the orange incident that the wolf was more then aware of her surroundings, she often chose not to participate out of some sick sense of humor. He sighed heavily as he watched the women squabbling began. None of them actually stabbed anyone of course, there wasn't enough room.
"Captain -sis! Something's wrong in the poison lab." Cried a small voice, followed by a loud thunk against the door. "Your office smells like bad milk! I'm doing what you said so you can't yell at me!"
She kept shouting and banging at the door until one of the Soi Fon opened the door and let the girl in. She froze when she noticed the number of people behind the door and held her stuffed white weasel in front of her for safety. Then she saw who was in the room. "No Fair!" Whined the girl as she looked at all the copies. "Captain -sis gets to go to costume parties and I have to do homework!"
"Ah. Nakenashi -chan. We were just playing a game." Called Omaeda from the back. His sister got like this some times, better to include her or it will only get worse. At least, make the girl think she is involved. In this case it could actually end much quicker then it normally would, since she is the only one who spends time with his captain on a daily basis. "Can you tell us which one is the real captain?"
Keiko carefully studied the people in front of her. She wandered around for a few moments with the other captains and lieutenants backing away and watching the girl. She looked around for a few moments before she started to point. "Your not captain sis. Your eyes are the wrong color."
The impostor vanished with a pop and a puff of smoke as Keiko continued to go around pointing out the flaws in their disguises.
"Your hair is too short."
"You're too tall."
"You're too short."
"Your chest is too big."
"You're a boy."
"The middle finger stabby thing is mostly yellow not black."
"Your butt is too big."
"Captain -sis doesn't wear make up stuff."
One by one the room emptied out, each disappearing with a puff of smoke, or a splash of water until there were only two left.
"HEY!" Shouted Keiko upon studying one of them. "What's Chi -ne doing here?"
"Hagane!" Barked Soi Fon who was more than annoyed that her colleagues couldn't tell her apart from a prepubescent boy of all things. She noted out of the corner of her eye that the Yamamoto seemed to be rather pleased at having trapped a member of the shadow force during one of their pranks. "What is the meaning of this?"
Chiyo looked around, stlll confused an unfocused. She hadn't moved from her spot since she entered " U-Um... Am I missing something? I got dragged out of bed 15 minutes ago by L-lieuetenant Omaeda saying that I was late."
Soi Fon whipped around and glared at her Lieutenant. "You incompetent piece of Lard! How can you mistake a shrinking violet for me?!"
Keiko and Chiyo looked around in confusion.
"Captain." Replied Chiyo in a loud flat voice. "Am I late or not?" Her eyes seemed too focus slightly. "I have just returned from an extended campaign Two hours ago and I was roused from my bed with out warning or caffeine." She was beginning to receive some unsavory requests from various shinigami and she had missed taking her pain killers. Her temper, of course was a little shorter then usual. "I have also missed one of my pills and I feel like I have been sat on by cows. Am I or am I missing something important?"
Soi Fon, Kira, Keiko, and Omaeda stared at her for a few moments. It seemed that the demure woman they had seen earlier, became a demon with out the presence of sleep and caffeine. "No. You are dismissed." Replied Soi Fon quietly, a little stunned at the display of dominance.
"Thank you captain" Chiyo replied stiffly and stalked out of the meeting room.
Keiko turned to Soi Fon with awe in her voice. "Wow. Chi -ne is scary AND nice."
Author's note- You have absolutely no idea how many pranks I went over in my head before picking this one.
Heres a few-
-Alter all the statues in seireitei so that they look like they are giving central 46 the finger.
-Dye all the captains haori gray. I mean all of them, not just the ones they owned.
-Playing polka music over the intercom. Or opera.
-Stealing everybody's left shoe. or right sock
-Switching the numerical order of the divisions. The third division sign would be replaced with the eighth division number but not the flower.
-Bleaching all the shihakusho's unevenly.
-Super glueing every chair into place. But not the desks and tables.
-replacing all the ink with disappearing ink. or the papers with edible ones.
-Loading Yachiru up with coffee candy.
-Greasing the toilet seats. or brush and pen handles.
-Food coloring in the pipes for colored water.
Yeah. I was going for pranks that cause chaos, not misery. I am a believer that the best prank should cause dismay from the victim and laughter from everyone else.
Comments and criticisms are welcome.