A/N: Anyone else COMPLETELY (or at least a little) freak out about FF dot net being unavailable as far as logging in goes? 'Cause it's been hard on me. I've been sitting on this chapter for like a day, and I *hate* doing that. Anyway. This is short, but it's better as a stand alone. (And I've got the next one almost done, so no worries!) Thanks again to SubtleSpark, my awesome new beta! Cheers!
Review Reply:
BleedtoLoveHer: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed. :)
GirlOnFire2012: Aww, thank you! I really appreciate that; such a lovely compliment. :)
Jits: Haha, hope this was soon enough for you! ;)
Kate: Well, I'm infinitely glad you chose to this time! I absolutely love reviews. :) And yours was lovely! (Also, I like Gale... just never with Katniss! x) They're too much alike. Gale is the male version of Katniss; Madge is like the female version of Peeta, so obviously, neither pairing works. At least, that's *my* justification.) Hopefully my story keeps you intrigued. Thanks again!
Peacockgirl: Thank you so much! :) Katniss is so very oblivious sometimes... Of course, we do have a little bit more insight into what's going on than she does... And I like giving the audience a little break from All Peeta All The Time. x)
teampeeta4ever: Thanks! :D
XoLovelyWonderXo: Haha, gotta keep things interesting, right? I love that you're always trying to figure out what's going to happen next! Hope you keep guessing (and reading and reviewing... :P) Thanks for reviewing! :)
Serafina Sky: Hahahah, tease! I love it! x) (And totally guilty as charged.) Don't worry! I already have it written! (You just won't get to see any of it for a while... xP)
mia66: Good to hear you're enjoying! And yeah, Katniss is a hot mess of bitterness, isn't she? x) Poor Peeta's got his work cut out for him!
bree: I actually prefer Katniss and Madge being close friends, but it worked out better this way. (Though I'm not against a Madge/Peeta friendship.) Mostly, Madge is just my instigator. She causes all the trouble (just like she did in the books with her mockingjay pin)! Anyway, thanks for the review!
CHAPTER 9: WHERE HIS STRENGTH LIES
It was his last night. Tomorrow he would enter the arena and the Games would begin. Any thoughts of surviving even one more night were weak at best. He sat on his bed, wishing for the comfort he'd had the night before when Katniss had sat where he did now and told him that it was okay to cry alone. But he knew she wouldn't come to him tonight. Because she knew, just as surely as he did, that there was no reason to do so beyond this point. She had done all she could for him; now her business came in the form of getting him sponsors. There was no more preparing him. All that was passed now. There was only the waiting and the sleeplessness that would devour him whole.
He couldn't sit here. Not thinking the way he was. Not listening to his own mind replay her Game over and over and over again, repeating the worst parts. The parts where she lost herself to the Capitol.
He didn't want to remember her like that.
So he pushed himself off of the bed and left the luxurious room provided to all tributes. There was nowhere to go, he knew. No place to hide, no comfort to be found. Nothing but the suffocating feeling of an entire building that held its breath in anticipation of the day to come.
Day one of the Games.
He wandered the empty halls aimlessly; letting his feet do the driving in an effort to avoid decisions. Without realizing it, he found himself climbing the stairs to the rooftop. The door, already ajar, opened out into the fresh air of a beautiful night.
They allowed him onto the roof, he knew, because there was no danger here. He couldn't end his suffering by throwing his body over the side and into the streets below. A force field was there to prevent that. For his protection, of course.
Shaking his head, he ignored the anger at the thought. They protected only their precious games.
Games of murdering children as punishment for a crime they certainly hadn't committed.
He sighed heavily, wishing for a reprieve. There was none. Instead, he found a figure leaning over the railing, staring down at the Capitol city. For a second he thought it was Cinna again, but the moment faded quickly as he realized who it was. He moved closer to get a better look at her, but he didn't have to. He had already confirmed who it was.
"Katniss."
She didn't turn to look at him. "Come to watch the party?" she asked in the monotone voice that made its appearance on the days when she was too exhausted to be angry. "It's for you, after all."
He leaned on the balcony next to her, glancing down at the streets. They were filled with Capitol citizens, garbed head-to-toe in impossibly bright colors. They looked like poorly drafted drawings that a child had colored in his book a little too enthusiastically, holding no regard for lines or rules. Just smearing crayon everywhere because he liked the colors.
"At least someone's having a good time," Peeta muttered. Costumes, he thought. Nothing but flittering, glittering, fake costumes trying to make savages look like people.
It didn't work.
"You should be getting some sleep," Katniss admonished, but there was no bite to it. She wouldn't deny him this last night to do as he wished. Maybe she was giving a dying boy his last wish.
"Couldn't."
She nodded. If anyone would understand, it was her.
They stood there in silence for a while, not looking at each other, not really paying attention to the frivolous, happy pandemonium below. Just standing and trying not to think of anything at all.
"I keep trying to come up with a way," he finally said to her, though he continued to stare out into the night. The nights were prettier in District 12, he decided. Even with the coal dust covering everything. At least there, he could still see the stars. At least there, he knew they were real.
"A way?" Katniss asked.
"A way to…to show the Capitol they don't own me," he tried to explain. "That I'm more than just a piece in their Games."
She didn't respond and he knew that she didn't understand. Probably, she couldn't. His fear of losing everything he was... it should pale in comparison to that of impending death. But it didn't. There was no way for him to win, not even with Katniss Everdeen on his side. He had accepted that. There was nothing left now but to try and hold on to the things that made him him and to somehow not embarrass himself—or her. After all, he was her tribute. No reason to smear her name.
No reason to make her feel guilty over his inevitable death...
"If I knew a way," she whispered. "I'd tell you."
She didn't look at him, but he turned to stare at her. Her profile was sharp and by Capitol standards probably not what would be considered beautiful. Not now, with all the costume-paint washed from her face, the bronze and gold jewelry left somewhere to collect dust, her hair down and left to the wind... No, not the Capitol's style at all. There was no control in her appearance, only a feel of ethereal wildness that came from the combination of the wind playing with her dark hair and the moon shining off her skin.
He decided he liked her wild.
She had surprised him. Always, she surprised him. Because he realized now, by the haunted look in her eyes that didn't look at him, that he had misjudged her. If anyone in the world could understand what he was trying to say, the dark emotions welling up inside of him, it was the girl beside him.
Because maybe she had already felt the loss of what made her her.
"But I don't. I don't know anything. Only that everything changes once you're in the arena. The world outside doesn't exist anymore. There is only you and twenty-three others who want nothing but to go home. And there's only one way home, Peeta." She didn't have to tell him that it was through him.
An image of Katniss kneeling beside the body of a little girl speared through the chest burst unbidden into his mind. A song of mourning and promise filled his ears and he wanted to tell her that she hadn't lost herself in her Game.
She was still Katniss.
But he didn't, because that image was followed almost immediately by the arrow that shot through the air and only nicked Gale Hawthorne, but killed him just the same.
Katniss had definitely lost something in that Game.
"Just stay alive, Peeta," she told him, suddenly fierce. "That's all I want you to do now. Just stay alive."
…