Babies, Babies, Babies
Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to Stephanie Meyer.
A/N-thanks for the kind reviews, Nikki.
Part Forty Three
"You need to relax, Bella." Old Quil said softly. "Otherwise the meditation exercise won't be able to work."
Bella closed her eyes tightly and tried to force her taut muscles to relax, but they remained tensed up and strained. She couldn't get rid of the gut clenching knot of anxiety that seemed imbedded in her stomach. "I can't, I'm so sorry. I just can't." Her shoulders drooped in defeat as she opened her eyes and avoided the elder's gaze.
"That's okay. Maybe it's too soon." Old Quil blew out the candle and switched on the light. He then fanned away the soothing smells of the herbs he had crushed when they started the exercise. He used them to put the person trying to meditate in a drowsy state, but Bella was too tense and fighting everything.
"I really wanted this to work." Bella said desperately. Her hands were twisting in her lap as she let her old demons take over. "It's just with everything that's happened over the last few days….I'm….I don't what I am." She hung her head in embarrassment. She hadn't meant to lose control in front of the old man.
"Breathe, Bella." Old Quil replied softly. He settled back in his leather armchair and studied her for a moment. "You are a young woman who has been under an immense amount of strain over the last few days. It is no wonder you are struggling. I just hoped that this would help ease your anxieties a little, but instead it seems to have increased them. Perhaps it would be better if we tried a different approach."
"Such as?" Bella's curiosity was piqued as she raised her eyes to his for the first time since they had begun the meditation exercise. The last few days had indeed been fraught. With Rebecca now in ensconced in the Black's house she had left to go and stay at the Clearwater's with Jet and Marlon so that Billy and Jacob could deal with Rebecca while she came down from her high. No one knew exactly what she had taken. Sue had checked her over as best she could but she wasn't a doctor. There was talk of taking her to the hospital but Rebecca had fought that decision. It seemed her drowsiness had been taken over by paranoia. She began to accuse Billy and Jacob, and even Rachel of all kinds of things as she locked herself in her old room. She was in effect going cold turkey, and from the few brief talks that Bella had managed to have with Jacob and Sue, it seemed that Rebecca was coming apart at the seams. Sue was beginning to wonder whether there was an underlying mental health issue involved as well, but she couldn't be sure until Rebecca was more herself.
Old Quil remained silent as he watched Bella become lost in her own head. He had noticed this about her. If something was worrying her she would turn inward and fret, essentially blocking out everything. At times she wouldn't hear you if you asked her a direct question, like now. It was similar to how she had been when the vampire had left her or so he had been told. It seemed the current stress was pulling her back into her old habit of shielding herself from future hurt. If she numbed her feelings she wouldn't have to deal with the pain. And that was the root of Bella's issues, the elder was sure of it. She may let certain people get under her skin, like Jacob and the children, but there was still a big part that kept itself locked down to ensure that her barriers were not entirely knocked down. He guessed it was behaviour learnt when she was very young.
"My dear, why don't we just talk instead?" Old Quil suggested.
"Huh?" Bella finally heard him. She shook herself and sat back, her hands were still moving in her lap and she didn't seem able to stop fidgeting.
"I am told I am a good listener." Old Quil smiled as he gripped the top of his walking stick. He saw Bella's face flush as she considered his proposal.
"What would we talk about?" She asked cautiously.
"Anything you like? Your childhood perhaps. What was it like moving around so much? I have hardly left La Push my whole life, which says a lot about me I suppose." Old Quil laughed genially to put Bella at ease.
"Well it was kind of hard I suppose." Bella began hesitantly. "I mean we never stayed long in one place and it was hard to make friends and put down roots. Renee was always restless and got bored easily." She frowned as she recalled her peripatetic home life.
"Yes, I can see how that could make life uneasy and uncertain, especially when you are very young." Old Quil agreed quietly.
"It was, I was kind of a loner really, always preferring my own company. I never found it easy making friends, especially girlfriends." Bella sighed as she looped a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes were far away as she remembered how lonely and afraid she used to feel, it was unsettling reliving that through the eyes of the child she had been. "I always seemed to get on with boys easier; they were less complex than the girls. Jacob was my first ever male friend." A smile lit up Bella's face briefly as she recalled happier memories. "He was only three, very precocious of course, but there was something so trustworthy about him." She sighed again as her memories shifted to the times she had stayed with her father which were usually cut short when Renee decided she wanted Bella back home.
"Yes, you and Jake have been close for a lot of years." Old Quil mused.
"Yes, even when we hadn't seen each other for quite a few of them too. Renee stopped my visits here when I was twelve. It wasn't my choice but she told dad that it was." Bella frowned. Old Quil noticed she called Charlie dad but called her mother by her first name when she talked about her parents. "But when I came to live with dad," Bella continued. "Jake and I got along as if we had never been separated. It was so cool having a friend here when I first arrived. I made some at school when I started, but after a while, especially when I got involved with the Cullen's, I kinda lost them. Well Mike and that were still cordial, and sweet Angela, but Jessica and Lauren, they became spiteful, just like the girls I used to know when I was little."
Old Quil nodded. He wasn't just listening to her words; he was watching the signals she gave out. Her hands were still twisted in her lap, they did this when she became anxious, then she would put an arm across her body as if she was holding herself together. She did that when she mentioned Renee and feeling lonely and isolated. The only time she relaxed was when she spoke about Jacob. Old Quil could literally see Bella's defences slipping as she rambled on about Jacob being her sun and how much she loved him. Her eyes were far away again, it was as if she had forgotten he was sitting across from her. She was speaking to herself, as if she was sorting things out in her head but verbalising them out loud. The elder remained silent as he let her talk on and on.
"And then I felt rejected again when mom told me she wanted to hit the road with Phil." Bella took the tissue that Old Quil passed her. She dabbed at her eyes as she cried. "It was like she didn't want me anymore, you know." Old Quil nodded his agreement. "Even though I felt hurt I hid it, you can't upset Renee, it wasn't the done thing. She can't cope with emotions like that. I'm supposed to be the strong one." She wiped her eyes again as fresh tears welled in them. "So I put on a front and told her that I would go stay with dad, and she didn't even fight me. That was what hurt most of all."
Old Quil handed her the whole box of tissues as she began to open up about her first few months in Forks, how it felt meeting Edward and the Cullen's for the first time, how hard it was getting to know her dad again after barely seeing him for years. She confessed that being with the Cullen's made her feel like she was part of a family. She had craved Edward's overprotectiveness at first as it made her feel safe; no one had ever taken charge of her before. She was always alone. But after a while it became suffocating and she found herself as isolated from others as she had been when living with Renee.
Then she moved on to the dark depression she had sunk into after Edward and the Cullen's essentially abandoned her. "I was rejected again. I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Why does everyone keep leaving me? Am I not good enough or loveable enough? Why do I drive people away? It was all too much, the hurt, I couldn't deal with it. Numbness was best, that way I could get through each day, no could hurt me….then of course Jacob came crashing back into my life and I was forced to feel again, he made me feel again and I both loved and resented him for it." Bella smiled through her tears as she began to wax lyrical about her friendship with Jacob which slowly turned into so much more. The tenseness left her face and slowly her whole body relaxed right before the elder's eyes. Her hands no longer clenched together in her lap, the stiff posture was gone and the tears had slowed. They were gone completely when she began to talk about the children, she marvelled over how precious they both were and how life changing being with them had been for her.
Bella didn't realise she had been talking for nearly three hours. She hadn't noticed when Old Quil passed her a drink to refresh her throat as she rambled on, or how many tissues she had got through when she cried. Instead she sat back in her chair, her whole body feeling utterly tired but incredibly relaxed. It was like she was able to breathe again. She filled her lungs with air as she looked into the elder's wise, dark eyes. "This was the real test wasn't it?" She whispered. "All that stuff with the candles and herbs was for show."
"You got me." Old Quil chuckled as he leaned across and patted Bella's hand. "The best way to get things off your chest is to talk about them. I know you probably talk to Jacob, but you love him and don't want to overburden him at times, which is very understandable. But I'm just a foolish old man with plenty of time on my hands. It is easier to talk to someone who is not directly involved I always think." He winked at her as a genuine smile crossed her lips for the first time.
"I think you are a very canny man, Quil." Bella said wryly.
"Don't tell my grandchildren. They seem to think I'm rather deaf these days. I don't want them knowing I can overhear everything and am not as out of it as they think." Old Quil chuckled again.
"Thank you." Bella replied sincerely. She was feeling very grateful.
"You're welcome, Bella Swan." Old Quil smiled at her knowingly.
Bella drove back to the Clearwater's. Leah and Seth were looking after Jet and Marlon while she had her session with Old Quil. Sue was at the Black's with Billy and Jacob while they kept a close watch on Rebecca. Rachel was still there too as far as she knew. So she was surprised to see Jacob sitting out on the front porch with Jet sitting on his lap. The little girl was clapping her hands together as he read her a story. He looked really tired, but he had a small smile on his face as Jet kept him amused by trying to copy the words he was saying. Bella was so incredibly relieved to see him. She had missed him so much over the past few days. Being away from him for too long was not good for her health. She parked the truck and climbed out quickly, hurrying over to join the cute family scene playing out before her.
Jacob raised his eyes to meet hers. It was when their gazes locked that it happened. There were no bells tolling, there were no thunderbolts or stars exploding. It was more a quiet awakening. Bella felt as if she had spent most of her life looking through a filter, that everything around her which had been in shades of grey was now in technicolour. She could see, and now she understood. It had always been there, she had just failed to look. Bella sat down beside Jacob, Jet climbed onto her lap and cuddled close as she mumbled mom. Bella rested her head on Jacob's shoulder as he slipped his warm arm around her waist and tugged her closer. She closed her eyes in bliss as she felt the security of the imprint surround her like a blanket. Bella was home.
A/N-thanks for reading!