Originally published: March 4, 2011

Author's Note: 'Count down' season 3 x17. Not proof-read. Kindly excuse the errors which you may find.

Always…

FEB 28th 2011

12PM

Now by my last entry if you think that, that was the maximum number of mistakes a man could do to hurt himself…well then think again…Yes because I just committed one more.

So as I said before I went and drowned my brooding self into warm amber liquids until well I literally started loosing my senses and then I did what most people who loose their brains due to drinking do…I umm...I drunk dialed her! (Well with me …disasters are just waiting to happen,aren't they?)

Anyways I called her in an almost semi-conscious state hoping to tell exactly how I felt at that moment… But somewhere in the back, my conscious part of the brain warned me not to do it. But the drunken part was more daring than I would have imagined.

And what more? Yup to my complete surprise she picked up the call on just the first ring! Suddenly the ever so daring drunk brain started to waver and panic. Somehow I guessed it didn't actually expect her to pick up the call just sadistically believing she might be too occupied with him to even pick up a call at that time.

But then my sane part which by now took over thankfully was telling me that she might not necessarily be with him at that moment … or may be she was just putting her phone away for the night. The second thought did hurt and my heart flinched in pain. And suddenly that is when I realized she was calling my name for well I don't know for how many times by then. And her next sentence was the one which almost sobered me up immediately. She said with the utmost concern I have ever heard in her voice that she was coming over to my house in 10 mins if I did not reply to her immediately.

I almost smiled unconsciously on hearing that because it just reminded me of the many many reasons I love her and also just how stupid I was to do this. There she was ready to leave everything… ready to leave him even just because I am not answering the phone properly and here I'm moronically drunk dialing her to ruin her evening. (A part of me actually wanted her to come leaving him and everything behind... but somethings just got to happen they way they supposed to happen,right?)

Well, she might not have fallen for me…but she has always trusted me as a true friend atleast and I will uphold that honor till death. So I just replied that I was sorry to call her and I had dialed her number in my sleep as my keypad hadn't been locked. (The lamest excuse I had ever given and that too to a detective! I really was drunk you see!)

But of course she was Beckett she immediately caught on that something was wrong and she said that her offer was still valid and she could come over if I wanted her to. But with the least bit of goodness I hope I still possessed I declined the offer. But it did not end there... what she asked me next almost shook me… she asked "ok then I will meet you tomorrow then…"a small pause followed by a very low pitched almost inaudible…vulnerable... "Right?"

I couldn't bear the vulnerability in her voice and the thought that all that was because of me;I just felt disgusted. She thought I would leave her again…leave her like I did last time. How stupid was I to not know that? She never faltered to tell me how much she appreciated me in her life but there must have been something that must have pushed her into arms of another man every time even when I'm there right in front of her… It must have been the fear that I would leave her again and go away forever that must have kept her from trusting me. I have not helped in allaying that fear away either…

May be that was exactly my biggest mistake, I was just not brave enough for her. For I wouldn't lie that I had all the intention of going back to precinct tomorrow and face her again with the same fervor knowing that she may be God forbid decide that actually Josh was her one and done. And even though I'm ashamed to admit this but somewhere unknowingly the thought to run far-far away from all this had cropped up in my mind today.

But now I know what my mistake has been throughout… I know what I must do… I need to show her that I would always be there for her no matter what happened in her life.

And that is actually when I realized the true depth of the word which I had said to her then and so many other times before almost unconsciously, which was… "Always". That word meant more than just another word; it was meant to be a promise never to be broken. It meant no matter whom she is with or would be with I would be with her always as a friend, as a confidante and as a partner who would always have her back. And someday may be, just may be she might feel that I am worthy enough for her but even if not... I would still stick by my word… I would be for her Always…

(Well thank God not all bad deeds have bad endings sometimes you may just find the answer you are looking for throughout your life through just another mistake.)

- For a brighter tomorrow

Rick.