As soon as I see my brothers horses I know I must get Legolas back to the palace. That is where they will have gone and I realise that in my rush to capitalise on his willingness to come with me I neglected to tell Arwen we were going. This is not my finest hour. When Elrohir arrives to find Legolas missing there will hell to pay. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.
I find him in one of the rear stalls talking to his horse, at least I assume that is what he is doing. I lean against the door frame and watch, in truth I am transfixed. Why have I never noticed before how truly exquisite he is? He takes my breath away. He is not Glorfindel, no-one, no-one can eclipse Glorfindel for me but oh how he stirs me! I stand and watch for far more minutes than I should. I have never imagined wanting anyone but Glorfindel for so long but I DO want him. If he offered himself to me I would take him...if he were not already Elrohir's.
My mind wanders and I find myself thinking on Glorfindel and Erestor. Is this what it is like for them? I have never understood it, I tell Glorfindel I do but it is a lie. He swears whatever it is he feels for Erestor it does not affect his love for me, that I am his heart. I have never been able to grasp that, to truly believe it. If I am his heart why would he want something more? Now I think I know.
But Legolas and I will never be. We have had our one and only time and that will be enough. I am sad though, deeply sad that will always be tainted by the terrible betrayal it was to my brother. I think Legolas wishes it had never happened, I know he does I have seen the pain it causes him. I on the otherhand suddenly find that memory is a treasure, one of my most precious. I sigh, he hears me and turns around, the spell is broken.
"What are you looking at?" His beautiful face is creased with a frown.
"I was thinking," I say, "that I have actually enjoyed your company today."
His eyes widen in surprise. He did not expect that!
"Oh." He does not know how to respond and looks away. I know as a Silvan he is well used to freeness. These desires I am discovering will not be completely alien to him. I wonder what he thinks of me when he sees me? I wonder if he desires me still? For myself not my similarity to my brother. Thinking on my brother reminds me.
"Elrohir and Estel have arrived."
I see his shoulders tense and I continue,
"We must go back Legolas, they will be worried, they do not know we are here."
I wonder which of them it is he is afraid to see...maybe both.
It is as if a weight has descended on him crushing him in front of my eyes. I want to relieve him of it, I want him to be the being of lightness and grace he was when I came in here. He should always be that.
"When Elrohir discovers you are missing he will send out a search party," I try to lighten the mood.
"When he finds out it is me you have gone off with he will think I have taken you out of the city and abandoned you...or worse." I smile so he knows I am teasing without malice.
He returns it uncertainly. I don't blame him for his uncertainty, when have I ever joked with him?
"Worse probably," he replies, "perhaps you have sold me to slave traders? I think I will fetch a fine price"
"Oh you would fetch a fine price indeed" I say appreciately and I mean it.
"Perhaps I should consider that?"
He laughs, and the tension eases...slightly.
I throw my arm around his shoulders as if we have been friends for years instead of what we are which is ...I find I do not know, What are we? I think perhaps we are not the same now as we were this morning. Not friends though and that causes me regret. If I cannot have him I at least could have his friendship.
The walk back to the palace is a silent one and he spends most of it deep in thought while I find myself completely distracted by him, his hair, his touch, the light of his eyes, it is all I can do not to constantly stare at him. My thoughts are not the most pure. As we climb the steps to the entrance he speaks.
"Elrohir will be worried."
He is right there, and I have to agree. Elrohir can drown himself in worry.
"Sometimes his anxiety can be suffocating," Legolas continues and his shoulders slump. I look at him in concern, I understand what he is saying, I have been on the receiving end of that myself but I had hoped he and my brother had reached a place where they were more secure. It seems not.
I worry for them, I know Legolas needs Elrohir with the depths of his soul. I have seen the desperation of that need that night the fever stripped him bare. I wonder how I can help them.
While I have been lost in my thoughts Legolas has moved on to other problems,
"And Aragorn will be angry."
Oh he will, he will indeed.
"Perhaps he has reason to be?" It slips out before I can stop it and it is an error.
"And perhaps it is none of your business!" He snarls. Our oasis of companionship has come to an end. My words have let me down again.
He shrugs off my arm and stalks away in anger and I am left to trail behind him miserably. So quickly everything changes.
I let him go ahead, if he wants to face them on his own so be it, perhaps I will just avoid them all together. It is a pleasant thought that distracts me as I imagine turning around, back to the stables and riding off to Imladris and Glorfindel on my own. I seem to spend my life sorting out the mess created by my brothers and all of a sudden I realise I have had enough. There must be more to life than this. I am fed up with the lot of them.
I take my time heading to Estel's study, that is where they will be and where Legolas will have gone as well. Before I even reach it I can hear the chaos, raised voices pouring through the woodwork out into the corridor. The guards outside the door look terrified and relieved to see me. I imagine they have no idea what they should do about what is obviously an unholy row. From where I stand I can hear Elrohir is at his most uncontrollable. I should walk through that door and calm him down, pour water on his fire, help to reign himself in and see reason as I always do, At times I feel I am an interpreter between him and the rest of the world, but why should I be?
Something within me snaps. I open the door but I do not go in there with calm and reason. I am a whirlwind of frustration. I am a vortex of rage.
They do not even notice me.
Elrohir and Estel whose relationship has long been uneasy, who have been worn thin by days of worry and fatigue are at each other's throats with Legolas white faced and tense in the corner. I presume Estel has said his piece, expressed his hurt, he has been so very hurt by Legolas this last year, and Elrohir has taken offence. What else can it be?
I can channel my Father when I wish to and it is quite effective as no one expects it. I am the quiet one, the easy, gentle one. Glorfindel knows otherwise and maybe Elrohir when he remembers, to the rest though that part of me is hidden. I am every bit of my Father now.
"What do you think you are doing?"
I do not shout, I do not need to...yet.
They notice me then.
Elrohir is upon me, justifying, arguing, rationalising his bad behaviour. He should know better, he should know I have reached the end of myself but he does not notice. Does he ever really notice me? A part of me knows I am being unfair but I cannot reach it, it is too far away.
"You overstep yourself Elrohir!" It is Estel, still angry, I can see he is tired, that grief and sadness of a lost friendship lie behind this. Normally I would care, today I do not. I open myself and let the rage sweep through me, an unusual feeling and not an unwelcome one.
"Stop it!" I scream it. I scream my frustrations to the sky.
"You can not arrive here and behave like this. Look at him!" I indicate Legolas where he stands a statue of tension.
"There is no excuse for this. I do not care who has offended whom. I do not care how tired you are. I have not spent this time trying to keep him intact for you, for YOU Elrohir, for the both of you, so you can tear him apart the moment you get here. I am tired, ME, I will not watch this. Take yourselves away from us and leave us out of this."
I cannot control myself now I have started. I am shaking, I breathe so fast my head spins but I am still angry.
"I have had enough of you, I have had enough of you all. Will you never stop?"
In the end it is Legolas who calms me and I think we are all surprised at that. My brothers certainly are. I feel a soft touch on my arm and turn, surprised. I do have enough of me left to feel surprise.
"It is alright Elladan." He says gently, "It is alright." And I shudder to a stop.
"It is not alright," I murmur and I think he is the only one who hears me, "It is not alright. I am always in the middle of this." It is hard to catch my breath.
My brothers are shocked into silence and I glare at them. Estel looks at me with concern in his eyes and I see the grief behind them but I am bled dry of compassion, It shocks me how little I care. I want nothing more to do with this.
"Can I trust you to behave?" Even as I speak I feel numb, "Can I leave for I do not want to be near any of you."
"Elladan don't, I am sorry." Elrohir is contrite. Too late he realises he has pushed me too far, he always realises it too late.
"If you had more control you wouldn't have to say you are sorry. I am not your keeper!" I spin on my heels and make to leave. I cannot get out of here fast enough.
"Legolas," I ask as I reach the door. "Are you safe here? If not leave with me."
He gives a curt nod, "I will stay. I will answer to my part in this."
Oh well, I have tried my best to help him. I think I have never felt so relieved in all my life as I am to leave that room. The guards stare at me in trepidation and say nothing.
Behind me the room is in silence.