If I wanted time alone completely losing control and raging inappropriately was not the way to do it. Instead I end up with a string of visitors. It would have been preferable if they had all come to see me at once and got it over with but they do not.
Elrohir arrives first all contrition and remorse, and spilling over with anxiety.
"I am so sorry," he says, "but..."
I stop him there,
"I do not want to hear your buts Elrohir."
He is without Legolas and I wonder why.
"Where is Legolas? I thought there would be no dragging you away from each other."
"He is with Estel, he wished to speak with him."
"That is good!" I exclaim, "Is it not?"
He sighs in reply,
"Yes, yes it is good, as long as it does not deteriorate into something else." He chews on his lip with worry.
"I was terrified for him when I got your letter, I should have gone with him...I should have been with him."
I am determined to stop this self pity right here before it grows into something worse.
"He did not exactly communicate clearly with you Elrohir. You are not a mind reader. And he had options, he had Estel...Gimli even. He chose not to use them. You do him a disservice if you will not let him take responsibility for that."
"I don't know why he will not talk to me."
"Because sometimes you are difficult to talk to." I snap and it hurts him. I should explain that further but I find I don't have the energy so instead I turn my back on him.
"Elladan," I feel his hand on my shoulder, "Are you well? You seem ...angry."
"I AM angry." I mutter, angry at the unfairness of life, I think to myself.
He will not let it go,
"What have I done?"
I cannot tell him the truth, and I now know what that is, that he has placed Legolas completely
out of my reach. It is an unfair anger and one that makes no real sense. I have Glorfindel and he is more than enough, I would never replace him. I do not resent my brother having his own love that is just as glorious. At least I will not resent it, not tomorrow or in the days to come but right now I do.
So instead I justify my anger in other ways, his behaviour has given me plenty to choose from.
"You have returned here when I have been struggling to care for Legolas and you damage him the instant you arrive." I say. "You expect me to be your control because you do not want to exercise any self restraint yourself. I am tired of doing that Elrohir. You are not a child, I am not your parent. I am sick of being the calm one, the reasonable one while you live your life with the freedom of not having to care!"
Glorfindel has been telling me I should have this conversation with Elrohir for decades, why not do it now?
"I do not mean to!" he says with horror,
"You DO mean to Elrohir. and I let you."
He puts his arms around me to comfort and rests his head against mine,
"I will try to change for you,"
"Try to change for yourself." Suddenly I am overwhelmed by remorse, by a dragging sense of sadness and guilt. I love him so, my brother. I can not exist without him and Legolas and I have already wronged him. I understand Legolas's raw grief and guilt the other night for surely we cannot keep what we have done from him forever and it will destroy him. I have already destroyed him he just does not know it. It is all I can do not to fall apart.
He senses my unrest, of course he does.
"What is wrong Elladan? You feel so...unhappy."
I fob him off,
"It is nothing, ignore me, I have been here alone and I am missing Glorfindel." It is not exactly a lie, I AM missing him, he would help me work through this in my head, I miss his wisdom.
Elrohir accepts it and we spend the rest of our time speaking of much lighter subjects. He is weary, I see that and eager to return to Legolas so I let him go.
Estel when he arrives is a much harder prospect to deal with. He watches me like a hawk, prying away my layers trying to assess what is wrong. Unlike Elrohir he is more difficult to fool. It is through a healers eyes he views me not a brothers.
"What ails you?" He asks.
"Absolutely nothing." I try to give him no clues, no hints of the turmoil under the surface.
"That was a rather unexpected display you put on."
"Can I not be unexpected? Must I always being boring Elladan?"
He frowns, "Stop trying to distract me! What was the cause of that?"
"Perhaps you will be good enough to tell me the cause of the row between you and Elrohir?
That stops him in his tracks. I have shamed him. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair in frustration.
"I was out of line. I admit it, I am tired, Elrohir and I have had long days of worry. None of that is an excuse. I should have known Elrohir would react badly. I should have taken that into account...and Legolas, it was not the time to point his failings out to him."
I feel sorry for him.
"Elrohir says you and Legolas have spent time together. That is good Estel."
"He seems changed..." he murmurs as if speaking to himself, "He seemed more...accepting of himself,"
But he will not let me off the hook as easily as all that.
"It cannot have been easy for you caring for Legolas on your own given your...difficulty to get along." He looked at me through narrowed eyes, "Perhaps that has taken its toll? Arwen says you have found it challenging at times."
Damn Arwen, I think. Can she not ever keep her mouth shut? Must she tell Estel everything?
But then I remember something I should have told him, what am I thinking? Why am I suddenly so neglecting of my duties as a healer.
"I need to you look at Legolas's shoulder," I say, "I have concerns...I have not mentioned them to him as yet."
He looks at me with interest as I elaborate.
"The damage was extensive and the infection deep seated. It doesn't heal as well as I would expect, I would welcome a fresh pair of eyes, perhaps I have missed something?"
As a distraction it works perfectly even though I did not intend it as that and he is instantly focused. My transgressions are forgotten.
" I will see him tonight then," he says with concern, "He is with Elrohir so I can hardly interrupt them at the moment. Will you be at dinner? We could see him together then. I am sure they will emerge for that."And he gives me a smile.
At the thought of Legolas and Elrohir together I am struck by an unexpected pang of jealousy and it makes me rather bad tempered to think of it. I should not be jealous of my brother. That is not necessary.
"I am not in the mood for dinner." I snap at him and he raises his eyebrows with surprise but does not bite back.
"I will send Arwen then with food for you here." He replies but I will have none of that.
"I am not hungry!"
It is the truth. I stormed out with Legolas's precious cakes still in my possession and sitting in my room in a temper I have consumed most of them. I am not hungry in the slightest.
Eventually Estel gives up. I am determined and far to old to fall for anything he can throw at me. He cannot breach my defences and I remain a closed book. So I am left on my own and the relief that accompanies that is enormous.
Legolas arrives last of all and late, very late. I have abandoned attempts to sleep and sit at my desk writing to Glorfindel. I write to him often while I am away, he probably gets sick of the letters or the messengers get fed up with bearing them but it helps me to think things through, writing to him, and eases my yearning for him. I can imagine his advice, his lectures to me when I have been foolish. He would be lecturing me tonight I think. I have told him of my brothers, my unexpected rage and my frustration with them.
Legolas is very still when he arrives. Still, quiet and un-Legolas like as he sits himself on my bed and watches me silently. I wait for him to speak, after all it was he who came here, I did not invite him. Eventually he does and it is not what I expected.
"I am worried about you." he says. The thought of Legolas worrying about me is a strange one. I try to distract him as I did the others but with less success.
"Why are you here? Why are you not with Elrohir enjoying yourself?."
He smiles softly a smile full of innuendo.
"We have already enjoyed ourselves. There is a limit you know Elladan. I may have exhausted him." His face then turns serious,
"In truth, he is sleeping. He is worn out, he has ridden hard to reach me. It is my fault of course. But I did not come here to discuss Elrohir."
I turn my back and return to my letter writing. I am tired myself and unaccountably melancholy. Plus he is so very alluring. I do not want to look at him, my desire makes me restless. Perhaps if I ignore him he will go?
It is a false hope.
"What are you writing?" He asks.
"A letter to Glorfindel," I sigh, I don't know why I am answering, it is none of his business.
"Ah! You miss him." He says it as if it is a grand discovery.
"It helps me organise my thoughts." I say, "but yes I miss him." A wave of loneliness sweeps over me. Imladris is so far away. So many I love are too far away. I do not realise I am crying until the tear falls on the paper in front of me. How ridiculous, I am behaving like a child who is homesick for it's mother. I brush the tears hurriedly from my face, Thank goodness Legolas cannot see them.
He notices all the same.
"You are unhappy."He says bluntly, "Is it the sea?"
"No."
I am sure it is not, I can feel nothing of it but the lightest whisper in the depths of my mind. It is hardly there.
"I think of those who wait for me, that I cannot reach and those I will leave behind I do not want to lose. Sometimes I feel torn in two. It is silly Legolas, Ignore it."
But instead he leans forward intently.
"It IS the sea."
"No, It is merely nostalgia," Why will he not listen?
He takes my hand and his touch burns me. It sends a jolt to my groin that I can't ignore. I try to snatch my hand back but he will not release it.
"I can help Elladan, let me in."
"I don't need help" I protest but I let him in regardless, I want the contact, I have wanted it all day. I cannot overlook the opportunity to obtain it.
I sense him in a rush, green, light, joy, he is a summer meadow, I can smell the new grass. And behind him is the sea. It is my sea at first, grey and dreary, the sand black and the sky thunderous and I am dragged down into despair. But with Legolas there it changes slowly and initially I do not notice. When he is done the water is sparkling and as blue as the sky above it, where water and sky meet I can barely tell. The golden sands are warm under my feet and I dig my toes in, where did my shoes go?
I see him then at the waters edge, dancing in the waves. "Elladan!" He cries, "join me!" And I do. I am like a child on a picnic. It is peaceful. It is perfect. I could stay here all day, I am happy.
And then he is gone, as quickly as that but the blue sea, the golden sands, the feeling of peace remains.
I open my eyes and he is smiling at me.
"How did you do that?" I gasp.
He shrugs his shoulders,
"How did you change my waves of terror that would drown me into something bold and exciting in the storm?" He asks in return.
I have to admit I do not know.
"Does it matter how?" He asks "As long as we can."
Perhaps he was right and it was the sea all along causing my disquiet, my misery and uncharacteristic anger. The intimacy of the connection has even knocked away the harsh jagged edges of my desire, only a warm golden glow remains.
In one smooth movement he leaps to his feet.
"I will go now," And I realise I don't want him to.
"I need to be with Elrohir," he says by way of explanation. "I need to. He lightens my despair but I knew something was ill with you. Did I help?"
I nod. He has helped indeed.
On his way out he pauses and his face lights up when he spies the now nearly empty bag of cakes. He snatches it up but when he opens it looks up at me in confusion,
"Where are they all?"
"Ah... Legolas, sorry..." I have done it again and ruined everything. That old woman, the cakes, were something special and I have been thoughtless.
"I was hungry..." my voice trails off, it really is a pathetic excuse.
I await the explosion.
It doesn't come, instead he grins widely at me.
"At least you have left me one. You are as bad as Gimli!" He laughs, and as he exits the door I hear him say,
"Why must all my friends be untrustworthy around cakes?"
It is the second time he has called me friend and I find I like it.
I return to my letter, I have just finished a long rant about the ungratefulness of my brothers and I think I will leave it in there. The sentence I had started when Legolas interrupted me lies in front of me incomplete and I ponder it.
About Legolas...
Do I tell Glorfindel of my discovery today? We will certainly discuss it for I need him to help me get my head around it but perhaps a letter is not the best place for that. No, I decide it is not. I will tell him that face to face.
I pick up the pen and begin to write, I know what I will say.
About Legolas...This may well surprise you but I think we may be friends.