Ruined

Severus should have known that it was too good to last. He should have known that he would mess this up, just as he had messed up every aspect of his life.

His father had left him, disgusted by his son the freak.

His mother had scorned him, blamed him for making his father leave, for causing their arguments.

Everyone seemed to leave him, and it was always his fault.

Now his stupidity had lost him Lily.

Severus paused, his breath hitching involuntarily. He moved to the side of the corridor and rested a pale hand on the ancient stone. Trying to pull the strength that he needed out of it.

He straightened up, flicking his head to clear the hair out of his eyes and ignored the wounded beating of his heart. Slytherins are ice cold. That was what his mother had taught him and any sort of emotion that he displayed was a weakness. Weaknesses were not permitted in such a prestigious house.

Severus moved on, keeping close to the walls and letting the stream of students flow past him.

He used to be like them, he used to walk this castle with glee, a spring in his step and a pretty girl at his side. Her fiery hair would light his path and he would willingly follow her to the ends of the earth. Now, however, he was alone, isolated. A small island of darkness.

He thought back to the encounter. He had lashed out at Lily, humiliation and anger had caused him to react and because he was too weak, too cowardly to attack his assailants, he attacked her instead. His actions only pushed her straight into the arms of James Potter. The bane of his life at Hogwarts.

Severus took the stairs slowly, ignoring the way that other students were pushing, all moving with one mind and one purpose. A bright, warm, homey light shone from the open doors of the great hall, attracting all the hungry students into the room like moths to a flame.

He was one of the last ones to reach the door, only a few of the later students were left to trickle past him and he found himself hovering in the shadows of the doorway. Severus hesitated, surprisingly unwilling.

He looked towards the Slytherin table, his new group of 'friends' sat there, talking quietly amongst themselves. No doubt discussing the plans of this fanatic who hated all muggles and mudbloods. Whoever he was, he was planning some sort of demonstration and bit by bit his minions in Hogwarts were recruiting the whole of Slytherin house. He wasn't really in the mood for that sort of stupidity, the only reason he had joined at all was the huge peer pressure, and it wasn't like he needed anyone else bullying him.

Severus let his eyes drift across the rest of the hall, stopping briefly on the old head teacher at the front. Albus Dumbledore, legendary wizard, who had, for some reason, settled for shepherding the next generation. He too seemed to be fixated on the small knot of Slytherins, a slight frown creasing his brown. Severus considered going to him for a second, explaining what they were doing and allowing the older and wiser wizard to deal with the problem. But he quickly decided against it, knowing just what would happen to a 'snitch' like that.

He started into the hall, hunger finally winning out over hesitation, but he stopped again almost immediately as a familiar laugh, as clear and beautiful as a bell, caught his attention.

Reluctantly he scanned the Gryffindor table and his heart dropped as he observed Lily, his Lily, sat side by side with that idiot Potter boy. She was laughing hysterically at something he had said and had one pale, delicate hand resting on his arm. The idiot boy was beaming like it was Christmas and his birthday all come early.

Severus knew that he had hurt Lily, and that their friendship was probably ruined forever, but he hadn't thought that his actions would cause him this much pain. That he would have to watch as she sunk so low.

But no, he thought, he didn't have to watch. Appetite suddenly gone Severus turned on heel and headed towards the staircase down into the dungeons. He didn't notice the sharp drop in temperature that always accompanied the decent into the lower level of the castle, having gone cold in shock and horror. The image of Lily and Potter was burned into his mind and it made him angrier and angrier with every passing second.

He entered the empty Slytherin common room, marched straight over to the fireplace, ignored the flickering green flames and drove his fist straight into the rough stone there. The pain blossomed instantly and he hissed, cradling the injured hand and examined the now blood knuckles.

Lashing out hadn't really helped and Severus felt all the fight drain for him, a wave of regret and despair over came in and he sunk to his knees, pitching forward slightly to rest his forehead against the cool, slightly damp stone.

He sighed. Never in his whole life had he ever felt such a level of despair, so very isolated from anything that had ever made him happy. Not losing his father, or having his own mother hate him. Not even being shunned as weird by all the people who lived around him. He had always had Lily, and she had always made life in Spinners End bareable. Merlin only knew what he was going to do this summer.

Why did he always have to ruin everything?