Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama. It is owned by the awesome Sorachi Hideaki-sensei, Sunrise and Shueisha.
Rating: T
Genre: Romance, Humor
Summary: Like many other girls during Valentines, Tsukuyo is on a mission to give chocolates to the people she knows. However, doing that is not easy with the harem and a lazy permed samurai being in the way. GintokixHarem, GintokixTsukuyo.
Author's Notes: It's here! It's FINALLY here! Sorry for the late update, things got really busier in real life and this one turned out to be longer than what I've expected. Oh well. This length… is somehow equal to a chapter of Truth. Speaking of Truth, can I update later than usual? *shot*
The Valentine Crisis
A Gintama Fanfiction
By Kurasuchi~
XOXOX
CHAPTER 2
The Tales of Kitchenland
XOXOX
Valentine's Day is the day that most men in the whole country had been waiting for—different kinds of chocolates from all directions, all depicted with different meanings, with each piece carrying a tiny shred of hope that there is some love mixed with it. Truly, whenever the 14th day of February comes, everyone in the whole country just gets riled up.
…And the people of Edo are no exception.
In Kabuki-chou, one of the rowdiest districts in Edo, men are getting excited at the thought of getting chocolate from their respective crushes. All of them expect that they'll get honmei choco, or at least, even giri choco… but there are others who receive none at all.
And as for the two people who now stood in front of a door which would obviously lead to the absolute path to destruction, they obviously belong to the latter.
That is, those people who receive none at all.
Well, actually, they received four chocolates the last time that the gorilla had made a Valentines-centered chapter. But that really didn't count, since those chocolates are for two persons and was butchered by a gluttonous Yato as well. And last year was… well, what could they ever say?
"Pattsuan, make sure that your mind is all up and ready to go. We're going for the kill."
Hearing this from the silver-haired man in front of him, the glasses wearing the man named Shinpachi can only heave a deep sigh.
"But Gin-san, are you really sure this is going to work?"
The silver-haired man, who was referred to as Gin-san, looked at Shinpachi at the corner of his eye.
"Just trust me in this, Pattsuan. I'm sure this will work. No—I'm certain that this will work."
The bespectacled boy just eyed him with uncertainty. "Are you really sure? It's not like I'm against this idea or anything, it's just that… I think this isn't really going to work.."
Faced with that kind or reply from his companion, Gintoki can only sigh in exasperation. "Your indecisiveness is the reason why you're still a cherry boy at this age, Shinpachi-kun. You know, men should always learn how to take risks. If you aren't taking any risks, then you're just as worth as a 300 yen coin found beneath the vending machine."
"No, I'm not being indecisive, Gin-san. And besides, doesn't that apply to you as well?! You're a cherry boy through and through! And that analogy doesn't even match!"
Before Shinpachi can even add more words to his already excessively long tsukkomi, Gintoki's hand had already found its way atop the younger man's head, greeting it with a swift karate chop.
"YOU BIG IDIOT!"
"O-OUCH, THAT HURTS! Gin-san, what the hell is that for?! You don't have to hit me to get your point across, dammit!"
Gintoki heaved a deep sigh before looking at the young man before him. He then crossed his arms on his chest and faced him with a serious look on his face.
"Listen to me, Shinpachi. Do you know how I ranked at that Recochoku Valentine poll for the last two years?"
"R-Recochoku Valentine poll? What are you talking about, Gin-san? Of course I know that! Everyone knows that, you don't have to flaunt it to my face!"
"That's right. For these past two consecutive years, I was the one who ranked first in the 'Recochoku Valentine Anime Character Survey: Anime Characters I Want to Give Chocolates' poll that those 3DPD girls had conducted. But despite that fact… just look at what happened last year and the year before that! Where the hell are our chocolates?!"
Shinpachi was dumbfounded at this. He never thought about that fact, but he cannot help but to agree with his reasoning. If Gin-san was the one who always ranked first, then why doesn't he receive any chocolates? Why is Gin-san so desperate to have chocolates this year despite the fact that he should be bathing in a sea of chocolates right now?
"G-Gin-san… you mean… someone had taken steps in order to prevent those chocolates from being sent to you?"
Gintoki only smirked in response. "Most likely, yes. And if I were to think about this logically, there can only be one suspect."
"Eh? Then… who is it? You should be taking actions about this matter, Gin-san! You shouldn't overlook this!"
"Like hell I am overlooking this! I am taking actions by my own hands, Pattsuan! I am doing something!"
"Then if you're doing something then why aren't you getting anything?!"
At that moment, Gintoki then grabbed a volume of Weekly Shounen Jump from who-knows-where and flipped over the page wherein the mangaka of each series post their comments: the Weekly Jump Table of Contents Page.
"That's the… that's the Weekly ToC! Why are you showing that to me, Gin-san? I don't get what you're saying!"
"You big idiot! You still don't get my point? Just read the damn comment, specifically on the Gintama corner—that gorilla's comment!"
Adjusting his glasses, Shinpachi then looked closer at the page and read the said comment out loud.
"I received Valentine chocolates. Thanks for letting me fall into a delusion that old guys are popular too— EEEEEEEHHH?!"
"You get it now, Shinpachi? The culprit is no other than… is no other than that gorilla mangaka of Gintama! He and his staff are the ones who eat my Valentine chocolates! They make themselves feel good by thinking, 'Ooooh, I'm so popular that I even got lots of choco this Valentines!' kind of thing! And they don't even leave me some chocolate!"
"But Gin-san, we are 2D so we can't actually—"
"SHUT UP! In this world there is no 2D or 3D! 2.5D people exist! And have you forgotten that live-action sequence that Sunrise did? Whether I may be 2D or 3D, all the girls love me!"
Shinpachi can only look at him disgustingly. He didn't have to show off to him, seriously!
Gintoki sighed. "And look at what I have now… since I don't receive any chocolate—even though I should be having a lot of sugar during this time of the year—I can only rely on those girls to leave me some! Don't you feel the same? Don't you think that there are also 3DPD girls who like a disgusting plain cherry boy like you whose only redeeming feature is his glasses?"
"Who's a disgusting plain cherry boy whose only redeeming feature is his glasses?! You damned lazy perm-haired samurai bastard!"
"Shut up! That's why I can only do this kind of thing. We have no other choice. Pattsuan, don't you want to receive chocolates this year?"
"I do want to receive chocolates this year, Gin-san."
"Right. That's why… you better get ready."
And with that sentence, the two young men strengthened their resolve as they waited to be called out from the other side of the door.
XOXOXOX
Tsukuyo was at a loss. She didn't know how to react to everything. The chocolate-making session that she thought that will end up being normal… ended up being exactly the opposite.
Somehow, she ended up being classmates with Shimura Tae, Yagyuu Kyuubei, Kagura and Sarutobi Ayame in this chocolate-making session. She supposed that the old woman named Otose was the one who's gonna be teaching them since Shouko-san was currently incapacitated, and even though Tama, the robot girl of Snack Otose as well as Catherine, the monster girl of the said establishment were also there, she supposed that they only accompanied the older woman. Either way, those two didn't look like they're taking the lessons, since they just stood there at the corner, waiting for the elderly woman's instructions.
"Okay then, now that everything's been settled, let us proceed with the lesson proper. Everyone, make sure that you have your ingredients and materials ready!"
"Okay~!" said the class in unison.
"Alright then! Let us start the lesson!" exclaimed Otose, as she then went over to the corner as if she's anticipating another person's arrival.
"Uh… why are you moving away, Otose-san?" asked Otae, noticing the unusual position that the older woman had made. "Aren't you going to teach us how to make chocolates?"
"What? I'm not the one who's going to teach you! I'm just a recruiter! There's someone else! There's someone else who's gonna teach you how to make chocolates!"
Sacchan shook her head. "No! I can't accept this! I can't accept anyone other than Okaa-san to teach us on making chocolates!"
"Who the hell's your okaa-san?! I'm not your okaa-san, dammit!"
"But you are my okaa-san! Since I'm going to be Gin-san's wife, then it is only logical that you, his mother, should be—"
"Oi, oi, since when did I ever have a son as wretched as him?! Don't go making stories you shithead!"
Puffing out some smoke out of her kiseru, Tsukuyo only chuckled at the purple-haired assassin's antics, which was easily noticed by the latter. "Your obsession towards Gintoki never fails to amaze me, Sarutobi. You really amuse me all the time."
"What the hell is that?!" screeched the bespectacled kunoichi. "I heard you, Tsukki! What do you mean by amusing you, huh? Just so you know, my love for Gin-san is far more greater than yours!"
"Who the hell said that I love that lazy permhead?! Are you damn blind?!"
"You're the one who's damn blind! I saw you making some moves on my beloved Gin-san! Don't you even try to deny it!"
"Are you damn crazy?! Why am I going to make a move on him? If anything, he's the one who should be—"
Seeing the commotion right in front of her, Otose harrumphed and yet no one even reacted. They were still doing the things that they've been doing before: Otae and Kyuubei were still chatting, Kagura was still picking her nose, and Sacchan and Tsukuyo were still arguing over that lazy permhead. Realizing that they will never listen to her at this rate, she then moved towards the door and told the teachers to enter the room.
"Well, here are your teachers for today," said Otose as she made room for the two new teachers to take the space at the center aisle. She then looked at the older one among the two and eyed him with a serious look on her face. "You better make this a success. You still promised to pay the rent."
The man only smiled at this. "Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, old hag. I'll do just fine."
Taking a deep breath, the older man then looked in front of him and stared at his students with his dead fish-like eyes.
"Oi, cut that crap out. We're about to start the lesson, you bastards."
With that sudden statement, the girls then stopped on their tracks and looked at the two men right in front of them.
One of them was a young man in his teens who had his hair gelled up. He wore plain glasses despite the fact that his clothes were that of a rock star, complete with an electric guitar in his hands as an accessory.
On the other hand, the other one was a silver-haired man with a cigarette on his mouth (which he claims to be candy since it is lollied) who wore a blue polo shirt with a yellow necktie, complete with a white vest. Still looking at them with a bored expression, he then picked his nose and continued on staring at them.
"G-Gin-san! At last, you've come to me at last!" exclaimed Sacchan as she immediately went to glomp Gintoki without much a second thought. And the latter didn't waste a second either, since he swatted off the kunoichi out of his reach, much to the former's delight.
"Who are you referring to as Gin-san, you bitch! I'm not Gin-san! In here I am Ginpachi-sensei! Respect the authorities properly!"
"Ah, Gin-san~ you really love to be strict on me… Come on… punish me.. punish me please~!"
"Like hell I would! You're disgusting, get the hell off of me!"
"Gin-san~!"
And as the two adults continued their S&M play, Kagura then walked towards the two men in front and grabbed their heads, her murderous aura permeating throughout the whole room.
"Gin-chan, Shinpachi, why are you here?!" she asked, grinding the sukonbu that was stuck on her mouth. "You're trying to leave me out, eh? So that's why when I asked the two of you on what you'll be doing for today, you've purposely told me something else! You bastards!"
Both men trembled in fear. "K-Kagura-chan, i-it's not like we're hiding it from you or anything.. it's more of a surprise for you… right, S-Shinpachi?"
"T-That's right, Gin-san," agreed Shinpachi. "This is our gift for you, so you shouldn't be too angry at us, K-Kagura-chan.."
"You liars! You just want to hog off the chocolate all by yourselves! You bastards should've just—"
"Kagura, stop that."
Hearing that sudden voice behind her, Kagura immediately looked behind, only to find the Shinigami Dayuu beside her.
Her arms crossed on her chest as she took a smoke, Tsukuyo then looked suspiciously at the silver-haired man in front of her. "And tell me, Gintoki. Why are you guys dressed like that? Are you really going to teach us how to make chocolates, even at that level?"
"Oi, oi. What do you mean 'even at that level', huh? You lookin' down on us, huh?!"
Despite Gintoki's complaints, Tsukuyo just shrugged it off and walked towards her space, dragging the still-enraged Kagura along with her. The only thing that the silver-haired samurai got as a reply was the kunai that somehow got itself on his forehead.
Kyuubei then cleared her throat in order to get Gintoki's attention. "Well then sensei," she started, playing along with their antics of being today's teachers. "Since you've arrived and everything, you should properly introduce yourselves to us."
Noticing this, Gintoki then heaved a deep sigh and dragged his hand onto his already messy permed hair.
"Alright. Everyone, since you're all so persistent, allow us to introduce ourselves. We'll be your teachers for today. My name's Sakata Gintoki, though from now on you're gonna call me Ginpachi-sensei—"
"Ginpachi-sensei my ass! Gin-chan, don't forget that I'm still—"
"—And this guy here is the glasses," continued Gintoki, pointing out to the other young man beside him. "That's all."
"What do you mean that's all?! Aren't you going to add anything else, like 'Shimura Shinpachi' or something? At least add something to my description!"
"But Pattsuan, I've already said everything that could be said about you!"
"What do you mean that you've already said everything that could be said about me?! Are you trying to say that the only thing that could be said about me is my glasses?!" he ranted, before trying to calm himself as he cleared his throat in order to prepare himself for his introduction. "Well anyway, forget what he said. My name is Shimura Shinpachi, but from now on I'll be known as Inaba Koshi, and as you can see I am—"
Before he can even finish his introduction, he then found himself being grabbed on the head by no other than his own sister, Shimura Tae, as she looked at him with menacing eyes.
He gulped. "A-Aneue!"
"Just what the hell are you trying to do here, Shin-chan? Are you trying to impersonate Inaba-sama? Just what do you think you are, some kind of rock star? Are you trying to become a part of B'z, huh?!"
"C-Calm down, Aneue! I know that you're a fan of B'z, but I am—"
"Shut up! Or else I'll really show you my Mienai Chikara ~Invisible One~/move!"
"You've already shown me your invisible powers! It's already visible now! It's not invisible anymore! We've already got a Bad Communication!"
"Stop that, you two," intercepted Ginpachi as he looked at the young Yagyuu on the first row. "Kyuubei-kun, put Otae-san on a leash. And Pattsuan, no—Inaba-kun, get yourself ready as well."
And as the two complied with his instructions, Ginpachi tried to start the class off by saying something, until his eyes caught sight of something weird at the far end of the room.
"Oi, what's that thing over there?" he asked, as he walked towards it in order to look at it closely. "Oi, oi… what the hell is this?! Is this a corpse?!"
In front of him was the unconscious body of Shouko-san, who was now lying atop a long wooden box with flowers on her hands. And the way they've placed her atop of it is akin to a… dead person who was inside a coffin.
Shinpachi, upon seeing this, panicked as well. "Aaaaaah! What the hell is this?! Is this person still alive? Is she still breathing?!"
"Ara, Shin-chan, Gin-san! Don't disturb sensei's sleep! Can't you see that she's having the time of her life?!"
"But aneue, it's nothing like that at all!" snapped Shinpachi as he glared daggers at Otae. "I can't see anything about her having the time of her life! I can only see her having the time of her death!"
Taking Otae's explanation as a fact, Ginpachi only nodded his head and walked towards the front in order to start the class. Taking a deep breath, he then called for Tama in order to assist him.
"Okay then, you bastards," he started, with his voice sounding as bored as ever. "This time, in order to start making your chocolates, you have to make sure that you have all of your materials and ingredients ready first. Everyone, check your table if you have everything ready."
Kagura raised her hand. "Sensei, I have a problem."
"What is it, Kagura? What's your problem?"
"I have no more chocolates left. Buy me some."
Hearing this from the youngest Yorozuya, Ginpachi then looked at her table, only to find out that there were no more chocolates in there anymore.
"Of course there will be none of it left!" exclaimed Shinpachi as he pointed to Kagura. "You've already eaten everything! Just look at those traces of chocolate near your mouth!"
Ginpachi, on the other hand, just shrugged it off. "Then get some chocolates outside, Kagura. You can use mud as a substitute. You have an infinite supply outside."
"But sensei, mud isn't tasty—"
"Ah, just shut up," he replied, before looking at the majority of his class. "Anyway, as long as you've determined that you have everything ready, then you can start on making the chocolate. Tama, the table is now yours."
"Understood, Gintoki-sama. I now declare this table to be one of my personal property."
"No, it's not like that! It's just a figure of speech! An idiomatic expression! You don't have to take it literally!"
"Understood. Processing Gintoki-sama's earlier sentence: I should not be taking everything that he says seriously is now added to my data."
"That's right! That's why you should start now!"
"Understood," she affirmed, and looked at the women in front of her. She then took a bar of chocolate and broke it into little pieces. After breaking the chocolate into pieces, she then grabbed the chocolate and placed everything on her mouth.
Her eyes turned blank and a red light shone from it. "Initializing: Internal heater. Heat this chocolate for five minutes."
Nodding his head in agreement, Gintoki then pointed to the green-haired android and looked at his students. "Well then, I'm sure you've seen what she did. Now follow the same thing."
"No, it's impossible, Gin-san!" exclaimed Shinpachi. "Tama-san's a robot! They can't actually copy what she just did!"
"They can do it, Pattsuan. Everyone has an internal heater in their hearts."
"That's just you!"
Kagura then raised her hand as she tried to gobble up the chocolate inside her mouth. "S-Sensei! I did what she just did but my chocolates didn't melt inside my mouth! They disappeared!"
"That's because you've eaten them, Kagura-chan! Of course it'll disappear if you've eaten them!"
"Shut up, Shinpachi! You're just jealous since you won't be able to get any chocolates this year!"
"W-What the hell did you just say?! Oi, repeat that! I order you to repeat that!"
Gintoki then tried to make Shinpachi shut up by whacking him on the head. And fortunately, it did help, since he immediately became quiet once he did that. He then tried to set back the mood by clearing his throat.
"To those who cannot copy what Tama had just done, we have another way to do it. First, you should break down the chocolate into tiny little pieces. And after that, you should place those broken chocolates inside a bowl. Put the said bowl inside another pot of boiling water in order to melt the chocolate."
Tama then did what Gintoki had just said. After melting the chocolate for a few minutes, he then asked her to stop for a little bit.
"So, do you have any more questions before we proceed?"
"Sensei, why do we melt the chocolate?" asked Otae. "I thought we're going to make the chocolate from scratch!"
Gintoki just sighed at this. "Seriously.. You know, with your current skills, do you even think that you could make chocolate from scratch?! Dream on! You'll probably butcher it up, so it's safer if you just melt the chocolate!"
He then found himself hit by a geta thrown away by the resident gorilla woman.
He wiped off the blood that trickled down his face which resulted from being hit with a geta earlier. "You probably didn't know this, but we don't melt the chocolate directly under the heat because if we did, we may burn the chocolate. So, we should just heat it by immersing it under boiling water. That way, the chocolate would just melt and won't burn." He then scratched his silver hair as he grumbled in annoyance. "Okay then, so to continue, once you have melted the chocolate, take it off the boiling water and look for the molder you have on your table."
The girls then followed suit and looked for the chocolate mold that they have on their table.
"You can use any kind of mold you wanted to use. Well, you can also add melted candies to your chocolate for variety—though you can add anything you like if you really wanted to. Uniqueness is the key here, though just don't make up too many weird ideas or else your chocolates will turn out bad.."
Kagura raised her hand. "Sensei! Sacchan's chocolate stinks!"
"Eh? What is it again, you damn punk?" he asked Sacchan as he looked at her chocolate and examined it carefully. And as soon as he got closer to the said chocolate, he could not help but to cover his nose in order to prevent himself from smelling the bad odor that is being emitted by her chocolates.
"Sensei~ I'm going to give you these chocolates, so please be patient okay~?"
Gintoki grumbled in disgust. "J-Just what the heck is this? Is this… is this natto?!"
Sacchan then revealed the bowl of natto on her hands as she continued on stirring it with her chopsticks. "Sensei, you're such a naughty man! I told you to wait for my chocolates! Now you already know what your special chocolates are~!" She then tried to force-feed Gintoki with the said food. "Gin-san~ you have to take this as pu~nish~ment~!"
"Get the hell off me!" exclaimed Gintoki as he swatted the bowl of natto away from him. Unfortunately, as he swatted it off, it fell over the Shinigami Dayuu's table and Tsukuyo became covered in natto.
Tsukuyo gritted her teeth in anger as she tried to take the natto off of her. "Y-You bastards…" she growled as she seethed in fury. "Just what the hell have you done to me?!"
"T-Tsukuyo, it was an accident, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to—"
"Oh! It seems like divine punishment, Tsukki! You've been covered by natto as a punishment for stealing Gin-san away from me!"
But all of their attempts to ease her anger were in vain as Tsukuyo had already thrown her kunais towards their direction. However, all of those only hit Gintoki.
"Why me?!" screeched Gintoki as he nursed his bleeding head. "Do you have some kind of grudge towards me?!"
Tsukuyo just shrugged him off as she continued to make her Valentine chocolates. On the other hand, Gintoki then removed the kunais one by one until he caught sight of Shimura Tae's predicament.
"Oi, Shimura-kun," he asked as he walked towards her table. "Why aren't you doing anything?"
Otae looked up at him and just faced him with a smile. "Sensei, I don't have any chocolate mold here with me. Is it okay if I just improvise?"
Gintoki wondered for a bit on what she meant by improvising it but shrugged the thought off anyway. "Okay then, suit yourself."
"That's great! Thank you, sensei!" she chirped as she stomped her foot onto the floor, only to reveal her ever-faithful stalker and Shinsengumi Commander, Kondou Isao who now screamed in pain as his balls were being crushed by no other than his crush.
"Aaaaah~! Otae-san! Ai no mama ni wagamama ni, kimi dake wo kizutsukenai—"
Otae stomped her foot on his face. "Damn you! Don't you ever say anything B'z related! I'm gonna kill you, you freakin' gorilla!"
"Love is as selfish as it is, you're the only one I would not hurt, Otae-san!"
Otae just ignored Kondou, despite the fact that she was already furious at him for spouting off the song titles of her favorite band. She then looked at Gintoki.
"Sensei, if I'm going to use this human mold… it's okay, right?"
"There's no friggin' way that would be okay!" exclaimed Shinpachi as he pointed out to the gorilla stalker on the floor. "What do you mean by human mold?! Are you going to use Kondou-san as a chocolate mold?!"
Gintoki just scratched his head in annoyance. "Human molds or gorilla molds… suit yourself. Just don't blame me if your chocolate gets bad after that."
Taking that as an approval, Otae then wasted no more time as she immediately forced the gorilla commander to eat the dark matter (a.k.a. chocolate) that she had just heated a while ago. And as soon as she did that, Kondou Isao had lost consciousness, with his eyes all blank and open.
"Oh my, it seems that Kondou-san loved my chocolates so much that he even fainted from happiness! Though I don't have any more chocolates left! How could I use him as a mold if I don't have enough chocolates?"
"Don't worry, Tae-chan," said Kyuubei from behind as she placed her hand atop Otae's shoulder. "I'll be the one to supply your chocolate."
"Kyuu-chan… thank you. But.. how are you going to do that?"
Faced with that question, Kyuubei just smirked in response as she brought her fingers to her mouth and whistled loudly. And as soon as she did that, a monkey had suddenly appeared on her shoulders.
"Jugem-Jugem Shit-Tossing The Life Of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear Balmunk Fezalion Isaac Schneider 1/3True Love 2/3 Hangnail Anxiety Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark Kaluga Angler Ray Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe All's Well That Ends Well Bichigusomaru will be the one to supply the chocolate. I'm sure he'll be happy to comply with it."
Otae clasped her hands in delight. "That's a great idea, Kyuu-chan! Now we don't have to worry about the supply of chocolates since Jugem-Jugem Shit-Tossing The Life Of Shin-chan's Two-Day-Old Underwear Balmunk Fezalion Isaac Schneider 1/3True Love 2/3 Hangnail Anxiety Betrayal Knows My Name Or Does It Really Ignore Calls Squid Dogfish Halibut Trout-Cod Dogfish This Is a Different Dogfish, I'm Talking About The Dogfish Shark Kaluga Angler Ray Yuuteimiyaoukimukou Pepepepepepepepepepepepe All's Well That Ends Well Bichigusomaru will provide us with an infinite supply!"
"Oiiiiiiiiiiiii! Just what the hell do you mean by that!? Are you planning to use that as a replacement for chocolate?!" exclaimed Shinpachi. "Are you trying to cover this whole room with shit?! And how are we supposed to make chocolates here if shit was all over the place! And what do you mean by that anyway?! Are you going to cover Kondou-san with shit?!"
"That's right!" agreed Gintoki. "I don't care what you do to the gorilla, but don't desecrate my chocolates by that monkey's poop!"
However, despite their complaints, the two women continued on their tracks as they covered Kondou Isao with poop.
Kyuubei then looked at her childhood friend. "Tae-chan, it stinks in here. Do you think that…?"
"Of course it will stink! You've covered Kondou-san with poop!" shrieked Shinpachi.
Otae just tore her gaze away from her dramatically. "I don't know, Kyuu-chan. But if this chocolate was the one that stinks, I think we should just give it to those people who need it really badly."
"What do you mean 'to those people who need it really badly', aneue?! Have you lost your mind?"
Without much of a second thought, the two women then threw the shit-covered Kondou Isao out of the window.
"OIIIIIIIIIIIII! JUST WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH KONDOU-SAN?! DID YOU JUST THROW HIM OUT LIKE GARBAGE? HE'LL DIE! THIS IS THE FIFTH FLOOR! HE'LL DIE IF HE FALLS DOWN THERE!"
Otae just smiled at him. "Don't worry, Shin-chan. Kondou-san had already sunk low. He's already at the lowest of the low."
"No, I don't mean that! I don't mean it that way! I meant it literally! Though it will be both literally and figuratively from the way it is now!"
Shinpachi was about to rant off some more until he noticed that two men had opened the door, much to his surprise. Everyone also stopped on their tracks as they stared at the two.
"Oi, oi.. Just when I thought that this room is a hiding place for those Joui bastards… turns out that only a bunch of idiots are in here."
"Don't worry, Hijikata-san. It seems that they're busy with something. And if you're talking about those Joui bastards, we've got one right here."
"Oh, that's right. I completely forgot about it, Sougo. I forgot that we have the legendary Shiroyasha-sama in this room. My bad, my bad."
Shinpachi gulped in response as soon as he saw the two Shinsengumi right in front of them. With the Shinsengumi's Oni no Fukuchou Hijikata Toushirou and the First Division Captain Okita Sougo in this very room, God knows what would happen. And if Hijikata-san was there and they're making chocolates, then it would only lead to—
"Oi, oi. Hijikata-kun, why the hell are you here?" asked Gintoki, who was obviously annoyed by the current situation. "Did you get invited? I never remembered inviting someone like you! Or did you hear about what we're doing here and you, the lonely guy, just wanted to join us? Oh, so you're like that, huh?"
"Watch your mouth, you damn Yorozuya! We're here to do work! We're unlike you who only wanted to laze off!"
"What the hell do you mean by lazing off? I'm not lazing off! And as you can see, I'm doing my job! You damn tax robbers!"
Gritting his teeth in annoyance, Hijikata then scanned the area—only to find out that the Yorozuya freak was having a chocolate-making class.
"Oh? So the sugar freak in you decided to hold a chocolate-making session? Are you so desperate for chocolates now that you're even holding a class just to get chocolate for Valentines?"
"Gaaaaah! That's why I hate popular men like you! Shooo, shoooo! Someone like you who doesn't even know the importance of sugar is bound to die by the gutter… Scram off! Shooo, shooooo!"
"What the hell do you mean by that, dammit! Are you making fun of me?! You're making fun of me, aren't you?! Well then, I'm going to show you how to make chocolates!"
Gintoki only smirked at this. "Oh really? Do you even know how to do it?"
"Heh, I'll show you," grunted Hijikata. He then took a piece of chocolate from his pocket and opened it. "I'll show you how to eat a chocolate properly. First, all you need to do..." He then grabbed a small yellow bottle from his pocket and squeezed its contents on the chocolate. "…is to top it off with mayonnaise. Everything tastes good with mayonnaise—"
"I knew it!" screamed Shinpachi. "I just knew that this joke is going to be here! I just knew it!"
"Hijikata-san, putting mayonnaise on chocolates would degrade it into garbage," Okita Sougo said as he smirked to himself. "Though I really don't mind if someone like China eats that kind of shit. After all, I cannot fathom that a pig like her would even try to make Valentine chocolates."
"What are you trying to imply there, you damn sadist?!" she exclaimed, glaring daggers at Sougo. "Are you trying to say that my chocolates are gonna be a failure?!"
"I just don't know how you were able to interpret it that way, China."
"Damn you..!"
And amidst all the chaos, no one noticed that another person entered the room on his own. His long, flowing locks of black hair carefully slumped on his back, he then stopped on his tracks and harrumphed in order to get the attention of everyone.
The said man was a long-haired pretty boy who had a serious look on his face. He wore a purple chef's outfit that has a 'P' logo in it, and on his arm was a logo of a dragon with the Kanji for 'super'.
"Attention, everyone. Starting today, I'll be the one in charge here," said the man as he tried to fix the pink hairband that he wore. "I'll be the one in charge of the lessons in here. Using my solar hands, making chocolates would be a piece of—"
"Oi, Zura! Just what the hell are you doing here?! Why are you dressed like that? I don't remember inviting you here!"
"It's not Zura, it's Mister Katsuura! Gintoki, as long as I wore these clothes I would be known by that name and—"
"Just by looking at Zura we know that he's going to be sued for copyright infringement. He looks dumb with those clothes."
"It's not Zura, it's Mister Katsuura! And Leader, we won't be getting sued since Yakitate! Japan is also by Sunrise. And also, the only other series that I've parodied is Oishinbo and—"
"What do you mean by that, Katsura-san? Of course we're going to be sued for copyright infringement!" exclaimed Shinpachi. "Just look at those clothes! They're obviously a rip-off of Pantasia! And what the hell do you mean by solar hands?! And look at that logo! That's the Super Chef logo from Chuuka Ichiban! That's not from Sunrise at all!"
Katsura was flabbergasted upon hearing this. "Oh, but Mister Ajikko is from Sunrise—"
"So that's where the name 'Mister Katsuura' came from! That's old! The readers won't be able to recognize that series anymore!"
"Excuse me, but do I know you? I have a feeling that I've met you before."
Hearing that voice, Shinpachi looked around the area only to find Hijikata talking to no other than the wanted man, Katsura.
Katsura scoffed at this. "No, sir. I'm a Newtype. I just went from G to Wing to SEED and to 00."
And right at that moment, Shinpachi realized just how dumb he was for not realizing that the Shinsengumi were still inside the room and thus, can see Katsura.
"Is that so?" said Hijikata, whom Shinpachi had labeled as an idiot for not realizing that the man they were looking for was right in front of him. "Well then, it's nice to meet you."
Hijikata then reached out his hand for a handshake, and Katsura did the same as well. However, as soon as he did that, his headband was caught on his hand and it fell on the ground.
Upon seeing this, Sougo brought out his bazooka and launched it.
"KATSUUUUUUUUUUUURAAAAAAAA!"
And as the three idiots left the room, everyone who was still inside heaved a sigh of relief. Grumbling to himself, Gintoki then placed his hands inside his pocket and looked at his students with those dead fish-like eyes of his.
"Okay then, now that the nuisances have scrammed off, let us continue our lesson."
Much to Gintoki's surprise, everything went well this time around. Everyone was concentrating on making their chocolates, and even though some weren't that successful, it was still an improvement.
Smiling to himself, he then walked around the room in order to observe the chocolates being made by the girls. His smile got even bigger when he realized just how lucky he was since he'll absolutely gonna receive a lot of choco with the way things are going right now. And he can't be happier with it.
Right at that moment, Gintoki then noticed that there were a set of chocolates which was a whole level better than the chocolates made by the other girls. He then looked on who it was, only to find a blonde kunoichi right in front of him.
He leaned closer to the chocolates. "Oh, I didn't expect you to be this good. These are quite the chocolates."
Tsukuyo was silent and she only tore her gaze away from him. "I-It's nothing. It's just easy, that's all."
"Oh, I see. Well then, I'll be looking forward to eating this tomorrow," he replied, smiling at her. And as soon as Tsukuyo had seen this, she immediately became beet red from embarrassment and looked away.
"Gin-san… just what do you mean by that?"
Hearing that voice, Gintoki turned around only to find Shimura Tae behind him. He gulped in nervousness.
"O-Otae… what do you mean by that? Of course I'll be receiving chocolate from you as well!"
Despite the fact that her menacing aura was permeating throughout the room, Otae continued on smiling at Gintoki. "I see. Well then Gin-san, I cannot wait for tomorrow anymore, so would you like to eat my chocolates?"
And with those words at hand, Otae flashed her chocolate that looked a lot like the infamous dark matter. She then tried to give it to Gintoki.
"Okay Gin-san, say aaaaaah~"
Gintoki gulped to himself. Sweat kept on trickling down his skin and shivers went down his spine. Every bit of his consciousness kept on telling him to avoid that concoction right in front of him, but his body didn't even follow him as it froze in its position, obviously being scared of the Shimura woman's wrath.
"Come on, Gin-san. Don't be shy—"
"STOP THAT AT ONCE, YOU DAMN WOMAN!"
At that moment, Gintoki had never felt that thankful towards his purple-haired stalker. Her appearance was a life saver from Otae's dark matter, indeed.
"Gin-san, forget about that woman's chocolate! For you Gin-san, I'll become your chocolate! I'll be covering myself in chocolate and you're free to eat me as long as you want!"
And as he tried to get away from the two women who kept on forcing to eat their chocolate (or herself, for the latter) he was then caught by Yagyuu Kyuubei by the neck.
"Gintoki, I really don't mind giving you my chocolates, but make sure that you'll eat Tae-chan's chocolate first," she said with a blank look on her face. She then leaned closer towards Gintoki's ear as she whispered something to him.
'If you want, we can trade. I can give you my chocolates in exchange for Tae-chan's chocolates.'
'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! IN THE END YOU JUST WANT OTAE'S CHOCOLATES!'
"Kyuu-chan, good work with that," said Otae as she inched herself closer towards the silver-haired samurai. "I want Gin-san to taste my chocolates first. After all, he's the one who taught us… right, Gin-san?"
Gintoki gulped to himself. He cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. Is this the end?
"Gin-chan, you look like you're enjoying yourself. I heard from Mami that all men get their hopes up during Valentines since they always get the delusion that they're popular. So you wanna score with them, Gin-chan?"
As soon as Gintoki heard this from Kagura, he immediately looked at her and scowled.
"Oiiiiiiiii! It's not like that at all! It's Valentines tomorrow you see, I just wanna have chocolates! I don't really care who it's from and where it is bought, I don't even need love with it—I just want my chocolates! I just want my sugar, dammit!"
And as soon as those words got out of his mouth, he then felt the menacing aura of the girls behind him.
"S-So that's why Gintoki seemed enthusiastic about everything.. You're that desperate, huh?" remarked Kyuubei, as she then called for Bichigusomaru in order to give him punishment.
"G-Gin-san!" exclaimed Otae, her hands covering her mouth. "So that's the reason why you're here in this class? So you really don't care about anything as long as you get the chocolates?!"
Sacchan shook her head furiously in denial. "No, no, no! Please, say that's not true, Gin-san! Surely, you look forward to my chocolates, right, Gin-san?!"
And when Gintoki met Tsukuyo's gaze, she had only given him a disgusted look. She hadn't said a word, but the kunai that found its way on his head was obviously a reply from her.
He then tried to think of why they're like this, and he can only arrive at a single conclusion.
They were all furious, he's certain of it.
He gulped to himself.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!"
XOXOXOX
The moon was shining brightly that night.
Such is the thought of a certain silver-haired man as he stared at the moon from his balcony. He kept on entertaining random thoughts in his head just to forget about the occasion that will happen the next day and yet here he was, staring at the sky and reminiscing about the failure of his supposed epic plan.
Tomorrow is Valentines, and his plan that was supposed to let him receive a lot of chocolates from the women he knew ended up with him receiving nothing. And even after the events earlier that day, he doubted he'll ever receive something from them… though Valentines is still tomorrow, so there's really no telling it.
He had a feeling that tomorrow's going to be like any other day of the year though.
"It ended up as a failure, isn't it?"
Hearing that voice behind him, Gintoki didn't even look back as he knew that Shimura Shinpachi, his accomplice for the earlier events, was just behind him. He then smiled to himself as he stared at the night skies once again.
"Really now. It really ended up as a failure. Just as when I thought that this year would finally change how things are for us."
Gintoki then sighed at this. He wanted to receive chocolates for Valentines, and thus, he concocted a plan. He even managed to make the old hag agree with it, despite the fact that he still owed her some rent. He thought that if he had that chocolate-making session, those girls would be obliged to give him giri chocolates and if it happens that they won't even make the initiative, then all that he's gotta do is to take the chocolates with the excuse of him 'examining' it.
After all, the only thing that mattered to him during Valentines was the chocolate. He needed sugar in order to survive, after all.
Even though… he ended up being backfired by his own plan.
"Gin-san, do you still want tomorrow to come?"
He sighed.
"No way, there's no way I want tomorrow to come." He then grumbled to himself, and leaned himself against the pane.
He then faced Shinpachi with a smirk.
"After all, unpopular guys like us hate Valentine's Day."
XOXOXOX
It was already past midnight in Yoshiwara and even though the streets were still lively even during the dead hours of the night, that certain fact isn't important especially to a small stall named Hino-ya.
Everyone who lived at that house was asleep—except for one blonde woman at the kitchen, who kept on making chocolates secretly by herself.
Tsukuyo didn't know what happened to her, but the only thing she knew was that she should continue on making chocolates for Valentine's Day. She already finished all the giri choco that she was going to distribute for tomorrow… and there was only one chocolate that was left.
This chocolate, much to her surprise, was bigger and more exquisite than the rest of the chocolates. And she had spent a lot of time on it too, that one can tell at first glance that making that kind of chocolate took a lot of work.
She sighed to herself. What was she doing that she even made something like this? It's not like there's something special about that chocolate after all…
She then looked at the chocolate once again. It was a chocolate in the shape of strawberries, with melted red candies serving as its coloring. She didn't know why it ended up like that, though the only thing on her mind when she did that was the fact that he liked sweet stuff… and he also liked strawberries. If he didn't, he wouldn't like strawberry milk, right?
She then leaned against the table and her hand traced the cover of the book that was presented to her by a woman at the stall earlier. That book was all about chocolates, and it really helped her a lot. She then made a mental note to herself to give the book back to the stall owner.
"Aaaah, what the hell am I doing?" she asked herself, sighing. "Why exactly am I doing this kind of thing?"
Brushing off the sweat from her forehead, she then sighed for the umpteenth time. However, never did she know that Hinowa was still awake at that time, as the latter took a peek at the kitchen and saw what she did.
Among the chocolates placed on the table, there was one chocolate that obviously looked like a honmei choco. And even though Tsukuyo herself might not recognize it as such, one glance from it is all that one ever needs in order to find out that fact.
She then smiled to herself.
Since she worked so hard on it, then she would have to do her part as well by asking that certain someone to assist her on distributing the chocolates.
『つづく』
Notes:
3DPD – stands for 3D Pig Disgusting. It's a terminology from the depths of 4ch's /a/ thread and it refers to the real-life girls. Don't ask me why I've placed that term here, I don't know it myself either.
Geta – Japanese wooden sandals
Kunoichi – a female ninja
Koshi Inaba – the vocalist of the two-man rock band, B'z. Anyway, I'm sure you guys know it already but Otae is a HUGE fan of B'z. Maybe Sorachi is a huge fan of this one as well? Remember Taiyou ga Komachi Angel and Bad Communication?
Ai no Mama ni Wagamama ni, Boku wa Kimi Dake wo Kizutsukenai (愛のままにわがままに僕は君だけを傷つけない) – one of B'z most popular singles. Released on 1993. English Translation: Love is as selfish as it is, you're the only one I would not hurt.
Mienai Chikara ~Invisible One~ / Move (ミエナイチカラ ~INVISIBLE ONE~／MOVE) – another B'z single. Released on 1996. I'm sure you know this already, but Mienai Chikara means Invisible Power.
Bad Communication – also one of B'z popular singles. You've heard about it during the Jugem arc, right?
Recochoku Anime Character Survey: Anime Characters I Want to Give Chocolate – What, so you think this is all made up? This is true. Gintoki really topped this poll back in 2011 and 2012. He's really popular you know, he even topped the Anime Characters I Want to Marry poll from the previous years! Look it up on ANN if you want proof!
"I received Valentine chocolates. Thanks for letting me fall into a delusion that old guys are popular too." – This was really said by Sorachi. It's his Jump ToC comment for Lesson 251. Look for it at Cinder's post at Yorozuya Soul if you want proof! (Not the forums, but the main site! But go to the forums as well if you have time! *shot*)
Yakitate! Japan – A shounen manga that ran on Shounen Sunday and was also adapted into an anime by Sunrise. It is a series that focuses on Azuma Kazuma's adventures in order to create "Japan", a national bread for Japan itself. What Zura wore in this fic was no other than the uniform for the Southern Tokyo Branch store, and the pink headband that he wore was his (or my) attempt to cosplay Azuma.
Chuuka Ichiban – Also known as Cooking Master Boy, it is a shounen manga that ran on Shounen Magazine and was also adapted into an anime by Nippon Animation back in 1997. The story focuses on Liu Mao-Hsing as he strives to become the best chef he could ever be. The dragon logo with the Kanji "Super" on it that was on Zura's arm is a logo of the Super Chef status from this series. And you know, Mao is the youngest Super Chef… *shot*
Oishinbo – is a very long-running cooking manga published by Shogakukan. (You should really know what Shogakukan, Shueisha and Kodansha are right now, really..) I won't mention anything else, since Zura only mentioned the title and he didn't parody it here or anything.
Mister Ajikko – a shounen manga that ran on Shounen Magazine and was also adapted into an anime by Sunrise in 1987. Well, it's basically a cooking-battle series about a culinary prodigy named Ajiyoshi Youichi. And as said by Shinpachi in the fic, Zura's "Mister Katsuura" nickname was a parody of the show's title. And you already know why it's Katsuura, right?
Newtype – one of Sorachi's favorite Gundam jokes. A Newtype is theorized to be the next stage of human evolution in the fictional Gundam universe.
"I just went from G to Wing to SEED and to 00." – Some of the popular Gundam series in chronological order. I'm sure you've already heard of G Gundam, Gundam Wing and Gundam Wing Endless Waltz, Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny, as well as Gundam 00, right?
Author's Notes:
Whooooo! That Notes part was super long! Well, I really don't expect everyone to know what I'm referencing about in this fic so I really have to place it there… I'm not missing out on something, am I? And sorry for the late update! Even though I've said that I'll update on Valentines.. Oh well. But don't worry, I'll try my hardest to update within this week! And I'll try my hardest to update Truth within this month! Good luck to me!
And that said, I really miss writing light-hearted stories, since you know, Truth is kinda heavy for me… So I might continue on writing light-hearted fics during Truth's duration! And oh, with that said, I plan on writing a White Day sequel for this starring Gintoki and the rest of the Gintabishies! I hope I'll be able to do it!
Next Chapter: "The Day of Judgment"