"The Dividing Line"
Chapter Four: "The Same"
The silence lingered, pregnant with an outpour of emotions on both sides. Rogue had hung her head, only slightly, but she was still staring at Jean Grey through the visor. Charles hadn't even moved since she had been caught listening. Rogue waited for the inevitable, for Jean to make a move, to reach out with her mind and snuff her out, to break her like a twig.
Nothing happened.
"What happened?" Charles asked, finally.
"Ah just..." Rogue took a deep breath, "Paige came outta nowhere... she touched me. Ah couldn't take it – it was too much just crammed into mah head. And he was there..."
Jean pressed her lips together, into a thin line.
"Who's Paige?" Charles asked.
"Paige Guthrie..." Rogue sighed, and was still for a moment. Then, she sobbed, "Oh Lord, how'm Ah gonna tell Jay... Sam's alright, he can deal, but how am Ah gonna tell Jay?"
Charles rose an eyebrow.
"Ah shoulda paid more attention, ya know." She said, "They said there was a cave-in near Adair. Ah shoulda warned 'em, told 'em to be more careful and now..."
"Who's Sa-" Jean started, but Charles rose his hand and silenced her.
"And who's this fella?" Rogue asked, getting closer to the bed, "He one of them new ones?"
"New ones?" Charles asked.
"They said they was gonna get some more hands soon, probably younger. Heh... Sam said Ah'd check 'em out, maybe get me a boyfriend outta the whole deal – not that Ah was askin for one. So's he one'a them?"
"Yes. Yes he is." Charles said, observing her carefully, "He lost his brother in the mines."
"Dammit, I knew it... just fuckin' knew it. Sensed it. This," Rogue peeled off her glove and pinched her hand, "This is too weak. Too soft." She kept pinching, and then, something went through her. She looked woozy.
"Rogue?" Charles asked.
"Professor..?"
"What is your name?"
"...that a joke?"
"Humor me, please."
"Ah don't remember it. Was the first thing Ah forgot."
"Thankfully." Charles said. He contemplated something for a moment, and then straightened his back, "If you'll both excuse me, I need to see Emma Frost. Jean, will you be alright?"
His expression was a warning. Behave.
Jean cocked her head. I will.
Charles guided his wheelchair out of the room and left Rogue and Jean to the company of each other.
Silence, again. Rogue wasn't afraid to speak, not in the least – she wasn't intimidated by Jean. Never had been. But now, with Scott's unconscious form between them, she felt that if Jean lashed out, she would be well within her right to do so. Jean, for her part, wasn't sure if she should speak. She was afraid of what might come out of her mouth, afraid that she'd let a bit too loose... no matter how powerful Rogue might have been, presently, she was just a powerless mutant who was losing control.
Rogue, feeling the itching in her eyes subside, reached with hesitant hands and took off the visor. When she opened her eyes, the world revealed itself with all of the dull, yet beautiful colors. She leaned over and placed the visors near Scott's hand, and withdrew.
"Okay, there is no right way to do this." Jean said, "And I admit, I'm not in the best state of mind right now, but-"
"Save it." Rogue said, "Ah already know what you're gonna say."
"Do you, now? And what am I going to say?"
"That Ah fucked up. That Ah almost killed him, that this is mah fault, that Ah should just fuck off and leave ya be. In the ballpark yet, Ms. Perfect?"
"Not even close." Jean said, "If it wasn't for Scott, I'd kill you where you stand. Reach into your mind and snap you like a promise – it's not that hard, you know."
"Dare ya." Rogue said, "Double dog-dare ya. Go into mah mind and there ain't no comin out, precious. Ya know how many people're in there? How many people you think ya know, how many people you wouldn't get near if ya knew what was in their souls? More'n you can handle. They'd choke you out. So yeah, be mah guest. C'mon, go in."
Jean appeared to be a bit shaken at this. She tried to keep her resolve, but the mere prospect of actually going into that mess was enough to make her back down. Even from where she stood, she could feel the chaos in Rogue's head: like a congregation of snakes, writhing, slithering.
"Ah losin it." Rogue said, "And Ah'm not just talkin bout mah head. Ah'm losin everything. He's here, because Ah needed somethin –anythin- to ground mahself. Ah was slipping away, and he was there and..." she choked, "Ah never wanted to hurt him. Never. You should know at least that."
Jean sighed. This was harder than she thought.
"You have nothing but love for him." Jean said, choosing to use the Professor's words.
"...yes."
"But it's not just as a friend, is it?" Jean asked, her voice entirely devoid of malice, "Not just as a colleague, or an X-Man."
Rogue bit her lower lip. Why not? She asked herself. Maybe it's time it's properly put into words.
"No. It's not just that. It's never been just that."
"It's not a big secret, you know." Jean said, "Everyone in the Institute knew. I knew."
"How did you know?" Rogue asked, eyeing Jean suspiciously.
"I have eyes." Jean said. She looked a bit... embarrassed. "I... also caught stray thoughts a couple of times. I don't mean to pry," she hastily added, ", and I try to stay out of other people's heads as much as possible, but I can't always control it. I slip up and... well, I slipped. Didn't mean to do it that way."
"Ah guess Ah always thought that if you knew for sure, you'd tell me to fuck off or somethin. Ya know. To stay away from yer fella? Tell me Ah got nothin to give to him, nothin to offer. What would he wanna do with me, anyway..."
"Why would I say any of that?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Rogue, we've had our differences, and we probably always will, but that doesn't mean I'd try to put you down like that. So don't insult me. I'm not that insecure." Jean said, "And besides, the stray thoughts I caught weren't just from you. They were from him, too."
Jean leaned over and started to gently stroke his hair. Rogue almost couldn't watch. It was so simple a move, so basic, and yet...
"I'll admit, I always felt a bit jealous." Jean said, "He was always genuinely interested in you. Even before you were one of us, he was making the case for you. You know, there was this one simulation, right before the field trip that changed things for us, where you were the surprise boss..."
"Ah know about that."
"Did you also know that Scott ended the simulation the moment you appeared?"
"What..?"
"He refused to have you as the enemy. Said it went against trying to befriend you."
"That's very him. Never give up on a lost cause."
"And after you joined us, you had a bit of a persona going on: you showed us one side of you, the rehabilitated anti-social. When you took from any of us, we all dealt with the same telepath paranoia: do you know now? Do you know our darkest secrets, most disgusting desires? Do you know what we think about you, about anyone?"
"Takes some willpower not to puke mah guts out at all the shit that comes with just a touch." Rogue said, "There's just too much shit, even in the supposed 'best of us'."
"But you were honest with him." Jean said, "You were open, you didn't pretend anything. You could just shout at him for two hours on some random thing and he'd take it in stride, because he'd know that it was your nature."
"Much as Ah have one left..."
"Not my point." Jean said, "He liked it. He enjoyed your company, enjoyed your honesty... and though it actually burns to admit it, he enjoyed it a little more than he should have. A little more than most."
Rogue's eyes widened. Is she saying... no. That's just bizarre.
A sly voice reminded her: you touched him. You already know this. You know how he feels.
"Don't take this the wrong way," Jean said, caressing Scott's cheek, "But I've never known him to have a thing for goth girls."
"Gee, thanks."
"But the fact of the matter isn't that he was attracted to you. That goes without saying."
"He can't be..."
"You were there during the power surge. You heard... no, you lived what he said to me. That he knows me better than anyone else ever did or ever will."
Rogue nodded.
"Scott knows me, yes. He has me figured out. But there are parts of me that he will never accept. Some of my choices, some of my inclinations, hell, my ability to control my powers to a reasonable degree... these are things he will never completely deal with. It's not his fault, it really isn't. He just can't. It's contrary to his nature. But he loves me, despite these things."
"How do Ah fit into all this?"
"He sees you as you are. He has a knack for that. Everybody assumes that he's watching them, because they can't see his eyes. It often makes them act in ways they normally wouldn't."
Rogue huffed.
"An' when they do that, he sees what they're tryna hide, what they're really like. Just shows him how dishonest they can be."
Jean nodded.
"And like that, he sees you. Not because you hide, but because you let him see. He knows you, almost as well as he knows me, if not better... and he accepts you, all of you."
Rogue honestly didn't know what to say.
"But I've never doubted that he loved me." Jean said, smiling softly while caressing his cheek with the back of her fingers, "Perks of being a telepath, I suppose... but I also never doubted that he loved you... maybe even more than even he himself knows."
"Ah just-"
"Okay, seriously? I wish you could've had this conversation before we got to this point." Kitty's voice came. She was standing in the doorway with a coffee tray holding three styrofoam cups.
"How long have you been there?" Jean asked.
"I was by the door right around the simulation bit." Kitty said, "The coffee got a little cold, though. Hey, Rogue."
"Hello."
"Missed you. Miss you."
"Ah know. Ah missed-"
"Why don't you bring Kurt, too?" Jean asked.
"I'm dying to find out how much more of that conversation you can squeeze in." Kitty said with a wide grin, "But, sure, I'm game. Ready? Go!"
Kitty turned and slowly exited the room. Rogue and Jean found themselves staring at each other, minds racing, trying to find out what they could say. They ended up not saying anything, just meekly smiling at one another, knowing that they had reached an understanding.
With a resounding BAMF, Kurt and Kitty appeared in the room, bringing with them the smell of sulfur. Kurt took a look at Jean and Rogue, and smiled.
"So I guess it didn't come to cat claws."
"Cat claws?" Kitty asked.
"Catfight?" Kurt suggested.
Rogue couldn't help but laugh a little. It sounded so wrong to her ears, so off-key and ugly a sound.
"So, what now?" Kitty asked.
Jean shrugged.
"I think we should wait for the professor to contact us." She said, "Or for Scott to wake up."
They passed the time by entertaining Rogue with stories she had missed, daily mishaps and antics that she had once been surrounded by. The vacation of the Brotherhood house – Lance's last stand against a determined Kitty right on his doorstep. He had, Kitty said, put up a good fight, but it hadn't taken much to convince him to come to the mansion, and even then, his condition had been that he wouldn't wear one of those stupid uniforms. He wouldn't be an X-Man.
Kurt, for his part, was still with Amanda, but trying to keep it going behind her parent's backs was a chore. He told Rogue of a few close calls he had had, and every time, he had ported blindly just to avoid getting caught. One time, he said, he had ported straight onto the garbage can right in front of her house, and the second port had taken him into the living room of the house right across the street.
Jean, bringing the mood to a more somber point, told her about the Professor's rage at what had happened. Not just his life's work disappearing, but Scott just flat out leaving the Institute without a second thought. He had spent the rest of that night shouting at Dr. McCoy, and afterwards, had disappeared completely. He had been absent for days, all of which he had spent in his room, frantically trying to reconstruct the Xavier Files database from his hand-written notes, audio recordings and his memory. When it was over, he had drilled them all relentlessly, constantly citing the fact that they were down two X-Men (three, if you counted Logan, who hadn't yet returned after leaving with Scott and Rogue), one of which had been the team leader. Bobby had tried out for Scott's position, of course, but it was a done deal: naturally, the spot had been filled up by Jean.
Of course, Jean added, Emma Frost had kept the Professor posted on the activities of his missing X-Men.
Rogue sat there, listening, reacting every once in a while, but simply taking it all in. It helped, hearing about it all: her life in the Mansion belonged to a fair amount of echoes, too, but they were, mercifully, generous in letting her feel that this was where she had been. This had been the Rogue's life, before that urge to go down to the lower levels, before the instinctive rush towards the Xavier Files. Part of her missed it. Part of her despised the very idea. Parts of her couldn't think of anywhere else to belong, and other parts, well, they belonged everywhere else.
And all of the others, not known for their polite silence, had their own opinions, as well.
In the middle of a mellow discussion regarding the constantly-juggled Registration Act, the Professor's telepathic message entered their minds, fading in through a sudden surge of low, white noise.
Everyone, may I please have your attention?
The conversation stopped in an instant.
I didn't want it to come to this, but Ms. Frost and I have agreed to a solution. I need you all to come to the top floor of the library tower.
"Ugh..."
All the attention in the room turned to Scott. He was trying to sit up, failing miserably, and trying to tolerate his creeping nausea long enough to actually speak.
"Kurt, you stay with him." Jean said.
"Vhy me!?"
"Because you can get there the fastest if need be." Jean said.
"Okay." Kurt said, "See ya."
Jean left, followed by Rogue and Kitty. Kurt leapt to the railing on the side of Squall's bed and perched there, his tail swishing back and forth lazily as Scott tried to come to his senses. He opened his mouth to speak, choked, swallowed hard and said,
"Rogue..?"
"I am not zhat pretty, mein freund." Kurt said, smiling.
Scott caught the scent of perfume, thinning, lingering. It immediately triggered his memory and flashed a thousand stray images in a split second.
"Was Jean here..?"
"And Kitty." Kurt said, "You just missed them."