JAKE

To be honest, I've never been much for love stories. They're usually pretty sappy and boring, not to mention lame as hell. If my life were a movie, I'd prefer if it were an action movie with guns, and explosions, and possibly aliens. I'd have a machete and a fighter jet… Yeah, that would be pretty sick. Unfortunately, it turns out you don't get to choose your own plot for your life.

So here's the story of how my life got totally fucked up.

My name's Jake Lionel. I'm a junior at Verona University, running back on the football team, a history major, and, most importantly, a Mu Tau Gamma. I pledged freshman year because I was on the football team and a bunch of guys told me they thought I should go out for rush. It's pretty exclusive, but whatever. It's the best frat at Verona University, you can ask anyone. We throw the best parties on campus and we win Greek Week, like, every year (well, we won last year, anyways). Those fuckers at Kappa Upsilon might try to tell people otherwise, but everyone knows we're totally better than them at just about everything. There are thirteen fraternities and ten sororities at Verona, but the only frat that comes even close to matching us is Kappa Upsilon. The riff between MTG and Kappa has been around for as long as anyone can remember. Nobody really knows how the whole thing started. The most popular story goes that one of the Kappa's pledges stole our president's girlfriend, but I've heard lots of variations, like that it wasn't a pledge, it was their president, or that he didn't steal anyone's girlfriend, he burned the house down, or got a bunch of people expelled, and even that a whole group of Kappa's killed some guy's father in a prank war gone wrong. My buddy Tyrone, is like a legacy or some shit, and his dad, uncles, and grandpa all say that the rivalry was alive and well back when they were at school too, and that they too have no idea how it started. What's for sure is that the Kappa's wronged our house a long time ago and we have not forgiven them. And it's not like we're holding a grudge either; they continue to fuck with us regularly. Last year a bunch of seniors stole our letters, spray painted dicks on them, and set them floating into the lake in some sort of flaming raft, like a Viking funeral pyre.

Anyways, it started on Halloween. Mu Tau Gamma has this huge costume party every year and it's always sick as hell. We'd been planning it for months, and it was supposed to be really epic this year, like our best yet. The Halloween bash the year before was named party of the year by the student newspaper, so we had a legacy to uphold. Everyone was coming. Well, not everyone. Those fucking assholes from Kappa Upsilon were definitely not invited.

"Wait bro did you pick up those kegs?" my friend Nurse asked, jolting me out of a daydream.

Sam Gonzales has been my best friend since tenth grade English class, when he let me copy off his homework every day. We call him Nurse because he's been wanting to be a doctor since I met him (he's pre-med now) and he can be such a mom sometimes. You can find him at parties patching up freshmen when they get into fights and making sure no one chokes to death on their own puke.

I took a headphone out and put down the barbell I was holding. We have a pretty sweet gym in the house, which is good because it means I can lift without even going out. "What'd you say bro?"

"I asked if you picked up those kegs," he repeated.

I shook my head. "Nah, man, Monty's doing it. Cause he has a better fake ID"

"Probably because his is a real ID, dipshit," Nurse said, rolling his eyes.

I shrugged. "Whatever, could you spot me, bro?"

"Sure, man." He got up and walked over to the bench press. "You know Paris is coming to the party tonight, right?"

"Yep," I said in a flat voice.

"You gonna hook up with her?"

I sighed. "I dunno, man. Maybe."

Paris was sort of my girlfriend, as in, we hooked up at parties sometimes. All my bros thought I should make it official, but I seriously didn't want to. I mean, she was totally hot, but I didn't really like her. She's kind of a bitch to everyone and she wouldn't leave me alone, even though I'd been hinting to her that I didn't really want to be her boyfriend for, like, ever. Also I was… not attracted to her. Like at all. But that part's a problem for another time. I didn't let myself dwell on that particular issue.

"You should, bro," he said. "She's super hot."

"I know". Everyone knew. She was incredibly gorgeous.

"You know who else is hot?" Nurse asked. "Your cousin. She's coming tonight, right?"

"Rosie'll be there," I said. Nurse (and everyone else) has a thing for my cousin. She's a sophomore and she's just as pretty as Paris, but also really nice. Like really nice. Like she volunteers at the animal shelter and tutors ESL kids and bakes, like, snicker doodles. That kind of nice. And unfortunately for every male at VU, she has absolutely no interest in dating.

"Nice," Nurse said with a smile. "I gotta go, man. You've totally got to get with Paris tonight though. I mean you're wearing coordinating costumes. And you know Monty wants you two to get together. You're practically dating at this point."

"The costume wasn't my idea!" I called after him. Paris basically forced me to dress up with her. She bought me a costume and everything. Gladiator. She said it was perfect because we're both hot and this costume involved minimal clothing. I figured if I got drunk enough, maybe I wouldn't mind her hanging all over me quite as much. Lord knows I wasn't going into this bullshit night remotely sober.

RYAN

"Dude I'm pretty sure this is a bad idea," Benji worried, pulling on a Frankenstein mask.

Mark rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Benji."

"They'll beat the shit out of us if they find out we're Kappas."

I punched him in the arm. "Does 'shut up' mean nothing to you, bro?"

"C'mon man you hardly know this girl and you know if they catch us they will kick our asses. Plus, you have an unhealthy obsession. Do you even like her or do you just like the idea of dating her?"

"I do so like her." It was a lie. I didn't like her. Not like that, anyways. But I also knew that if I didn't get a girlfriend soon, people would start suspecting something, and I couldn't have that.

"Nah dude he just wants to bone her," Mark laughed.

My name's Ryan O'Neil. I'm the social coordinator for my fraternity, Kappa Upsilon, and probably next in line to be the president. Kappa Upsilon is the best fraternity at Verona University, and everybody knows it. There are twenty-three fraternities and sororities total at VU, but Kappa is the best by far. We basically win Greek Week every year (except last year) and we throw the best parties on campus (the only reason our St. Patrick's day party got second in that dumbass newspaper poll is because Tyrone Baltimore is fucking the editor). Our rival house is definitely Mu Tau Gamma, because they're all meatheads and assholes and we've hated each other ever since one of their pledges burned down the Kappa house, like, forever ago. And tonight, Benji and I are sneaking into their Halloween party to see Rosie Lionel.

Rosie seemed like a safe pick for a prospective girlfriend. She's in my math class and she smells like cinnamon and is really nice. The only real problems about me dating her are a) she doesn't really know me that well and b) I'm gay. My stepsister says that I should man up and tell people about it already, but I'm waiting until I graduate so it doesn't jeopardize my future presidency at Kappa. She rolled her eyes when I told her that.

My stepsister Felicity and I are pretty close. Our parents got married when we were thirteen and we've been tight ever since. She is exactly two months older than me but about half a foot shorter, which is saying a lot because I'm pretty average sized. She thinks the whole Greek system is stupid, which is why she lives in the Wells house with a bunch of other Chinese kids. Felicity is also the only one I've told about the whole latent homosexuality thing. Well, I didn't really tell her. We were seventeen and in the car and she just goes "I know about you" in this ominous voice. So I nearly drove the car off the road and long story short she did in fact know, which was actually kind of a relief because it was seriously shitty not being able to mention that to anyone. She wants me to tell our parents but they always make such a big deal out of everything. To ensure they don't, like, throw a party or something, I'm waiting until literally everyone else is aware so my parents can hear it from someone else. Felicity thinks email would be more practical and equally impersonal, but I don't want to risk it.

"Why do you get to be the ninja?" Benji whined. "The Frankenstein mask smells weird and it covers my whole head, while yours is just like a blindfold with eye holes."

"You're a ginger," I told him, looking out the car window to determine our best point of entry into the house. "People might recognize you."

"I get to be Darth Vader, because I called it, Benj-alicious," Mark said. "And Ryan's a ninja so he can get into girls' pants undetected."

"That's not even good, Mark." He was one of my best friends, but man was he an idiot. "Maybe we shouldn't go."

"Why not?" Benji asked.

Because I was a raging homosexual. "I had, uh, a dream where we got caught."

Mark grinned. "Dude that just reminded me; I had the sickest dream last night. There was this fairy or whatever and she was, like, a total babe. So then, she takes off her top and-"

"Nobody cares, dude," I interrupted

"Shut up, guys," Benji said, throwing open the car door. "The coast is clear; let's go."

We tried to act casual as we entered the MTG house with a group of sophomores, but Benji really sucks at acting and he gets all gross and sweaty and weird, so we kind of just kept our heads down and speed walked into the crowd. Benji, Mark, and I had agreed before that it would be best if we split up so we didn't draw attention to ourselves, so they weren't offended when I lost them in the crowd almost immediately. At least I don't think they were; it was hard to tell with the masks.

As much as it pains me to admit it, it was a pretty sweet party. The DJ was pretty good, there was an open bar, and everyone was dressed up and dancing and having a good time. After a bit of searching, I found Rosie sitting on a couch with some of her friends, looking perfect as usual in a fairy costume. I kept trying to walk towards her but my legs weren't really into that, so instead I walked to the makeshift bar set up on a folding table at the foot of the stairs. I figured that after a few shots I could work up the courage to at the very least get her number.

"You got any tequila?" I asked the guy sitting next to the table.

"Dude I'm not the bartender," the guy said. "I'm just hiding from a girl."

He was dressed as a gladiator and looked really, really hot. I mean he was seriously ripped, which you could see because he was wearing only a breastplate over his spectacularly toned chest and abs. Honestly, it was really inconsiderate for him to look like that when there were closeted gay guys around. I mean the nerve.

I sighed. "Could you point me to the tequila or not?"

"Dunno about tequila, bro, but this shit's really great," he said, motioning to the punch. "I've been drinking that stuff all night and I feel fucking awesome."

"I'm sure you do," I said, noting his obvious intoxication. "What's in it?"

"No clue," he laughed. "Pineapple maybe?"

"I'll try it," I shrugged.

He grinned as he poured me a tall glass of something purple. "Drink up, pretty boy."

And after about three of those, things start to go a little fuzzy.