Chapter 21

Note: I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. Please don't kill me!

He lay there, in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The Firefly marathon hadn't been a complete bust. She had commented a few times about how much the Captain looked like him, even if she had called the character a "slightly cuter" version of him. It was 10 years ago! Of course he'd aged a bit since then. Oh well, this wasnt the time to worry about his own wounded ego. She did say that she really enjoyed the show and couldn't believe any network would be dumb enough to cancel it, so that made him feel a little better. Sadly though, she still didn't seem to be remembering herself or him.

It had taken some work, but she had convinced him to come to bed with her. He knew it hurt her when he refused her advances, but there were some lines he just would not cross. So now, he lay here, in the dark, staring at the ceiling, but only seeing the hurt in her eyes as he had pulled away from her, as she had tried to kiss him. He had placed a quick kiss on her cheek as he rolled away from her, telling her he was tired. It was a good 20 minutes that he had laid there, heart breaking, as he listened to her quiet sobs, until her breathing evened out, as she cried herself to sleep. God how he hated hurting her. He kept telling himself that he was doing what was best for her, but it was so hard to believe himself, with the sounds of her heart breaking filling his ears.

He glanced at the glaring red numbers of the alarm clock, mocking him from across the room. 3:30, his alarm would be going off in just two short hours, to prepare for "Dr Burke's" arrival. He rolled on his side and watched her sleep. She must be dreaming, he thought, as she wrinkled her nose in her sleep. He saw a slight smile form on her lips, and it eased some of the guilt, knowing at least that the pain he had caused her hadn't made it's way into her dreams. He wondered what she would tell Dr Burke about them. Would she confide to him that things had changed in their relationship? That she felt she was losing him? That he was pulling away? What advice would he give her?

He glanced at the clock again, 4:45. He sighed, as he gave up on the idea of sleep and reached over and turned off the alarm. No reason she couldn't get a little extra sleep.

He stood staring out the window, warm mug of coffee in his hand. It was a few minutes before he had remember that the crew had

built that window, and that he was actually watching a video of a busy New York street. Those guys really put their all into this.

He suddenly felt a pair of slender arms circle his waist as she leaned into his back.

"Everything ok?" She asked as she buried her face in the back of his shirt.

"Yeah, fine. Why?" He asked, turning around and putting his arms around her.

"You just seem so distant lately. Like something is bothering you." She looked up into his eyes, wishing she would see the sparkling blue, that she always got lost in, instead of this blue gray laced with sadness that he seemed to have these days.

"You were hurt, that bothers me. Your pain has always bothered me." He gave her a slight smile as he rested his head on top of hers.

He was telling her the truth. Listening to her cry last night had broke his heart. No matter who or what she thought she was, she was still his friend. He wanted to protect her, to make this better, to make her better. It killed him that it was him that caused her tears. He knew that her accident wasnt his fault, that he didn't cause her injury, but that didn't change the fact that his choice to respect what she would want, even if she didn't know it's what she wanted, was causing her such heartache.

She took his hand and led him to the couch. They sat facing each other, his hands still in hers, as he stared at the floor.

"Castle, look at me, please." Her voice was soft and kind, but just a little bit pleading. She needed him to understand.

He looked up into her gorgeous green eyes and saw so much love reflected back that it put a lump in his throat.

"Castle, I'm ok." She took a deep breath and stared at their hands, still intertwined. "Sure, I got a concussion, and yes I still don't remember anything about the accident, but in the big scheme of things, memories of a half hour of my life is something I can live without." She looked up into his eyes. "You, however, are not."

He looked into her eyes, tears forming in his own. Here was a woman, totally in love with him, or more accurately, who she thought he was. How could he do the right thing without crushing her. He knew that when this was all over, they would all have a big laugh, her especially, at how she had tortured him, but right here, right now, this was anything but funny.

He bowed his head. "I don't know what to say."

She touched her finger under his chin, lifting his eyes to hers. "Say you still love me," she whispered, as she brushed her lips lightly across his.

He pulled back, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Always," he whispered. Thinking of how much he truly cared about his friend. "That's why I need to go."

He slowly released her hands as he headed for the door. He turned around to see her still sitting there, tears streaming down her face, staring at the spot where he had just sat.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, as he walked out the door.

Note: So, what do you guys think? Are you supposed to cry while you're writing? Wow! That was tough, but it needed to be done. Don't worry, things will be ok. I think...