Chapter 29
She pulled away from him, staring into his eyes.
"Seriously, Castle! That's where you want to start? The most traumatic event of my life!"
"Please, Kate, try to relax."
"Relax! Castle, I'm apparently suffering some sort of psychotic episode, and you want to make me relive the one moment that changed my life forever? The one moment that I have, up until just recently, let define every aspect of my life, to define who I am." She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. What the hell was he thinking?
"Kate, please." He put his arms around her, thankful when she didn't push him away. "That's exactly why I want to start there, because it has defined you and drove you for so long, that it is a huge part of who Kate Beckett is. If you want to descover the real you, I think that's the best place to start."
She had to admit that he had a point. It didn't make it any easier to talk about, but she understood why it needed to be done.
He moved to sit up and face her. She put a hand to his chest, holding him back. "Please, can we do it like this?" She leaned back against him, curling into his side once more.
He couldn't see her face, but he understood. She needed the closeness, the comfort of his body, as well as the security it gave her, not having to look him in the eye. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, he knew that, but there was just something about letting him look into her eyes, and see her so vulnerable, that still scared her.
"Sure, like this is fine," he said, holding her just a bit tighter.
"Why don't you tell me what you remember."
She talked and talked, reliving every painful moment, from the moment Detective Raglan broke the news, to the day she had to save Bracken's life. She relived memories of the storyline that he had long forgotten. How deeply she lived with her character amazed him. She truly was amazing at her job. There was no doubt in his mind, that as an actress, she was as dedicated and driven as Kathrine Beckett was at being a detective.
"So that's about it," she finally said. "That's all I remember."
"Sounds like you remember every detail of every minute of it."
She turned her head into his chest, and he could feel her tears soak into the front of his shirt. "When something like that happens, you never forget."
"I can't even imagine," he said, as he stroked her hair.
It seemed like his plan had backfired. Not only did she not discover any inconsistencies, but he had just spent an entire afternoon forcing her to relive an unbelievable trauma, that she had never even experienced. Just as he was starting to feel like a colossal jerk, for the umpteenth time this week, he had an idea.
"Hey Kate," he said.
"Yeah," she looked up at him.
"Tell me about your mom before she died. Tell me about your childhood."
She sat there for a moment, eyes closed in concentration, like she was trying to see visions of her childhood play out in her mind. As she sat there, he watched her as her face changed. She looked up at him, fear and tears in her eyes.
"I can't, Castle. I just can't."
"It's ok, you're safe, you can tell me. I never got to meet her. I'm just curious what she was like."
"It's not that, Castle. I can't tell you," she sobbed,"I can't tell you, because I can't remember her. I can't remember my childhood at all. Everything before her murder is blank."