Related episode: 3.2 In Name and Blood

Farewell Symphony-composed by Joseph Haydn for his patron, the last movement of the piece instructs each musician to stop playing in turn and actually leave the music hall as part of the performance

I checked my watch again, noting that I had been waiting outside of school for a full hour. I had called Dad and left him four messages on his voice mail. I had sent him fifteen texts, asking where he was. No response.

I hadn't heard from Dad during the day, so either Hotch hadn't found him like he had promised or Dad just hadn't called me. Sadly, I knew the former was much less likely than the other.

Mark and Liz had both gone home already. I had missed the school bus and the next public bus wouldn't come for another half hour. I was effectively out of options, save one.

Leo's Car Shop was located ten blocks north of school and another three to the east. I hiked out there, still carrying my back pack and suitcase, thankful that it wasn't too cold or raining. I made it there within twenty minutes and walked in the front door. No one was behind the counter, so I left my suitcase in a corner and headed for the garage.

Leo's has four car ports, two of which were currently in use on the ground and one that was raised up. I spotted Michael underneath the closest car on the ground. He had coveralls over his clothes and rolled out from under the car when I nudged his leg with my foot.

"Rachel?" He looked utterly shocked to see me. Fair enough, I was surprised myself. "What are you doing here?"

"Dad never showed," I answered.

Michael got to his feet and grabbed a nearby cloth to begin wiping his hands of grease. While he did that, he checked his own watch for the time.

"Have you heard from him?"

"Nothing. I've been calling and texting for the past hour."

Michael frowned then walked me back to the customer waiting room and through another door to what I assumed was the employee break room or something like it. I collapsed on the beat up couch, closing my eyes against tears.

"I don't know what to do," I admitted.

"What about the other people on your dad's team?" Michael asked, sitting next to me.

"If I can't reach Dad, why would I be able to reach one of them?"

"You're assuming your dad is with them," Michael pointed out.

I sighed and lifted my head. "Point."

I pulled out my phone again, dialing Reid. If Hotch had gone and left the team, then talking with him wouldn't accomplish anything. When Reid didn't pick up, I left him a voice mail, asking if he'd seen or heard from Dad today. My second call to Garcia finally got me a living person.

"What's the story, morning glory?"

"I don't know where Dad is," I blurted out. "I haven't heard back from him all day, he didn't pick me up like he was supposed to."

"Where are you now?" Garcia demanded.

I looked at Michael, sitting in silence next to me. "I'm with a friend. Should I go back to the apartment?"

"Not alone. Can you stay with this friend tonight?"

Michael, able to hear, shook his head. Considering he never wanted me over in case we bumped into his father, I knew that would be the answer anyway.

"No," I said.

"All right. The team—what's left of it—is in Milwaukee right now and I can't get away. I'm calling Hotch to tell him what's going on. Hopefully, you can stay with him until we get this figured out. Okay, chickadee? Now, I'm reading your phone at 2342 West Meyer Road, is that right?"

"Yeah."

"Stay where you are until Hotch or Haley comes to get you, okay? We'll work this out, I promise."

I hung up and slipped my phone back into my pocket. Michael and I were silent until he leaned over and bumped my shoulder with his.

"Maybe your dad just lost track of the days," he suggested, half-heartedly. "You know, thinks it's Saturday instead of Monday."

We both knew that was unlikely and I let out a quick burst of laughter at the thought. Then I kept laughing until I transitioned into mild hysterics. Michael wrapped an arm around my shoulders and held me close until they died down.

"I'm really scared," I whispered.

"They'll find him," Michael reassured me.

"But why did he disappear? How could he do this to me?"

"I don't know."

There was nothing else to do or say, so we sat and waited in silence until I saw Haley's car pull up. Michael carried my suitcase for me, promising to see me the next day in school. I thanked him, shallow as the words were for what he did for me.

Haley herself was tense in the driver's seat with Jack bouncing in his car seat in the back at seeing me again. Haley was so off, that aside from asking how I was, she didn't say anything else as she drove back to her house.

"I'm sorry," I apologized quietly. I felt like even more of a burden now. Haley had her own son to take care of and I was turning out to be more complicated and needy day by day.

Haley glanced over at me quickly. "You have nothing to apologize for," she told me sternly. "What is happening right now is not your fault."

The way she said it made me think she was deliberately not saying whose fault she thought it was. Considering I was blaming Dad quite strongly, I couldn't blame her.

At the house, Haley unloaded Jack while I grabbed my stuff, entering the front door again because I had to, not because I wanted to. With Haley just as quiet as I was, even Jack got a little cranky. Haley decided on an early dinner of chicken nuggets for the boy and salads for us, with an early bedtime for Jack soon after.

"Is Hotch still at the office?" I asked after Jack had gone to bed and Haley and I were sitting in the family room.

"He's in Milwaukee," Haley ground out.

I frowned. "I thought he was quitting the BAU."

If Haley was surprised I knew that, she didn't show it and focused on her anger instead. "He said he was. He says he still will. But he won't."

"Is that such a bad thing?" I asked, still confused. Was Haley the real reason Hotch was leaving the team? I had thought she was supportive of him and the job.

"Why would he want this job when he can transfer to a post that would allow him to come home every night?" Haley asked somewhat rhetorically. "It never stops. He's never here when I need him to be."

At that point, I don't think it mattered that I was there or not. Haley was just venting and I just happened to be present. After several minutes though, Haley did seem to remember that I was there.

"Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear all that." She sighed. "I think I might call my sister. You have your own worries right now."

I nodded and went back to my guest bedroom which after two full weeks felt almost as familiar as my room at Dad's. I tried to focus on my homework, but my attention kept wandering. I was scared, worried, confused. I felt alone and abandoned. And on top of all that, I was really missing my cat.

Haley's mood hadn't improved by morning and neither had mine. We decided to leave my suitcase and things at the house until my situation was worked out. At times, I couldn't believe that I had no idea where I was going to be sleeping the next night. I could still be with the Hotchners, Dad could suddenly show up out of the blue, or I couldn't even think of anything else.

Just about everyone knew something was wrong with me that day during school, but no one approached me about it. Mark just asked if I was having a bad day, thinking it had to do with Mom's death. Not that that pain ever went away, so I let him believe that was the reason. Only Michael knew the truth and he watched me all day, offering his silent support.

Having no update from anyone, I caught one of the school buses to Hotch's neighborhood. And as if my life wasn't complicated enough, I got another surprise. There were suitcases in the front hall when I walked in. Mine wasn't among them so I knew I wasn't being kicked out. Instead, I saw what had to be bags of Haley and Jack's things, piled and ready to go.

Haley found me standing in shock.

"Rachel."

"You're leaving him," I said emotionlessly.

Maybe it wasn't my place to comment, but I couldn't help it. And Haley did answer me.

"We're going to stay with my sister and her family. Aaron will be back tonight and he should have word on your father. But I can't stay any more, not when he always places his job before his family."

"You honestly think that's what he's doing?" I asked. "I thought that you were okay with his job."

"Not any more."

"This will kill him," I told her. I thought of how my mother had always insisted that I know my father and spend time with him. Granted, I wasn't such a fan of my dad lately, but still.

"It will kill me. I can't wait for Aaron to turn into your father."

It felt like a physical blow, as if Haley had slapped me across my face. I staggered and sat down hard on the stairs, absolutely stunned.

Haley was instantly apologetic. "Rachel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

I buried my face in my hands. "I'm fine," I mumbled. "It's fine."

"Rachel…"

"It's okay."

"No, I should—"

I shook my head. "No. You should go, I'll be all right."

Haley didn't ask for my help, loading the bags into her car, and I didn't offer. I sat with Jack in my lap as she went back and forth until nothing else was left to take. We traded subdued "good byes" and I watched her drive away, leaving me alone in their house.

I forced myself to concentrate on my homework as I was now behind and to distract myself. It only barely worked, but I managed to do it. Then, there was nothing left for me to do except wait for Hotch. I skipped dinner, having no appetite, and tried watching TV.

Around seven o'clock, I heard the front door open and close. I listened to Hotch's footsteps as he walked around the ground level of the house, probably noting where items were missing.

"Haley?"

I turned the TV off and waited for Hotch to find me, which he did about a minute later. I don't know what he saw on my face, but I could tell he figured something out just by looking at me. He came and sat down next to me on the couch and we both sat in silence for almost ten minutes.

"She's gone."

It was kind of half way between a question and a statement. Like when you truly do know the answer, but you ask anyway, either to hear it confirmed or denied. Hotch kind of sounded like he expected it, too. I really had no idea how to answer him.

"Yeah." It was really all I could say. And I had a question-statement of my own. "He's not coming back."

Hotch hesitated just as I had. And he answered me just as honestly and simply as I had. "I don't think so."

I had never really thought of Hotch and I having a lot in common. Besides the obvious gender and age differences, we were on the opposite side of the parent/child relationship. Sure, I could kind of keep up talking about profiling and Hotch knew about musicals, but that had been about it.

And in a single day, that changed. There we sat, each abandoned by the person we least expected and most needed. Only, I had never expected my dad to actually leave without saying anything to me. Let alone leave me less than six months after my mom was killed. I still couldn't wrap my head around it.

Hotch got up and headed for the kitchen. Moments later, he was back, holding a glass of amber colored liquid in one hand and a bottle of root beer in the other. I caught a whiff of his drink; I didn't know what it was, but it was strong. I drank half the root beer in one go, swallowing reflexively.

"What happens now?" I asked quietly.

Hotch sipped from his glass. "Reid went to your father's cabin," he said. "To see if…if he's still there or if he left anything."

I could tell there was something Hotch was thinking that he wasn't telling me. But maybe he was also thinking about Haley and Jack, so I didn't press the issue. So I nodded my understanding and tried not to chug the last of my soda.

A couple of hours later, when Hotch caught me nodding off, he sent me off to sleep. I crawled into bed and slept sporadically throughout the night. My dreams when I did sleep were not pleasant. I dreamed I was back at my home, watching Frank butcher my mom. This time, Dad did burst in to the save the day, only to be cut down as well. I dreamed of walking through the school at night when no one else was there, my steps echoing in the still hallways. I dreamed of Mark kissing me only to reach into my chest and pull out my still beating heart.

Finally, I just stayed awake and watched the sun rise. The house was deadly quiet, like the school in my dream. I dressed for the day in black jeans, a black tank top, and a gray sweater. Dressing to fit my mood, definitely. I found Hotch downstairs, already drinking a cup of coffee and dressed in his customary suit and tie.

Hotch looked up and eyed me critically. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Not really," I said. After two weeks, I knew the kitchen lay out well enough to grab a mug and the hot chocolate. I put water in the kettle to boil and dumped two packets of chocolate powder into the mug. The hot chocolate version of a double shot.

"Reid called me last night," Hotch said when I sat down.

"Dad wasn't at the cabin," I guessed, fairly certain of the answer.

Hotch shook his head. "He left letters. One for you, one for Reid."

Well, I always figured Dad saw Reid like his own son. I wondered if my half-brother Stephen got a letter, too. On that subject, I couldn't be sure.

"I called your school and explained the situation to your principal," Hotch continued. "You'll be coming into the office with me today and we'll see if we can't—sort this out."

"Like where I'll be sleeping tonight?" I asked bitterly.

Hotch waited until I looked up and met his eyes.

"You'll stay with me until we know for sure what's going to happen," he told me firmly. "I'll have Garcia start calling your brothers and other relatives when she gets in this morning."

"I won't be a burden," I snapped. "You have your own problems, you don't need to take care of me."

Hotch stared me down. "You are not a burden. And I won't turn you out when you have no place to go despite my own situation."

It took me a while before I realized what was going on. Hotch was the leader of the team, he took care of the others in addition to leading them. With Dad gone, I was now Hotch's to protect, and with Haley and Jack gone, I was a distraction and a fill-in for those protective instincts.

We didn't have a lot of conversation after that. Hotch drove us to the BAU, stopping at the front desk for my visitor's pass. We were early enough that only half the bull pen was full. Out of the team, only Reid was there. He looked close to how I felt, crushed and numb at the same time.

"Let's take this to my office," Hotch said, glancing around at the other people. Reid and I followed silently, though Reid did reach out and grab my hand. It was so unexpected, but so right, I held on and squeezed tightly.

As soon as Hotch closed the door behind us, he asked, "What did you find?"

I sank down into one of the chairs while Reid sat in the other and Hotch took his seat behind his desk.

"The cabin itself was cleaned out except for furniture," Reid began. "Gideon's gun and badge were on the kitchen table along with the letters."

Reid reached into his leather messenger bag and took out two simple, white envelopes. I recognized Dad's scrawled penmanship, with "Spencer" written on the envelope that was already opened, and "Rachel" on the still sealed envelope. Reid handed the second over to me, but I didn't open it right away.

"Basically, he told me that he's lost his center and believes that he can't do the job any more," Reid summed up. He glanced at me quickly before turning back to Hotch. "I don't know why he left though."

Holding my letter in my hands, I wondered what Dad had left for me. Maybe he even answered that question but I still couldn't bring myself to read it just yet.

"I don't think we would find him, but I'll ask Garcia to try," Hotch said. "In the meanwhile, I'll contact Rachel's brothers to inform them of what is happening."

"I don't want to move," I said quietly. "Scott won't want anything to do with me anyway. Alan is back in Africa, and I don't want to move to San Francisco with John."

"You might not have a choice," Hotch told me gently.

I held back tears through sheer force of will. I just couldn't imagine having to move across the country and try to fit into a new school on top of all this other emotional crap.

Hotch turned back to Reid. "When the rest of the team gets in this morning, I'll call them up to tell them about Jason." He checked his watch. "Garcia should be in any minute. I'll head to her office to get her started. Reid, why don't you come with me to help her?"

The question seemed rhetorical, just Hotch giving me time alone in his office to read my letter. I whispered my thanks and waited for both men to leave before breaking the seal.

Dear Rachel,

I know you don't understand why I'm doing this, and I wish I could give you a reason you could understand. I never thought that I would ever leave you behind, especially after everything that has happened. But I know that I can't take care of you the way I should right now. I won't say that this is for the best, but I think that this will hurt you less in the long term.

Truthfully, I should have kept my distance from the start. If your mother and I hadn't made the arrangement we did to raise you, you both would never have been in Frank's path. I can never tell you enough how sorry I am that happened, Rachel. It was the last thing I ever wanted.

Looking at you every day reminded me of what you had lost and what I had lost. You lost the most important person to you in the world. I lost my faith and strength to be a parent. It wasn't until this last case that I truly realized how broken I was.

You've always resented when I compared you to the victims I see, but this was impossible. The girls who were killed were brunettes, killed on their college campus. I was so reminded of your mother and of you, I couldn't even tell the difference between you and the victims. That's when I decided to leave.

I can't be the father you need right now, so I won't hurt you by trying to be and failing. I've already failed you so completely. I hope that one day, you will come to accept this and forgive me. If you don't, I understand that.

I'm so sorry. I love you so much, Rae, and I still and always will love you, no matter where I am. Always remember that.

I couldn't believe it. I was too shocked to even cry.

Notes:

Some more on the Haydn story: what happened is that his patron, Prince Esterhazy, had kept the whole retinue at the summer palace longer than expected and the grunts wanted to get home to their wives and families. Haydn, known as the father of the symphony, wrote No. 45 in F sharp minor to make a point with the musicians leaving one by one until just he and the concert master was left playing violins. And it worked because they left for home the next day. There, now everyone learned something about music history today.

About this chapter: it was very difficult to write. I've had it plotted out literally from when I began writing this back in Mvt I, but it wasn't easy to actually get typed out due to the emotional drama. For awhile, I did consider all the other options to take from this point, like Gideon retiring but sticking around, or even moving with Rachel somewhere else (that one was easily dismissed for obvious reasons). But really, it had to be this way. My reasoning is, if Gideon could leave the whole team like he did, he could leave his daughter for the reasons that I've had him admit to Rachel. Could there be more to it? Sure, but I'm not going to write it. I leave that to your personal imaginings just like with Gideon and Sarah's relationship. And believe me, the drama is far from over. No one loses both parents in less than a year without it affecting them somehow.

As far as feedback goes, keep it up! I am so stoked to see that both chapters got four reviews each, I can't even tell you all. Let's see if we can keep that trend going, yeah? Thank you so much for showing me how much you appreciate my work. The next chapter will be posted next Saturday so keep your eyes open!

Cantoris