A/N: This story takes place between Saiyuki and Saiyuki Reload, so there are mild spoilers coming up.

Warnings for this chapter: "Adult situations"? :3 Slight crack, maybe.

They had just purchased rooms in the inn they were staying at when Hakkai turned to him. Speaking quietly as Gojyo and Goku argued, he said, "Can I talk to you privately later, Sanzo?" Here they were, two days later, and Hakkai was really going to talk to him, even though no one but him would think it was a good idea.

"About what, exactly?"

That was met with one of Hakkai's favorite looks, which he must have used on many of the schoolchildren in his past lifetime. A look of 'sit down and shut up', with a smile.

"Tch, fine."

He anxiously endured dinner, wondering how Hakkai would approach him and what he should say. Despite Hakkai's good intentions, there was nothing he could do to help. Perhaps there was an easy excuse to use for his current mental state... Was it the situation with Kami-sama? Nearly dying and having the kappa save him? Seeing Hakkai and Goku lying still and deathly on the floor? Or was it even further back, when Shuuei-no, Rikudo-lay bloody at his feet?

He pushed away these toxic thoughts. It was better to focus on the task at hand, the confrontation with Hakkai.

So when Hakkai had him alone in the room Sanzo and Goku would share for the night, he was ready. He sat on the bed opposite Hakkai in his tight shirt and jeans, because the inn was a little too warm. He smoked on a cigarette, only allowable because of the open window he sat next to, his back to the wall. Hakkai sat calmly on the other bed with his hands in his lap. "Um, Sanzo, I wanted to talk about what's...bothering...you."

Sanzo used the excuse of puffing another lungful of smoke to stall his response. When he did answer, his voice was calm and lazy. "I don't know what you're talking about." Smoke drifted away from his head and out of the window as he spoke.

Hakkai sighed. "Sanzo, we can tell something is going on. You're worrying Goku."

"Worrying Goku? So why isn't he here instead of you?"

"So you admit something should be worrying him."

"No, that's not what I said. Don't put words in my mouth." Already this conversation was annoying him. Hakkai was going about this all wrong. If he came and sat next to him, that would be a good first step. The next thing he'd have to do was lean close...

"Sanzo," Hakkai sighed, sounding long-suffering and full of pity. "We're your friends. We have been through so much together. It is not something you have to endure alone."

Sanzo smashed his cigarette in the ashtray beside him and slid off the bed. "This conversation is over." He stormed toward the door. As his hand reached for the doorknob, a normally gentle hand grabbed his wrist with enough force to halt his movement. Sanzo froze, shocked at the sudden feeling of Hakkai's hand, and the chi that accompanied it; his mind screamed 'danger' at the intensity of his energy. After the initial shock he glared into Hakkai's green eyes, but the other man didn't budge. "Sanzo, you are endangering not only yourself, but us. We have a right to know what is going on with you. If it is something we can help you with-"

"It isn't something you can help me with," Sanzo snarled, realizing too late that this statement would admit his guilt. He cursed and tried to yank his arm out of Hakkai's grip. Hakkai only gripped him harder.

"Sanzo—"

"No, you can't! None of you can, and don't try to pull that 'friends' bullshit. None of you are my friends, and I just want to be left alone!" He was so angry he thought he'd explode. When his arm-yanking got him nowhere, he snarled, "Let go!"

Hakkai's face was unreadable, but his voice shook. "I refuse. Why are you trying to keep everything all to yourself? Even though you said you trusted me with your life." He grabbed Sanzo's opposite shoulder and pulled him around so they would see each other face-to-face. Sanzo went rigid, containing himself.

The brunette was now clutching both of his shoulders. He swallowed hard and squeezed Sanzo's shoulders, as if in reassurance. "Sanzo, please don't say such things."

Sanzo was shocked into silence by Hakkai's gaze and those long, graceful fingers clutching his shoulders. There was an awkward silence, during which he couldn't endure that look. He twisted his head away and struggled, saying, "Let go of me," in as harsh a voice as he could.

"No," Hakkai asserted. Sanzo's eyes squeezed shut, wincing. "You are spiraling out of control, I can tell." The words were whispered, and Sanzo felt Hakkai get closer. 'He knows my weakness...?' Sanzo thought. He felt like dying; there was no avoiding it if Hakkai stayed this close to him—he'd snap.

"Why are you doing this?" he muttered.

"Can't you understand? I need you, Sanzo."

That shocked Sanzo so much he jerked back, hitting the door. The other man still held his shoulders but now used the door to his advantage, pressing Sanzo against it. Sanzo couldn't fathom how how Hakkai could seem so strangely calm, his polite mask in place, despite what he'd just said.

"I need your friendship," he continued, just as seriously, though it was obvious by how he said it he was upset. Sanzo felt like the pang in his stomach he'd felt at those words 'I need you' turn into a strange twisting feeling in his gut. "We all need you to be our leader. Goku relies on you for his stability, whether you realize it or not. Even Gojyo relies on you to make good decisions. If you can't function properly, it follows that neither can we."

Sanzo almost laughed out loud. Leave it to Hakkai to point out all his failures. 'I know. Of course I know.' He found himself shaking his head. He sagged back against the door, letting the back of his head thunk on it. "Hakkai, nothing I 'feel' will ever conflict with the mission," he said, condescendingly.

Hakkai hissed out a breath. That was the angriest he'd sounded since their argument during Gojyo's absence. "Sanzo, I know well what keeping pain inside does to someone. Trust me on this; you can't keep something like this to yourself. It will come out eventually, and often at the worst possible time."

Sanzo didn't understand what he was trying to say. 'It's not like I lost my lover, or sister,' he thought. Out loud he stated, "I already told you there's nothing you can do. What do you expect, that saying pointless things will change anything?"

As he spoke, he was acutely aware of the erection in his pants that had been forming ever since Hakkai had touched him. He was also acutely aware of the fact that if Hakkai looked down, it would be obvious. Hakkai's annoyed breath on his face and neck left a pleasant tingling sensation on his skin. The fingers that had done so many sinful things were digging into the bare flesh of his shoulders, which was made all the stronger by the sensation of his trapped and wicked chi. The proximity of the healer was no longer tolerable. It took all his willpower not to press forward and kiss him. Sanzo was distracted by the thought. 'That would shut him up...'

"I expect you to own up to having a problem, Sanzo. Only when you can admit it will you be able to move past it."

Sanzo growled, "Oh please." He pushed his shoulders against Hakkai's hands. "This conversation is definitely over."

"Conversation? That's a strong word for what is currently happening. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall." He kept Sanzo where he was by pushing back. So Sanzo struggled harder.

"Let go!" he snarled.

"You can't keep running away, Sanzo!"

"Like hell!" He jerked very hard, forcing Hakkai back a step. Hakkai slammed him back against the door, pressing his body against Sanzo's as if he was ready to wrestle him.

There was breath on his ear as the other man said something. He was too distracted by the hot body pressing into him to process any words. Hakkai's energy was overpowering like this. It took everything he had not to moan aloud. He bit his lip hard.

Then Hakkai shifted against him and he felt Hakkai's hip area rub on his erection through their pants. The touch sent sparks flying behind his eyes and he gasped.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai did it again, as if testing. This time Sanzo made a quick mewl sound, though it was so low it was barely audible, and so short Hakkai couldn't be sure it had existed at all. There would be no mistake now; Sanzo felt his face begin to burn with shame.

Immediately upon recognizing what had happened, Hakkai let go and fell back, face bright red. "I'm—I'm sorry, Sanzo, I—"

Dazed, Sanzo only recognized that Hakkai had finally let go, leaving just the scent of his shampoo and moisturizer behind. His body moved automatically, doing the only thing he knew how to do.

Leave.

Hakkai was left alone in the room, confused and shocked, unable to decide whether he should follow.

Sanzo approached his room for the night with an anxious knot in his belly, not sure how Goku would react, what Hakkai would have told him about their conversation. If Goku knew, would he room with him? The thought bothered him, and he was not looking forward to the scrutiny that would surely happen. Then suddenly the floor tilted oddly and he fell partially against the wall. He snickered at the fact that he was so fucking drunk he couldn't walk straight.

After the argument, he'd gone to the public bathroom, jacked off, then went straight for the bar. He just wanted to forget for awhile, he guessed; he really wasn't sure why. Forget, for at least a while, why he was stuck with sexy youkai, day in and day out. Forget he was lusting after YOUKAI of all things... Not that he cared, particularly, that they were youkai… and they weren't regular youkai, either. It was just ironic.

He fumbled with the doorknob and walked inside the room. He found himself sitting on his bed, and looking at the bed across from him. Hakkai was lying in the other bed, looking at him with a startled, sleepy look. How long had he been at the bar? Probably awhile.

"What the fuck are you still doing here?"

"Well, this is my room, Sanzo—"

"I thought Goku was rooming with me," Sanzo interrupted, trying his hardest not to speak with a slur but failing miserably. He suddenly noticed that Hakkai had sat up and looked like he was angry.

"Sanzo, are you drunk?"

"So what?"

"Sanzo..." That was not said in a good tone. He didn't think he'd ever heard his title said like that before. "Why are you drunk?"

"Because I drank liquor, dumbass." He flopped back on his bed and laid there spinning for a moment or two. Then he realized something was wrong. He couldn't lie down like this. His head was almost touching the wall. It was lucky he hadn't hit it when he'd laid back.

And then he felt something tugging at the boots on his feet, and he lazily tried to get them away from whatever was on them. Whatever had him kept its hold, so he looked down, and saw Hakkai calmly taking them off. He didn't know why, and he didn't really question. All he could think about was sleep. He was always so goddamn tired nowadays. The drinking was only making it worse.

Then Hakkai's arms were around him, holding him up as he did something which Sanzo couldn't see. He wasn't exactly sure what was going on, all he knew was that Hakkai, the hott healer-murderer, was in his arms. He clutched him back as if his life depended on it. Then he was lying back on the moderately soft bed, and Hakkai was smoothing the blankets over him. He didn't really notice this detail, however, and didn't let go of Hakkai when he made to move away.

"You can let go now, Sanzo," he said. His voice was so calm. He wondered what it would be like moaning his name, how it would sound.

"Tell you want me...to, and I still...won't."

Hakkai laughed an obviously nervous laugh. "This is usually behavior reserved for Gojyo, Sanzo. Don't you think? You need to get some sleep. It will help."

"I'm not the fucking...pervert kappa... Fucking dick on legs, you know."

"Yes, I know, Sanzo."

God, he was humoring him. Even in his drunk state it annoyed him.

"Don't fucking patronize me. You're..." He realized then that Hakkai was moving away. When had he let go?

"Hey, I wasn't done talking."

He was out of bed in an instant, standing woozily in the middle of the room. He wasn't sure what he was doing, or even what he had been about to say.

"Then what were you saying, Sanzo?"

"What?"

"What were you saying?"

"...You trying to pick a fight?"

"Sanzo, really! How much did you have to drink?"

"Tch, who cares? Three Aspects will be pissed though..." He snickered.

Suddenly he felt sick, like he would throw up right then. He held his mouth and bent over, moaning. The rest of the night was a blur.

The next morning he woke up with a gigantic hangover. Fuck. The first question that came to mind was, 'What happened last night after I left the bar?'

He felt really warm, so he looked and found someone beside him. Brown, tousled hair, but darker than the monkey's. Hakkai. Green eyes met his, and the healer smiled. He must have had a pretty astonished look on his face, because Hakkai laughed lightly and shifted in the bed. He realized they were lying side by side, under the covers, in an embarrassingly comfortable position. "It was the only way I could get you to sleep in a bed, Sanzo. You were quite drunk last night."

"So this hangover has been telling me," Sanzo groaned, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. He felt warm fingers touch his forehead and the familiar chi enter him. The pain faded and he blinked up at the ceiling.

"You didn't have to do that."

"No, but... Well, it's for the best."

"Tch."

The rest of the day proceeded in a strangely normal way. They had breakfast, Hakkai had to drag the two idiots out to the car, and they drove off. The ride was boring, and Sanzo found himself trying to remember with all his might what he'd done after he'd gotten back to the room. He had a vague recalling of Hakkai with him in the bathroom as he was sick; of Hakkai's solid form under his arm as the other man guided him along; and that was it. Typical Hakkai, forgoing his own interests and safety for other people. He probably secretly thought he was disgusting. He'd never let Sanzo know, but Sanzo suspected, and that was all it took to make him want to get the gun out of his sleeve and put it to his own temple.

He mentally shook off the feeling and watched the scenery go by. He was dead tired, for sure, but he'd never be able to fall asleep in the jeep with how bumpy the roads were around here. So he was stuck half-asleep, deep in thought.

That night, as they sat in Jeep trying to catch some sleep as they sometimes had to, Sanzo was awake and watching the stars, listening enviously to the snoring and deep breathing from the back seat. Even though he was dead tired, he still couldn't sleep. Then Hakkai lightly touched his arm. He jumped, looking at Hakkai with a frown.

"What?" he hissed.

"It's nothing to be ashamed about."

Sanzo turned his head back up to the sky above, but didn't see it this time. Instead, the memory of last night flashed through his mind. "I don't want to talk about it."

Hakkai sighed. "Neither do I. But we have to."

"No, we don't."

"Sanzo…"

"I said, we don't. End of discussion."

It was silent for awhile, the crickets the only thing breaking up the monotony. So many shameful memories flitted through Sanzo's mind, and when he closed his eyes he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. Couldn't hurt to try.

"I know you are having trouble sleeping."

Sanzo opened his eyes again and looked over at Hakkai, who was sitting up and alert in the driver's seat, staring at him intensely. That scrutiny only made Sanzo's stomach flip-flop. Hakkai could probably turn someone to stone with that look.

He finally found his voice after a moment and choked out, "Who said I can't?"

"I know you haven't been sleeping well. Your shooting has been slightly off these past few days. You also haven't been brushing your hair properly."

Sanzo ran his hand through his hair at the prompting and found it tangled with knots. He hissed in frustration and sat up, vein throbbing.

"It's just something I have to figure out for myself, Hakkai. Leave it alone."

"Or what?"

Sanzo glared at the unfazed man beside him. "Or things will get ugly."

"I seem to perceive they already are, Sanzo."

"Just die already."

Hakkai smiled a small smile and shook his head. "You must know I will never let this go." Those words made Sanzo wince and lean back against his seat.

"Hakkai, please," he said, just as quietly. Now he was begging? Pathetic.

"Um... What I mean to say, is that was a perfectly normal reaction. I…" Hakkai was visibly uncomfortable now, but he pressed on. "Don't be mad at me for bringing this up, but someone who is…celibate… or hasn't had sex for awhile… Can get aroused much more easily than a man with a healthy, active sex life. I didn't take it personally, Sanzo. You don't have to worry about me thinking of you in a disdainful light. It is just a normal bodily process."

Sanzo was quiet after this. He really had nothing to say to that. He was glad Hakkai was not offended, but he was also burning with guilt. What, was he supposed to say, 'You should take it personally? It was because of you?' No. Not in a million years. It was also sort of insulting that Hakkai made his libido sound like needing to eat or take a shit. It was a little bit more than that.

"Sanzo? What are you thinking about?"

Sanzo didn't have the courage to look at Hakkai's face again. When the other man got no response, he put a hand on Sanzo's shoulder. Sanzo flinched. Hakkai put his hand up in a surrender gesture and muttered an apology. "I'm sorry, I know you don't like touching. But Sanzo, I'd like it if you answered me when I talked to you."

"It's not that I don't like touching," Sanzo muttered.

"What?"

"..."

"Sanzo, please. You're being selfish with the way you are acting."

"If you don't like it, then you should leave."

"Let me guess, you'll walk all the way by yourself."

"I will."

"You wouldn't last a week. I'd like to see you try."

The challenge in Hakkai's tone took him off guard, but he forged on. "I didn't have a car when I was 14."

"You also didn't get very far, now did you?"

At this Sanzo turned his head and stared at Hakkai. He'd lost the conversation, but he didn't want to concede anything.

"Look, Sanzo. Why don't you try seeing it from our point of view?"

"From a youkai's point of view? I'll pass." He sneered.

Hakkai spoke even more quietly. "Since when has that mattered."

"Shit, never," Sanzo growled, finally fed up with the whole thing. He jumped out of Jeep and stormed off into the trees. If he had to take Hakkai's incessant questioning, he would rather shoot himself. Or walk, like he'd been challenged to. Choosing the better route, he walked through the forest, following parallel to the road. If Hakkai chose to chase him with Jeep, he didn't want to be visible on the road. The forest wasn't so dense that he had a hard time in the dark, but it was a little slow going. He saw a form up ahead but kept walking. When he got closer he saw it was Hakkai, who was breathing heavy. "Sanzo, wait," he said breathlessly, but Sanzo brushed past him. The youkai's hand darted out and grabbed Sanzo's wrist. It took all of the monk's self-restraint not to throw him to the ground. He was afraid of what might happen if he did.

"Is the problem because it was…" Hakkai faltered here, but bravely stuttered on anyway. "Was personal?"

Sanzo whirled on him. "You know nothing about me!" Hakkai saw the fist coming at his face and reacted instinctively, reeling back and letting go of Sanzo, barely avoiding the blow. Sanzo stormed away, cracking twigs and leaves underfoot with a vengeance.

Hakkai darted forward, grabbed Sanzo by the shoulders, turned him, and slammed him against the closest tree.

"What do you think—" Sanzo growled, before he was silenced by lips on his mouth. His eyes opened wide in shock as he saw Hakkai, eyes closed, kissing him, felt the man's lips on his own. He was too shocked to move, too shocked to think. He just stood there. The moment passed before Sanzo knew what was happening.

Hakkai withdrew, slowly opening his eyes. They were glazed over, but they soon focused on Sanzo's face and met his eyes, looking back and forth to both, trying to read the monk. "Hakkai—" Sanzo choked. "What was…" He was cut off again as Hakkai leaned forward, pressing his body along Sanzo's and touching his lips softly back to where they had just been. Sanzo gripped Hakkai's shoulders and breathed in deep through his nose.

Hakkai felt him tremble slightly before going still, accepting what was happening. That made him press his lips harder, trying to get Sanzo to respond. Finally he did, pressing back. The youkai chose that time to rub his hips forward, grinding quite purposefully into Sanzo's groin.

Sanzo gasped and bucked his hips as the friction slid over his erection. The kiss had made him immediately start getting hard, and the friction even harder. To his amazement Hakkai groaned into his mouth, and so he moaned back, clutching Hakkai to him. The healer opened his mouth slightly and flicked his tongue across Sanzo's lips. Sanzo immediately opened up to him. They both forgot to breathe when their tongues touched and danced hesitantly together. The kiss was undeniably awkward.

Hakkai began to grind into Sanzo rhythmically at a slow pace. Sanzo couldn't help thrusting into that movement, wanting more. Their kiss deepened, tongues battling for dominance. All thoughts and reservations flew out of the window as Hakkai's hands began to travel down his body. That was when the kiss ended, leaving them breathing hard. As they caught their breath, Hakkai never ceased the movement of his hips. By this time Sanzo could feel the other's erection through their clothing, and it sent a fiery tingle through his whole body. Both of their faces were flushed, lips swollen. Hakkai looked into Sanzo's eyes as he ground their pelvises together.

Sanzo tangled one of his hands in Hakkai's hair and the other gripped one narrow hip. "Hakkai," he gasped out, now entirely matching Hakkai's rhythm. It felt a lot like drowning. The sensations were so intense and he was entirely caught off-guard.

He felt hands fumbling at his robes, trying to push them up, and he obediently rose away so Hakkai could lift them enough to get at his jeans. They stopped humping each other so they could instead struggle with each other's pants. Hakkai reached his erection first, and Sanzo almost collapsed. Hakkai gently guided both of them to sit, Sanzo against the tree and Hakkai kneeling in front of him.

They began to stroke each other, their movements jerky and unfamiliar, but overeager nonetheless. Their lips met again, their tongues battling as their hands stroked. They enjoyed the feeling of each other's heat in the slight cold, and both felt the pleasure build quickly. Sanzo was enraptured by the little noises Hakkai mistakenly made when something was pleasurable, and sought after hearing more of them. Soon, however, he felt his orgasm come roaring up whether he liked it or not. The weight of the situation—Hakkai kissing him, touching him—was overpowering. He tried to groan out a warning into Hakkai's mouth, but that did nothing to deter that wicked hand. Sanzo's tongue and hand stuttered as his orgasm ripped through him. He drew back and gasped, "Hakkai!" He came for what felt like forever, spurting multiple times over Hakkai's fist. When it was over he fell back against the tree.

He took a moment to recover, his hand still on Hakkai's cock. Hakkai watched him with half-lidded eyes, thrusting minutely into his hand. That prompted him to begin stroking again, harder this time. Their breaths mingled from their extremely close proximity, and Hakkai's surging energy made Sanzo feel like he was going to get ripped apart. Finally the energy crested and broke, and Hakkai fell forward into Sanzo's shoulder, moaning out "Sanzo" as if it had never been a holy title. Sanzo felt hot liquid running over his hands and he smiled.

After it was over they both sat next to each other, huddled partially into their mutual heat, breathing hard. Neither wanted to speak first, so they sat in companionable silence. Sanzo, having surfaced above his lust, wondered how this had happened. As for the other man involved, Hakkai was embarrassed at acting so rashly. They were both unsure what this meant, if this would change anything. Hakkai thought Sanzo might be mad except that he was breathing lighter now and not moving away. Still, it would be wise to apologize.

"Um, Sanzo-"

"Shut up."

Hakkai looked at the side of his face; the monk was frowning. "But I-"

"Don't say it. I don't want to hear it."

Hakkai sighed in relief and looked up at the tree's branches. A nondescript spot, which they would never return to-a place lost in the forest-and here they had shared something altogether new, and scary, and it made him giddy. He hoped Sanzo felt the same.

Sanzo didn't know why Hakkai had done what he'd done: pity, fear of losing Sanzo, or his own desire? He hoped it was desire, but he knew Hakkai would say whatever he thought Sanzo wanted to hear. That was unacceptable. Perhaps it wasn't so bad being healed, after all, if this was how it was done.