Warnings for this chapter: More yaoi :D
A/N: Can't...stop...editing!
The next day was a glaringly bright, sunny day. Despite how awkward the two of them were, the morning proceeded normally. Just as his experience had been after waking up next to Hakkai after he'd drunken himself into a stupor that fateful night, it was eerie how things could seem the same but be so different. Gojyo was still annoying when he argued with Goku, still annoying when he stared too long at a passing woman, and still annoying when he grinned playfully at Hakkai. Still, Sanzo felt less of a need to hurt him for being so annoying. That was probably because he felt mellower than he had in… a long time.
The next town was days away, even in Jeep, and Sanzo was almost tempted to stay in this one a day longer so he could enjoy another night in bed. But they couldn't afford that. So they set off bright and early as usual, and travelled as far as they could that day. By the time Hakkai pulled over and they clambered off an exhausted Hakuryuu, Sanzo was feeling just as weary as his companions. All of the benefits of sleeping in a bed last night and having awesome sex with Gojyo—Sanzo blushed when he remembered it—was now gone.
"Hey Sanzo, why's your face all red?" Goku asked, peering at him suspiciously.
Hakkai spoke before he could. "Oh, perhaps a blood vessel in Sanzo's head has finally popped!"
"Yeah!" Goku shouted, laughing. He backed off when Hakkai called him over to help him prepare a fire for food.
Sanzo met all of this with his usual apathy—if you could call mild anger apathy. He found a comfortable place not too far from the fire and smoked a cigarette. Gojyo sat down, too, making small talk while waiting for the food. Sanzo ignored all of them as he stared off at the trees, deep in thought.
"Days away" turned into a full week. They kept running into pockets of youkai, which took time to defeat and time to recover from afterwards. By the time they reached town, tensions were ready to explode, and they were all looking forward to a bath and warm bed. As for Sanzo-and probably Gojyo, also-he was embarrassingly horny again. He felt like he was right back where he started two weeks ago. Sanzo finally understood some of Gojyo's behavior; to stave away that harsh need, one needed to have a steady source of sex.
To Sanzo's dismay, the "town" was extremely small; it had, at most, 20 buildings. There was one inn, which had a total of four rooms, one of which had no mattress and the other which was occupied by a homeless town drunk. The townspeople were aloof but treated them with respect, and they were soon staring into their respective rooms.
Hakkai had politely asked to share Sanzo's room, and grudgingly got it after a small fight. Together they stared at the one, queen-sized bed plunked in the middle of the room. The room was clean and tidy, but sparse. There was just one small dresser and the bed, and that was it. Hakkai tentatively stepped into the room and put their things down. "Perhaps we should clean up before dinner?" he said, acting so casual that Sanzo wanted to laugh. They were both nervous as hell to be sharing a room and A BED together. Sanzo also felt guilty for having sex with Gojyo a week ago, even with the knowledge that Hakkai wanted him, too. It had been irresistable at the time. He'd had a lot of time to think about it, and decided it was something that Hakkai didn't need to know about.
They both trekked to the bath house which offered privacy only from the opposite sex. They walked into the men's section and found that Gojyo and Goku had beaten them to it. There was a large tub in the middle of the room much like a jacuzzi, except that it wasn't bubbling. They were in the hot, steamy water, and having a water match. Somehow through a faceful of water, Goku spotted Sanzo, who returned his look of recognition with a grumpy face. It took a moment for Gojyo to stop his attack long enough to realize their other companions were here. He laughed at a drowned-looking Goku, who still managed to enthusiastically say, "Come on in, guys, it feels great!"
Sanzo and Hakkai started to disrobe. It proved to be very frustrating, however; he felt like Gojyo was probably staring at him, and he had to force himself to stare at the tiled walls rather than Hakkai. After having years of practice it shouldn't be hard, but it was somehow much harder than usual. So the monk rushed, leaving his clothes in a heap with the sutra carefully rolled up on top. He quickly got in when Gojyo and Goku seemed occupied with squirting water at each other with their fists. As long as they weren't splashing anymore, he didn't care what they did.
Hakkai carried the soap and shampoo in with him when he was done undressing. Right away, Gojyo grabbed the soap from Hakkai-who had offered it politely to anyone who wanted it first-and proceeded to fight over it with Goku.
"Settle down and shut up!" Sanzo said, smacking them both over the head with a closed hand, seeing as how he didn't have his fan. He used the chance to usurp the soap for himself and let them stare at him in disbelief as he used it. Hakkai was smiling like he genuinely thought it was funny. When he was done he handed it to Hakkai.
Gojyo was sitting across from him but mostly ignoring him as usual. Which was why, when Sanzo looked at him briefly and the kappa met his eyes and smiled, Sanzo was caught off-guard. As Sanzo watched, Gojyo leaned back and ran his hand through his wet hair, grinning the whole time. The movement showed off his bicep, muscles also rippling in his chest. Sanzo's face got redder as he remembered Gojyo beneath him. He also remembered the feeling of Gojyo's skin, the taste of his most intimate places, and felt blood rush to his groin. Luckily the water was frothy enough so that the others couldn't see.
Suddenly he noticed that Gojyo had already gone back to talking with Goku and Hakkai. Sanzo finally looked away, eyes flitting to the water, then the wall far from any of his companions.
Damn that kappa; why did he find him so appealing? It made him angry. He couldn't really justify that, though. Still, the polite, kind man beside him was more important at the moment. It was Gojyo who he'd had sex with, but it was Hakkai who had opened the possibility. Something about Hakkai's lust was...purer. And Gojyo was annoying as hell.
That firmly placed in his mind, he tuned into the conversation again. Goku was saying something annoying loud, as usual. "Is it really possible to pop a blood vessel in your head, Hakkai?"
Alarmed, Sanzo looked at Goku, who was staring at him. Hakkai answered carefully. "I suppose it is… Why do you ask?"
"Because Sanzo's popped another one!"
"I did not, stupid monkey," Sanzo grumbled.
"Ah, perhaps the heat of the bath is getting to him. It's getting to me, too. Perhaps we should get out?"
"Aww, man! But I wannta stay!"
"No, Goku. Staying in this heat is not good for one's health."
"I feel fine," he said, grumbling, but got out anyway. Sanzo was still looking at him, sort of lost in thought, and then found himself looking at a wet, naked...young man. His muscles were defined, his skin rich from the sun. So unlike the small, pale, seemingly fragile boy he'd first met. His hair was short too; it stuck up despite being wet, pushed up by the diadem. His skin and the golden limiter glistened in the dim light coming in through the one window. As he ran after Hakkai and took a towel, water flew everywhere. Sanzo's eyes inexorably followed him, drawn to the sight. Goku's firm buttocks were practically waving in his face as he bent down, drying off his legs. Sanzo felt his face get hotter, his mouth water. He took a deep breath and forced his gaze away. Humiliated by his thoughts, he wanted to suddenly jump into an ice-cold river; anything but this heat. He slumped in the water, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Didn't know you were into kids," Gojyo whispered quietly, so the others couldn't hear. He was so quiet about it took a few seconds for Sanzo to understand what he said. Even when he did, Sanzo wasn't sure if he should answer. He did, anyway, just as quietly. "He isn't a kid… anymore."
"I'm glad ya finally noticed, baldy." Sanzo could hear the amusement in Gojyo's voice and imagined him grinning.
When he looked up he found he was right. However, unlike his imagination, Gojyo was sprawled out, taking up the space Goku had just occupied moments before, which meant he was a lot closer to Sanzo now. Then Sanzo felt something touch his inner thigh and nearly bolted out of the water until he recognized the 'thing' was the pad and toes of a foot. The water stirred from his reflexive flinch.
Sanzo looked at Gojyo in disbelief. The other two were still getting dressed not a few feet from the both of them. That didn't stop the foot from firmly sliding up and pressing against Sanzo's erection. Gojyo met his eyes with a smug, triumphant look.
"You so totally have the hots for Goku," he whispered over the hissing water.
"For your information," Sanzo choked out, trying to resist showing how much the feeling of something sliding so surely over his dick affected him, "it was you."
Gojyo pressed more firmly and Sanzo flinched, head going slightly back. He tried to school his body into remaining stiffly where he was, in case he drew the other's attention.
"Sanzo, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked from the other side of the room. "Aren't you getting out, too?"
Sanzo couldn't find his voice. Gojyo never stopped the footjob, even as he said, "Eh, I like it in here. I can last longer than the ape," he said this with an annoying wiggling of his eyebrows, "and when's the next time we'll get to do this? I'll be right after you guys."
"Alright... Sanzo?" Hakkai sounded puzzled.
It would seem weird that he'd stay alone with Gojyo. But Sanzo didn't have a choice. He managed out, "Same," gruffly, trying not to let his voice go to a higher pitch when Gojyo thrust his foot just right.
"Alright," Hakkai said. Sanzo could pick out the puzzlement in his voice, but he didn't sound as if he had detected that Gojyo was currently molesting Sanzo.
The pair left, Goku skipping around Hakkai detailing all the food he was planning to eat.
Once they left, Sanzo lifted Gojyo's foot away and dove through the water separating them, landing roughly on Gojyo. He crushed his lips to Gojyo's heatedly, digging his tongue between those infuriating lips. They both moaned into the kiss as Sanzo sat down on Gojyo's lap, which put their erections against each other. Sanzo began rocking his hips back and forth, tugging on Gojyo's long hair as he did so. He broke their kiss, and with Gojyo's head properly pulled back, put his lips to Gojyo's neck. Moans egged him on as he licked and nipped at the sensitive flesh near his ear.
"Oh yeah," Gojyo groaned, guiding Sanzo's hips with both hands. "Fuck me right here, right now."
Sanzo's grip in his hair tightened and he pressed forward harsher, increasing the pace of his thrusts. "No," he grunted.
"God." Gojyo hissed, squeezing Sanzo's hips. "Why not?"
"Someone could walk in any time. Just—nnn!—quick."
"Fuck, fine, we could find someplace else!"
"No," Sanzo retorted, tugging sharply on his hair.
"Damn, shit-head monk!"
Still, Gojyo's hips rolled to meet his, and Sanzo let his hair go, instead grasping his shoulders as he undulated on top of him. Gojyo met each thrust and soon, due to the almost perfect friction created by the water, they were close to release. The water splashed and sloshed wildly as their frenzy increased, and Gojyo felt his orgasm get close. He staved it off, wanting to come with Sanzo. By his quick breathing and stuttering movements, he was close, too.
And then Sanzo groaned loudly, coming, and Gojyo followed him with a cry of pleasure. They thrust against each other a few more times before going still, panting. Sanzo laid on top of him for a few seconds, feeling relaxed.
Sanzo moved first, dismounting and moving for the edge of the bath. Gojyo sat still a moment longer, trying to make sense of their short disagreement. He wasn't used to being denied, well, anything, during sex. Leave it up to the monk to do that. "So," he drawled as Sanzo patted himself dry with a towel. "Mind telling me why you don't want to fuck?"
Sanzo grunted in response, bending down to get his clothing.
"What kind of an answer is that?" Sanzo heard him getting out of the bath. He continued to ignore him, however.
"Ya tired of sex already?" Gojyo joked, coming up a few feet behind him and standing there, dripping on the floor. Sanzo spared him a glance, noticing he was still hard as he stood with his hands on his hips. Oh, Sanzo knew what Gojyo meant; there was a hidden "with me" in that question.
"Honestly? Yes," Sanzo lied coldly, zipping up his jeans.
Gojyo opened his mouth, probably to make another seemingly flippant yet emotionally-charged comment, but Sanzo stopped him short. "And before you ask anymore stupid questions, the answer is the same."
This was met with stunned silence, as he had thought it would. After a moment Gojyo slowly moved away and started to get dressed. Sanzo felt a pang of regret. He wondered to himself briefly why he was being so cold, but he couldn't help it. The temptation that was Gojyo made him mad, not with Gojyo so much as with himself for giving in.
As he settled the sutra on his shoulders, he looked at Gojyo getting dressed, still moving like he had arthritis. He wondered if he should apologize. The idea died immediately. If his pride would let him, he still wouldn't know how. It was Gojyo's own fault for being so stupid that he couldn't tell Sanzo was lying. Who had thrown himself onto the other? Sanzo. Who'd kissed the other first? Sanzo. Only a moron would believe it.
Hoping that Gojyo would figure that out for himself—tough chance—he left.
Dinner was unusually awkward. Gojyo was quiet, picking at his food, even letting Goku steal things off his plate. Sanzo was staring at his rice like it had the secret to the universe. Goku was obviously distressed by the other two's behavior and was making up for it by being extra loud and obnoxious. Hakkai ate quietly, wondering what had happened.
Perhaps the two of them had stayed behind so that they could speak privately? What had they said? The thought that something had 'happened' between them, something sexual, crossed the healer's mind, but he discarded it immediately. Gojyo's heterosexual tendency was etched extremely deep in Hakkai's mind. Sanzo also seemed too aloof for anything to start between them. Hakkai had to practically force it on him before.
The memory of kissing Sanzo, the tang of his cigarettes, their tongues sliding together, the smell of his arousal in the crisp forest air… Hakkai felt his face burn and he also began to study his food. It took a few minutes for him to cool off enough to be able to look at Goku with his trademark small smile and offer him some of his food.
Goku was glaring at Gojyo by this point, thinking he'd done something to Sanzo. Hakkai tried to distract him with the meal laid out on the table, but failed. He'd always placed Sanzo above food, after all. This was bad. Goku and Gojyo were rooming together tonight. Above all, Hakkai wanted to actually get to spend some time alone with Sanzo without the others busting down the door.
Finally, Goku spoke up, glaring at Gojyo. "What'd you do to Sanzo?"
"Goku—" Hakkai started, but Gojyo gave him a look. He faced Goku and opened his mouth.
"Nothing," interrupted Sanzo."Mind your own business, monkey."
"Wha—? But Sanzo!"
"Shut up and mind your own business!" Sanzo growled, finally abandoning his plate of food and storming off.
Gojyo turned to watch Sanzo disappear through the doorway, face screwed up in puzzlement...and hurt. Only Hakkai probably knew him well enough to pick out the hurt in his expression. Goku turned to Gojyo once he was gone. "You better say sorry ta him for whatever ya did! He's pissed!"
"Me? He's the one that ought to say sorry!" Gojyo yelled back, angry. He stood up so fast he almost upended his chair, then headed off to the exit. Goku jumped up, growling. Hakkai rested a hand on his arm, an imploring expression on his face as he said, "Please, Goku, you heard Sanzo. This is between them. They'll have to sort it out themselves. Don't make things worse."
Goku pouted, sitting back down and avoiding Hakkai's gaze.
"Please eat, Goku."
"M'not hungry!"
"But Goku, how can you let this food go to waste? It appears that no one else is very hungry this evening."
Goku didn't look happy but did resume eating. Hakkai made an attempt at eating the rest of his plate, but eventually his anxiety over Sanzo and Gojyo took over.
He excused himself from the table and followed in the direction that Gojyo had gone. It was usually easy to find Gojyo because of his long red hair; he usually only had to ask one person where he'd gone to. In this case an old woman pointed him in the right direction and he thanked her before walking to the bar across the street. Inside, he joined Gojyo at the bar, sitting on the stool beside him. He only requested water from the bartender, getting the evil eye for it, but ignored that in favor of turning to his friend.
"Gojyo," he said quietly. "What should Sanzo apologize for?"
"Nothing, 'Kai."
"Quite obviously." His cheerful tone belied the sarcasm.
"Man, I dunno, he just made a fool out of me. I guess."
"I see." Hakkai responded, sounding agreeable. But he actually didn't; usually he could tell what Gojyo was thinking, even with vague answers like that. But not tonight. He placed a hand on Gojyo's shoulder and waited for Gojyo to look at him. The pain was still there in his eyes. "Gojyo..." he said pityingly; he hated to see his friend feeling like this. "You know how Sanzo is. You can't take anything he says, or does, to heart."
Gojyo sighed and looked back at the empty glass in his hand. "You're probably right 'Kai. Can you give me some time to think?" Alone.
"Of course. Promise me you won't stay out too late tonight, though. We'll be leaving early in the morning."
"Okay…"
Hakkai patted him reassuringly. Not feeling any better about things, and perhaps even more confused than before, he got up reluctantly. He hoped that Gojyo would forgive whatever Sanzo had done. Things were already stressful enough for Hakkai, knowing he would have to sleep with Sanzo in the same bed tonight. In the same respect, Goku and Gojyo sleeping in the same bed was bound to be difficult this evening. He was sort of hoping that Gojyo would stay out late for that very reason, despite his words; he did NOT want to be disturbed.
Only one last look at the lonely figure of Gojyo, and he left the bar. As he walked back into the inn and toward the stairs, he felt butterflies weighing down his stomach. What gave him the right to have plans for his night in bed with Sanzo he didn't know. But it was up to him to grasp happiness wherever he found it. After having a revelation as Sanzo walked away into the dark forest, leaving him behind in the car, Hakkai had instinctively known what he had to do. And that was what it was; instinct. He'd done everything on a whim, but he hadn't regretted it since, not once. Sanzo had even seemed disappointed the last time they'd had a chance to share a room.
His thoughts aided him in reaching the door to the bedroom he was sharing with Sanzo. Of its own accord, his hand moved to clutch the doorknob. He took a deep breath, steeling himself, then entered. Hakuryu was already curled up at the bottom of the bed. Sanzo was lying on the bed reading, his robes bunched around his waist. He was mostly obscured by the newspaper.
Hakkai approached and sat down at the foot of the bed, closer to Sanzo than he'd normally get. "Sanzo," he cajoled lightly, hoping the calm tone would keep Sanzo from exploding at being interrupted. Sanzo grunted, not even sparing him a glance. Hakkai made do with what he was given. "Goku and Gojyo argued after you left."
After a moment of silence, Sanzo said, "Get to the point."
"Well, they are sleeping in the same bed, just as we are. I do not think it wise to keep them together if they are going to argue."
Sanzo lowered the paper and glared at Hakkai. "And why should I care?"
Hakkai smiled lightly as he pulled the monocle off of his nose and tucked it into his pocket. Then he lightly grabbed the edge of the paper in Sanzo's hands. He tugged until Sanzo let go, and he put it on the bed beside them, out of the way. Then he took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves with Sanzo staring at him, as if in anticipation.
Hakkai knew he'd have to go directly for what he wanted, just like he'd done all those days ago. He crawled over Sanzo and put his face dangerously close to his, looked him in the eye, and breathlessly said, "Because I do not want to be disturbed tonight."
Sanzo stared back at him seriously, but a light pink spread through his cheeks. He can really be so cute sometimes, Hakkai thought and smiled. When Sanzo looked uncertain of what to do, he sat down, being sure not to rest his full weight on Sanzo's legs. This freed his hands, which he used to grasp Sanzo's glasses and delicately pull them off. Sanzo's eyelids fluttered. Hakkai leaned close again. He put his fingers lightly on Sanzo's face near his ear and placed a small, chaste kiss on Sanzo's mouth. When he withdrew, he whispered against Sanzo's mouth, "Would you please go placate Goku?"
Sanzo's lips had been so warm and pliant. Hakkai couldn't resist kissing him again. This time Sanzo cupped the back of his neck, and pushed his face up toward Hakkai. If that was his way of saying 'yes', that was fine with Hakkai, who moaned appreciatively. Their kiss deepened, and soon their tongues were exploring furiously. It was similar to the night when they'd first kissed, but less awkward. It was Sanzo who broke the kiss this time, pushing Hakkai away.
"Fine," he said gruffly, voice thick with lust, making it deeper than usual. Hakkai sighed with pleasure at hearing both the acquiescence and that husky voice. He dismounted Sanzo and the bed to stand to allow Sanzo to get up, which he quickly did. Sanzo hurried to the door, wrenched it open, and didn't bother closing it. Hakkai heard him pound on Goku's door with a fist. The faint sound of a door being opened followed by talking told Hakkai Sanzo was doing what he'd asked. It was good that Goku had returned to his room; less time for Sanzo to have to hunt him down. Their conversation sounded calm, though he couldn't hear what was being said.
Well, he was glad that went so smoothly. As he waited for Sanzo to return he reorganized the room a bit to better suit the activity he wanted to partake in. He folded up Sanzo's newspaper and put it and his glasses on the dresser. Then he took his monocle from his pocket and put it there, too. Hakaryuu was sleeping on his bedclothes where he had them on his side of the bed. Hakkai spoke to him gently as he scooped up the small, warm form and put the bundle beside everything else. The little dragon just cooed and went back to sleep immediately.
He smoothed the wrinkled sheets and stared at the neat, empty bed. Not willing to dwell on, well, anything, he walked to the door. It was at that moment that Sanzo came back, closing the door behind him. Hakkai asked, "How did it go?" Sanzo walked over to the bed and sat down. Hakkai subtly locked the door when his back was turned.
Sanzo replied, "I told the monkey we sorted it out and for him to stop acting like a brat."
Hakkai kept smiling and shook his head, slightly amused, as he also walked over to the bed. It was doubtful Sanzo had said it in such a way to Goku; he was sometimes surprisingly gentle with the kid when they were alone.
Two weeks ago he would have sat on his own side of the bed and kept himself entertained with a book. Not now, however, so he sat down beside Sanzo, who was looking at his newspaper sitting on the dresser. Upon entering the room Sanzo had noticed that the bed was clear of their things, including Hakkai's nightclothes, even though he usually had them laid out from the moment they unpacked.
"Won't you need those to get ready for bed?" Sanzo asked, feigning disinterest yet obviously pointing at the bundle of clothes with a dragon on it. Hakkai was amused by Sanzo's nervousness. He responded, "It's still a few hours until bedtime."
Sanzo grunted an acknowledgment. "What are you going to do to kill the time?"
Hakkai heard the implied 'we' in that statement. He looked at Sanzo directly with a serious expression. Sanzo glanced at him, but was unable to keep his eyes there. He was really nervous. Hakkai couldn't help but run a forefinger down the side of Sanzo's face. "Oh, I was thinking I could follow that lovely dinner with some dessert."
Hakkai's sensitive ears picked up on the increased pace of Sanzo's breathing. He had always had good hearing, but since becoming a youkai he had noticed, even with the limiters, that he could pick up on the smallest things. When he took off his limiters, his senses were even more acute. He became the predator, the hunter; he could hear a heartbeat from a few feet away, smell his prey—people, he corrected himself—on the wind. It came in handy now as he began to smell Sanzo's arousal at his words, hear his breath quicken, see the little twitches that gave Sanzo's nervousness and lust away.
Hakkai heard Sanzo's lips part and found himself staring at those full lips as they moved. "What kind of dessert?" Sanzo glared directly into Hakkai's eyes. When he did, he saw the rather creepy smile on the other's face, and the light in Hakkai's eyes. He noticed, not for the first time, that brilliant green. They leaned toward each other until their lips met. Hakkai could not stop himself from tackling Sanzo to the bed, lying on him as he ran his fingers through gold strands. Sanzo held the back of his neck again, but this time began running his fingertips lightly over the skin there. Hakkai shivered at the delicate touch, which sent pleasant tingles down his spine. He probed Sanzo's mouth with his tongue, enjoying the taste of him, enjoying the wet warmth there. He felt his penis engorge as the monk grazed his nails over the nape of his neck, and respond with his tongue in kind. The youkai gripped Sanzo's hair tighter in loose fists and began to rub their groins together at an even tempo. He could feel Sanzo was rock hard already, making him moan desperately into the other's pliant mouth. He continued to hump the blonde beneath him as he withdrew his mouth. Sanzo whimpered at the loss, but moaned as Hakkai began making his way down his jaw, then his neck, sucking at sensitive flesh anywhere he found it.
One hand was used as a prop so Hakkai was not lying heavily on the monk, while the other hand let go of Sanzo's hair to run over Sanzo's body. He felt over the silky skin covering hard muscles on Sanzo's upper arm, enjoying the masculine curves, before slowly exploring Sanzo's side through his shirt, all the while licking and sucking on his neck. When he reached the bottom hem, he snaked his fingers underneath, moaning at the feeling of Sanzo's soft flesh. Sanzo was panting hard, pulse racing under Hakkai's mouth. Hakkai didn't realize he'd nipped him until Sanzo flinched. His blood surged beneath Hakkai's teeth. Hakkai withdrew slightly as he smelled the tang of arousal and the new smell of…fear?
He felt the pleasure in his stomach melt into a hard ball he recognized as guilt, anger, and frustration. He swallowed hard and stopped the slow undulation of his hips. Sanzo clutched the back of his neck hard, growling.
Hakkai let go completely and rose up, breathing hard. It took all of his willpower to rise away from Sanzo now, but he felt so sick to his stomach at the thought that Sanzo might not want this after all. That perhaps he was afraid of him, and felt like he didn't have a choice. Suddenly he remembered the feeling of Sanzo's come dribbling over his hand, the smell of it in the clean forest air. Even so…
He pushed off the bed until he was standing, if wobbly, before collapsing back onto the bed beside Sanzo. For a moment he sat numbly, then put his face in his hands with his elbows digging into his thighs. Sanzo sat up slowly before hesitantly touching his shoulder; the touch was so light, Hakkai found himself choking back a sob. That was unlike Sanzo. All of this was unlike Sanzo.
"What?" Sanzo demanded. His voice was not as gentle as his touch. Hakkai shook his head, keeping his hands plastered to his face.
"What?" Sanzo demanded again, pulling at Hakkai's wrist and clutching his shoulder hard. Obstinately, Hakkai kept himself in his current position.
"I just can't—!" Hakkai said past his palms.
Hakkai knew Sanzo would be mad. Knew that he'd misinterpret this. But he felt like he might throw up.
He was a monster.
Sanzo angrily let go, but did not get up from the bed, did not storm away, like Hakkai thought he would. Instead, he sat for a moment, taking calming breaths. For a minute while Hakkai attempted not to cry, Sanzo calmed himself down. He wrapped his arms awkwardly around Hakkai and rested his forehead on the other's shoulder. "Tell me," Sanzo whispered.
The unexpected comforting gesture, so very unlike Sanzo, broke what little was left of Hakkai's control on his emotions. "Sanzo," Hakkai sobbed. "I have killed so many... I shouldn't be touching you. I'm a monster—"
"You are not," Sanzo said fiercely, holding him tighter. Hakkai's protest was murdered by a dry chuckle, completely lacking mirth, coughing slightly as his crying choked his throat. "You don't know me for what I truly am. You weren't there, you didn't see what I did. How can you have so much faith in me?"
Sanzo shifted, sitting closer to Hakkai, and raised his head to better look at the other. He snuck a hand under Hakkai's guarding hands and lightly touched Hakkai's chin. Hakkai responded by easing his grip on his face so that he could turn into the touch. Sanzo whispered into the youkai's ear, "No, I was not there. But I do know you, after all these years, and I pride myself on being a good judge of character. I've said it before: I trust you." When Hakkai didn't respond, he continued. "Hakkai, you are NOT a monster. ...If you are, I'm an even worse one."
Hakkai looked at him, startled. Sanzo's face was set so serious, so sure of himself, that Hakkai felt the ball of guilt and everything else loosen. But not completely. "But—but, I'm—I feel like I'm forcing you."
Obviously Sanzo did not expect those words. He snorted derisively. "Really, 'Kai? You think you could?"
That sneer made Hakkai smile sheepishly. He lowered his head before he said, "But you—I could tell—you were afraid."
Sanzo went still. There was an awkward pause, before he grunted, "I am not afraid of you."
Hakkai smiled wider, blinking out the tears from his eyes. He quickly flicked them away as he sighed and said, "Your mouth may lie, but your body does not. You're afraid of me."
"I am not!" Sanzo growled, using the loosened grip on Hakkai's chin to turn his face toward his forcefully. He pressed a hard kiss to Hakkai's stiff lips, before growling again, "I am not."
"Sanzo—"
"I am not. End of story. Now come here." They kissed again, this time Hakkai kissing back more easily.
How Sanzo always managed to soothe his soul was a mystery. It was like he polished out all the imperfections, showing him they weren't actually flaws. An intensity ran through Hakkai's body and he clutched at Sanzo, deepening the kiss.
This time it was Sanzo who tackled him to the bed, though he did it less gracefully. Hakkai didn't care. The guilt was still there, would probably never go away, but it was no longer guilt over forcing Sanzo. He felt so relieved and elated that Sanzo wanted this. He gratefully closed his eyes as Sanzo kissed him again and again.
When Sanzo finally stopped frantically kissing him, Hakkai mumbled, "My apologies for that..."
Sanzo sighed into his face. Hakkai closed his eyes and breathed it in. He felt the next whispered words on his face, too. "Maybe I was a little…startled, by the…biting, but I liked it." Hakkai opened his eyes and looked at Sanzo's face. He was blushing heavily now, breathing hard. A surge of elation swept through Hakkai, and he whispered, "It doesn't matter that I'm a youkai?"
"No," Sanzo said firmly and loud. His mouth twitched into a smile at the happy expression on Hakkai's face. Then he harshly ground his groin down into Hakkai's. Hakkai gasped, eyes closing and body relaxing into submission. Mesmerized by that reaction, Sanzo did it again, enjoyed Hakkai groaning throatily and clutching his hips. "Oh god, Sanzo, I want you."
"Clothes. Off. Now," Sanzo demanded. They broke apart, both disrobing, practically ripping their clothes off. Hakkai attempted to fold his clothes after he was disrobed, but Sanzo growled and batted the articles of clothing from his hands onto the floor. Hakkai started to protest before Sanzo silenced him with a bruising, needy kiss. They tumbled onto the bed, lying naked, Sanzo partially on top.
Rubbing their groins together like this was ten-times better. Hakkai's face was leaning into Sanzo's chest, where he could hear the other's heart beating wildly and the air rushing in and out of his lungs. He moaned into that pale flesh and received a stuttering chest in return and arms that gripped him tighter. Hakkai reached a hand between them and fisted both cocks together. Sanzo's fingers shifted through his hair and his movements became more and more frantic against the brunette. Soon he was grunting out, "Hakkai… Nnn—I'm—I'm coming… Ahh!"
Hakkai bit down on Sanzo's shoulder as his own admission and they came together with muffled cries.
As the wave of pleasure receded, Sanzo shifted to lie on his back, pulling Hakkai with him. Hakkai gratefully lay on his chest, throwing a leg over Sanzo's. As they both recovered, Hakkai closed his eyes and ran his fingers down Sanzo's chest.
The man was pure blond all over, making his skin appear perfect and pale, especially in the dim light. However, if one was attentive enough to their sensitive fingertips, one could feel the very light bumps and raised flesh that denoted faded scars. The brunette couldn't resist kissing where he found them. Soon he was kissing and licking all over Sanzo's chest. Sanzo was already panting hard again. Hakkai found his nipple and began caressing it softly with his lips and tongue. The feeling made Sanzo squirm. "Hakkai! Ah… Stop it. That feels… strange."
Hakkai only smirked and nipped at the hardening bud. Sanzo's back arched. "Do you like it when I'm rough?" Hakkai asked quietly.
Sanzo's face turned a dark shade of red and he muttered, "What are you saying?"
Hakkai smiled and snuggled up to him, face upturned. "But I want to know what you like."
Sanzo turned his face away, obviously embarrassed. Hakkai sighed. He'd prior experience with open dialogue between his bed partner and himself, but Sanzo apparently had not. "Sanzo... Before we continue further," he began, idly petting Sanzo's chest and rubbing his leg on Sanzo's thigh. "Have you done this before...?"
"Yes."
"I see," he said, relieved and a little disappointed, too. "As you probably know, I have not been with a man before..."
"What, Gojyo never broke you in?" Sanzo asked.
Was that a joke? Hakkai chuckled, partly shaking his head and partly rubbing his cheek on Sanzo's chest. "You know how Gojyo is. He's such a ladies' man. Though it is a shame."
Sanzo grunted in a noncommittal way, but was unable to help but return the sly smile Hakkai was now giving him. Searching for a distraction, Sanzo said, "But I haven't been with a woman before."
"Ah, that makes us fairly even then, doesn't it?" Hakkai said evenly, though he was surprised. What man had Sanzo been with before...?
"Are you saying that after this I have to bed a woman?"
There was a minor pause where they both studied each other in mock seriousness, before they burst into laughter. With Sanzo it was more of a dry chuckle, but it was still nice to see him laugh. As the laughing quieted, Hakkai joked back, "Gojyo could help you!" He was rewarded with a few extra chuckles.
"Hn. Enough talk of the damn kappa," Sanzo murmured, pulling him close and kissing him. The kiss soon turned into a lewd display of mingling tongues and inappropriate groping. Both of them were getting hard again, and Hakkai pumped Sanzo's length in a fist while Sanzo gripped his ass. As Hakkai moaned into his mouth, an overwhelming feeling overtook Sanzo. He roughly threw Hakkai onto his back and got on top.
"Sanzo?" Hakkai gasped as Sanzo's fingers went immediately to the cleft of his ass. He felt a finger prod at his tight hole and moaned at the feeling. Sanzo enjoyed how it clenched and unclenched as his fingertip toyed with it. He was so tight there that there would be no slipping in even his finger without lubrication. Sanzo wanted to tell him how much he wanted him, but instead found himself saying, "Do you have any lube?" He didn't think spit would be enough.
Hakkai blushed and nodded, his gaze flitting from Sanzo's. "In my bag. I, um, purchased some on the last shopping trip." The monk kissed him furiously for this, the fire inside of him coalescing into an intense need in his groin. He forced himself away from the vulnerable body beneath him to get the lube from the bag. It was easy to find; soon he was popping the top with shaking hands and spilling a large amount over his palm. He walked back over to Hakkai while rubbing it over himself. Hakkai raised his legs up and held them by the crook of his knee.
Seeing Hakkai displayed like that almost made Sanzo plunge in just as it was. It was dim as the light from outside was fading, but it somehow made Hakkai's eyes shine brightly as he watched him come closer. He could also see the scar on his stomach prominent behind the silhouette of his erection.
With a shaky breath and an even shakier hand he slicked up Hakkai's entrance. Hakkai hissed as Sanzo's finger experimentally pressed in. Sanzo gritted at the tightness. He leaned into Hakkai and whispered in his ear, "Relax." Hakkai nodded, speechless, as Sanzo began to thrust the digit in and out. Hakkai whimpered at the odd feeling, but did not protest. He thrust it in deeper and Hakkai's lower body twitched. After an agonizing minute of this Hakkai moaned, "More…Mm—more, Sanzo!"
Without hesitation Sanzo thrust another finger inside. Hakkai cried out, "Hah! Ahh." His head thrashed, but he seemed to like it. Sanzo scissored his fingers and whispered, "Does it hurt?"
Hakkai shook his head. "No, it just feels…good… Ahh!" His muscles fluttered around his fingers as Sanzo pressed in deeper. Sanzo was panting harshly in Hakkai's ear. Hakkai thought he couldn't take all of these sensations anymore.
"I'm—I'm ready, Sanzo. Do it," Hakkai groaned. "Do it."
Hakkai couldn't possibly be ready, but who was he to deny him? Sanzo pushed himself up and carefully removed the fingers sheathed in Hakkai's tight, wet hole. Hakkai gasped in delight when Sanzo replaced them with the slick head of his cock and pushed. "Ahhh!" he cried out as Sanzo slowly sheathed himself inside. It slipped in fairly easily with the help of lube and the bit of stretching, but it was still incredibly tight and probably didn't feel very good. Sanzo stopped, panting, and put his hands on the bed to either side of Hakkai. Hakkai smiled and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back.
"God, Sanzo, move. Fuck me!" Hakkai commanded breathlessly. He had used one of those tones, the kind that couldn't be denied. Sanzo found himself moving automatically, pulling out, then thrusting back in with enough force to drive himself in to the hilt. Hakkai cried out. Embarrassed at being so loud, Hakkai covered his mouth with his hand, but nodded at Sanzo, who had paused and was studying him.
"I can't hold back," Sanzo admitted, so quietly that only Hakkai would have been able to hear him.
"Mmm," Hakkai moaned through his palm, giving the blonde permission to lose control.
Lose control he did. He began pounding in, setting up a rather punishing rhythm that had Hakkai crying out desperately and thrashing, clinging to Sanzo and simultaneously pushing against him in an oddly sensual way.
They were speechless now as the pleasure built. Then suddenly Sanzo brushed Hakkai's prostate, and Hakkai came hard, biting his knuckles so he wouldn't scream. All that came out was a strangled, "Nnnngh!" The muscles twitching around his erection made Sanzo follow immediately after, coming silently and stiffly. He collapsed onto the lax body below and they lay there, a bundle of sweaty, satisfied limbs.
Eventually they separated, and, too tired to do much else, got under the covers and fell asleep.