All That Glitters is Not Gold
Welcome back to another chapter of my story, and many much appreciated thanks to the three people that took their time to leave me a few lines: Lachalora, Aphrodite96, and Liih Monteiro. It meant the world to me.
This is for Liih Monteiro, because she asked so nicely ;-).
Enjoy.
Chapter 12: Las Aguas
Las Aguas, 5.40 pm
With dusk approaching fast in the tropics and the rainforest vanishing from green over grey to a steady black and dark, the group was more than happy as Charlie screamed, "There, I can see fire!"
And indeed, lanterns and torches were burning, casting their eerie but most welcome light through the bushes and branches towards them. It had taken them much longer than Zee's expected 'three hours tops' to finally reach Las Aguas*. But with the rain never stopping and the soil getting muddier and softer by the second, they had come to a river crossing where the muddy water had swept along a huge chunk of earth, leaving them no choice other than crossing the river by foot despite hopping just over. They had to wade through with the murky waters up to their chests, after it had been Tommy who suggested to go first to establish a kind of 'safety line', a rope he towed to a tree which would help the others not to get flushed away by the rather vivid current. Together they had all made it across and got marked by the terracotta-coloured river – everyone was now clothed in various shades of orange and copper, with smudges of the same colour on the remaining body parts, while the rain seemed to be not powerful enough to wash away the soil stains.
"Gracias a dios*,"exclaimed Zee and hold up for a second, the perspective of a dry hut and a fire before her mind's eye. She felt relieved. Zee knew it wasn't her fault that they had reached their destination with so much delay but as she was carrying the map and the GPS, she still felt responsible.
Tommy's youthful face turned into a grin as his strides became longer and he closed the gap between him and Charlie, "If there's a bar, the first round is on me!", he exclaimed and nuzzled Charlie's shoulder, before heading towards the village, not even clearly visible through the shrubbery.
Charlie chuckled and hurried after the young plastic surgeon, "Wait up, you'll need a translator!" The Hispanic boy shouted, as he rushed past Zee, who started walking herself.
Seconds later, dogs started barking and distant voices could be heard – a sign of life and indeed the proof of being at their night's camp. They had reached Las Aguas.
Ben stood still and watched the movement of the flames through the bushes, admired the silhouettes of leaves and exhaled as he sensed the presence of the last group member closely behind him. For a moment she paused and he could not even hear her breathing as the rain drowned every sound; but he knew she was close. He simply knew.
Lily watched Ben from the side with the distant torches casting a golden shadow over his features. He seemed reluctant to go into the village. There was a frown visible on his forehead as she mustered him, yet his stance and posture were strong and unyielding as if he was ready to face whatever was coming – something Lily admired very much.
She swallowed hard and bit her lips, looked into the rainforest, and felt the stinging in her eyes while her body started to tremble slightly. Get over it, Lily, she reprimanded herself and drew in a deep breath to regain her composure. But she couldn't help it – this somehow felt like a goodbye. The last few hours Lily had spent thinking about his neutral tone and what to make of it, and she had reached the realisation that it was indeed best for them if she responded with equal neutrality. As hard as it might be, she slightly nodded her head to let the thought sink in yet again. With her mind being set on them getting along only 'as friends', no wonder she felt like this was a goodbye. Whatever possibility Ben Keeton stood for, she had decided to deny herself the chance. Her mind knew that this was for the better. He wasn't even over his wife's death, she was still recovering from her own loss, and furthermore, being down here in the jungle was supposed to be a fresh start! You're right to focus on yourself for a while, Lily, you deserve that! She told herself, as the stinging in her eyes intensified, Then, why does this feel so wrong?
Lily drew in a huge breath, calling herself to order … and succeeding. She knew that this would probably be hard, especially while she could only control herself – how Keeton would react around her was a totally different story. But you can push through this, right? And with that she faced Keeton head on, because she needed to get through this.
Her presence felt like a breeze on his soaked skin and as the feeling got unbearable, Ben turned his face towards hers and caught the shadowed picture of her biting her lip and trying to look away. She seemed to be in deep thoughts, trying to get her mind off of something.
Lily was glad for the fact that the night mantled the feelings and emotions on her face, otherwise she wouldn't have even looked into his direction. It was probably the most open view she would ever give him of her feelings. It was a mixture of longing and hope, anxiety and despair, reason and sentiment.
If he knew, and if he saw these emotions right now, understood them, and decided to react to them, she would have let him. Just this once, just to have something to remember, Lily thought, while her heart started beating faster, almost like it wished for something to happen.
Ben saw the outlines of her symmetrical face, lit by the faint glow of the fire, but her blue eyes lay in the dark. Whatever she was thinking was a mystery to him, as his facial expressions were a mystery to her. Yet, they were standing only feet apart. If it weren't for the rain, Ben thought, I'd be able to feel her radiating heat. Ben swallowed and wondered where she found the strength to gaze this openly at him without even saying a word – did she try to convey a message? And if she did, what did it say? And what did he want to reply to it? Does she want me to say anything?
Ben's heart started pounding. He knew Lily was a bit faster when dealing with emotions but he hadn't even made up his mind about their situation yet and he had sworn himself he would. He couldn't just throw all his good intents over board, now could he? But with the rain coming down hard, her standing so close, the golden shadows of fire dancing over her skin, and the clinic miles away, Ben made a careful step forward.
The hair on her arms and neck stood on end as he moved closer, like a predator closing in on its prey, "Listen, …" his voice got carried over to her even through the whooshing rain.
But it was his voice that pitchforked her out of her vulnerable state and back into the reality of here and now. Her face became stern, more controlled, her emotions became disguised again and her stance more upright. It was his voice that caused her to realise where she was and who she was with – and what she had decided to do. "Don't," she said quietly, not wanting to listen to anything he had to say. It would be better this way.
Ben stopped in his tracks. Her words felt like he had hit a road block at full speed, although still unaware of what was actually happening.
Lily saw his perplexed expression now that he was closer and felt somewhat bad for letting him in the dark about what she had decided. But maybe she would find another time to talk to him – just not now, "We should get out of the rain, Ben," her sentence was tinted with defeat, "It's been a long day," she replied quietly, before turning on her heels and walking towards Las Aguas, leaving a surprised Ben behind.
Lily pushed through the last bushes and stepped onto a clearing. Fires were burning in front of huts, torches outdared the pouring rain, and a number of men and women had gathered under the porch of a close-by house. She closed the distance towards them and suddenly found herself in the middle of some village inhabitants. Tommy, Charlie, and Zee stood right next to her as she greeted the locals with a "Buenos tardes*". It was then she realised that she was finally standing under a roof with no rain pouring down on her. Lily relaxed instantaneously. It feels good to be out of the rain.
"They have sick people all over the village and are glad we're here," Zee spoke in her direction.
"They are giving us a hut and food for the night," Charlie added, just as Keeton integrated himself into their circle, nodding his Hello to the villagers.
"Great," Keeton said, still a little shaken up by what had happened back in the jungle, "so, where can we make camp?" His fingers combed through his dark but slick hair not daring to take a look at Lily.
"¿Dónde está la cabaña para nos?*", asked Charlie, as one of the locals answered right away and showed into a certain direction. Everyone shouldered their backpacks again and wanted to follow the man in order to put their stuff into the hut, and finally into a dry space.
But Lily, who was not in the mood nor state to be close to Keeton or make any Small talk with the others right now, spoke up. She was the only one who hadn't even removed her backpack,"¿E Dónde están los enfermos? Me puede mostrarlos*?"
"¡Sígame, por favor, Señora!", a huge and lean Colombian answered eagerly.
The others looked at her with perplexed faces, somehow feeling bad for the fact that they wanted to get to a dry spot first, whereas Lily already asked for the people that needed treatment, "Wait, wait, wait Lily. Are you kidding us?" Tommy asked, the goofy grin on his face was gone and he looked at her questioningly.
Lily saw the exhausted look on her friend's face and was sure that she would have to look quite similar. It had been a long day, and a long walk. Nevertheless, she produced a warm smile that felt very convincing, "I'll be fine, Tommy, really. You guys go ahead. Whatever the size of the hut is, there'll be no room for all of us changing our clothes at once!" Lily nodded her head in encouragement, "Just don't forget to call me as soon as dinner's ready, alright?" And with that she followed the man into the village, leaving Tommy, Zee, Charlie, and especially Ben staring after her.
Ben couldn't help but felt dumbstruck as realisation started to dawn on him that she was carefully pushing him away, keeping him at a distance. Every minute another inch, he mused. She seemed to have made a decision – without him. Once again, Lily Brenner was the one who had taken matters into her own hands – and while Ben admired that quality workwise, he felt miserable knowing this had nothing to do with her being a good doctor.
Las Aguas, 9.15 pm
The hut was big enough to accommodate all of them. It was built on wooden stilts - just like every other house around here, with one large room on the 'first floor' and the cooking area 'downstairs'. Right now, a huge bonfire crackled in the middle, encompassed by charcoal-coloured river stones, most likely green granite*. Their clothes and everything their backpacks had contained hung on ropes surrounding the fire, evoking the look of an oriental harem with various layers of fabrics concealing the entrance. The rain still hadn't stopped and thundered down onto the corrugated roof of their housing.
The villagers had given them bell peppers, potatoes, beans, and some maize bread. With Charlie's help, Zee had managed to turn this into a very delicious vegetable soup, while Ben, Tommy, and Lily had worked on the sick people of the village, mostly children, all showing symptoms of mercury poisoning. Luckily, they had brought enough medication to alleviate their pains and ease their symptoms but also gave them the advice to come by the clinic in Villanubla*, as soon as they were strong enough. Now, with the village, Charlie, and Zee asleep, it was only Tommy, Ben, and Lily sitting awake by the fire.
Tommy, though, stifled a huge yawn, as he absentmindedly drew imaginary lines into the fire's embers with a branch, "Guys, I think, I have to call it a night," Tommy mumbled und pushed the branch into the fire, before he ruffled through his short hair, "See you tomorrow morning."
Ben nodded as he took a quick look to his watch, when Tommy stood up, shuffled over to the wooden rung ladder, and climbed up into the sleeping area.
"Night," Lily mumbled and realised only then that she would be alone with Keeton now - and while her mind had slowly tumbled towards sleepiness before she was suddenly wide awake again. The light of the fire was warm, a yellowy orange, and the heat felt nice on her skin, yet she needed to go, the sooner the better, "I … uhm, I better head off, too … it's been a long day," Lily said, about to stand up.
"I know what you're doing."
She swallowed and while she had wanted to stand up to follow Tommy, she remained seated, "I'm tired," she tried to defend her statement but knew the moment she said it how fake it had to sound.
Ben was just a seat away from her, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, while they were sitting on huge logs around the fireplace. He chuckled but still looked into the fire and admired its power, "You're anything but ..." So, she's lying to me now?
Lily felt nervous. Was it a bad thing she lied to her boss? Or did he stop being her boss sometime along their way here? He must have, mused Lily, as she recalled calling him Ben earlier in the jungle, clearly a line crossing event. With a deep sigh, she tried to reign in her thoughts and feelings.
"Too bad, huh, you're stuck here with me? At the clinic? And now, even in the jungle?" Ben voice seemed a bit strained. He had had the evening to think about her sudden wish to not be around him anymore and wondered what to do about it. Should he talk to her, ask her? Did he want to know what she would tell him? The fact was, he hated her newfound distance, … and here I was thinking that this morning had made our relationship a little more easy, he snorted quietly at the thought of it, "Probably your worst case scenario, isn't it?"
Lily avoided looking at him, but the hurt tone in his voice caused her alarm system to go off, and her head to finally turn to him. It was not only the hurt in his voice, but the anger building up inside her, causing her to straighten up, leaning forward, "What do you mean?" Her heart made a nervous leap.
He wasn't even drunk yet the exhaustion of the day, his mixed feelings for her and now, them sitting by the fire, had loosened an emotional avalanche, "Well, you're clearly not wanting my company," Ben licked his lips, still not facing her, since he found it difficult to open up. His voice was still dangerously low, "trying to find every opportunity to get away," His dark blue eyes were livid.
Lily's jaw tightened and she knew what he was referring to, "You know why," she replied, her lips tight, I tried to tell you, she added silently.
It was then he finally looked up and over to her, her huge blue eyes watching him intently. "Yeah, so you say … or decided for yourself," the hurt was oozing out of his tone.
Her brow furrowed, is he trying to hurt me back? For a moment, Lily didn't know what to answer but then she thought about her decision again, and about his incapability to decide things for himself, "Exactly, Ben!" she spat out, "Because someone had to make a decision," Why on earth were they having this kind of conversation here? This argument? Out here in the jungle? Now? With no opportunity to go their separate ways to cool off afterwards? If they did talk about this right now, there was no turning back or avoiding the other – what happened tonight around this fire would have to accompany them through the jungle.
Her exclamation suggested that he wasn't the one to make any decisions, not concerning their relationship, at least. So she had taken matters into her own hand and made the decision herself – and Ben hated it, although he knew how right she probably was. He had always been someone to face personal problems with a delay but right now it bugged him to know she had made this one without him … and confronted him with accomplished facts. Especially, when he didn't like the facts at all.
The truth was, he really had a hard time opening up towards people – even Lily, who had actually made it very easy for him. With her denying him her support from now on, he felt like he had been kicked back into a ditch just as he was reaching up for a helping hand – and that feeling hurt. Deeply. "Right, Lily ... and it must have been really awful for you to be stuck with someone who doesn't really know what he wants and who's unable to make a clear decision," he snorted, and stretched out his long legs in an attempt to get rid of his constricted feeling, "When I was at least expecting it, you came along … forcing me to think about all that I have been so desperately trying to forget, and then you wanted me to react in a certain way …"
Lily stopped breathing, as her name left his lips. He had never called her by her first name. But she was shocked by everything he said afterwards, accusing her of pressuring him. Was he trying to lay this all on her? Blame and hurt her? "STOP right there!" She said forcefully, her fingernails drilling into the log she was sitting on as her heart beat quickened, not because of excitement but from anger and frustration, "Seriously, I am not forcing you to do anything, Ben, and I never have." She frowned while watching him beside her. It was a mix of lost hope, longing, and despair she felt towards him, while tears started to rim her eyes. This is going to be the worst trip of my entire life, Lily thought.
Ben looked up, the expression in his eyes equalling hers. Yet her stern voice captured him and he listened.
"I am not pressuring you in any way. I'm actually trying to take the pressure off!" She almost hissed, while her upper body went rigid. After all, she was the one had who decided to leave him be in order to let him sort out his problems, and for them to go back to a normal relationship.
Their eye contact did not break as the fire between them became slowly smaller, crackled, and danced. The intensity between them was palpable and Lily wasn't sure if it was still the fire's heat or the sparks they were shooting at each other. Various thoughts spooked around in her mind – between not wanting to get hurt, wanting to start over, and finally allowing herself to feel freely again.
Lily somehow felt like this conversation wasn't going anywhere. He hadn't thought about what he wanted or could offer her, while she had decided to retrieve, "Let's call it a night, Ben, before either of us says something we'll regret," they would have to postpone this conversation to another time, knowing fully well that neither of them knew what they were doing. Lily swallowed sadly, hating the dead end they were stuck in. "I'll better go to bed," she softly said, swallowed down everything she so desperately wished to tell him, before she stood up and closed the distance towards the ladder.
"NO," he said forcefully, with his voice nearly breaking, and stood up. He knew that if he let her go, like he had in the jungle this evening, she would close herself off again. So he made a choice right there and then – to not let her leave this easy. They had started talking just now, nobody was around, and they were on safe territory since this wasn't the clinic. Where if not here? When if not now? And maybe Ben was tired of thinking everything through; what if acting on impulse was something that would actually bring them forward? "Don't go," he said as he moved closer.
Lily stopped dead in her tracks, and wished she heard wrong, "Ben," he was coming into her direction and she was with her back against a wall. She had nowhere to go and she swallowed a huge lump down her throat, anxious to turn around as the tears flooded her eyes.
"Let me finish for once!" He said calmly and closed in on her, his steps on the dry earth sounded muffled.
Lily turned around, her eyes burning with unshed tears, frustration, and insecurity, "We have to stop this, Ben. That's what I wanted to tell you all the time … I just …" She withdrew a little more, a futile attempt to leave. His closeness was unbearable.
You just couldn't, Ben thought and knew exactly how she was feeling because he was feeling it, too. His pulse quickened as he came to a halt close to her. The dried brown locks clung to her face and the coppery soil had stained her blue t-shirt, yet she was mesmerizing and he had to swallow to not loose his train of thought.
"This isn't healthy, I'm sick of thinking about how to react around you. Here, at the clinic. It's taking its toll on me … and right now, with everything that's happened to me in the past, I am not willing to pay the price. I can't take the risk of letting me fall, not if I know exactly that you'll catch me!" She choked out and carried on, with her voice bordering on a desperate plea, "… and I know you can't guarantee me that." She was referring to his own past, the death of his wife and child, and his complicated relationship with Ryan. And those thoughts finally crushed her security walls, as the first tear escaped her eye and meandered down her cheek, "So, please, Ben, unless you really can … just stop. Please, just stop!" Her blue eyes looked up in a desperate attempt to call to his reason, "Don't make this so difficult."
It broke his heart to see her so vulnerable, so fragile, and desperate. She was usually the strong one, not letting feelings interfere with her actions. But here she was, standing in front of him, asking him either to be there for her completely or walk away. The palms of his hands became sweaty at the sight of her teary eyes and he felt the urge to come even closer, to be nearer. I want to let her know that I can be what she needs me to be, I want to be the one she needs me to be! Ben swallowed as these thoughts settled in. This was indeed huge and the enormity of his sudden feelings scared him. His one hand carefully reached out towards the small of her back, while the other came to rest on her shoulder.
"Don't, Ben," she almost wailed upon his touch, "I warned you."
It was in this moment he knew how much alike they really were – both damaged, hurt, and with a distant hope to move on, "So, tell me, why can't I stop, then?" He whispered forcefully, hating the fact that he was making her cry, while he still didn't know a definite answer to his question, only knowing how much more at ease he felt in her presence, "Why can't I get you off my mind? Why can't I stop looking at you? Why do I want to be what you're asking me to be?" His voice faded.
She pressed her lips together at his confession. He was giving her an insight into his mind. Ben Keeton was caring for her. So much indeed, he was considering to let go off his past and to move on … for her … but much more important – with her, "Because you feel comfortable around me …", she replied in an unsuccessful attempt to play his feelings down.
He shook his head, "It's more than that, Lily …" he whispered, as his hand found the nape of her neck and his thumb began to caress the spot right below her ponytail, "… you know it's more than that."
"It can't be more," Lily chocked out – one last attempt at reason. But she knew she had already lost the battle.
Ben was sure he had never seen someone more beautiful yet so irritating – her huge blue eyes did not back down, as he moved closer, never breaking the contact, too afraid to loose the bond they had between them, "It will be." Her huge, watery eyes looked up towards him – waiting for something – and it was then he decided to let go and pull her with him.
Within seconds Ben's lips came crashing down onto Lily's, as her force of attraction became unbearable for him. She tasted salty from her tears and hesitated for a second upon that taste. But as he realised that she was responding to his kiss and her hands found their way to the pectoral muscles of his chest, he continued his passionate kiss. He gently pushed her back against the wall and covered her front completely. Ben's hand pulled her flush against his chest, as the other trailed up towards her cheek.
This somehow felt like a goodbye kiss – urgent, desperate, and forceful. They were clinging to each other, with Ben holding her tight and Lily searching his broad shoulders for support. They exhaled in inhaled only shortly, taking what they could get as long this haze would last. Their eyes were closed as the seconds passed and the fire sizzled behind them.
His neck was soft and smooth, and as Lily's fingers travelled into his hairline, his grip on her waist tightened, causing her to moan into his mouth. This was everything she had imagined – every imaginary kiss and better, because she could really feel it: His warm body pressed against her, his hands holding her tight as if he would never ever let her go. All her intentions were gone, long forgotten and replaced by the sensation Ben was causing within her. She couldn't even remember her intentions anymore … all she could think of was the kiss they were sharing.
There was a sad desperation in their passionate kiss, because neither of them knew what would happen if it ended. And neither wanted it to end, because it would mean that they were back at the start – with nothing achieved, other than more complications brought on by the kiss. But neither stopped. They simply couldn't.
Her small form in his arms felt wonderful – she was firm and soft at once, and is was easy to understand what she wanted. Their kiss felt natural. Even their hands moved in unison as they delved deeper into their labyrinth of feelings – endless and twisted. As she brushed a hand over his hair and cheek, he nearly lost himself in her and used both his hands to pull her closer, while their tongues duelled in a ferocious attempt to hold on to this moment.
They were both blinded by the intensity of their feelings for each other. All good intentions were gone – now it was just taking what they could get. Reacting now, thinking later. And it felt good. So good.
With one last passionate kiss and Ben's arm completely wrapped around Lily's small waist, she gasped for air and opened her hazed eyes, dark with excitement and the hunger for more. Her forehead came to rest on his, as they both tried to regain their breathing. Her hand moved to the spot over his heart and she felt his elevated heartbeat right away. He's as excited as I am, Lily nervously thought and tried to reign in her breathing.
They didn't look at each other, just lingered in the moment, afraid anything they would say would suddenly bring the world around them to a sudden end.
Ben loved the feeling of her forehead against his. It felt cool and soft, while her smell was intoxicating to him. His eyes were still closed as he suddenly chuckled. He somehow felt light-hearted as if the kiss had been his signpost in the right direction and nothing to be worried about, "I have to keep in mind that kissing you is the right method to stop you from objecting me," He pressed a careful kiss to the crown of her head, taking in the smell of her hair, pulling her even closer to his firm body.
Lily carefully smiled to herself, grateful for the fact that they were still able to joke with each other and that the seriousness of their situation hadn't changed them. She felt like a knot had been loosened within her – as if now everything seemed clearer. Although it isn't, she scolded herself. Yet, her hands rounded Ben's torso and folded behind his back, "I'll be looking forward to that at work," she mumbled and nestled herself into him even more.
Ben smiled to himself – not only because she had made a funny return, but about the mental picture of him kissing her at the clinic whenever she had a different opinion than him. Would come down to a lot of kissing, he calculated and tightened his embrace, grateful for the fact that the moment now didn't feel awkward at all, rather comfortable. And that made him hopeful. He suddenly felt as content with himself than he had in a long time.
Unsure of what the future, let alone the next few days would bring, Lily lingered in the moment. The feeling of being in someone's strong arms, feeling absolutely secure, was breathtaking. Knowing that these were Ben Keeton's arms, was mind-blowing. Again, her intentions had hopped overboard as soon as the ship began sinking, but here she was now … in his arms, knowing about his feelings for her … and believing that everything from now on would have to be a walk in the park. Right? "Ben Keeton, you'll be the death of me," she whispered towards his ears, while she listened to his calming heartbeat.
With one of his rare smiles, a sparkle in his eyes, and without another spoken word, he bent down and captured her lips in another kiss that showed her what being alive really felt like.
Hope you all enjoyed Ben's and Lily's first kiss as much as I did. But not everything will be a "walk in the park" from now on, but I'm sure you all have figured as much ;-).
Leave a comment if you like and stay tuned for the next chapter.
K.
* Spanish translations and additional info:
"Las Aguas" – the name of the village they are in right now. Their first camp in the jungle. Since the village is located right next to a river – and agua means water – I figured it'd be okay to call a village "the waters".
"Gracias a dios" – Zee's exclamation as she's happy to finally be in Las Aguas – can be directly translated to "Thank God!"
"Buenos tardes" – Lily greets the villagers with a "Good evening" as she finally steps under the roof of a house.
"¿Dónde está la cabaña para nos?" – the villagers were kind enough to provide a hut for our group and Charlie is asking the locals where this hut is.
"¿E Dónde están los enfermos? Me puede mostrarlos?" – As Lily doesn't want to be anywhere near Keeton, she decides to take care of the villages sick people immediately. Therefore she asks the locals: "And where are the sick people? Can you show them to me?"
"¡Sígame, por favor, Señora!" – upon Lily's request to see the sick people, a Colombian man answers her right away: "Follow me, please, Miss!"
"green granite" – Green granite is a form of the granite stone. Granites can be found in various colours, depending on their chemistry and mineralogy.
"Villanubla" – the imaginative name I gave the village where the clinic is situated in; The doctors' "home base".