Chapter 8: Looking After You

February, First Year

Sitting in the potion supplies closet just down the hall from Professor Sylvester's office, I tried not to tap my foot in impatience as I waited for any sound that might signal Santana's return to Hogwarts. I couldn't make too much noise, or someone might notice I was here instead of in Herbology where I was supposed be. My book was open in my lap as I tried to read about magical systems of manure so I wouldn't be behind in class, but every few minutes I kept standing up and poking my head out of the door to listen for her voice.

It had been strange sleeping without her next to me after I'd got used to it again after the holidays. She'd been gone for a week now and I missed her. Sometimes I heard her crying in my dreams and I woke up to comfort her, but she wasn't there. Sometimes I thought I heard Tony crying too. That was worse, I thought. Because as horrible as hearing some cry is, it was worse when I'd wake up and realise I'd never hear him cry or make any sort of sound again.

I spoke to one of the ghosts about dying, and he said they celebrate deathdays. So I wrote it down on my calendar - 28th January, Antonio Lopez deathday. But then I got really upset every time I saw my calendar, so I ended up throwing it out the window one morning when I got a bit too upset. Sugar looked at me like I was crazy, and even though I'd been a bit confused about the days of the week in the past few days without Santana to help me, it was better than being reminded about Tony every morning. The school nurse, Madam Pillsbury, had called me into her office to talk the same day that Santana went home for the funeral. She gave me this weird leaflet about how to deal with not being allowed at a funeral. I'm not sure I'd have wanted to be at the funeral anyway, though. On TV people are always crying and dressed in black, which is such a depressing colour. Funerals are depressing anyway, so why can't people dress colourfully to make it not so sad?

Santana was back today though. I didn't know what time, so I'd skipped all my classes so far to sit in this closet so I'd be there as soon as she needed me. I'd found the perfect place to take her so we'd be away from everyone else and she could have whatever she needed, but I'd been sitting there for hours and I was starting to worry that I'd got the date wrong again.

"Miss Lopez… back…"

I jumped to my feet, knocking over the bucket I was sitting on with a loud bang. Never mind though, because Santana was here now! I stuffed my Herbology book in my bag and swung it over my shoulder, knocking over a mop, and moved to the edge of the closet to peer outside. Professor Sylvester was still talking to Santana, but then she was outside and being told something about how she could go back to classes tomorrow not today. The moment she started down the hallway in the direction of the Slytherin common room I stepped out of my hiding place and called after her.

"Santana!"

She turned, and I was glad to see she hadn't been crying today. She didn't look very happy, but she didn't look completely broken, like she had been the last time I'd seen her when Professor Sylvester came to collect her from class or when I'd found her on Christmas Day.

"Come with me, I know where we can go," I told her as I approached, gently taking her hand and leading her in the opposite direction. There was no one about to see us and soon we arrived in the right place. Santana was silent the whole time we walked, and I didn't try to talk either until it was needed. "So, I found this place a few days ago. Artie was reading about it in Hogwarts, A History and I thought it would be great for us, so I hunted until I found it. You just need to walk back and forth over there, and think about anything that you need right now. Any place you want to be, anything you want to do."

She looked at me like I was crazy and I thought she was going to argue, but then she went over to where I had pointed and started walking back and forth. I remembered doing the same through all the hallways on several floors until I finally got lucky and the door had appeared. As I watched Santana pace it became visible once again in the opposite wall.

"Santana, it's done. It's the Room of Requirement," I told her with a smile. She was surprised, but still didn't speak. She'd mentioned it before, but we didn't really know what it was or where to find it until I'd finally found out from Artie. Maybe she wouldn't dislike him so much now he'd helped me find this for us. "Come on."

I took her hand again and pushed open the door, pulling her through to view whatever she had created. I stopped the moment I realised what it was. Quidditch posters hung from the walls and a green duvet was heaped up on one end of the bed. Photos were everywhere, of… Tony. Tony on a broomstick, Tony in a family portrait, Tony with his muggle friends from school, Tony and Santana.

"I just wanted to feel near him again," Santana whispered in explanation. "That's all I was thinking of, being near him. They got Edlyn to clear out his room already, I thought I'd never see it like this again." She moved stiffly to run her fingers over one picture frame of her helping him stay on a broomstick. Then she went to his wardrobe and pulled it open to see lots of boys' clothes hanging up and shoes piled untidily on the bottom of the wardrobe.

I watched her as she made her way around the room, suddenly wondering if this had been a good idea or not. Was I just making it worse, reminding her of what she couldn't have? She'd wished for this, but… maybe she didn't know what else to wish for that might make her happy. She didn't look like she was going to cry, though. And she'd started speaking again.

After doing several full circles of the room, Santana finally stopped at the bed. She picked at the duvet carefully, drawing it up to her face and breathing it in. She crawled onto the bed, hugging it tightly, and I didn't know what to do. Had I made her break again?

She looked straight at me, and released one hand from the duvet to hold it out towards me. I walked to the bed to take her hand, and she pulled me up next to her. One of her arms remained wrapped around Tony's duvet and the other curled around me, holding me close.

"Thank you," she whispered, then returned to the silence she seemed to like so much now.

That night was the first in a week that I got through without nightmares. I woke up in Brittany's arms the next morning, surrounded by all things Tony and it brought a little comfort that his presence hadn't been completely forgotten yet. All the posters I had bought him over the years whenever he begged me when we were at Diagon Alley; the tiny little figurines of famous quidditch players; the box of his old favourite toys he was too old to play with now but too sentimental to throw away just yet. His smell pervaded the whole room - that horrible, musty boy smell I used to hate so much. At home, his door was permanently shut. I'd tried sneaking in there only to find that Edlyn had taken down the posters and cleaned the room so it didn't feel like him anymore. And I knew that all of this wasn't really Tony's, but it was the closest I would ever get now.

Brittany stirred next to me, her eyes fluttering open, and my attention shifted to her. I wanted to tell her everything about the past week. I wanted to explain that Tony had at least died without pain, in his sleep. I wanted to talk about singing a song for him at the funeral. But I couldn't find the words. It felt like there was a permanent lump stuck in my throat that wouldn't let me speak. I heard her say good morning, but I couldn't reply.

"Do… do you want to go to lessons today? I know Professor Sylvester said you should, but you don't have to. Do you want to?"

I nodded. I was back at Hogwarts now. I needed everything to go back to normal. I needed to go to class and do homework and eat with all the other students, because if I didn't have that routine I thought I might just fall apart from not knowing what to do.

I was in a daze as Brittany helped untangle me from Tony's duvet, which I had somehow wrapped around us both during the night. She pulled me towards the door and I at least remembered to hold her little finger instead of her hand, even though I was desperate for the contact. There were going to be enough stares and whispers today without adding any more fuel to the fire. I paused at the door, turning back to look around again. I didn't want to leave. I knew I couldn't stay, that I shouldn't, but I wanted to more than anything. I wanted to lie in this room in Tony's presence and talk to the room like he could hear me.

"It'll be here later, Santana," Brittany said quietly. "We can come back here any time, and you just think the same as what you were thinking yesterday, and it will come back the same. I promise."

I nodded, stepping out of the room with her then watching as the door faded away like it had never existed. The hallway was still empty - it was too early yet for most students to be up.

"Let's go to your dorm and get ready, then we'll get some breakfast, okay?"

I allowed her to lead me down to the dungeons and into the Slytherin common room. Berry was awake already of course, humming to herself as she read a book on one of the sofas, but one look at me and she went silent. I was disconnected, but I could feel a small smirk on my lips at her obvious fear of me. She hadn't been able to look me in the eye since she'd started talking that time… The anger swelled up again without warning and I think she saw it, because she shrank back.

"Leave her, Santana," Brittany murmured, pulling on my arm. This time I only followed her because my tongue wouldn't function enough to form the words I wanted to spit at Berry. She led me into my dorm, sitting me down on the bed then moving to my chest of drawers to pull out my Hogwarts uniform, making me realise I was still dressed in the same jeans and t-shirt I had been wearing when I arrived back yesterday. I stiffly lifted an arm to reach out for the uniform but she placed it on the bed instead, kneeling in front of me. I frowned at her, confused, but then she reached out and started lifting my t-shirt.

She only pulled it up enough to reveal my stomach before noticing I had frozen. I was staring at her, trying to make my mind function properly so I could make sense of this. My skin burned where her fingers were brushing against my ribcage and I couldn't tear my eyes away from hers.

"Santana?" She glanced down as she tried to pull the t-shirt further up past my arms, but with the eye contact broken I could finally move away. I shuffled backwards on the bed, not able to look at her as I pulled the curtain around my bed, blocking her view. There was too much other shit going on in my head right now, I didn't have the energy to fight the awkwardness with her that was so frequent these days. I'd just have to avoid it as much as possible, even though I hated the thought of hurting Brittany. I could picture her, standing on the other side of the curtain looking confused, and I started changing quickly so she wouldn't have to wait too long. I took a breath before climbing out in my uniform, to find her watching me. I couldn't stand that sad look, so I grabbed her little finger and pulled her back towards the stairs. Even if I'd had control of my voice I wouldn't have known what to say to make her feel better about the fact that I was shutting her out.

I felt the stares the moment we entered the Great Hall. There weren't many people there yet apart from the teachers and quite a few Ravenclaws, but it seemed like every one of them was looking at me, whether directly or while pretending to be interested in something else. They all must know. Rumours spread fast in Hogwarts - I'd always contributed enthusiastically to that, but now I wished every one of those people talking about Tony could just have their mouths sewn shut. We sat at the Hufflepuff table, because more of them were too intimidated to talk to me than the Slytherins.

Brittany was talking now but I was finding it difficult to pay attention to what she was saying. Every time I saw someone glance my way I started wondering what they were thinking. Were they feeling sorry for me? Were they searching for tears from the normally fearless Santana Lopez? Were they laughing inside that I somehow couldn't form a word? I tried to pay attention to Brittany's words. Her eyes were scared, but I still couldn't find it in myself to reply to anything she said, except to nod or shake my head.

I'd been quiet ever since the funeral. Edlyn was ordered not to speak of it and even though my parents were home they didn't really talk either. The whole house was quiet, but sometimes at night I thought I heard mamá crying. It was like I'd got so used to the silence that I couldn't shake it off. I'd managed to speak to Brittany for a little bit yesterday, but I hadn't even replied to Professor Sylvester after I got back.

And then I realised I was inside my own head again, and Brittany was staring at me looking even more upset than she had before. Unable to reassure her with words, I squeezed her little finger and gave her a small smile. It seemed to relax her a little, but not as much as I'd hoped. I knew I wasn't right - I wasn't supposed to be right, my brother had just freaking died - but I still couldn't stand to see Brittany upset.

She stopped trying to make conversation and we ate breakfast in silence. For the rest of the day, I could feel eyes on me as I walked the corridors with Brittany always glued to my side. It was the teachers as much as the students, and I knew they were just worried but it was driving me crazy. Every look, every concerned glance was a reminder. I wanted everyone to treat me like normal! How was I supposed to feel like everything was okay when they were constantly checking up on me?

The whole day that lump stayed in my throat and I couldn't say a word. When flying class arrived at the end of the day, I was glad. Professor Beiste wouldn't expect me to say anything. She'd just expect me to fly as well as I normally did. Brittany wouldn't be so worried because Brittany always felt better when she got to fly. She'd probably try and stay worried anyway, but there's something about flying that just transforms her.

I vaguely listened to Professor Beiste warning us all about the dangers of bludgers and took my beater's bat when it was offered to me. Brittany looked terrified at the idea that there would be bludgers flying around when I hadn't even been able to concentrate on cutting up beetle eyes right in Potions just half an hour ago, but I was warming up to the idea of directing my pent-up energy at a magical ball. We were flying in small groups so that Professor Beiste could make sure we were all safe. I was placed with Azimio, Karofsky, Puck and Brittany. Puck patted me on the shoulder in his terrible attempt to comfort me and I shrugged him off, pushing away from the ground.

I swung the bat carefully in my right hand, looking forward to this. Professor Beiste was below us, making sure we were all ready, and finally she released the bludger. It flew straight towards Azimio and he managed to swivel, hitting it up as instructed. It turned midway in the air and came down towards me. I readied myself, clenching the bat then striking upwards with as much force as I could muster, placing all my anger into that hit. It flew much higher than when Azimio had hit it and I grinned in satisfaction. This was just what I needed. The ball came back to me again and I did the same, straight up.

Professor Beiste was complimenting me from below but I wasn't listening. All I focused on was that one bludger. I got nervous the first time it flew to Brittany but she managed it well. Professor Beiste, seeing we were doing fine, set off to start up the next group.

It became a competition; who could hit the bludger the highest. Karofsky beat my height first, all his disgusting bulkiness giving him an unfair advantage. Eventually it was just him and Azimio, both trying to best each other. I watched, my interest waning as the bludger repeatedly returned to the two of them. Azimio was winning, and Karofsky was getting mad. What was the point of being here, able to release my anger when the stupid ball wouldn't even come near me? Brittany was getting bored too. The bludger had come to her the least because she wasn't hitting it very high, and as I watched her she started examining the bat in her hands.

It happened fast. Karofsky yelled wordlessly in frustration as he hit the bludger, not bothering to direct it properly into the sky. The heavy ball flew across the circle we were in straight towards Brittany, but when the lump in my throat finally cleared to shout a warning it was too late. There was blood, and she was falling, and I was shouting as I dived down after her. I didn't even process what I was shouting but my voice was back, and there was no way I could reach Britt in time before she hit the floor. I practically fell off my own broom scrabbling towards her. I was… she was… the blood, the blood!

"Britt, tell me you're okay. Talk to me, please. Please, Brittany," I murmured, my heart beating like a drum. I cradled her head carefully in my hands. Her eyes flickered open and I let out a gasp of relief, seeing her searching until she met my eyes.

"Ugggh…" She lifted a hand to her chin where the majority of the blood was located. Now I knew she was awake I was a bit calmer, but my breathing was still coming faster than it should. I could see she wasn't hurt as badly as I'd feared, though. "Is it gross?" she whispered, turning her head to look at me. She prodded the large cut I could now see on her cheek and winced. There were tears in her eyes, but she wasn't letting them fall. She was just watching me, trusting me.

"Out of the way everyone!" Professor Beiste commanded, parting the crowd I hadn't even realised had gathered around us. Suddenly Brittany was being helped to her feet by our teacher, who was thoroughly checking her over. "Don't worry, you'll live, it's just a bit of a cut and bruise." She was looking more at me than Brittany when she said that. "I'll take you to the hospital and Madam Pillsbury can get you all fixed up, yeah? Everyone else stay here! Those bludgers are not to be touched under any circumstances, understood? I will be out again soon and everyone is to stay on the ground until I return!"

I took a step to follow them, but then a voice from behind stopped me. Karofsky. He did this to her. He did this to my Brittany because he couldn't keep a hold on his temper. I spun on one foot, finding him immediately. He looked worried, his eyes on Brittany and Professor Beiste, but he was sure as hell going to look a whole lot more worried when I was done with him.

"Karofsky, what do you think you're playing at?" I hissed, making my way towards him. His eyes flicked to me. He understood the situation immediately and took a few steps back.

"I… It was an accident, Santana. I'm sorry, I honestly didn't mean to-"

My wand was out and I shoved it against his chest, pushing him further back.

"You hurt Brittany. And what's the golden rule everyone knows? Don't. Hurt. Brittany."

He tried to recover his pride a little by standing straighter and looking down at me - like that was ever going to stop me. Stupid boys thinking they can intimidate me just because they're taller.

"Like I said, it was an accident. You don't need to get all-"

"But I do, Karofsky. You think just because it was an accident that makes it okay? You hurt Brittany. You don't get away with that." He opened his mouth to speak again, but I didn't let him get any further. "Densaugeo! Aculeum verrucae! Nocapillos!" The hexes flew out of my mouth one after the other and Karofsky was knocked over by the force of them all at once. I watched, and didn't have to wait long for the effects to begin. His front teeth began growing first, then the warts appeared all over his body. He started scratching desperately at them as they stung him, but my magic was not done yet. He didn't even realise his hair was falling out until he caught someone laughing - a Gryffindor boy with perfectly groomed hair. Then he caught sight of his hair scattered in the grass around him and put a hand to his now completely bald head.

I smirked as I turned away to find Brittany, hearing his yell of frustration and embarrassment. My work was done. No one would hurt her again, and if anyone dared to look at me for the rest of the day it would be out of fear, not pity. I left the rest of the class to be entertained by the havoc my hexes had caused for Karofsky, embracing the sudden feeling of power.

I found Brittany in the Hospital Wing quickly, and Karofsky's idiocy faded from my mind. The blood on her face had been cleared up and she was lying calmly on one of the beds, examining her face in a mirror. She looked up the moment I entered.

"Santana!"

I smiled in response, taking another step towards her, examining her for damage I hadn't noticed before. "How are you?"

She smiled back, visibly brightening. "You're speaking again."

I shifted where I stood, trying to come up with an explanation. "Yeah. I'm… sorry. I just… I couldn't. I-"

"It's okay, Santana. I'm just happy I can talk to you again."

"Good," I replied, stepping forward properly to slide onto the bed with her. "Now how are you, really? Is anything broken? How long do you have to stay in here?"

She laughed, and I allowed the noise to reverberate like music in my ears.

"I'm fine, I promise. It was just a bit of a cut and Madam Pillsbury got rid of it really soon - she cleaned my face first, though. I don't know why, 'cause it was dirty again once she was done and she had to clean it again."

"Never mind Madam Pillsbury. You're staying here until I'm sure you're okay. Now do you want anything? Fruit, chocolate, books-"

"Santana, stop fussing. I'm supposed to be the one looking after you, not the other way round," she added with concern.

I brushed it aside, pushing my feelings behind an internal wall.

"No, I'm looking after you. You're injured, you need the best care and that Madam Pillsbury isn't going to give it to you."

I realised this was what I needed; some sort of distraction, in the form of Brittany, that would keep me grounded while I tried to sort out my head. If I could just focus on Brittany, I could forget about my own problems. It would work. It had to.