Chapter 19
December 1973
Jack was lying on his back, staring up at the roof of the tent. He could hear Ennis breathing next to him as he slept, and Jack liked being here with him. But he just couldn't settle down, even after what they'd just been doing. Thoughts were swirling around his head and he couldn't switch off.
It had been ten years since he and Ennis had met, and Jack couldn't help but feel that they hadn't made much progress at all. He no longer asked Ennis about living together, but he'd decided to just leave it with him since Ennis knew what he wanted. He still hoped that one day, Ennis would come around and realise that they needed to be together.
I love him so much, Jack thought to himself, listening to Ennis breathe. An' I know he loves me; told me himself last time. Just wish we could say it out loud to each other...it could change everythin' an' we could be together. It ain't no guarantee that somebody would hurt us if we lived together; we could be real quiet, say we're half-brothers or cousins or somethin'...there's gotta be a way. But...it's like...he don't even wanna try.
Jack swallowed past the lump in his throat, praying that it wasn't true. He knew that Ennis loved him, and Ennis had confirmed that he did want to live with him. He was simply too scared of what might happen; of losing Jack.
He shook his head and rolled onto his side, facing Ennis; his cowboy looked so peaceful tonight, like he didn't have a care in the world. Jack wished he could make Ennis look like that all the time. It might be possible if they lived together.
With trembling fingers, Jack reached out and gently stroked Ennis's curls, liking how they felt against his skin. Despite being thirty, Ennis was just as beautiful as Jack had always thought of him. They were adults now, and Jack knew that if they had a ranch together they could make it work. They had life experience and Jack knew they could be happy together.
He saw Ennis smile in his sleep, and Jack wondered what he was dreaming about. Hope it's me, he thought to himself. God, Ennis...I love you so much.
He drew his hand away and Ennis stirred, clearly waking up. Jack winced as he realised that he'd woken Ennis up, which he hadn't wanted to do. The deep brown eyes opened and blinked a few times before meeting his. "Jack?"
"Sorry," Jack said to him, feeling guilty. "Didn't mean to wake you..." Ennis yawned.
"S'alright...what's up?"
Jack shrugged and fiddled with the sheet. "Nothin'...just thinkin' about stuff." Ennis knew what that meant; Jack had been thinking about them and wishing it could be more. He longed to tell Jack how he felt; maybe that would make Jack feel better about everything.
"Oh. You okay?"
"I guess. But, um...Ennis, could we...? I know we did it a few hours ago, but..." Ennis covered his hand gently, knowing that Jack needed this.
"It's okay, darlin'. We can, if you want." He leaned over and pressed his lips to Jack's, feeling Jack exhale in relief. Their earlier coupling had been hard and fast, but Ennis seemed to know that it had to be slower now. He liked being gentle with Jack, making love to him tenderly and drawing out every moment of it.
Jack kissed him back desperately, thankful that Ennis knew what he needed. They kissed a few times and Jack rolled onto his back, pulling Ennis over him. Their eyes met in the darkness and Ennis looked down into his lover's face, wishing he could just say what he felt. But this would have to do; he had to show Jack how he felt.
They kissed again and Jack wrapped his arms around Ennis's neck, needing contact. When things got like this, he needed kisses and embraces and soft touches, and Ennis was very good at giving them to him. Ennis gently took hold of Jack's hips and pulled him a little closer, then slid his hands up to cup Jack's face.
Jack pulled his lips away, breathing deeply. "Need you, Ennis...come on..." Ennis nodded and grabbed the lube, smoothing it over himself and spreading Jack's legs apart. Jack let out a shaky breath as Ennis penetrated him, finally feeling complete. He was certain that Ennis was his soul mate, and he longed for them to be together all the time. He needed this man in his life.
When he was fully inside Jack, Ennis held him close as he slowly moved inside him, taking it at the pace Jack needed and wanted. He closed his eyes and buried his face in Jack's neck, remembering to touch Jack wherever he could. It was working; Jack was in pure bliss at what Ennis was doing and he kissed Ennis's skin where he could reach it. "Ennis...oh God...I..."
Ennis pulled his head up and captured Jack's lips again as he moved a little faster, sliding one hand down to Jack's erection and taking hold of it. All it took was a few strokes and a few more thrusts, and they were at that place. Ennis shot inside Jack with a groan, and Jack bucked until he came between them, letting out a low moan of pleasure.
They collapsed together and Ennis kissed Jack's cheek, hoping that he'd made Jack feel better. He pulled out and looked down at Jack; the deep blue eyes were watching him and Jack was smiling, caressing his face. "That was good...thanks, bud."
"No problem, darlin'. You reckon you can sleep now?" Jack nodded and they disentangled themselves, then Jack rolled onto his side and Ennis spooned up behind him, sensing that Jack needed to be held tonight. "S'alright, bud. Gonna be okay..."
"Mmm," Jack sighed, pulling Ennis's arm closer around him. "I know, cowboy." He silently told Ennis that he loved him and closed his eyes, not sure if he felt any better than he had before.