Song for this chapter: watch?v=6zoQvBz6Vmg

Chapter 15: Nothing

April, Fifth Year

I slipped into the warm water slowly, letting out a sigh as I felt my muscles relax under the heat. Quidditch practice today had been brutal, even though the final against Slytherin wasn't until June, and every muscle in my body was aching. There was nothing I would rather be doing at that moment than be in the prefects' bathroom with Santana. She was swimming back and forth like she always did when I undressed and climbed in, pretending she wasn't watching me even though we both knew she was. I never understood why she still kept up that pretence, but I didn't bother asking - she always pretended not to hear or changed the subject.

I ducked under the water to fully submerge myself, closing my eyes so the many colourful bubbles wouldn't sting and holding my breath as the calm washed over me. I felt something brush against my arm and slowly broke the surface of the water to find Santana bobbing next to me. She was smiling, and I smiled back. This was our time. We didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing or interrupting or being late. Mike was happily buried in the library already studying for his OWLs and Puck was in detention, which meant that tonight was just me and Santana.

She leaned in to kiss me softly, her lips barely brushing against mine, and I smiled wider. I stepped closer, trailing my fingers up her arm as I met her lips again, kissing her slowly and savouring every moment. I looped my arms lazily around her neck to pull her closer, one hand running through her hair. This was my favourite time with Santana. When we could go as slow as we liked, and I could notice every tiny detail. When she wasn't mad, and we didn't have to worry about the rules because no one was around anyway. Her arms moved around my back and she gently pulled me against her. Her body pressed against mine and something stirred inside me, but for now I just focused on kissing Santana because we had all night to do other stuff. Santana didn't seem to mind that we weren't hurrying either - sometimes she tried to make everything go fast, but tonight she was happy to go as slow as I wanted. I slipped my tongue into her mouth to dance with hers, and our lips moved together in unison.

I heard a noise but I didn't investigate, instead starting to kiss Santana harder as I yearned for more of her. Except then I heard a gasp, and suddenly Santana was flying away from me. I swivelled in the direction of the gasp to see Quinn frozen in the doorway, her mouth open and her eyes wide. I glanced across at Santana and she was frozen too, apart from little tremors running through her body. She wasn't looking at me, just at Quinn. I looked between them. What was I supposed to do? This was bad. How did Quinn even get in? We always lock the door…

My stomach turned to lead when I realised I had been so eager to get in the bath with Santana that I had completely forgotten to lock it. She was going to be so mad at me.

"I-" Quinn squeaked. Her eyes met mine and I wished I knew what to say. "I… I'll go…" she mumbled, stumbling backwards and slamming the door shut behind her. I could breathe again, but when I turned to Santana she still wasn't moving. I waded over towards her, but when I reached out she flinched away.

"Don't," she whispered. She wouldn't even look at me. Shit. I'd messed up really bad this time. Worse than when I'd told her to stop at the quidditch date and she wouldn't let me touch her for a week.

"I'm sorry," I murmured quietly.

"…What?" She turned to look at me finally, and I stared back, confused. "I… I have to go find her. Explain… I don't know. I'll say we had some firewhiskey earlier, or something."

"Just tell her the truth," I said. What was wrong with the truth? Surely Quinn would understand. But Santana barked out a laugh that didn't sound very funny at all as she waded away from me, towards the side of the tub.

"The truth? Right, Britt, that'll work. 'Hey Quinn, I'm fucking Brittany, but it's all good 'cause we're just friends!' Fuck that."

She was speaking to me just like she'd spoken to me when we were at Puddlemere; like I was stupid. I hated it.

"Well, that is the truth, so what's the big deal Santana? It's just us, we're special."

"Ha, you want me to tell her that we're special? Fantastic, Brittany." She was turned away from me as she dressed so I couldn't even see her face.

"I'm not stupid," I muttered under my breath as she dressed. She was the one who'd said we were special first, in the Room of Requirement that one morning.

"I never said you were stupid. But come on, you can't honestly think that two friends getting it on is normal. It works for us but if word gets round it'll be hell! I've got to fix this for us, so just… whatever. I'll see you in the common room later," she said. She still didn't look at me as she turned to the door and walked out, slamming it shut behind and leaving me standing alone in the middle of the bathtub. It didn't really feel relaxing any more. I just felt confused. Sex was never this confusing with anyone else. I didn't want to stay here on my own. Tonight was meant to be just me and Santana, no Puck or Mike or Quinn. And I didn't want to be there without Santana. The prefects' bathroom was somewhere we went together.

I edged to the side of the bath and pulled myself out, grabbing one of the giant towels to wrap around me. I secured it tightly at my side with one fist, shivering a bit now I was out of the warm water. I dried myself as quickly as I could and pulled my muddy quidditch uniform back on – I didn't have anything else to wear.

I wandered out of the room slowly, not checking for teachers like we normally did, but then I stopped. Where was I going? I could follow Santana and Quinn, but I didn't know where they had gone. I could go to the Hufflepuff or the Slytherin common room, but then someone would probably ask why I was sad and I didn't know what Santana would want me to say. I just needed to think. My feet started moving and I let them, not really caring where they were taking me. I felt horrid, with the damp of my quidditch uniform seeping through to my skin and my hair dripping down my back, making it even worse. I saw one of the side doors to the grounds and walked towards it. Outside was good. Fresh air was supposed to help you think, right?

It had stopped raining but there was still hardly anyone about. I wandered in the direction of the greenhouses as I tried to sort out all the mixed up thoughts in my head. Why did Santana think she had to tell Quinn that we were drunk? I'd always let her keep it secret before because she said people wouldn't understand, but this was Quinn! She was our friend! And what was there not to understand anyway?

We'd always said it didn't mean anything. I figured that meant it didn't really matter if anyone found out, and just that Santana wanted to keep it between us because it was no one else's business – and because at the back of my mind I knew it could hurt Mike. But that look I'd seen in her eyes when Quinn had come in… she was so scared, and I couldn't understand. It was that same fear that I'd seen in her for years, even way back in our first year when I'd caught her looking at me, but never so bad as today.

I started to shiver and realised it was raining again. When had that started? I moved towards one of the greenhouses and slid open the door to step inside, grateful for the warmth. The plants in here were all so bright and colourful, and I stepped forward to one of them to run a hand over the smooth stem. It felt like velvet and the plant seemed to relax under my touch.

"Miss Pierce, what on earth are you doing here?" someone said from the other side of the room. I jumped back from the plant and almost stumbled as I noticed Professor Ryerson staring at me, clippers in one hand and a mug of tea in the other.

"I… I, um, it was raining. And I was thinking. But it was raining so I came in here," I mumbled. My words felt as jumbled as my brain. Nothing seemed simple anymore. It was like Santana had picked apart one thing that made sense in my head and everything else had unravelled as well. Why had she run away? It was our night and she'd run away. I sniffed, and quickly wiped at my face when I felt a tear on my cheek.

"Oh now, don't cry! It's okay, you're not in trouble! Come on, come over here and sit with me in my office and we can talk about it, alright?"

I didn't really want to sit in Professor Ryerson's office. I couldn't talk about it because of Santana. But I couldn't refuse a teacher either, so I wiped at my eyes again and walked slowly over. He smiled and beckoned me across to a door in the side of the greenhouse, holding it open for me and magicking a green and white striped armchair forward from the side of the room. His office was filled with plants, and there was even a tree growing in one corner with a bird nest in it. I sat down in the chair. It was squishy, bouncing a little when I squirmed.

"Do you want a biscuit?" he asked, offering me a plate. I reached out and took a chocolate one, nibbling on the corner of it as he sat back behind his desk to look at me. He didn't seem as strange as he did in our classes. He seemed almost normal, actually. "Now, what's got you so upset that you're wandering outside in the rain, hmm Brittany?"

I stared down at the wooden floorboards, not sure what to say. I couldn't break Santana's rules now, not when she was already upset.

"I'm just confused," I eventually whispered. I risked a glance up and saw he was still watching me. I quickly looked back down at the floor; it was easier to talk that way. "My… my friend. I've been doing stuff with. But there are these rules that don't make sense. And today someone saw us and my friend ran away. and now I'm so confused and I don't know what I'm supposed to think. I don't know if I should do something, or if I should what I'm meant to do. Sh- my friend doesn't make any sense." I shut up then about what was wrong, because I thought that if I carried on I was going to give too much away. "I just want to be able to think and understand what's going on because I don't and it's so confusing."

I looked up at him again and was a bit worried when I saw the look he was giving me. He was thinking, and I started worrying that he'd worked it all out.

"Well, Brittany. Can I tell you a secret?" I nodded. "When I feel like I need to think straight, I know I can't do it on my own. So I get a bit of help," he told me. He had left his seat and walked over to the sink at the side with his mug of tea, and was looking in the cupboards above it.

"What kind of help?"

"It's - you are sixteen, aren't you?" he asked suddenly. I nodded again. "Good. What I do is use some special ingredients in my tea. It's not technically allowed at Hogwarts, but you won't tell anyone, will you?"

"No, no I won't," I promised. If Professor Ryerson could help me think straight then I would keep his secret forever. He was doing something with his tea now. I tried to lean to the side to see what he was doing, but his arm was in the way. He turned and I quickly sat back in my seat so he wouldn't think I'd been snooping.

"Here, have a sip of this. Only a sip, mind," he warned as he handed me the mug. I looked at him, then at the tea, and took a gulp. It tasted nice, much nicer than tea normally did. I took another big gulp but he caught hold of the mug and pulled it away from me, placing it on his desk. I looked up at him, waiting for an explanation. "It will make it much easier to think clearly. Things might seem different around you, but in your head everything is so sharp it'll help you work things out. But it's our secret, remember?"

I nodded immediately. A secret, of course it had to be a secret. Everything was a secret.

"Excellent. And if you ever fancy a little more, you know where I am," Professor Ryerson said with a smile, moving behind me to open the door. I stood up with a smile to match his and said goodbye as I made my way out of the greenhouses. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. The colours of the plants were brighter than before, more vibrant. With every step my feet felt heavier, and by the time I reached the greenhouse door it was like I had walked a mile. But my thoughts were alive. They were running around in my head as I struggled to slide the door open.

Santana. I had wanted Santana to stay with me earlier in the prefects' bathroom. I didn't want her scared, and I didn't want her running after Quinn because tonight was meant to be for me and Santana; no one else. I wanted her to stay with me and make me feel good, because she always made me feel good. No one ever made me feel as good as Santana could, not even Mike.

Mike. He was nice. But he couldn't make me feel as good as Santana could. Whenever I had to pick between him and Santana, Santana was always the one I wanted to choose. I chose him sometimes because he was my boyfriend and I should, but if I didn't want to why should I? A boyfriend is really just a boy who's a friend who I have sex with. Then I realised that was basically the same as what I have with Santana, except she's a girl. It would be nice to get to do all the stuff I do with Mike, but with Santana.

I didn't think she'd thought of it like that. She couldn't have, or else why would she want to hide? She thought that because we're girls we can't, but why? I couldn't think of a reason. It would be amazing to be Santana's girlfriend. I'd never leave her side. I'd never have to, because she wouldn't have to spend time with Puck and I wouldn't have to spend time with Mike. And she doesn't even like Puck, anyway. We could kiss all the time, wherever we went and not have to worry about being in public. We could do Valentine's Day together. We could have even more sex, and it would be even more perfect because we would get to talk about how we felt as well.

So… why not? Why couldn't we be girlfriends? There was nothing stopping us. Mike wouldn't have to worry about getting alone time with me away from Santana because we wouldn't even be together. And Puck might be mad, but I didn't like him anyway, and I would treat Santana so much better than he did. My feet started to dance as I thought about how wonderful it would be, but then I tripped and went sprawling over the ground. Something stung my knee, and I heard my name being called. Hands were on my arms, pulling me to my feet, and I squinted to see a familiar face. I grinned. This was perfect! The perfect start!

"Mike!" I exclaimed, hugging him tightly before leaning back. His face was strange. His lips were turned down and he was staring at me. "Mike, it's okay, you don't have to fight for me anymore," I told him. It was hard to get my thoughts to come out in words that made as much sense, and I struggled to say exactly what I was thinking. He was talking, but I interrupted him. "It's okay, okay? Okay, you can… don't worry. You can go find someone else. You want that, right? Someone who'll be nice and won't always run away to Santana. You don't like Santana and you've been so good pretending you do when you don't and it's nice, but it's not fair and you should find some other girl who likes you more." He was speaking again, and I fought to listen to what he was saying.

"…the matter? …breaking up… crazy! …your senses…"

"It all makes sense, Mike. In my head it all makes sense. I want to be your friend," I told him with a smile, leaning in to hug him. He looked sad, and friends are supposed to hug their sad friends. But he shoved me away, and I fell over again. I stared up at him and wasn't sure if he was crying or if it was the rain from earlier on his face. He was shouting some more and then he turned away and was marching towards the castle, and I was still sitting on the grass.

I struggled to my feet, trying to remember where I'd been going. Santana! Of course! I had to go find Santana so we could start being girlfriends! I couldn't wait to see her face when I pointed it out, I couldn't understand how it had taken us so long. It was the only thing I wanted. I started back towards the castle, finding the side door closest to the Slytherin common room and winding my way through the dungeons. My feet took me the wrong direction a few times, but it was okay because soon I was standing in front of the stone wall.

"Sarnissa," I hissed. The wall didn't budge. It was silly, putting a password in a different language. "Saaar-neee-ssaaa," I tried again, and this time the door appeared. Eagerly I fumbled with the doorknob and stumbled through. I stood by the entrance, searching for Santana and wishing it was easier to see her. There were so many people in there. Everything was so green. I took a few steps further in and finally noticed her on the sofas with Puck. Stupid Puck. I walked over, wondering if the room was actually moving or if it was just me moving that made it feel like that, and fell onto the sofa on my knees next to her. I grabbed her arm to pull her from Puck and she moved straight away. It was a sign or something; she wanted this as well. She didn't want to be with Puck. I leaned in to kiss her but she moved at the last minute so my lips only just grazed her cheek.

"Brittany, w-what…?" she started. Her voice sounded different to normal. I stayed leaning into her, arms wrapping around to keep her close and moving my head to speak straight into her ear so she could hear. Why was everyone being so loud? It felt like my ears might explode from the noise.

"Santana, it all makes sense now! I don't know why it took so long, it makes sense and we don't need to hide or have rules. I want to be with you, like-" I had to stop then because Santana's hand was against my mouth. I giggled and stuck out my tongue to lick her hand, but she didn't laugh. She felt so tense. She needed to relax. I tried to tell her that, but I couldn't speak properly with her hand there. I shifted, pulling away from her a bit so I'd be able to explain properly, but she stood up and pulled me up as well by my hands. I almost fell over and she caught me, but her nails were digging into my wrists and it was starting to hurt.

"Santana," I mumbled, twisting my arms to try and pull away. "Hurts…" She let go straight away and then we were moving across the common room, the green blurring all around me. I think she was pushing me, because every time I tried to speak I felt a pressure against my back that made me move faster. The steps were hard, though. My body wouldn't do what I wanted and my feet wouldn't lift high enough and I fell back into Santana a few times.

"Out, now!" she shouted as she pushed open a door. I squinted around and saw we were in her dorm. That made sense. Some people brushed past us, and one started speaking. I didn't hear what she was saying though as I moved over to Santana's bed. I tripped as I approached and hung onto one of the posts at the bottom of the bed to keep me standing. I flopped down onto it, imagining spending hours and hours here with Santana, talking and kissing and studying without worrying about anyone else being there.

I turned my eyes to look at her as she argued with the girl and focused as much as I could on her. It was harder than it normally was, but soon I was finding everything I loved about Santana. The way her dark hair curled naturally halfway down her back. Her skin, so smooth and dark and beautiful. How her eyes widened and fists clenched when she was angry. Wait, angry? Why was Santana angry? I sat up, worried, and just managed to stop myself tipping over onto my other side. The other girl was going now though and Santana was coming over quickly, muttering something and waving her wand at the door. I smiled brightly at her, clambering off the bed to stand.

"Santana, do you see? We can be us, wherever we want. We won't ever have to hide and you won't have to run after Quinn and leave me alone and-"

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Brittany?" Santana shouted. She hit her hand hard against the bedpost and I jerked back, almost falling again as the back of my knees knocked the mattress. Why was she shouting at me? This was meant to be good news. It was starting to get easier to make out details around me now, but I carried on, knowing I had to get this across before Professor Ryerson's tea stopped working in case I couldn't understand it again.

"B-but Santana, don't you get it? Us. It's perfect. No boys." I noticed she was staring at me like I was crazy and I trailed off.

"What happened to sex being meaningless, Britt? That's what you said! That's what you always said when you were trying to persuade me to do something new with you. You said you got it, and all along it was just so you could come out with this shit?"

"We were wrong before! I hate seeing you with Puck, I just didn't know why. But now I do, and I don't want you with anyone but me!" I tried to explain.

"You're crazy! It means nothing, it never has! What part of that don't you understand? There's no way in hell I'm going to… be with you."

My chest was tight. Things were still fuzzy, but not enough to make me forget those words. She didn't want to be with me?

"Why? Aren't I good enough?" I asked quietly.

"You're a girl, Brittany! Girls can't be with each other like that! I've got Puck, and you've got Mike, I don't know why the fuck you're suddenly acting like this. Are you drunk?"

"No, I don't have Mike. I said he should find someone else because I like you more than him. And us being girls doesn't matter, Santana. I lo-"

"No!" she interrupted me before I could finish. Looking at her, I could make out that fear in her face again.

"But-"

"Don't. Don't say it," she said coldly. "You're just confused. You've drunk too much and it's messed with your head. You need to sleep, then you need to go find Mike and work things out with him. And you need to never be so obvious in front of so many people again! I barely managed to persuade Quinn that we were drunk, and you almost ruined it anyway. You almost ruined everything!"

"But – no. I'm fixing things. I'm making them better," I whispered. This wasn't right. I was starting to feel normal again except that the idea of us being together wasn't leaving my head, and my chest felt like someone was pounding a hole into it. "You're meant to be happy. You don't have to be scared."

"Scared, what the fuck? You're wasted, Britt. We're not having this discussion, you know as well as I do that what goes on between us means nothing!"

Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

That was what she'd said it meant. Was I really that wrong about it all?

I squeezed my arms around my legs and huddled up in a tighter ball on the bathroom floor. Through the locked door I could hear the girls I shared with complaining about how long I'd been in there, but I couldn't move. The effects of whatever Professor Ryerson had put in that tea for me had worn off completely, but not the realisation that I loved Santana Lopez and she didn't love me back.

I'd been so sure. After I'd drunk that tea everything had made sense, just like Professor Ryerson had said it would. Everything was simple, and I hadn't even considered that she might not feel the same. I'd just assumed she hadn't properly considered it, ignoring all the times she'd warned me off the idea. Even the morning after we slept together for the first time, I'd mentioned it as a half-joke and she'd got mad. Why had I ever been stupid enough to think that she would feel the same?

I thought back to all the times she had been so desperate for my touch, like at the Puddlemere game and breakfast one time and in several classes. If she felt nothing, she wouldn't be like that, right? She cared about me enough to bury a dove and comfort me when we were meant to be in class. She cared about me enough to blow off Puck time and time again to help me study for tests. And she was scared, even though she said she wasn't. It had been all over her face, even when she'd tried to hide it.

I loved her. I loved her so much. I'd loved her for as long as I remembered, and just hadn't realised the word for how I felt until now. I would give up everything for her. I would cradle her as she cried herself to sleep on Tony's birthday every year for the rest of my life. I would take her out and make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, because she was. But instead she just wanted to have sex with me then crawl back to Puck who treated her like she wasn't even special, and I hated that even more than the fact that she wasn't with me. She was special, and she deserved to be with someone who saw that! I saw it in her every single day. Did she not see anything like that in me?

-you know as well as I do that what goes on between us means nothing!

A sob crept up my throat and choked its way out of my mouth even as I heard someone banging on the door and Sugar's voice call out.

"Brittany you've been in there forever, hurry up!"

I took a deep, shaky breath and released the grip I had on my legs. I reached blindly for something to support me and found a cupboard handle. My legs were unsteady and didn't want to hold me up, but I kept clutching onto the handle and then grabbed the counter top with my other hand to keep standing.

I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess, wild strands everywhere and still half-damp. My quidditch robes were even muddier than they'd been when I'd finished practice. My face was pale with red blotches, and tear streaks stained on both cheeks. My eyes were bloodshot, but even with all of that I'd expected myself to look worse. I'd expected to look as bad as I felt inside.

She didn't want me.

You're crazy!

I must be crazy, for thinking she'd want me.

There's no way in hell I'm going to… be with you.

She'd always said the idea was stupid. And that's what I was, for thinking there was a possibility. I hadn't even seen it as a possibility, I'd been certain.

You're just confused.

Confused… but she meant stupid. She didn't say it, but that was what she meant. Because how could I be confused about my own feelings when they were so obvious now? I was just stupid for falling in love with her when she'd told me over and over that it couldn't happen. Stupid for not realising it earlier. Stupid for telling her. Stupid, stupid.

You almost ruined everything!

So fucking stupid!

My hand smashed into the mirror and the image of my blotchy face cracked into two. I gasped in shock as the pain welled up in my hand and quickly cradled it to my chest, more tears welling in my eyes. I wasn't sure if I was crying from the pain or this whole afternoon, but now I'd started again I just kept going. I wanted Santana, why couldn't I have her? I loved her but I couldn't have her, not properly, and it hurt so bad inside. It was like the nails she'd dug into my wrists earlier were digging into my chest instead, right through to my heart. I was shaking and I couldn't stop, and the only thing that could make it better was Santana but she wouldn't come. She'd said I had to get sober and make up with Mike. But I couldn't make up with Mike. I liked him, and I hated that I must have hurt him, but I didn't love him. I never had. The only person I'd ever loved was Santana. I could feel stickiness on my hand and I desperately tried to wipe it away on my uniform, leaving red smears behind. Santana's words kept pressing in on me, sounding in my ears and I couldn't make them go away, even as I tried to concentrate on the pain in my hand instead.

Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Why wouldn't she let me love her?

I hope I did this chapter justice, it was quite difficult. Regarding what Ryerson gave Brittany, I'm saying it's some sort of magical drug that is legal in the UK magical world from 16 but is banned at Hogwarts for various, obvious reasons. It will reappear later in the story with further explanation.