Chapter 26

May 1976

The pair of them were sat in silence by the campfire, thinking about the events of last month.

Jack knew that he would regret all of it until the day he died. How he had come up to Wyoming without warning just because of a phone call, how he had been shot down...and especially how he had dealt with it. What the hell had he been thinking, to go down to Mexico like that to numb the pain?

Ennis hated how he'd handled it last month. He should have at least invited Jack to stay for a while after he'd taken the girls back to Alma's. They could have talked about everything, and maybe they would have finally found a way to be together. Instead, things were now a lot worse than they had been before. He knew from Jack's face how hurt he was by the rejection, and cursed himself for being a coward.

They hadn't spoken much upon their arrival to the campsite, had only exchanged a hug and a brief kiss before unpacking. It was a mark of how bad things were; usually they were all over each other upon meeting up.

"Bud?" Ennis started, hoping that he could bridge the gap between them. Jack looked at him.

"Yeah?" His voice was flat and Ennis wondered just how much damage he'd done to this man.

"Sure am sorry about last month...should've let you stay 'til I got back. Coulda talked an'...we wouldn't be like this now."

There's an understatement, Jack thought bitterly. If he hadn't turned me away, I wouldn't have gone down there...what the hell was I thinkin'?

"Guess not. An' for what it's worth...I'm sorry I came tearin' up there without tellin' you. I know you was scared of someone seein' us." He looked away, picking at the label on his beer bottle. "Just...it felt kinda embarrassin' to be there, thinkin' that we was gettin' together an' then you...was real bad."

Ennis reached over and took his hand, hoping to undo the damage. "Darlin'...I'm sorry. I don't want us bein' like this the whole trip..."

Jack looked at him again, wondering how Ennis might react if he found out about Mexico. Would he be jealous, or would he finally realise that Jack had lied to him when he'd denied being queer up on Brokeback? Either way, the outcome wouldn't be good. Ennis would hit the roof and that could be the end of their trips. Despite everything, Jack still wanted and needed to see Ennis, and he didn't want to give up what they did have. He still loved the man despite what he went through just to keep the peace.

"I know. I never did like fightin' with you...or givin' you the silent treatment. But you gotta know, Ennis...that hurt me real bad an' I...I almost didn't come today. Thought about sendin' you a postcard tellin' you not to bother...but I wanted to see you."

Ennis swallowed, thinking about how close he'd come to losing Jack for good. What if Jack had stayed away? He would never forgive himself for what he'd done. "Jack...I'm real glad yer here...sorry I did that last month..."

Jack looked at him and saw the genuine regret in Ennis's eyes. He sighed inwardly; he couldn't stay mad too long when Ennis was so clearly conflicted. It wasn't Ennis's fault that he was so scared of people finding out about them, and that he couldn't guarantee their safety if they got together. It was simply because of what he'd seen as a young child, and his fears of losing Jack.

He got up and sat down at Ennis's feet, looking up at him. "Ennis...it's okay. I know why you did that. An'...I guess that comin' up without tellin' you wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I shoulda asked you when you called, even if you just needed some support."

"I coulda asked you to wait inside," Ennis replied, taking Jack's hand and squeezing it. "Sure am sorry."

"I know, bud." Jack rose up onto his knees and rubbed his free hand along Ennis's thigh. "You wanna just...get in the tent an'...you know?" Make-up sex was usually very good, and they both needed to release their tension right now.

Ennis nodded, thankful that Jack wasn't keeping his distance. "Sure, darlin'." They got up and Jack pulled him close, kissing his cheek.

"S'okay, Ennis...we'll be alright. I still wanna see you out here...an' I'll get over last month." He knew that he could never tell Ennis about Mexico; he would take that secret to his grave.

When they were inside the tent, they started making out fully clothed. Neither of them wanted to rush things; just to enjoy the moment and make up. Jack wondered if he was giving in too easily by forgiving Ennis so soon, and if it made him weak. But he didn't care; he just couldn't be without Ennis and he would do anything to keep this man in his life.

Ennis lay on top of Jack as he explored his mouth, tongue running over Jack's teeth and lips tightly pressed to his lover's. There was just something about kissing Jack that he loved, and he hoped that Jack would always be there for him to kiss and make love to.

He got the feeling, now more than ever, that he might be taking Jack for granted. He'd just assumed that Jack would turn up despite last month, and Jack had almost stayed away. He had to make some kind of gesture, something to show Jack how grateful he was to him for coming here anyway. But the only thing he could think of was the one thing they could never have.

"Ennis," Jack breathed, sensing that Ennis was thinking too much again. "Don't think on it...just come here..." He pulled Ennis's lips back to his and did his best to make the night as enjoyable as possible for both of them. This was the only man he ever wanted to be with.