Chapter 34

March 1979

Jack barely heard Ennis as he talked about the horses on the ranch where he worked; his mind was in turmoil over what he'd done. Just after Christmas, he'd caved and done the one thing he'd been terrified to do; he'd been with someone else other than Ennis.

He had run into the ranch neighbour and accepted the invitation of going out for a beer. The next thing he knew, they were in a motel room, and Jack tried to block out the memories before they ate into his gut. He felt so guilty, even more so than how he felt about Lureen; this was different because he loved Ennis.

He felt absolutely nothing for this other guy, but he'd caved in because he couldn't stand the loneliness anymore. It wasn't much of an excuse, but it was the only one he had. He just didn't know what to do now; Ennis was so blissfully unaware of his guilt and Jack didn't want to hurt him. He'd laid down some ground rules, at least; no kissing and only from behind. It was the only way he could pretend that it was Ennis there with him.

"Jack?" Ennis asked when the latter didn't reply to him. "Bud?" Jack blinked and looked at him.

"Oh...sorry, cowboy. Was a million miles away then..."

Ennis peered at him. "You look like somethin's really eatin' at ya. Somethin' happen down in Texas since I last saw ya?"

"No, not really," Jack lied, trembling slightly. He was so scared of Ennis finding out; he wouldn't mind it so much if Ennis hit him, but he couldn't stand it if Ennis decided that he didn't want to meet up anymore. That would hurt him far worse than any punch. "I'm okay."

"You sure don't look it," Ennis replied, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You feelin' okay?"

"Kinda travel sick," Jack said, thinking quickly. "Think I'm gonna go lie down...you wanna come with me?"

In other circumstances, Ennis would have been quite aroused at the thought and Jack would have been quite seductive with the words. But things were different here; Jack clearly wasn't after sex just now.

They lay down in the tent and Ennis wrapped an arm over Jack's stomach, staring at him. "Darlin'...you sure yer alright?"

Jack nodded and then looked at him; he needed to forget what he'd done and he wanted Ennis to stake his claim anew. His heart belonged to Ennis and he had to reassure himself of that. He leaned over and kissed his lover, trying not to shake too much. "Ennis...can we...?"

"Sure, bud," Ennis replied, sensing that Jack needed comforting, for whatever reason. He sure was acting strange on this trip. "You sure yer up for it?"

"Yeah...please..." Jack didn't often say that word, so Ennis knew that something was wrong. But if Jack needed him physically, then he would do whatever he had to.

He kissed Jack again and removed his jacket as Jack did the same, eager to connect with the only man he wanted to be with; he couldn't guarantee that something like this would never happen again, but at least he could remind himself of who he loved. That was all he had left now.

When their clothes were in random corners of the tent, Ennis rolled on top of Jack and gazed down at him. "Bud...whatever's botherin' ya...try not to think on it, okay? I'm...I'm here if you need me."

Jack gave a shaky smile and nodded. "I know, cowboy. An' I'm tryin' to...not let it get to me. Come an' make me forget it..." His lips were captured and he finally felt some kind of peace; this was where he wanted to be and he hoped that things would work out for them. Now more than ever, he wanted Ennis to say yes to a sweet life. He could see the road ahead and he didn't like it that much.

Ennis prepared himself while looking down at Jack and then settled between his legs, hoping that he could make Jack feel better. "Just relax, darlin'...ain't gonna hurt ya."

"I know," Jack replied, and he vaguely wondered what might happen when Ennis entered him. Would he somehow know that he wasn't the last person to be there; that someone else had done this? Jack wasn't sure but he was dreading being found out.

But when Ennis pushed himself inside Jack, he felt nothing out of the ordinary. Jack felt as good as ever and was everything that he remembered; just like a home he'd found. He hoped that this home was never taken from him.

He laced their fingers together and started moving, watching Jack's face as he explored him. Jack had his eyes open still, which was unusual; they were usually closed by this point. Ennis didn't know that Jack was keeping them open on purpose; to remind himself that it was Ennis there. He was the only man who had the right to be there, as far as Jack was concerned. They didn't just have sex; they made love and Jack knew that nobody could replace Ennis in his heart.

"Feelin' okay?" Ennis murmured in Jack's ear, and kissed his neck. Jack gave a contented sigh and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm good," he replied, pulling Ennis closer to him and bucking upwards. "Feels good..." Ennis gave a few more thrusts and came inside him, Jack welcoming the branding that he'd been craving. This was what he'd needed for the last couple of months.

He came between them shortly after, the warm sticky fluid hitting Ennis's chest until he was done. They lay there together and Ennis gently stroked Jack's skin.

"Hope yer gonna be okay, darlin'," he whispered, and Jack swallowed past a lump in his throat. "Best time I have is when we're out here together...just wanna see you happy."

Jack nodded, unable to speak. The only way of being happy he could think of was if Ennis agreed to live with him. The way things were, he wasn't too sure that he could be happy ever again.