Chapter 26: Rewind

November, Sixth Year

Waking up to Santana's kisses the second morning in a row was so far beyond amazing. She wasn't kissing me hard; just slow, gentle kisses on my shoulder, occasionally shifting up to my cheek. I kept my breathing steady and eyes closed, wanting to prolong this for as long as possible, but she must have realised I was awake because her kisses changed. Her lips moved to my neck, tongue darting out every so often with her hand cradling the other side of my face. I sighed audibly, this time not trying to prevent the smile from coming to my lips. I cracked an eye open when her kisses stopped, but smiled wider when I found her face hovering over mine. I lifted my head, ignoring the slight pounding it prompted, and kept my eyes open as I kissed her softly in return before dropping back down to the pillow to stare up at her.

She didn't know how beautiful she was. Yeah, she knew she was hot, but not beautiful. Her skin was so soft, and hair so dark. I could feel the individual strands brushing against my shoulders. And her eyes… I could never be happy about looking away from her eyes. I lifted my arms from the sheets and wrapped them around Santana, my hands sliding over the smooth expanse of her back and gently pulling her down to lie against me. She sighed, nestling her face against mine as her fingers ran through my hair and our legs tangled together.

I closed my eyes again. I had so many happy memories from the last few days. Hearing her say so many wonderful things to me in song. Kissing her in the Hogwarts grounds after she'd said she loved me. Waking up yesterday morning and realising it wasn't a dream. Everything that had happened after stepping through the door to our room last night. Falling asleep with her in my arms. And now, just lying here together, not having to think about anyone or anything else. My stomach was a little queasy and my head was aching a bit, but that didn't matter. I got to lie here with Santana and fall asleep with her again…

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE-

I gasped, blinking and disoriented as I struggled to sit up and find the source of the noise that had now stopped. Something was on my legs, stopping me from moving properly. I blinked again and realised it was just Santana, looking equally dazed but with her wand pointing straight into the air. My breathing began to slow as I realised it was only the alarm spell we had set up in the Room of Requirement last year, after sleeping in and missing classes too many times. It had just been a long time since I'd woken up to it.

"I really don't like that sound," I muttered, lifting a hand to rub at my eyes. Had I fallen asleep again? I must have. Santana nodded, slumping back down horizontally across my legs, her eyes squeezed shut. "You have Transfiguration… Professor Corcoran will give you detention if you miss it again."

"I know," Santana sighed, still not moving. A shiver ran through me and I reached forward to tug the duvet from under her and pull it up to my chin, grinning when I realised I now had a much clearer view of all of her. She twisted her head to frown at me, then smirked when she realised I was staring. She rolled, twisting as she did so that she was the right way round on the bed again, with her side pressed against mine and only the duvet keeping us apart. It made me want to push it aside and never mind the cold, but then the alarm started going off again and Santana had to scrabble for her wand to switch it off.

"I hate that spell," she groaned, curling up into a ball at the end of the bed with her knees tucked against her chest. I shifted, pulling the covers with me as I curled to the end of the bed and wrapped them around her with my arms and legs on either side of her.

"Me too," I agreed, slotting my chin in the space between her shoulder and neck. "But you still need to go to your lesson. And we need to change into uniforms. Professor Beiste got upset last time I turned up in party clothes. She said it wasn't apparating clothes for healing augureys."

"Appropriate?"

"Yeah."

Santana sighed with a nod, still not moving. She managed to stop the alarm on the first beep when it started going off again.

"Where are our clothes?" she asked after a few more moments of silence. I twisted my head to peer around the room.

"Uh… there's your dress." I pointed to where I had noticed the red material on the other side of the bed. "Oh, and there's my t-shirt by the door." I looked around some more. Where had the rest of them gone?

Santana flourished her wand again. "Accio clothes." A moment later we were being bombarded with various items of clothing. I just managed to dodge one of my boots that flew over my head, in time to see my jeans slide out from behind the bookcase and get tugged over to the bed by the spell. How had they managed to get there?

I disentangled myself from Santana as she sorted through the clothes to rescue my boot from the other end of the bed. As I dressed, I started to recall some of the less pleasant memories from the night before; specifically, Artie and Santana butting heads until she'd punched him. And of course the moment I'd seen him watching us. I didn't like lying to Santana, but I just knew that telling her he'd seen us would be a terrible idea. She'd probably accuse him of perving on us then punch him again.

Maybe it was better this way, though. Artie was hurt, and I'd never wanted that. But now I didn't have to choose between them.

"Okay, wait here five minutes before following?" Santana said from where she was standing by the door. I looked up from the duvet, knocked out of my thoughts.

"…What?"

"Are you going to wait, or do you want me to? Only it makes more sense for me to go first since the Slytherin dorm is further away."

I stared at her as I processed her words, some of the happiness seeping out of me. I should have been expecting this. It was what we'd always done before, left separately. She said it was so no one would get the wrong idea. But… it wasn't the wrong idea, now. It was the perfectly right idea.

"Brittany?"

I nodded. "Go." I meant to speak confidently and with a smile, but it came out on more of a whisper. She hesitated, but her hand was already on the doorknob and we both knew we'd slept in too long. "Go," I said again, a little louder. "I'll see you at breakfast."

A few seconds later she was gone, and all my earlier happy emotions were deflating. It was the same. It was the same as before - well, no. That wasn't quite true. Now I knew she loved me, rather than just having delusional fantasies about it. But I'd thought that if she loved me, she'd want to be with me properly. Like I'd been with Artie. I hadn't thought she'd want to carry on hiding us. I didn't understand why she would. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, not sneak around. But here she was again, leaving earlier so no one would get suspicious if they saw us leaving together.

When the alarm started going off for what must have been the sixth or seventh time I realised I'd been sitting there for too long, lost in my own head. It would carry on beeping every few minutes until we were both out of the room, so I quickly got up and hurried over to the door. I walked barefoot through the corridors, surprised at how many people were out and about already. Was it really so late? A few of them were looking at me strangely so I smiled back, and waved hello to Mike and Matt when I saw them. I was glad that Mike was talking to me again. I hadn't ever wanted to hurt him, either.

The Great Hall was already bustling when I passed it, and there weren't too many people to stare at my outfit when I reached the Hufflepuff common room. Sugar was just getting up from a sofa though, and bounced forward when she saw me to poke at my exposed stomach.

"Who's the lucky guy?" she asked immediately, poking again. I looked down and found several very obvious marks running down to my right hip, and slapped a hand against them. "There as well! Wow, Brittany, who was it?" she asked again, peering at my neck. I really had to talk to Santana about that, especially if she wanted us to stay secret. No wonder people had been staring. I tried to think quickly to stop her asking any more questions.

"A gryffindor."

"Ooh, who? Sam? Tyler? I can't believe you got over Artie that quick!"

I shook my head quickly, drawing a zip over my lips and backing away, knocking into a chair as I did so. I didn't want to talk about Artie. Obviously everyone knew about our argument. But then they should also know I left the party early, so why did she think I'd been with a guy? Sugar was shaking her head and turning back to her seat, so I turned so I wouldn't walk into anything else. I hurried down the corridor to my dorm, pushing open the door to find it completely empty - except for the one person I wasn't expecting.

Artie was slumped on the floor next to my bed, looking half-asleep with a handful of flowers resting over his knees. I tried to walk around him quietly, but with my first step his eyes flashed open and froze me in place. He stared for a moment before struggling to climb to his feet. I walked closer and held out a hand to help him without properly thinking about it.

"Thanks," he muttered once he was standing. One of his eyes was swollen and purple, but the other had bags under it as well as if he hadn't slept all night. He was still in the same clothes he'd worn last night, although now the white material of his jumper was stained and his tie was hanging loose. "Brittany…"

I took a step back, thinking it might be easier if I wasn't so close to him.

"I love you."

I clenched my eyes closed. Just being further away wasn't enough.

"Please look at me. I… I got these for you." I peered through my eyelids to see him holding out the flowers. They were the yellow flowers like giant daisies that I loved so much, although they looked a bit wilted. I opened my eyes properly, but didn't reach out to take them. I didn't know what to do. "They're to say sorry," he explained, holding them out again. I folded my arms against myself, still unsure. Should I take them? Should I talk to him? Should I walk away? Eventually he gave up on that and just put them on my bed and turned back to me. "I picked them last night, when I was looking for you. I found Róisín, though! She had kittens in the greenhouse!"

It was impossible not to smile at that. Who wouldn't smile at kittens?

"That's great, Artie. Rory must be happy."

This was okay. I could talk to him about this. It was just like talking to him normally, as if nothing was wrong.

"He is! Although he's not sure what to do with kittens. I said maybe you could help him? I mean, if you want to. If you're not too busy-"

"No no, I'd love to," I agreed immediately.

He nodded, his eyes on the ground for a few moments before looking back at me, his expression serious again. I noticed his eyes on my stomach and quickly dropped my arms to try and cover up the marks Santana had left.

"I really am sorry."

"For what?" I whispered. I wanted to know what he thought he should be sorry for. For shouting? For watching me and Santana? For saying those things about her?

"For arguing. For yelling at you. I didn't mean it, I just didn't really want to be there and then I drank too much. I've never had that much before, I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry."

"Did… did you mean what you said about Santana?" I murmured. It was probably a bad idea to bring her up. Yes, he was frowning.

"I… some of it. I do think she's controlling. I don't like her. But… she's your friend. Not mine. You're right that I don't know her."

There was more silence, then. I could tell that both of us were thinking about the same thing - what he'd seen in the tunnel last night.

"How long?" he whispered.

I looked down at the floor. That was a hard question to answer. How long this time? How long had we been having sex? How long had we been kissing? He probably wouldn't like the answer to any of those questions.

"Saturday was the first time in a while," I told him, as simply as possible. I didn't want him thinking I'd been doing it the whole time. I remembered Quinn saying last year that it would hurt him if he found out.

"Saturday," he repeated, and I could see him putting things together in his head. "She took you to London."

I nodded. I didn't know what else to do.

"Please don't tell." Even though I didn't understand why Santana was so desperate to keep it a secret, I wasn't going to ignore it.

"…Is that what Santana wants?"

I nodded again. He took a deep, shuddering breath, closing his eyes. He stayed like that for several long moments, before opening them again and stepping forward so he was right in front of me.

"I love you, Brittany. I don't want to lose you."

He was looking straight into my eyes, and he looked so earnest that it made me want to cry. I could feel a lump growing in my throat, bigger and bigger with every word he said. "I know," I whispered. I didn't want to lose him either. I didn't want him hurt. He'd only ever been good to me. Last night he'd just been drunk. I'd done stupid things when I was drunk before.

"I'm never going to hide you. You're too special to be kept secret, Britt. Don't you know that?"

I bit my lip. Now I really didn't know what to do. I'd thought everything would be sorted out after he saw us. But… but he didn't want it to end. I didn't want it to end either. With either of them. I was happy when I was with Artie. And I wouldn't be able to go on dates in Hogsmeade with Santana like I did with him. I wouldn't be able to hold her hand, or kiss her on the cheek. Why did she want us to be secret? Why did she have to care so much about what other people thought? Why couldn't she just be with me?

"You… you're amazing, Brittany. I never thought I'd ever get a girl like you - because you're so popular, and beautiful. But I never knew how lucky I really was, because you're funny, and caring, and so many other things I never realised. I love you, so much. And maybe I haven't known you as long as Santana, but I'm not scared to tell everyone you're my girlfriend. I'd tell the world if I could."

He lifted a hand to my face, and I realised he was wiping away tears. When had I started crying? I shouldn't be the one crying. I was the one hurting people. But I didn't want to hurt him, not at all, especially after he'd said all that. Maybe… maybe I could have them both. They knew about each other. Then I wouldn't upset anyone… right? Would that work?

He was leaning in closer now, and I couldn't not kiss him, after he'd said all that. I pressed my lips gently against his, and I could feel him smiling into the kiss. How was I supposed to choose between them? They both wanted me. They both loved me. Artie was always so nice and good to me, and Santana… well, she was Santana. I loved her. I couldn't choose. I couldn't hurt either of them. He pulled away, and I leaned in to hug him properly, moving my lips to whisper in his ear.

"I'm sorry too."

I couldn't stop smiling as I made the short walk from the Slytherin common room to the Great Hall. Really, I hadn't been able to stop since I'd woken up this morning. People were looking at me strangely - probably they were wondering why I looked so cheerful. Or maybe they were thinking about how I'd punched Artie yesterday. Even though I knew Brittany probably wasn't too happy about it, I was glad I had. He totally deserved it. I didn't even care about what he'd said about me - it was how he'd spoken to Brittany. It couldn't have come at a better time, though. Now he was out of the picture, Brittany knew I loved her, and everything could be how it was meant to be.

I rounded the corner, stepping into the Great Hall and searching for Brittany. She wasn't at the Slytherin table, so I looked over to the Hufflepuffs instead - and felt all the breath rush out of me.

She was there. But - she was sat next to him. They were smiling, laughing.

I didn't understand. Why was she with him? I thought she loved me; I thought she'd chosen me? She kissed me when I was trying to apologise for hitting him, wasn't that choosing me?

It felt like the entire room was spinning. Her head was turning, but I couldn't let her see me. Not like this. I swivelled on the spot, blind to the other people around me as I rushed out. Someone was in the way, and I realised too late when he was on the floor in front of me that it was Kurt. I couldn't apologise though; I couldn't summon the words. I shook my head at him instead, picking up the pace as I hurried past until I was all-out running.

I couldn't go back to the common room - there were too many people. I needed somewhere quiet. The Room of Requirement? No, not right now. That would make things even worse, thinking of everything that happened this morning and last night. I paused as I saw the room at the end of the corridor I was on. Surely no one would be there this early in the morning, this early in the year? I walked forward, entering the unfamiliar room and pausing at the entrance to try and work out where to go. Of course I'd been in the library before, but it wasn't exactly somewhere I frequented, and I just wanted the quietest part of it where I could hide away. The librarian behind the desk was saying something but I didn't listen, just went forward and began walking down the narrow corridor framed by bookcases. There was a study area somewhere to the left, and after a few wrong turns I managed to find it. Was it always like a maze in here, or was it just because I was finding it increasingly hard to think straight?

I fell into a chair, barely able to feel grateful that no one else was already there, and covered my face with my hands to try and block out everything. It wasn't working though. I wanted to run back there and scream at her, ask her why she'd gone back to him, didn't she understand she was mine? That she'd always been mine, even before I realised it? And I was hers?

I tried to steady my breathing, and work out why I was acting like this. This wasn't me! I was Santana Lopez, I didn't cry over relationships. But this was different and I knew it. This was Brittany. Things had always been different with her. I loved her. That was what made it different. And even though it had taken me a while to work out I was jealous of Artie, and Mike, and even Sam way back in third year, she couldn't just run back to Artie and act like it was okay! Was she really choosing him over me?

The air rushed out of my lungs and I squeezed my hands tighter over my face, wiping one cheek to get rid of the few tears that had fallen.

I loved her! I'd always loved her! Why was she choosing him? What about last night, hadn't that meant anything? She'd suggested it! Was it just a last-chance thing before she went back to him? Had she just been holding this in the whole weekend?

"Santana?"

My whole body jerked up out of the seat as I spun, wand out, to find Kurt quickly backing up with his hands held up.

"Whoa, hey, calm down…"

I let out a few ragged breaths before slowly lowering my wand, swiping again at my face to remove the evidence that I had been crying as I looked around for anyone else. There wasn't anyone. Just Kurt. I turned back to the table, slumping into the chair and dropping my wand with a light clatter. I could hear him moving behind me, then there was the scrape of a chair against the stone floor and he was sat next to me. I sniffed, trying not to let him see that I was upset even when it was probably pretty obvious already.

"You sure punched him hard," he commented when it became obvious that I wasn't going to speak first. "He'll have a swollen face for at least a few days."

I shrugged, although it was kind of good to hear that. I was a little surprised that Kurt was telling me this - he didn't seem the sort to condone violence, especially with his whole healing thing - but I guessed he was just hoping I wouldn't hex him away.

"You gave Brittany some interesting bruises as well," he added in a quieter voice. My eyes snapped up to find him already a little too close for comfort, peering down at me. That was weird, when did he get taller than me?

"Dunno what you're talking about," I replied coldly – although my voice was more shaky than cold. What was he doing? How did he know? My heart was beating fast again, but at least it was only Kurt. At least he wouldn't tell anyone… right?

He shook his head, dismissing it. "Look, Santana. Artie… he doesn't have anything on you. Brittany doesn't want to hurt him - she doesn't like hurting anybody, you know that. But he doesn't compare with you. Everyone knows you love her - no, not like that," he added quickly when I sat up straight with wide eyes. "Like, as a friend. Everyone knows that. I remember thinking the crazy girl who went to argue with Figgins about being separated from her best friend should have been in Gryffindor, not Slytherin."

"You remember that?" I asked, staring at him.

He nodded, shrugging a little. "I always used to see the little things you did for her. I used to wish I had a friend like you, who'd stand up for me like you stood up for Brittany." He shrugged again, a little smile on his face. "I guess I do, now. But the point is, you'd do anything for Brittany, and she'd do anything for you. You know each other inside out, and Artie doesn't have that with her. He likes her, maybe loves her. Maybe she loves him back."

I tried not to scowl at him when he said that.

"But she's totally, head-over-heels in love with you, Santana. She has been for at least a year, way before Artie turned up. And she still is now, and there's no way she's going to choose him over you in the long run. She doesn't want to hurt him, that's all. So… just… don't get upset. And don't punch him again."

I smiled a little at that. I didn't really mind about him knowing, now. It made me a bit nervous that other people might work it out like he had, but this was Kurt.

"Why-" My mouth was dryer than I thought, and I swallowed before continuing. "Why'd you come after me? Why say all that stuff? I'm a bitch, everyone knows it."

"Why wouldn't I? We're… we're kind of friends, right? Isn't that what friends do, look out for each other? Isn't that what you did yesterday morning, with Karofsky?"

This time it was my turn to shrug. I was starting to feel guilty about never standing up for him in the past, and especially for the occasional insults I'd sent his way over the years - not often, but enough that I could remember. He was being so nice now.

"Thanks, Kurt," I muttered. I reached out a little stiffly, but he leaned in to hug me properly. I wrapped my arms tightly around his back as he whispered in my ear.

"It'll all turn out just fine. Trust me."

I'd been avoiding Brittany all day. Kurt and I had made it to Transfiguration - ten minutes late - and luckily we didn't have the same lessons on Mondays. Artie was in History of Magic but I made it a point to ignore him - which mostly worked, ignoring the moment halfway through the lesson when he gave me such a smug, self-satisfied expression that made me want to punch him in the other eye. Instead, I sent a more subtle spell across the classroom that succeeded in setting his book alight.

The rest of the day I stayed in the Slytherin common room, occasionally making conversation with Puck, but mostly just trying to do homework and ignore everything I was feeling about Brittany. It was hard, but talking to Kurt had helped. Come 3 o'clock though, I heard a familiar voice just behind my head.

"Hey Santana! I thought we were meeting at the quidditch pitch?"

I tried to stop my body tensing, but with her face hovering next to mine it was impossible. I pasted a smile on my face and managed to turn without losing it.

"Quidditch pitch?"

She was smiling so brightly, like everything between us was fine.

"Yeah! Don't you remember, you promised to help get me up to scratch again now Madam Pillsbury says I can fly again?"

It took me a few seconds to remember the conversation last week after her Hospital Wing appointment. I wished I'd never agreed to it. I didn't want to do this now. Not with her, not when I was so confused. But I couldn't back out. I nodded, sliding my textbook onto the table.

"Sure. Sorry, I forgot. I'll just go get my broom, be back in a minute," I told her, standing. It didn't matter, because she followed me anyway. She already had hers - miraculously it had survived her fall - and walked with me out of the common room, out of Hogwarts and onto the lawns without one mention of Artie or this morning or last night. It was like she had no memory of any of it. Maybe that was it - she'd got in the way of a memory charm. Maybe Artie had obliviated her? Whatever Kurt said, he definitely deserved another punch for that if it was true. I waited until we were in the air, away from anyone who might be listening, before I brought it up.

"Why were you with Artie?"

"Pardon?" she called from where she was concentrating on hovering as still as she could.

I frowned and flew closer, also speaking a little louder. "Artie. Why were you with him at breakfast?"

Her broom dropped in the air as I broke her concentration. When she looked over at me, it was very obvious she hadn't been charmed. She knew exactly what was going on.

"He's nice, Santana. He loves me, and… and he won't hide me."

It felt like someone had punched me in the face.

"But I love you too," I argued quietly. "What… what about last night?"

"Last night was amazing, Santana. I loved it. And we can still do that."

"You never would before, when you were with him. Why… why aren't I enough? I… I can't do stuff in public. Not yet. But when it's just us two, I'll be way more than he ever could be."

"You are enough, Santana! I swear!"

"Then why?"

I said it louder than I meant to, and a bird in the tree next to us shrieked in response and burst out of the leaves to fly away. I took a deep, slow breath.

"I can't hurt him," Brittany whispered, staring down at her broom handle. "It's not fair on him."

She doesn't want to hurt him, that's all.

Kurt's words calmed me again. He was right. She wasn't picking him over me. She was just… I don't know, prolonging it. It still hurt. It still hurt a lot. But it wasn't over. She just needed time, until he fucked up and I could show her how much better I was for her. I glanced down, finding no one below, then reached across for her hand.

"Okay. Okay… for now," I qualified. I could deal with this for now. So long as I wasn't about to lose her again.

"For now," she agreed, squeezing my fingers before releasing them to grasp her broom properly, already settling back into her normal self. I wished it was that easy for me. "Race to the quidditch pitch?" she suggested, her eyes glinting at the idea of a competition. I nodded with a grin, and set off without waiting for her. I heard her shouted protests behind me and I managed to laugh. Artie wasn't here. At that moment it was just me and Brittany, and I was totally going to beat her.

We were outside for over an hour, ignoring the cold and the approaching darkness as we raced and threw apples - Brittany always caught them, but I dropped a lot of mine. I argued that I was used to a bigger ball, and she argued that I was just jealous she was a better catcher. It was just being best friends again, and it was so easy. I didn't have to try to be anyone but myself. But of course, it couldn't last. The sun was just beginning to set when I heard him shout from below.

"Brittany!"

She flew down immediately, so I had to follow. It was getting impossible to see the apples anyway - not that it stopped Brittany from catching them. I landed just behind her and dismounted, glaring at Artie. I hadn't had a chance to properly look before, but Kurt was right - I really had given him an excellent black eye. He glared straight back. Apart from the night before he'd never really been outwardly hostile to me, but it probably shouldn't surprise me now I'd gone and punched him. So long as Brittany didn't think we were all going to be friends…

"Are you okay? You should have told me you were out here, I would have practiced with you."

"Yeah? So she could knock you out of the way if I threw an apple at you?" I challenged immediately.

"Hey!"

I closed my mouth the moment Brittany spoke, biting the inside of my lip to spoke myself from saying anymore. Artie was outright scowling now.

"Please can you two be nice?"

I raised an eyebrow at her, and she looked between me and her scowling boyfriend and sighed.

"Fine, not nice, just… don't insult each other all the time. Please. For me."

I eyed him for a moment, basically taking the time to admire my handiwork on his face, before nodding.

"So long as he doesn't."

"Of course I won't," Artie snapped back. I smirked a little - he was going to have trouble with that - before stepping forward to link little fingers with Brittany. His eyes burned into our hands and my smile increased as we walked together towards the castle - until Brittany reached out for his hand too, and got to hold it properly. I hoped it wouldn't take too long for her to get over hurting him. I didn't think I could deal with it for very long without at least another punch.