Ana stops in her tracks and turns to look at me. Holy shit, what the… holy fuck, did I really say that out loud? I am not sure which one of us is more surprised by what I have just said.
"I err, sorry, I err" I can't get my words out and I blush, I never blush!
"Christian?" her soft voice floats in to my confounded brain.
"Yes" I whisper.
"Lift your head up and look at me" she uses her hand to tilt my head up and her eyes meet mine "did you mean that?"
Do I mean it? Did I say it to see her reaction? Do I love spending time with her? Yes I do. Can I see myself with Ana in 10 year's time? Yes I can. Do I love her? Yes I do!
There, I have admitted it to myself; I want her to be with me, spend our lives together and anything else that my brain is not computing right now.
"Yes Ana, I meant it" my voice wobbles "I am totally besotted and in love with you and I want you to be mine forever"
I nervously await her response.
She takes my hand and has a look of pity on her face. Shit! I guess I have my answer.
"Christian, I thoroughly enjoy our time together, I have had so much fun with you in the last few weeks but…" her eyes cast down "I want and need to concentrate on racing, I don't want to spoil what we have together because it is very good, I am very fond of you and what we have has grown a lot. I guess what I am trying to say in between my waffling is...it's not no; it just not right now…does that make sense?"
She looks a little shaken "that's ok baby, I understand" but inside my heart is sinking like a stone. "I shouldn't have asked but…"
"It's important to be honest and truthful about our feelings Christian" she leans in and gently, tenderly kisses my lips.
"I'm just not ready" she whispers before turning, wiping a tear away from her eye before climbing into the car and disappearing away for what will feel like a lifetime until I see her again.
I am completely and utterly annoyed with myself. Why did I have to open my mouth? Yes I know a relationship needs truth and honesty amongst other things to survive but I had to open my big mouth. For the rest of the day I take snapping and growling at people to a new level. I am obnoxious and heartless to the point where I make another department PA cry when she dropped off the wrong file, at that point I decide to go home.
At Escala, I do something I very rarely do and usually in response to a very stressful situation-I pour a large scotch on the rocks, sit on the piano stool and tinker around with the keys. My tune gets steadily worse as the warm nectar flows through my blood stream but in some ways it clears the shit that rolls around in my head and gives me some clarity on situations.
So what if I asked Ana to marry me, so what if she said not now, maybe in a few years. She knows my feelings and intentions and that's that. I either have to be patient and carry on as we were or stop right now and move on. I can't move on from Ana so I have to be patient-simple!
I have drunk a lot more than I usually do and slump on the sofa, falling asleep.
"Mr Grey"
"Mr Grey, Christian" I recognise the voice but it's not Ana.
"Yes" I open my eyes, glimpse Mrs Jones but clamp my eyes shut again, the bright sunlight is making my head thump and a wave of nausea sweeps over me. I let out a groan.
"I have some water and Advil Mr Grey" Mrs Jones soft voice still penetrates my skull like a pneumatic drill.
She must have seen the almost empty scotch bottle on the side and guessed I would be needing something to help me start the day.
"Thank you" I sit up and gulp some water, which I immediately regret as I dash to the bathroom to vomit. I rinse my face with cool water and surprisingly feel a little better.
"Breakfast this morning Mr Grey?" I hastily shake my head
"Will stick with water for now thank you" I add.
"I don't wish to pry but are you ok Mr Grey? You only drink when you have a lot on your mind" she is treading carefully.
"I proposed to Ana yesterday and she said not now but maybe in the future" I tell her more than I really wanted to but I know I can trust her not to reveal anything, not even to Taylor.
"Oh" she looks uncomfortable "That is a… well disappointing, I like Miss Steele very much"
I nod in agreement before I head to the office and send a text to inform of my absence for this morning but I will ensure to be in after lunch.
The shower is very welcoming, I allow the faucet to wash away the stresses of the last twenty four hours but I end up falling asleep on the bed wrapped in just a damp towel for another hour or so.
I am much more even handed or level headed at the office but now feel a little irritated I haven't heard From Ana. As if she is reading my mind, my phone pings an e-mail message and I look through to see Ana's name, my heart does a flip when I see her name and I start to read…
"Dearest Christian,
Oh boy what a journey! And not in a good way . The huge truck ran over something in the road and ruptured two tires. We had to wait three hours for a recovery company to come and help with heavy lifting gear, it rained heavily which really made things difficult and then a state trooper pulled up to see if everything was ok, he alleges he saw one of the mechanics smoking pot which gave him probable cause to search the truck! He tossed a few things about, Dad was going nuts; I have never seen him so angry but in the end he left without finding any contraband and that combined with the tires delayed us all even more. We are on our way again now though, am damp, feeling tired and hungry for some of your pancakes . We are going to be late arriving at the track, hopefully that won't be a problem too! We don't need any more trouble and Dad certainly can't take much more.
Much as I would like to type a longer message to you I need to sleep now even though it's early but we are likely to arrive at a funny time at the track so I will say night night, sleep tight and …love you…
Your Ana xxxxx
She loves me! She is mine! Fuck, she has finally given me a big sign and I can't express how happy I am about it. Walking on air doesn't nearly cover my happiness, I can't wait for this weekend to see 'my Ana', yep I said it right 'my Ana'. I trip off a sympathetic reply on her crappy day before telling her I am missing her, I can't wait to see her at the weekend and I will gladly make some of my pancakes with chocolate sauce for her.
I float in to Escala after work, Mrs Jones is cooking and I can see her looking at me quizzically, she has obviously noticed a difference from this morning.
"Good evening Mr Grey, I have Stuffed Red Peppers for dinner tonight and they will be ready in fifteen minutes"
"Thank you Mrs Jones that's perfect" I skip off to the shower, I find myself singing 'Highway to the Danger zone' by Kenny Loggins at a very loud and at times slightly off key way but I don't care.
Food was delicious and I commend Mrs Jones as I finish eating…
"Thank you Mr Grey, err are you alright Mr Grey?" she tentatively asks.
"Good, yes I had a very informative message from Miss Steele this afternoon and I am very much looking forward to seeing her this weekend" I beam.
"I'm glad to see you feeling positive today" she tells me.
"Thank you Gail, I do feel positive, things are moving forward" I smile before going to my office.
I am excited, when I log in to my personal computer to see another e-mail from Ana…
Hey Honey,
Well we made it eventually with no further drama's but I can't sleep, I feel so tired but excited to start practicing again. I am getting very twitchy and want to get in the car and on the track. I look forward to feeling the wind rushing through my hair and to getting you into a car when I see you at the weekend ;).
Hope you had a good day today; I am going to try and sleep again. I will talk to you again tomorrow. Xxxx.
I fire back a reply quickly…
Hey Baby,
Glad you made it safely, sorry you can't sleep, I miss having you next to me so I can touch your hair, caress your body; feel your nakedness against me but all the bribery and pleading is not going to get me in the car! I won't keep you so sleep well, sweet dreams xx.
I have this strange sense of contentment, I think its contentment; I've not really experienced this before. The subs were a quick fuck, no feelings, no commitment or effort required but somehow I always felt empty and alone despite, well acting out and satisfying my desires.
The rest of the week flies by thankfully and before I know it I am sitting in my personal jet on the runway awaiting clearance from air traffic control to take off. Elliot was bitterly disappointed not to be able to join me this time, his business is going through an extremely busy period and he can't afford to take the time off right now. I actually miss his company especially as we spent quite a considerable amount of time together at races and afterwards. His relationship with Kate is a little on/off according to Ana and I would have liked the opportunity to discuss things with him but maybe next time.
I drift to sleep on the plane; the hostess wakes me as we start our decent into Tri-cities Regional airport, it is approximately eight miles from the track but I know Taylor will have taken care of the car hire and hotel stay.
We pull up a short time later to Meadow View Conference Resort & Convention Centre; seems reasonable enough and should have good Wi-Fi/internet connection. I unpack my duffel bag before lying on the bed, ordering some food and flicking inattentively though the movie channels. I am clock watching, I want, no need to see Ana, feel her, smell her, listen to her telling me how her day has been, hearing that giggle that sets my blood racing. I want to be inside her, watch her flicking her hair around her shoulders, kissing her lips. A shiver drifts down my spine at the thought of having her in my arms and of course I am hard as a rock. Roll on 7pm.
I shower and spend a little time primping and preening myself ready to see Ana. Taylor arrives to take me to the stadium. I am subconsciously wringing my hands in anticipation in the car; we glide through security and into the owners parking area. I am out of the car toward the GSR garage like an Olympic sprinter going for gold. The back door opens and I see my Ana…