Chapter Eleven; Only A Game
Sif stared down at Loki's peaceful, sleeping form. It occurred to her that Heimdall would not be so impressed with these actions, but her earlier resistance had melted like ice beneath a flame.
Perhaps this is what Loki had been hoping for, but in spite of herself she could not close the door and leave him outside on the cold stone floor.
He had been far heavier than she had anticipated; taking all her effort and strength to drag him in from the hallway. She considered leaving him on the floor - at least he was now on the rug in her chambers. But against her better judgement, she found herself heaving him on to the bed.
He never stirred, just continued to snore softly.
Her bed was quite large; spacious enough for her to sleep in it also without being too close. She sat on the edge now, hesitating for some reason. As innocent as her act of kindness was, she could not shake the feeling that to share her bed with the fallen Prince, would be far too intimate.
Sighing, she leaned back against the ornate headboard and swung her legs up onto the bed. Arms folded defensively across her chest; as though absent-mindedly creating a barrier between herself and him, she attempted to sit up straighter.
She decided to stay awake, that way she was at least resting but felt more comfortable with the notion of not actually going to sleep.
She watched Loki sleep for a while, he looked rather vulnerable
and almost angelic.
Her eyelids were growing heavier, but she fought to keep them open. However her struggle was in vain, as finally she slipped in to a deep sleep.
~ She awoke from her slumber with a start, upon feeling a movement in her bed. She could feel the warm body lay against her back, shifting slightly. She turned over slowly and just as she did, his eyes opened.
For a moment they just stared back at each other, neither of them moving or speaking. Loki's dark brows knitted together in puzzlement.
Sif was momentarily angry at herself for falling asleep.
She suddenly became aware of the heavy silence, their close proximity and the way the air seemed to have thickened between them.
Instantly uncomfortable and momentarily wondering if he also felt the heavily charged air that hung between them, she slid backwards away from him as subtly as she could.
This caused him to snigger openly, which immediately riled her, but she tried not to show it.
He cleared his throat and muttered something inaudible under his breath, before slowly sitting up. Wincing as he did so, he gingerly rubbed his temples with his fingertips.
"Feeling rough?"
She asked, shattering the silence that she felt was awkward.
He did not respond.
"Hardly surprising, considering the amount you drank last night.."
She continued regardless.
He shot her a sideways glance, a smirk returning to his lips,
"I must have consumed a staggering amount for me to not even remember how I came to be here... in bed with you my Lady."
Sif stiffened
and was about to reproach him when she realised he was toying with her.
In spite of this she sat up quickly, suddenly feeling vulnerable and exposed in her thin night dress. She clutched at the sheet, bringing it high up over her until it was beneath her chin.
Laughing to himself, Loki rose from the bed and attempted to adjust his rumpled attire. Sif watched him button up his shirt and rake his hands through his tousled hair.
He glanced up and caught her eyes on him, which made her face flush slightly.
"Do you recall assaulting Balder?"
She huffed, quickly turning away.
Loki snorted
and stomped across the room as though irritated,
"As I recall, I was defending myself...he made to attack me and he insulted my honour!"
Now it was Sif's turn to snort; but she managed to stifle it,
"I doubt that the Allfather will agree."
Loki halted in his tracks, his face thunderous.
"You heard what he called me, did you not?...he's lucky I didn't seriously intend to harm him-"
"You knocked his teeth out Loki!"
"He will heal...and no doubt he was probably too drunk to feel pain."
Sif's mouth fell open,
"He collapsed on the floor in agony!"
Loki made a dismissive gesture with his hand, as if such a thing didn't matter,
"He more likely couldn't stand because he cannot hold his liquor...dull brute that he is-"
"You were just as drunk, if not more so! At least then perhaps your actions could be explained...but now you're sober and show no remorse at all!"
She cried accusingly.
"And why should I?"
He demanded gruffly,
"He called me a half-breed..."
As the words left his mouth, his face fell, and Sif suddenly felt heart-wrenching sorrow.
His eyes were filled with sadness, she felt his pain and now longed to reach out and comfort him.
But then his expression hardened, and his emerald orbs glazed over before her very eyes. His face now a mask of utter contempt
"Balder is nothing more than the thorough-bred son of a mongrel bitch!"
He snarled, pure hatred clear in his voice.
Sif felt her heart sink. She could sense the malice that raged within him.
Heimdall was right it seemed - Loki was a lost cause. The bitter disappointment was bad enough, she felt more foolish than ever for having once believed that she could somehow...fix him.
But he was beyond repair. And the fact that she had feelings for the wretched Prince, was soul-destroying...she realised now he'd strayed too far down this path to turn back - and it was a path she could not follow.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, fearing she may cry again any moment,
"You may not regret your actions...but I regret mine now Loki.."
She could feel his eyes on her now, so she did not dare look at him
"..You were right to assume that I would regret my drunken actions the other night...and now I am thankful for not having..."
Her words trailed off.
She opened her eyes slightly, but fixed her sights on the bedcovers.
He was still silent, but she knew that he understood what she was speaking of.
"It would have been a mistake...I would have regretted it immensely."
She added, trying to sound convincing.
An agonising few moments passed, still Loki did not respond. Then she heard the familiar sound of her door opening, followed by it slamming shut.
She looked up with tears blurring her vision and as she expected...he had gone.
When she at last managed to shake herself from the low mood she'd been in since Loki had left that morning, Sif washed, dressed and set out in search of Balder.
None of the warriors Three had any further news and Thor was reportedly in counsel with Odin.
Balder was no longer in the healing room, so she was relieved by that.
It was well past midday when a guard came to inform her that the Allfather commanded her presence in the Great Hall.
Escorted by the guard, she nervously entered the hall. Thor was present, along with Frigga, Balder himself...and a disgruntled-looking Loki.
As she strode over, bowing her head respectfully to Odin and his Queen, she could feel anxiety and apprehension stirring in her stomach...though she was not sure why.
Odin stared back at her, his expression stern.
"Lady Sif...I would like to hear your account of last night's events, as you were present and according to Thor, your presence may have been relevant to Loki's actions.."
Sif felt her chest tighten and slid Loki a quick, sideways glance.
Clean-shaven now and dressed in his leather armour; she felt a fleeting pang of disappointment. He was so handsome and noble looking. It seemed unfair that he was so emotionally damaged.
She noted the way he seemed reluctant to meet anyone's eyes and instead stood staring into the middle-distance. But his body language was almost twitchy, a sign that he felt uncomfortable.
Sif feared the worse - usually it took a lot to ruffle Loki's feathers, but his calm-exterior seemed to be wavering.
"My Lord, I believe that Loki had drank too deeply, as Balder had also...I do not see how I could be instrumental in their quarrel-"
"It was not a quarrel!"
Balder burst out angrily,
"He attacked me, we had barely exchanged words..his behaviour was unprecedented!"
"You..."
Loki broke in, his voice steady but still staring blankly ahead,
"...insulted me!"
Balder opened his mouth to speak again, but Thor silenced him,
"Enough! We've been over this several times already...and the fact remains that although Balder's slurs were somewhat insulting, the quarrel had already begun!"
"Yes by him throwing a horn at me!"
Balder cried, refusing to keep quiet, despite Thor's protests.
Loki snorted loudly, as he had earlier in Sif's chambers, and at last he turned to shoot Balder a look,
"At least get the facts correct, it was not a horn...I threw a goblet at you - an empty one I might add..."
He paused briefly for effect before adding curtly,
"No point in wasting good wine."
Balder erupted, but Thor silenced him again,
"Loki it matters not what type of drinking vessel it was...you still initiated the confrontation!"
Thor then turned to look at Sif, an almost apologetic look on his face,
"Sif, you heard the things that were said, Loki clearly became irritated by Balder's jesting regarding you and I-"
Loki scoffed and rolled his eyes,
"It matters not what was said...his very presence irritates me!"
Both Balder and Thor began to shout but Odin struck the floor with his spear,
"Silence!..You squabble amongst yourselves like disagreeable children!...The point is I will not tolerate brawling within these walls!"
There was an awkward silence, then Sif took a breath and spoke up,
"Allfather, I do not believe that Loki acted so as a result of any jests made by Balder regarding myself-"
"And why is that Lady Sif?"
Odin asked, his one good eye penetrating her; as though searching her very soul.
Sif shifted nervously under the weight of his heavy gaze,
"Because I...well, there just isn't any reason for him to-"
"But he did spend the night with you in your chambers did he not?"
Odin cut in again, his words flattening her completely.
All eyes were on her; she could feel her cheeks beginning to flame.
Balder made an almost smug-sounding, scoffing noise and Thor's face was filled with confusion,
"What is this Sif?"
He asked, astonishment clear in his voice,
"Is this true?"
Sif turned to him, voice quavering slightly,
"It is not how it may appear Thor, it was a simple act of...well, I could not just leave him passed out in the hallway!"
"So you did not think to call for assistance?"
Odin asked, almost accusingly,
"The palace guards could have taken him to his own chambers.."
Sif's throat felt suddenly dry and tight - how could she explain that such a thought had never even entered her head? So instead they would assume she perhaps wanted Loki in her chambers; all to herself. Or even worse, that perhaps he and she were...lovers!
As much as the notion daunted her, she could not ignore a sudden excitement, like a slight thrill just by thinking such a thing. However this caused her to blush more - something that they would obviously notice and it would not help her cause.
"There is nothing between Loki and I.."
She announced, with as much conviction as she could muster,
"I merely took pity on him-"
"You seem to make a habit of doing that!"
Loki suddenly interjected.
Sif spun around to look at him, incredulous that he was actually adding fuel to this fire. She felt the sting of humiliation and a feeling of betrayal. But then just as she was about to protest he spoke again, this time an air of laughter in his smooth voice,
"However, I do not want pity...but regardless of that, our relationship is purely platonic, I assure you."
Odin was now staring at him, along with Thor and Balder.
Only Frigga sat, head bowed, as if she felt embarrassment for her adopted son.
"Then why is it..."
Odin was now demanding,
"...that Heimdall believes this not to be true?"
Sif swallowed hard. Heimdall - so he'd spoken to Odin about his fears...and obviously what he had seen.
Even though she hadn't thought it possible, Sif's embarrassment soared to a whole new level. It was only the sound of Loki's forced laughter that regained her concentration.
"Heimdall, clearly still has unfinished business with me.."
He was saying,
"..any account that he gives will be bias. He seeks to villainize me."
At this Balder scoffed,
"You are always the wronged one aren't you Loki?.."
His tone was sarcastic and indignant,
"You need to face the consequences of your actions and stop trying to make a martyr of yourself, Laufeyson!"
Frigga gasped at this, as Sif held her breath and stared eyes-wide awaiting Loki's response.
His face contorted with rage and his usual emerald coloured eyes looked cold and hard; they glared at Balder like two glass marbles - fierce and frightening. He looked almost soulless.
But then just as Sif was fearing disaster, unexpectedly he forced his lips into an evil sneer, turned towards Odin and somehow managed a strained smile,
"You see what I have to endure?"
He remarked, almost smugly now,
"Luckily For Balder I am sober today, so will not lower myself by joining him under the rock from which he has crawled...I am after all, a Prince of Asgard."
Balder was glaring angrily back at him now and Loki added pointedly,
"...I am still a Royal member of the Aesir, and clearly capable of conducting myself better than you - despite being the Son of a Frost Giant."
Thor looked clearly astonished that Loki had kept his temper and Sif let out a sigh of relief. Although his words were still scathing, she felt an unfamiliar twinge of pride towards Loki. She almost felt like throwing her arms around him or clapping him on the back.
His eyes met her's and for a moment the disappointment returned. As reluctant as she was to admit it, she was sorely regretting now the way she had dismissed him that morning.
Perhaps there was still hope for him to reprieve himself after all. And maybe, there was still hope for...
But then just as she'd dared think it, and let her emotions get the better of her, he spoke again and his words pierced through her heart like a well-aimed arrow
"It is of no importance now, I have my forthcoming marriage to prepare for and my bride is my only concern."
Odin looked thoughtful.
Sif wondered if Loki was saying such things in order to put an end to the questioning. Odin was about to speak, when Loki dealt Sif yet another blow,
"As you have been most kind towards me Lady Sif...taking pity on me the way you have, I was hoping you might do me the honour of being the bride's maid for the ceremony?"
Sif blinked at him, unable to find the words to answer. She wanted to shout and scream at him for this cruelness. But she could not. All eyes were on her; awaiting her response.
Loki was making matters even worse by looking expectantly at her, feigning innocence and persisting,
"Sigyn is eager for you to accept, you are to be my sister-in-law some day are you not? So that will hopefully lay the foundations for a potential friendship between yourself and my wife."
An awkward moment of deadly silence passed, Sif desperately tried to collect her thoughts and not betray her true feelings on the matter,
"I..I'm, well I-"
"You're not otherwise engaged on midsummer's day are you?"
Frigga suddenly spoke up, as though she sensed Sif's struggle for words and was almost offering her the opportunity to decline the invitation.
Unfortunately though, Sif did not seize the chance to make her excuses - as Frigga's words sunk in, throwing her off guard completely,
"Midsummer's day?..but that is little more than a week away!"
She exclaimed, her voice coming out more shrill than she'd intended.
"Granted it is short notice..."
Odin spoke up gruffly,
"But the Vanir are eager for the wedding to go ahead as soon as possible - as am I, and Loki has no objections to the proposal."
Sif couldn't help turning to stare at Loki, who suddenly appeared reluctant to look back at her now.
"When was this decided?"
She demanded, suddenly not caring about the others who were present.
"This midday..."
Loki replied quietly, finally slipping her a poignant look.
She knew what this meant and the realisation was unbearable. He had agreed to the proposal after having left her chambers. After having been spurned and rejected by her. She had told him plainly that she regretted any dalliance with him and was thankful for not having crossed the line further...
So now he had committed himself to a wedding date.
In just over a week he would be someone else's.
She knew she should be grateful that he was to be someone else's problem; that she'd no longer have to feel responsible for him. But this brought her little comfort.
She knew his reasons for agreeing to such a rushed ceremony were questionable. Was he acting out of spite in order to try and hurt her, or did he now truly believe that she did not care for him at all? Either way, did it even matter now?
Painfully aware also that he may even be trying to seek a reaction from her, she swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat. She had to stand by her earlier decision. It was for the best was it not?
Loki had done nothing but play her like a game for weeks now and it had taken its toll. Enough really had to be enough.
She cleared her throat and spoke as steadily as she could,
"Yes, of course...it will be an absolute pleasure."
Never before had she spoken such a blatant lie. The words were empty, like how she was feeling; hollow and numb. But she would never let him know. Her pride would not permit it and she found herself secretly promising to never allow Loki to suspect or gain knowledge of her true feelings.
He was looking at her now almost forlornly, his expression sombre.
But she reminded herself that this was probably no more than disappointment for not having gained a more dramatic reaction from her.
Enquiring as to whether or not she may take her leave now, the Allfather gave his consent, so she excused herself and left the hall with an air of brightness that she did not feel. To the untrained eye she went away care-free, but her smile did not reach her eyes.
As she walked, legs feeling like lead and heart just as heavy, another thought came to her...Loki did not truly care for her anyway and probably never had. What if this had all been just a mere game to keep him amused whilst being confined to the Palace without access to his magic?
Was he hoping to seduce her just to anger their fellow Aesir? Odin and Thor would be aghast, not to mention Heimdall and most of the other Gods. Perhaps he sought to bed her as an act of revenge on Thor...or even herself for having dismissed him so readily in the past.
He had probably toyed with her feelings, just so he could later reject and humiliate her...all she would be is a conquest, nothing more.
The possibility convinced her now that she would definitely put him from her mind. He had no business being there, or in her heart. He was not worthy. Everyone was right about Loki, he was nothing more than a trickster. So much so, that his behaviour had caused him to lose his title of God of Fire, long ago. Only to be replaced by that of Mischief.
She convinced herself to search deep within, knowing that although she had become a shadow of her former self, she could regain her strength; both emotionally and mentally.
She just had to remain in this frame of mind. She compared the events of the past few weeks to that of a book and declared to herself that this chapter - where Loki was concerned - was now most definitely closed.