Jane and Ana at the range
Jane's viewpoint
We had been at it for 40 minutes, potting silhouette targets at a variety of ranges and speeds, when we stopped to take a break. Ana was good, but I was better. More practice at live targets over the years I guess.
As I took a drink of water, I looked across at Ana and tried to figure her out. It'd been bothering me for a while and I really wanted to know the answer. She looked up and raised an eyebrow in a question. No time like the present I thought.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I told you, I don't like to lose" I shook my head.
"No, I mean all of it; this, Maura and Natalie out shopping together, trivia, dinners, everything" She paused for a moment, before looking back at me.
"Ah, well that. Nat and I like you both. We want you to be happy"
"Why? We barely know you, hell you barely know us" She shrugged.
"It's as much about us as it is about you. We arrived here the same time you did, didn't know anyone and then bam, we all walked straight into the sniper case, then the massacre and it's been full on since then. We kind of found ourselves thrown together since pretty much day one. It short circuited a lot of the getting to know you thing" I nodded, remembering the long hours on crime scenes or working together chasing down leads.
"Plus, you stood there to protect Natalie when I wasn't there, that buys you a mile of goodwill"
"Yeah, it's been pretty intense" She looked at me for a moment before continuing.
"We needed to find friends as much as you did. Look around you; don't see that many lesbian couples in the LAPD. Then we find you and Maura, right under our feet, bumping into you every day, talking over lunch, standing around at crime scenes for hours in the middle of the night. We found ourselves reaching out to you, because you were there. Without you and Maura, we would probably still be alone, still looking for friends" I frowned, thinking over what she said, before slowly nodding.
"Maura and I were never really very social back home, back in Boston we tended to have a small circle of friends, mostly people we worked with or were my family, if you don't count the whole society BS that Maura keeps getting dragged into, which I don't. We're glad you were there"
I paused for a moment, thinking of how much Maura had been looking forward to today's shopping trip with Natalie, she'd been up early this morning, foregoing yoga to research the best shops on Rodeo Boulevard. I could never deny Maura anything and seeing her happy lifted my soul. I had to be honest.
"I'm glad you were there" She smiled back at me.
"Well, we understand that being a lesbian couple and working together can be difficult, especially in a male-dominated environment like law enforcement" I mulled over her words, thinking that they didn't really fit with Maura and I.
"I don't really feel like a lesbian, it's not really a label I feel comfortable with" She looked across at me with a 'really?' expression on her face.
"Then what exactly are doing sharing a bed with Maura then if you're not a lesbian?" I shook my head, feeling a bit defensive and trying to explain my thinking.
"Well, it's more a Maura thing, I love her. I'm not attracted to women, just her" To be honest I was getting a bit nervous where this conversation was going. I'm not good with the whole feelings thing, even with Maura. Ana leaned back, looking at me, then she half laughed, half snorted.
"I call bull shit on that. Explain how you reacted to Natalie then. Tell me you weren't attracted to her" I felt my face redden, remembering how her body molded to mine when she hugged me in the kitchen.
"Well… that's different"
"Like, how exactly?" I stared at my boots, trying to work out what to say, that would satisfy her and not get me even further on the hook. I temporised.
"Shit, this is uncomfortable" It didn't work, she kept looking at me.
"So is life, talk to me" she commanded. I knew my face must be beetroot red. I desperately tried to change the subject, find something safer to discuss.
"You ready for another round"
"No" Her voice was flat, she obviously saw through my diversion. Damn, I really didn't' want to talk about this, to face what was bothering me. There was a long pause while I tried to get my thoughts in order. Ana didn't push it, for which I was grateful. She just sat and waited.
"I didn't go looking, she was standing there, then next thing she was snuggled up to me, I would never have made a move on her, even if I wasn't with Maura and she was single" I looked up to see Ana smiling gently, I couldn't tell in amusement or maybe disbelief. I tried to explain further.
"It's true, I'm really not interested in her; it just kinda caught me by surprise" She laughed at me, not exactly helping the situation.
"Of course, Jane Rizzoli, bad ass detective, scourge of evil doers everywhere, nearly dies of embarrassment because you get a hug. From a girl" I shook my head, trying to explain my way out of this.
"It was just a surprise. I wasn't expecting her to do that"
"Look Jane, whatever label you hang on it, you are what you are" She leaned back, smiling at me.
"Natalie is stunning, I'm not blind to the effect that she has on everyone around her, although it took me a damned long time to come to terms with it. You saw what happened last night and that was actually pretty mild, it can get a lot worse. She's also very 'physical' with friends. That's why I warned you both. Remember?" I nodded slowly, remembering her words at dinner.
"Jane, Natalie doesn't want to fuck you or Maura, just that she extends her love to her friends and in her world that means being tactile and cuddly and well, all over her friends" I chewed my lip as I considered her words. Seeing that I was backed into a corner I tried honesty.
"Well, I was embarrassed as hell, plus I was terrified about what Maura would think" Ana laughed.
"And what did she think?" I had to smile.
"She thought it was funny as anything and that Nat was gorgeous and you were great…" I paused to look Ana straight in the eyes. "…and that she loved having you both in our lives" Ana chuckled at me and leaned forward.
"See, as smart as she is pretty; honestly, did you ever doubt that Maura would love you, that she loves you and that she always will, no matter what?"
I stared down at my hands, seeing their scars, seeing Hoyt holding a scalpel to Maura's throat and realising all over again that she had nearly died because of me; all because Hoyt wanted to hurt me again by killing her, the twisted fucker.
I seemed to only bring Maura pain, Hoyt, Merino, her father, even that bastard Ian, she walked away from him to be with me. The love of her life she had said. Then she ended up with me, and all I brought was pain.
"No, she loves me. God knows why" The words were out before I realised I'd spoken, the tone almost bitter with self-loathing. I hung my head, suddenly realising I'd said far too much.
The silence stretched out and became painful. Finally I looked up to see Ana staring at me, those great grey eyes fixed on me.
"What the hell are you worried about Jane?" Damn, I said too much; that's why I don't talk about feelings; it only gets me into trouble and I've never been good at them. I had to get away from this, from here.
I moved to stand up, to be shocked when Ana reached across and pushed me back into my seat. I felt my temper flare, and turned it onto her full force.
"What the hell Ana! Who do you think you are" I stood up and stared down at her, she stared up at me, obviously angry.
"Sit the fuck down Jane. We need to talk"
"There's nothing to talk about, I've said enough already" I crossed my arms and stared away, towards the range. Finally she spoke, softly.
"I think we have a lot to talk about Jane, and as neither of us is going anywhere we might as well start here" I looked back at her, then away.
"I said there was nothing to talk about" God damn it, why won't people stay out of my business.
"I'm as stubborn, or as Natalie and possibly Maura would say, as pig headed as you. You might as well talk to me; otherwise we might be here for a while. Besides, we came in my car" I stared back at her, my arms crossed.
"Fine, I'll get a cab then" She shrugged.
"You could, but you won't. That would mean running away and you don't do that, do you?"
"How would you know what I do?"
"We're a lot more alike than you might like to think Jane. We've both been changed for the better by someone else. Now maybe we should talk about it"
"There's nothing to talk about"
"I think there is and I want to talk" She shrugged. "It's the least I can do"
I looked around, trying to convince myself that I could get up and walk away, from Ana, and Natalie, and Maura's disappointment that I had caused a rift with our only friends here in LA. It was the last that tipped the scales, it always would. I sighed.
"Why can't you mind your own business?"
"You are my business, you and Maura. I'd be a pretty poor friend if I was to sit back and watch you fuck it up without trying to help"
"Fuck what up?"
"Your relationship with Maura" I stared at her, appalled and a little afraid.
The silence stretched out, it must have lasted a couple of minutes. Ana said nothing, just watched me, letting the silence drag on and on as I stood there, shifting from one foot to the other. Maura would say I was hovering on the edge of the Fight or Flight reflex. I'd just admit that I was scared.
Finally I had to say something, no matter how lame it sounded.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean you're scared Jane. You're afraid that you will lose her aren't you?" Her words and the look she gave me shook me. It was like she was peering inside me, seeing the Jane Rizzoli no one else sees, not even Maura. Fuck, how did I get into this mess?
"Of course not. I love her" Slowly Ana shook her head, a sad expression on her face.
"That's not the problem is it Jane? You're scared she'll leave you, leave you alone. You love her, but you're not sure about her love for you" I dropped back into the chair, stunned, she'd just taken my greatest fear and spoken it out loud. The one thing I couldn't even whisper to myself. I looked away, staring at the floor and started to speak softly.
"Look, I'm a working class stiff from a blue collar background. She's from Boston Brahmin society, wealth, privilege, the best of everything. Hell, her trust funds pay her several times our combined salaries each month. I don't really fit in her life. I sometime wonder when she is going to wake up to the fact that I'm not good enough for her and realise it was all a mistake. Her parents have already made it clear they think it is" I sighed.
"I wonder when she realises that she deserves so much more, someone who will love her and protect her and be worthy of her"
I continued to stare at the ground, in a way it was good to get the fear out there, to name the thing that sometimes woke me in the middle of the night, to stare at Maura's sleeping face and listen to her gentle breathing, terrified that one day she wouldn't be there.
I looked up to see Ana staring at me with an expression I couldn't fathom. I didn't want her pity; I knew this was a mistake. My anger came rushing back, I couldn't sit there, so I stood back up, staring down at her.
"Well, now you know, you happy? What's your problem now?" Ignoring my anger Anastasia just looked at me. Eventually she leaned back, sighing.
"Fuck Jane, are you a complete idiot?" Before I could answer she continued. "That woman lives for you; she needs to be close to you whenever you're in the same room, to touch you. Every time I look at her Maura's watching you, as if you might suddenly vanish in a puff of smoke and she'd lose you if she turned away"
Ana leaned towards me, spreading her hands and speaking softly.
"You are the central part of her life, just like she is to you"
"Of course she is, I love her, more than anything"
"She will no more leave you than you could leave her" I snorted.
"That's easy to say, I nearly got her killed, more than once"
"And she's still here, with you, so that didn't do it"
"I scare her; she's sat in hospital rooms waiting for me to wake up or watched me get patched up in emergency. Hell, she's had to suture me up several times" Ana just shrugged.
"So, she cares for you. Seems pretty natural, she loves you after all"
"Yeah, but I keep scaring her. What if one day she decides it's not worth it. That I'm not worth it."
"She must have known what you were like before you ended up in a relationship. From what I gather you were friends for several years before you become involved. Plenty of time for her to learn what you're like don't you think?" She shrugged.
"Maura knew what you were like before she fell in love with you and fell for you just the same"
I heard her words, but they didn't make any impact, sooner or later Maura would realise that I wasn't good for her, that I only brought her pain. I sighed and sat down again. Looking at Anastasia, I realised that I owed her enough to be honest.
"Ana, I don't know what I would do if she left. She's everything to me. All I know is that if she left me my life would be over"
I realised that I was rubbing my thumbs over my scars, something I do when I'm scared or anxious. I tried to still my hands, to take control of my fears.
"The thought scares the shit out of me, more than death. Death would be quick and painless, Maura leaving would kill me slowly and painfully" I looked up at Ana's face, seeing pain and compassion in those great grey eyes. I suddenly realised that I had tears in my eyes, as it all came tumbling out, like I had built a dam and now it was breeched and everything I was holding in came spilling out.
"We went through a period of several weeks when we weren't talking, after I did something really, really stupid, back before we became… involved. I shot her sperm donor father, who's a mob boss, it fucked up our friendship. I didn't cope very well without her" I remembered back to that horrible time, I'd basically run on auto pilot, I'd stopped living, just existing.
"It scares me Ana, if she left me, I don't think I could cope. I'd just shrivel up and die, it's like she's all the light and sunshine in my life, without her there's no hope"
Ana slowly reached out, taking both of my hands into hers and pulling them apart, her hands felt warm.
"Hey, what you're feeling is stupid even though it feels like the honest and simple truth to you. But I understand, I really do" I looked up at her.
"Jane you're insecure, which is causing you to doubt your worth and making you afraid of the future you want with Maura" I nodded, almost ashamed of how much of a wreck I was. How could I make Maura happy when I was such a broken mess?
"I've been there, I have and I was in the same place you are now" I went to say something but she shushed me.
"Shut up and listen Jane. No just listen for a while" I realised that she was rubbing her thumbs over my scars. I suddenly realised I had only ever let Maura do that, but it felt good, that she cared enough to accept my scars. Most people looked at them and were either repulsed or curious, never just accepting.
"When I first met Natalie, I thought she was beautiful, perfect, sexy as hell and completely unattainable. Hell, you've seen her and that's when she's not even trying to look special" Ana shook her head slowly, looking into the past.
"I'd been in a relationship once before with a woman, a short one, more experimenting than anything else, so this wasn't completely new territory for me, but oh my God. Natalie was so far out of my league that I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and having her walk off. Remember that this was even before we ended up together, when we were just starting out as friends"
"I thought she'd get bored and wander off to chat to someone more interesting and that'd be the end of it" She looked down to where her thumbs were slowly ghosting over the scars on the backs of my hands, outlining the edges and soothing me.
"I couldn't believe it when we ended up together, but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, when she would get bored and move on to someone else, god knows she gets enough offers, from people who were much better than me"
I knew exactly how she felt, Maura entered a room and everyone noticed without her even trying. People flocked to her, drawn to her like moths to a flame.
Ana took a deep breath and then continued.
"Look, she's not stupid, she knows the effect her looks and personality has on people, you see it all the time when we're out. Like I said, you saw it last night and that was pretty tame" She smiled slowly, obviously remembering something that happened.
"But, she's also told me that while yes, she could have almost anyone she wanted; the only one she wants is me. I couldn't understand what she saw in me, especially when she had not one but two Hollywood stars try and pick her up one night while they were on location in Seattle filming"
"I was there and heard both of them approach her. I didn't know what to do, it was early in our relationship and I was afraid to get to possessive, so I did nothing. She turned them down and we eventually wrapped up and headed home while I tried to pretend everything was fine"
"But she told me later that she heard me crying that night after I thought she had fallen asleep and over the next few days worked out what I was scared of" She stopped massaging the backs of my hands and slowly turned them over, palms up.
I suddenly realised I was feeling calmer, the human contact as she had massaged the scars helping to settle me as she continued to speak softly.
"Jane, don't ever make the mistake of underestimating Natalie. She's no fool, there's a damned good investigative reporter inside her that most people forget about when all they see is that face and body and legs. She put two and two together and worked out what I was scared of, even when I denied it and clammed up when she confronted me" She quietly laughed "As if that was gonna stop her"
As I sat listening, her thumbs started to massage the scars on the palms of my hands, working them in small, gentle circles.
"She turned up at my desk in police headquarters, dragged me out of the office for lunch and sat me down, told me to sit down, shut up and listen, just like I'm doing to you"
"She told me straight up that yes, she had been hit on almost every day since we had met, and not been tempted once. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in the person asking; it was that she had no interest whatsoever in anyone else; she had found the person she had been looking for all her life, me, Anastasia Katarina Romanov"
I didn't believe it, I was a law enforcement puke and she was a goddess, that's how I saw her, beautiful, smart, way too good for me, just like you see Maura. And just as Maura does with you, Natalie brings the light into my world and leaves no room for the shadows in my life" Ana looked up at me, and I could see the hint of tears in her eyes.
"I know, it sounds corny, but she told me that I was the person she immediately felt a connection with and who she was comfortable with, that I was the only person who didn't just see the package, but who saw the person underneath. That we had clicked almost immediately and that she found me as fascinating as I found her"
"She loved me; only me, that she wanted no one else and she really wanted us to grow old together" I was bawling my eyes out by the time she'd finished and she wasn't much better" Ana laughed gently.
"God knows what the restaurant staff must have been thinking"
"Anyway, we walked back to work hand in hand, I'd never really ever been that happy, to know the person I loved more than anything ever in the entire world, loved me the same way. She kissed me and then we went our separate ways back to work" I went to try and speak past the lump in my throat but she held up her hand.
"Let me finish my story before I end up crying. I must have floated back into the office, I was so happy that I couldn't have hidden it even if I'd tried. The people I worked with saw it and some of them gave me no end of grief about it, as there had been some nasty rumors' about our friendship circulating, we weren't an acknowledged couple at that stage" Ana shrugged.
"I'm sure you've experienced some prejudice against you and Maura being together, same as I have. Not everyone's as accepting as they should be" I nodded, remembering some of the comments from people back in Boston, at work and elsewhere.
"I tried to ignore it, just trying to make it through the day till I could see her again, anyway not long after Nat sent me a text to tell me to be home early for dinner and some 'quality time' as she put it. I texted her back and mentioned I was copping grief for being so happy, then went back to the paperwork on my desk"
"Not five minutes later, she absolutely strutted into the office with her coat off and her blouse pulled out loose and half unbuttoned and her hair a little mussed and stalked up to my desk as everything in the room stopped dead" I smiled, I could easily imagine the effect Natalie would have had. Hell, she stopped conversation without trying. Ana saw it and smiled back at me,
"She pushed me back in the chair, straddled my lap and proceeded to put on a monumental demonstration of the hottest necking imaginable for the next 30 seconds. When it was over, she stood up, looked down at me and said 'Thank you my love' loud enough for everyone to hear. She then turned around and looked at everyone in the room" She grinned at me, happily reliving the memory.
"I swear Jane, you could have heard a pin drop; everyone was staring slack mouthed at her. Then she told them that she really hoped that they could find someone who would make them feel one tenth as happy as I made her, because she had never, ever been as happy or content. She bent over, kissed me again and told me to hurry home and to not be late as she had plans for me that meant we weren't getting much sleep that night"
"She then strutted out of there and left me grinning like a fool and every person there either stunned or jealous or both. Word got round quickly after that" I nodded.
"So Natalie deliberately outed herself to prove that you were the one she wanted"
"Yep, she didn't care what anyone thought, didn't care about the repercussions, she wanted it known that I was hers and she belonged to me. That night she proceeded to leave several very visible bite marks and hickeys to reinforce the message" She shrugged again.
"After that, well the gossip pretty much dried up, everyone knew and Nat had made it very clear she didn't give a damn what people thought, in fact she was very open about that very fact"
I nodded slowly.
"So what you're saying is that Maura and I should be open about each other?"
"Only if you're comfortable with that; it worked for us, but you two are different people, so it's what works for you" I looked at her, raising an eyebrow, not following her.
"So what are you saying we should do?"
"Nothing, at least about making your relationship public; whatever you do Nat and I will support you" She held up her hand.
"On the other hand, I will tell you exactly what you should do about your insecurity about Maura. Do what I should have done in the first place, and talk to her about it. Explain to her what's bothering you and really talk to her"
"I'm not sure I can" A flash of irritation crossed her face.
"Oh for fucks sake Jane! If it takes you having to open up and let her see you're vulnerable; see your real insecurities, to ensure that you and Maura are together forever, what in hell are you waiting for? Isn't Maura worth fighting for?"
"Of course she is"
"Then fight your fears and your demons for her, tell her what she needs to know, why you feel the way you do and why you can't live without her" I nodded dubiously as she continued.
"Maura loves you, it's obvious to everyone and you love her, that's equally obvious. But if you go through life waiting for her to leave, then you will never give her everything that she deserves to have. And that will cause you and her untold pain, which may well tear you apart"
"Look Jane, people comment on how happy I am, how comfortable Nat and I are together and it's true, we are" I nodded, they were like people who had lived together for decades as a couple, both completely at ease with one another.
"Well, we weren't always like that. It took a close shave to bring life into perspective" I frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"I was working a case, involving an interstate sex slave ring. Girls kidnapped from one part of the US and shipped to other states to work in brothels or to be sold to the worst kind of lowlife scum" I nodded, I had heard of similar cases over the years.
"We'd got a tip off from Las Vegas police; they had tracked the girl's movements to a number of interstate truckers shipping them from place to place. They were working with New York and Miami police to try and track shipments when one particular truck was tracked on its way to Seattle. I remember talking to the guy from Las Vegas, it was weird, it seemed the case was really being run by the lead CSI down there" She shifted in her seat, but kept ahold of my hands.
"Anyway, I was part of the team who moved in as the handover was made. We got the trucker and freed the girl, but the buyer ran and we went after him. I almost lost him in an old warehouse and when I looked around I had lost my backup" I could clearly see it happening; hell it had happened to me more than once.
"I wasn't going to lose him and chased him around a container, where he was waiting. He had a knife and used it" She let my hands go and reached down, pulling her polo shirt out of her jeans. I shook my head.
"You don't have to do this Ana" I knew how hard it was to let people see the scars, to know how badly you had been mutilated, been broken.
"Yeah, I do, it's ok" Pulling the shirt up, I could see two nasty inch and a half long scars, one beneath her left breast, the other lower and more in the centre of her torso above the belly button.
"Shit Ana…" She nodded as she pulled the shirt back down.
"Yeah, Bowie knife, the fucker wanted to make sure of it, unfortunately for him, I hung onto my gun long enough to punch two shots through his ugly face" She shrugged. "The sound of the shots brought help and they managed to hold me together long enough for the EMTs to get me stabilised and transported to hospital" I nodded, knowing all about that particular journey.
"From what I've heard, you've been there, several times" I looked up surprised.
"You do read minds" She smiled.
"Once I came out of theatre and woke up the first thing I saw was Natalie, sound asleep, but holding my hand" She smiled softly. "I'd been unconscious for almost 48 hours but she hadn't moved since I'd come out of surgery"
"You know Jane, the pain when I'd been stabbed was like nothing I'd ever experienced, but the pain when I realised what I had almost lost was far worse" I nodded, Maura had been there when I woke up after having that bullet go through me and I remember the look on her face as she told me I'd almost died on the table.
"Natalie was there every day. I was in ICU for two weeks while they dealt with a few nasty infections courtesy of the bastard's knife; he hadn't been particularly bothered about keeping it clean. Then she took time off to nurse me once I was released" I smiled, Maura had looked after me the same way.
"We'd been together for just over a year and it was the first time she'd seen me hurt. I'd never been that badly hurt before, the usual minor injuries you tend to collect doing the job, but nothing life threatening. Anyway, once I was well on the way to being healed, Natalie had a bit of a breakdown, she'd been keeping everything bottled in and being strong for me and finally it got to her" Ana stared off into the distance, obviously the memories were still painful.
"Once she calmed down we had a very unpleasant conversation" She came back from wherever she had been staring as and focused those great grey eyes firmly on mine.
"She told me I was responsible for not one but two lives, because she had got a taste of what hell would be like, waiting for me to live or die. She also told me that if I died, she might survive, but she would be dead inside and would probably not outlive me by much" She shrugged.
"I know it sounds melodramatic Jane, but Natalie is full of life and emotion and love, all of which she willingly pours into me. I'm her anchor; I keep her grounded and safe. I don't doubt her for a moment that without me there to give it all back to her she would probably want to die. She might be physically alive, but emotionally she'd be a zombie"
I nodded slowly, thinking back to the toll the Marino shooting had taken on Maura. She told me later that it was during that time that she truly realised how much she loved me.
"When I was shot, Maura was there for me right throughout that entire mess. The signs were there but I was too messed up to see them but she was the reason I had to live and recover. If I hadn't I wouldn't have realised how lucky I am to have her now" A smile broke out on Ana's face.
"Exactly, Natalie made me promise to think first; then act. To always remember that she was there with me and that I was responsible for both our lives. I've done that ever since" I nodded, understanding what she was saying completely. Maura needed me the way I needed her and I owed it to her to tell her that. She deserved nothing less.
"I need to talk to her"
"Yes you do" I sighed, not looking forward to a very difficult conversation with Maura. Ana leaned in and grabbed both of my hands in hers.
"We're both unbelievably fortunate Jane. We love extraordinary women who love us in return. They deserve our complete trust and honesty, we owe it to them. You owe it to Maura" I looked at our hands, then up into her eyes.
"It's not going to be easy" She smiled at me.
"Nothing truly important ever is"