Jane and Maura talk
Maura's viewpoint
It was Sunday morning and I'd planned an interesting day's activities. We had six months here in California and I planned to make sure we saw as much as possible, however it didn't turn out the way I planned, a situation that happens more often than I would like, but then I am in love with Jane Rizzoli, a personification of chaos if ever there was one.
It had started when I dragged Jane out of bed and told her to get up and face the day; her mumbled reply that 8.30 on a Sunday was an uncivilised time to be up was clearly silly, so I wouldn't take no for an answer and sent her into the bathroom and a shower.
When she appeared some 20 minutes later, showered and dressed, I suggested we head out for breakfast out, but to my surprise she asked if we could stay in and talk. Given Jane prefers to not have to make Sunday breakfast and as it was her turn she would have to cook, I realised something was amiss.
Jane settled herself in the kitchen and banished me to the island bench, where I drank coffee and browsed several news sites on my tablet before immersing myself in one of the latest articles in The Lancet, an interesting one on the increasing incidence of Kawasaki Syndrome in children in industrialised countries. As I finished up, Jane presented me with a delicious breakfast, including sausages, bacon and eggs done two different ways, grilled tomatoes and toast.
For all that she praises my culinary skills to our guests, Jane is not unaccomplished in the kitchen, for which she 'blames' her mother Angela. Her usual retort is that her mother wouldn't allow her to move out of home without being able to cook well enough to feed a prospective husband.
Whatever her reasons, Jane's cooking is always excellent, even if it includes too much cholesterol, trans-fats and other less than healthy ingredients. It is tasty though and when I point out the less than healthy aspects of her cooking, she usually retorts that I generally leave nothing uneaten, which is also true.
We sat and ate in a companionable silence, before Jane made her way back and made each of us a second coffee. I normally don't have a second one so soon after the first, but upon protesting she told me we would need it.
I was starting to grow a little concerned, as I was unaware of anything that might have brought on a state of anxiety sufficient to warrant Jane's actions, so it was with some trepidation I followed her into the living area and sat down.
Seeing me seated, Jane walked around to the sofa on the opposite side of the coffee table and sat facing me. This was unexpected and rather unwelcome, as I enjoyed cuddling with her; it always makes me feel protected and loved. I couldn't wait for her to begin and vocalised my concerns.
"Is there some reason you won't sit with me Jane?" She looked at me squarely for a moment, before speaking.
"I want you to promise me to that you'll stay there, baby, at least until we finish" I felt the beginnings' of a tiny panic deep inside me. This wasn't the confident, swaggering woman I was used to, this Jane was pensive and almost scared, which worried me, I almost never saw her scared.
"Why Jane, what's wrong?"
"If you sat next to me you'd cuddle me and I'd chicken out and not follow through with what I have to say, and I have to say this, it's too important not too"
"Jane, are you alright, is everything alright, are you sick?" She held up a hand and stopped my questions.
"No Maura, I'm not sick. Well, yes I am, I'm sick of being afraid" I looked at her, wanting to ask what was bothering her, but chose to remain silent, letting her tell me in her own way and time. She looked at me for a moment, before understanding that I was letting her take the lead.
"I'm afraid, Maura, afraid that I'll lose you" I was stunned.
"Jane, you could never lose me, I love you" She held up her hand, waiting for me settle back.
"Maura, I've been afraid that you'll leave me since we first met" I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
"I've been afraid that you would grow tired of me, or I'll do something stupid and drive you away, hurt you and make you see that it's all too hard, that I'm too hard" Jane shook her head sadly.
"God knows, I've done enough to make you question our friendship in the past, I seem only to attract pain and suffering and bring it into your life" I was stunned and hurt; did she think that I was so shallow to walk away from her.
"Jane, I would never give up on you, I gave you my heart, we've overcome every obstacle to be together, to love each other" Jane nodded, acknowledging what I was saying.
"Maura, this isn't about you, you're the best, the bravest person I know, you're way too good for me… No please let me finish" I held my tongue, realising that Jane was trying to explain how she felt, why she felt like this.
"I've never felt this happy, the last year with you has been the most rewarding, amazing year of my life. The fact that the smartest, most beautiful person I've ever met has allowed me to love her is the greatest gift I've ever had. I've never been so fulfilled, so complete" I went to speak but she silenced me with an anguished look and I settled back, my hands clasped together in my lap, as Jane continued.
"But Maura, I keep waiting for this to end, I so afraid of the consequences if I mess this up. I see someone like Natalie, whose beautiful and happy and outgoing and loving and she scares me, because I wonder when a Natalie will walk into your life and show you how much you're missing out on because you're with me, how much more you could have, should have" I shook my head, wondering what had so unsettled Jane, so caused her to doubt herself.
"Jane, I'm not with you as some sort of temporary surrogate until someone else walks into my life. I love you, only you and I have given you nothing less than all I am. Why do you doubt my love, our love?"
"I don't doubt your love Maura; I'm incredibly humbled to be yours. It's just that I worry that I'll somehow stuff it up and bring all this joy to an end. Losing your love would end me; you're the light and joy in my life, without you I might exist, but I wouldn't, I couldn't live"
I sat back, watching as Jane unravelled in front of me. I felt my heart go out to her as she willingly stripped away the armour, the strong confident bad ass detective persona fell away to let me see inside her, to the shy, repressed and insecure woman behind the mask.
"I'm so afraid Maura, I'm terrified that I'll ruin us, that I'll bring you more pain and drive you away. I'm so sorry Maura, you deserve better than this. You deserve someone better, stronger, not a broken wreck"
I was stunned, Jane really couldn't see her worth, the incredible person she was, her huge heart, the driving desire to protect the weak and the innocent, her unconditional love for her friends and family and her willingness to sacrifice everything for me. She was all this and more yet she couldn't see it, unable to understand that I could no sooner walk away from that person than I could willingly stop breathing.
I looked at Jane, at the tears in her eyes, the scared look in her eyes, and realised something of what it was costing her to willingly let me see her weaknesses, her vulnerabilities, to overcome a lifetime's training in hiding it behind a strong, tough façade.
"Jane, listen to me. It's my turn. You need to let me speak" She nodded tightly, her eyes fixed on me like I might suddenly disappear.
"Before I met you, my life was ordered, calm and perfect. It was also sterile, empty and dead. Then you arrived, you looked inside that cold little world, shook your head and pried me out of it. You dragged me kicking and screaming into the real world, the one that's chaotic and messy and full of all the emotions I couldn't understand and wouldn't deal with" I smiled, remembering those early days. In particular I remembered the poor officers who had been foolish enough to call me "Queen of the Dead" in Jane Rizzoli's presence, by the time she was finished no one ever called me that within my or her earshot ever again.
"Then you stood between that world and me, protecting me while I learned to deal with it, you showed me that the world is full of warmth and joy and happiness and love; especially love. Without you I would never have discovered any of that, you brought that into my life"
"I also brought you pain and suffering Maura, sometimes I think that's all I really bring"
"Completely and utterly incorrect Jane, you've brought me acceptance, tolerance, happiness and love as well and far more of that than anything negative. Yes there's been pain, but that means I feel, something I was never close enough to anyone to really experience before" I paused, looking for an analogy to better explain how I felt.
"Love brings pain, when the one you love is away for a few days, there's pain when they leave, loss while their away and regrets for their absence until they return. If you didn't feel love you would never know those pains, and when the person you love returns, the joy is incredible" I smiled at Jane, trying to let her see how much she means to me.
"The joy you bring me is indescribable, to wake up with your arms around me, to know that even when you sleep you protect me, guard me and shelter me. No one has ever cared enough to do that" I looked down at my hands, where they were clasped tightly together, then back up at Jane.
"When you are with me, I feel that nothing can stop us, together we are stronger than the sum of the parts. We both faced obstacles to being together, work issues, the judgements of our peers, problems with our families, but none of them was of any consequence in the face of our combined strength, nothing could stop us"
"We couldn't let them Maura, I'd rather lose all of that than lose you" I smiled.
"And I feel the same darling. I would rather walk away from that life, if it meant that we could be together, no matter what the costs, we would be together, which is far more important" I waved my arm at the house we lived in, the new roles for both of us.
"In a way we have already done that, we stepped away from our previous life and have immersed ourselves in a new one here. I realise it was particularly hard on you, to walk away from your family, to come with me to California, it's a sacrifice I do truly appreciate you have made for me"
"It wasn't hard Maura, you could've said China or Africa or India or anywhere else and I would have gone willingly, to be with you. Anything, anywhere to be with you"
"Jane, I would have never gone anywhere without you, we're only here because you agreed, I don't want to be separated from you, ever"
"That's how I feel baby, to the ends of the Earth to be with you"
"Then why, knowing how much we mean to one another, do you doubt it?" She looked down at her hands, where she was slowly massaging her scars.
"I don't doubt you Maura, I never have. I admired you from the first time we met, I grew fond of you as we worked together and then one day I realised that I'd come to love you; that life without you was too horrible to contemplate"
"So why doubt it now?"
"I don't doubt you, I doubt me, that I can keep from doing something stupid that'll drive you away, that'll make you realise that the good doesn't outweigh the bad" "I shook my head, hearing the self-doubt and fear in her voice.
"Jane, I cannot even contemplate a life without you, a return to the life I used to have would destroy me, I've had the experience of real life, for the last three years you've been my guide as you showed me a wonderful world I thought forever closed to me" I felt my voice start to break a little, as it caught in my throat.
"For the last year you've given me your heart, a gift without equal and one which no riches could ever buy. You've shown me a love I never imagined, a life that I never contemplated except as a tantalising dream, now it's a reality. I go to sleep knowing the world is right because I'm with you and we love each other and wake knowing that it wasn't a dream, because I wake held safe and warm in your arms and our love is stronger every day"
I could see the unshed tears in Jane's eyes as she stared at me, matched by the ones in my eyes.
"When you have these doubts Jane, I want you to come to me; we can always talk them through. After all we have surmounted to be together, there's nothing we can't talk about, nothing we can't deal with. Will you promise me that?"
She nodded, wiping at her eyes. I wanted so much to rush to her side and cling to her, but I needed to be strong, I had something I needed to do now.
"Maura, I… Of course I will, I want us to be happy, I don't ever want to cause you pain"
I nodded slowly, realising that Jane had given me the opening I needed.
"There is one thing that I need from you Jane, because it does cause me pain" The look of shock on her face, followed by the sheer terror evident pulled at my heart.
"What Maura? Anything, just tell me"
"I need you to consider the risks you take in your job. I understand your job is dangerous, and you're driven to push yourself to make the world safe for others. I'm not asking you to not take risks when you have to, but I would ask you to not take unnecessary risks" Jane's mouth opened, then closed again as she stared at me. I pressed on.
"I've been there once Jane, sitting in a hospital wondering if you would live or die. I don't think I could handle that again. I don't want to get a call, telling me to get to the hospital quickly"
"Maura, I'm a cop, it's not the safest of careers, you know that"
"I do Jane; I'm not asking you to stop being one, just to not take risks you don't have to" I paused, thinking about how I could convince her to do this for me. The truth was the simplest option.
"I can't picture life without you there, beside me, keeping me safe and warm and loved. I don't want to even consider that. I know it's selfish but I want to spend the rest of my life with you beside me, please don't do anything to jeopardise that"
"It's not selfish baby, I want that too"
"Then for my sake, our sakes, please, if there is a safer option, please think of me and take that one. I know it's a lot to ask, but I can't even consider a life without you"
She looked at me; then slowly started nodding.
"How can I refuse you anything? Besides, I want to spend the rest of forever with you"
"I don't want you to not take risks; it's part of who and what you are, just that you think first"
"Maura, how could I deny you this? It's not selfish to want to be together. I can't predict the future, but I can promise you that I won't take unnecessary chances"
"I couldn't ask for anything more than that my darling, as long as you come home safe to me"
"I promise to think first; then act. What we have is too precious to risk"
"There is one more thing I want from you Jane"
"Yes? Anything I can give you"
"Can I have a cuddle please?"
Resting there, held in Jane's strong, comforting arms, I realised just how right this was. How all the world's problems and issues seemed a little less daunting, a little less insurmountable from the viewpoint of being held in her arms, safe and warm and loved.
She leaned in and gave me a soft, gentle kiss. This wasn't a time for passion, it was a reaffirmation of what we had that was at the core of our relationship, the love that bound us together. I leaned into her, hearing her heart beat as I laid my head on her chest.
"The next time you doubt yourself, come to me first, so I can still your fears. Will you do that for me?"
"Of course I will. It's just that I've always struggled to get anything, to succeed and this, what we have together, seems so good, so perfect, that I keep wondering when I'll wake up and realise it's just a dream"
"It is a dream, I'm living the dream I've always wanted, to be loved and love in return" I felt her kiss the top of my head.
"In that case, it's a dream I'm happy to share" We sat there for a while, each cherishing the feel of the other, the closeness and love. Finally a thought came to me.
"You said you've been scared of losing me since we first met. Why did you bring it up now? Not that I'm not glad that you did, but why now?"
"When you were out shopping with Natalie yesterday Ana and I went to the range. While we were there we had a discussion, a difficult one, but one that made me realise that we had to talk" I shifted around to look at her.
"I'm glad you did, if it means you won't doubt yourself again and we talk things through. It must have been difficult though, to open up to someone like that"
"Yeah, it was, but she kind of understood what was bothering me. She explained that when they were starting out she had been insecure as well, but talking had cleared the air between them and laid the foundations for what they have today". I smiled.
"Remind me to thank her. I'm really, really happy we talked today" Janes arms tightened around me.
"So am I" I thought for a few seconds and then frowned, which Jane saw.
"What's up baby?"
"Just thinking; Natalie and I had a discussion about asking you to be more careful. She said that she and Anastasia had discussed that very thing after Anastasia had been badly hurt"
"Do you think they planned it? Steering us like that" I considered Jane's question. It seemed unlikely, the conversation had really just wandered to that point because of what I had said, which Natalie couldn't have predicted.
"No, I don't think so, what about you" Jane shook her head.
"I think they just wanted to share their experiences, kinda help us avoid situations they've had to deal with. They care about us, they really do" I smiled, snuggling into Jane's warmth.
"I like them, they've been good friends to us both and it's nice to have people who really care about us" I felt her head move as Jane nodded.
"That it is, we're lucky to have people who care enough to tell us things we don't want to hear, to have friends, really good ones"
"I'm glad we came to LA, it's proven to be a good decision for a lot of reasons. Natalie and Anastasia are two of those reasons"
"It's good to have friends. It's even better to be loved. I love you Maura"
"I love you too Jane"