Chapter 6 – Cutting, Suicide and Torture

My life had changed for the worse and I had so many built up emotions that I did not know how to deal with.

If I was not beat I found it a privilege, and for a while I would go back to my old self but the anger was always boiling inside me ready to spill at any moment.

I first started cutting after yet another beating, because I figured I was worthless so no one would care and me having pain that was self-inflicted made me feel better about what dad was doing too me.

The first time I cut was when I was in the bathroom hiding from dad who was after me and I noticed the razor on the counter; I grabbed it and in a fit of rage slid it down my arm at first it looked like nothing had happened until the unbearable pain started.

I was silently screaming as blood trickled down my arm, I can't stand blood either so I felt faint but it didn't stop me making another mark on my arm.

I sat behind the door as I waited for it to stop bleeding and there was so much blood I thought it never would.

From that day on I use to cut everyday and had to start wearing long sleeves all the time so that no -one would notice the bandages that now covered my arms all the time as I couldn't deal with the questions.

I was also extremely suicidal; because I just wanted the pain too end.

The first time I tried to hang myself but the string wasn't attached properly, the second time I did end up in hospital as I took an overdose but mum thought I had done it accidently and the last time, I tried to cut myself really deep so I bleed too much but Dynasty caught me at it but she thought I was just being awkward.

I know now my family would miss me but sometimes I think they would be better off without me, there would be no one to ruin things for Dynasty and Kacey and I wouldn't be causing trouble at every opportunity I got. I get in the way most of the time anyway.

I always had a way to commit suicide on hand if I ever felt the need too, I might not have succeeded but I always tried to cause myself pain for example when playing footie with Kace getting hit in the face with the ball and punching walls and glass till my knuckles bled, I beat myself up as well by throwing myself against the wall hard, I would find any way to torture myself as I felt I deserved it and I wasn't worth anything so should be caused pain, I used to punch myself in the mouth as well, until my jaw was cracked, I used to burn myself with lighters and cigarettes, I used to pull my hair as hard as I could until chunks came out, I would find any way to hurt myself and by the time I was 16 had been in hospital over 300 times.