Natsu Dragneel never deserved any of this.

Sure, he was destructive, rude, and a bit of a noisy eater, but he wasn't a bad person. He never deserved any of what happened today at the guild.

All he did was ask a measly question. As for the simple answer that he would have received, he didn't even care that much about.

Why? Why would he bring this upon himself?

...

"Hey, Ice-stripper! What happened yesterday? You weren't answering any of my lacrima calls, I thought you died or something." Natsu yelled out from across the guild.

Erza's questioning gaze snapped to the said person as she sat down next to her friend.

'I might as well have' the Ice-Mage internally sighed, responding, "I was too busy getting it on last night, Juvia can be a real tsundere sometimes, let me tell you."

"Tsundere?" Natsu asked in confusion having just sat down next to them, "What's that?"

There was a long, awkward pause between the other two at the table.

"You have a lot to learn, Ash-for-Brains. "

Erza stared down the pink-haired mage straight in the eye.

"I agree with him, Natsu. We've protected you for too long."

Erza's newest victim -hem, I mean- project quietly whimpered in horror as he slowly realized what was about to happen to him.

"What she said... no wait, I didn't mean that!" Gray cried out, panic etched onto his face.

"Gray, go get Levy and ask her for those books. It's time." The woman demanded with a strange sparkle in her eye.

"Its time Natsu learned about the miracle of creating life."

"..."

"Why are you looking at me like that, Gray?" the serious redhead questioned.

Gray leaned back into his chair. While he wasn't particularly fond of the fire ass, he didn't have the heart to offer him up as Erza's sacrificial lamb.

"Are you sure? I mean, he's Natsu. Even if you do it in front of him, he'd still probably not get it."

"Are you defying me, Gray?" she said ominously, as she whipped her head around to face him head on.

"Nnn..no, I'm just saying the only options are the books or a certain blonde on aphrodisiacs. Don't you think experience is valuable?"

"Why not both?" she countered. "Do you think that would suffice?"

"Fifty shades of flames..." Mira murmured from behind them, "I'll prepare a room."

"Wait, Erza! You probably should go get the Master's opinion- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FOR?!"

x

During this and back and forth insanity, Natsu slowly crept his way out of the guild hall, trying not to get the attention of any of his crazy family before they tried anything freaky. The last time they acted like this was when he walked into the guild totally naked one day after he accidentally burned all of his clothes to a crisp.

That time, Erza gave him a good beating for something like "besmirching the girls' innocent virtue" or something like that.

He didn't really get what the big freak-out about it was; he was just naked, it wasn't like it was the end of the world. Plus, stripper was in his boxers practically all the time and he didn't get beaten half to death everyday. After he'd bandaged himself up, Macao and Wakaba dragged him over to their area of the guild, or as Happy liked to put it, the "perving" table. The older men uncomfortably tried to explain to the boy that while his nakama was his family and that secrets could be shared, there were just some things that needed to be kept private.

Literally.

x

But that was besides the fact, he REALLY needed to get out as soon as physically possible. He crawled slowly to the door, relying solely on his incredible ninja skills.

"NATSU, WHERE THE SEVEN HELLS DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" the she-demon's voice howled from the other side of the guild.

Fuck the ninja shit.

He was never good at it anyway.