Chapter 4: Distract
Apologizing profusely, King Fret and Prince Pine left after breakfast the following morning, for they had a long journey home, even by Warp Pipe. Peasley stayed a couple more days, but eventually Daisy was Peach's only house guest besides Bowser. Those first few days were spent touring the Mushroom Kingdom, with day trips to both the Beanbean Kingdom and southwestern Sarasaland. The visit to Daisy's homeland was interesting, since Bowser hadn't ever seen much of Sarasaland before and even a small chunk of Chai was a novel experience, but the rest of it wasn't overly interesting. Really, the company was the best part – aside from Mario, of course. Peasley was a decent fellow, Daisy and Bowser had a lot of similarities, and watching her interact with timid ol' Luigi was entertaining, but it was always Peach that made Bowser's day.
Of course, with all the other guests, they didn't have much time together, and whenever they did find themselves interacting one-on-one, Bowser made sure to keep Peach interested with almost teasingly mixed signals. In a way, it was teasing himself too – he longed for nothing more than to simply get on with a relationship, but as far as she knew, they barely knew each other, and she'd run for the hills if he came on too aggressively. So he bided his time, dancing around the issue just as he had danced around her that one night – maddeningly close, yet still at distance. Letting her come to him. Getting her to fall in love with him.
"I'm-a surprised Bowser hasn't shown up yet," remarked Luigi at lunch on the third day after the "ambassador"'s arrival.
"It's me," said Daisy matter-of-factly. "I always miss his invasions and kidnappings."
"Maybe he plans it that way," offered Bowser, struggling to suppress a knowing smirk.
"Why? Cuz he's scared of me?" grinned Daisy, her eyes flashing in a way that reminded Bowser of himself. She was a bit scary, actually, but that wasn't the reason.
"Well, if he kidnaps you, your army would get involved. Mario he can handle, but not both at the same time."
Daisy snorted. "True. I mean, he can't even handle Mario alone… Oh, alone or with you too, sweetie."
Luigi smiled sheepishly as Daisy ran her hand down his arm apologetically.
"Well, I can't speak for the other times, but I'm afraid that right now, he's not staying away because of you, Dayz," said Peach. Peasley had gone home that morning and it was just the two Princesses, the two Mario Bros. and Bowser sharing the midday meal, seated around a circular table in the gardens. Peach sat between Daisy and Bowser, across from the bros., and looked around the table as she shared her news. "This morning, I heard from one of our informants that he's sick."
Four days for the news to leak… Could be worse, mused Bowser, before turning to Peach. "Did they say what he has?"
"Something called Blargg Fever."
"Oh, that's good," remarked Bowser. Before he left, they hadn't decided on a cover disease yet, but Blargg Fever was a good one. Nice and obscure, and long-lasting. He wondered who came up with it – probably Larry, or maybe Iggy.
Peach frowned at Bowser's comment. "No, it's not good at all." She looked around at the others as she explained. "I did some research, and it's a pretty bad sickness. It's highly infectious, fast-acting and can last weeks, even months, and no one's really sure how to fight it. It's not fatal, but it's not fun, and Bowser, Kammy and Kamek all have it – those are his Chief Advisors," she added for Bowser's sake, looking at the fake ambassador. She actually seemed concerned.
"Well, isn't that a good thing? He'll be out of our hair, then, right?"
"Oh yeah!" nodded Mario. "We can-a relax a bit."
Peach smiled weakly. "I suppose, but I just feel bad for Bowser…" she turned to the masquerading Koopa King sheepishly. "That probably sounds silly coming from me."
Bowser shook his head. "Not at all. That's just the kind of person you are – a kind person." He always knew she had a soft spot for him, but hearing it straight from her lips sent a rush of warmth spreading through his human body. Acting on impulse, he reached forward and put his hand on hers reassuringly, looking her straight in the eyes with the burning intensity that still threw her for loop. "You care about everyone, even your worst enemy, and that's something awesome."
Peach smiled and blushed as Bowser released her and leaned back into his chair. Daisy was trying to catch her eye, but she ignored her friend as she thanked the ambassador for his kind words and returned to her meal, her hand tingling ever so slightly. "Whip Cream" was still an enigma to her, as was the effect he had on her. No one treated her like he did: he clearly held her in high regards, but he didn't treat her with deference – he acted almost aloof, like he had something she wanted and he knew it. But he didn't, except maybe answers as to why he strutted about with so much swagger, as if he was the king of the castle, as if he was doing her a favour by being there.
It should have been infuriating, but it made Peach all the more curious. Luigi had reassured her that weird eye colours and tinted skin tones were normal for Waffle Kingdom natives (a lucky break for Bowser), but the folks he had experience with hadn't all been cocky, preening, smirking cool customers, so "Whip"'s personality was just that – who he was. He almost reminded Peach of Bowser at times, but not nearly as disagreeable, and she really did enjoy her time with him and her other friends. She just wished that her head didn't swim every time he locked eyes with her, or that she could at least figure out why. It wasn't like when Mario looked at her, his eyes filled with nothing but goodwill and adoration; it wasn't like when Wario sneered at her lecherously; it wasn't even like a certain Dragon-Koopa's glare, as he sized her up like some predatory animal. So what was it like? Peach didn't know, but sooner or later, she'd figure it out.
And Bowser was counting on that, but he knew better than to make it easy for her, and the rest of the day passed uneventfully between them and the others. Mario and Luigi had some business to attend to and left shortly after lunch just as a thunderstorm rolled in, and Bowser, Peach and Daisy ended up playing videogames inside until dinner. Daisy dropped a few massive hints that she wanted some girl time with Peach, so after desert, Bowser left them to it and wandered back to his room. He wasn't particularly tired, however, and just lay around listening to the storm outside, which reminded him of Dark Land.
Then, just as he had started to doze off, the sounds of screams filtered up to him over the rain. In particular, one voice perked up his ears. "Peach!" he gasped, pushing himself up and leaping out of bed, only pausing to pull on his black duster as a makeshift housecoat before he sprinted into the hall. "What's going on!" he demanded at the panicking Toads running about.
"We're under attaaaaack!" one screamed, her comrades echoing her announcement.
"What? By who?" not waiting for an answer, Bowser turned to Kamek and Kammy as they spilled out of their rooms, still fully dressed. "Come on!" he barked, and sprinted barefoot down the hallway towards the commotion, quickly outpacing the elderly humans. The sounds were coming from the main event hallway, where the dances and all fancy dinners were held, and as he skidded into the open doorway, he was greeted by the inexplicable sight of a massive three-headed serpent.
"What the-?"
"Whip! Look out!"
Bowser turned and caught sight of Peach and Daisy cowering behind one of many overturned tables, but the snake turned too, and sent a barrage of tiny embers sailing towards the mysterious redhead. Bowser dived out of the way, and scrambled over to the princesses under the maze of tables.
"What is that thing?" he hissed.
"He's called Tryclyde," said Peach. "The last time I saw him, he was terrorizing Subcon with that vile King Wart."
Bowser felt the colour drain from his face: first that bloody frog turned him into a human and now he was sending his henchmen to attack the Mushroom Kingdom? Not good.
"But how'd he get here?" he asked aloud.
"No idea – there we were, having a perfectly normal slumber party, getting some snacks, putting on dance music, and then 'poof'! Room full of baddies!" explained Daisy.
A slumber party did indeed explain why she and Peach were both running around in their nightgowns, although Peach had a fluffy pink nightcoat pulled over the long loose dress she wore to bed. Daisy was far less modest, in a skimpy orange two-piece number that left most of her chest exposed, with the top stopping a couple inches above her dangerously short-shorts. But now wasn't the time to admire the view – especially not of the Sarasaland Princess, and Bowser instead snuck a peak at the room beyond their table.
As well as Tryclyde, the room was crawling with Cobrats, Porcupos, Hoopster spiders and even a few snowy Flurries. "This is only the first wave," observed Kammy, as she and Kamek joined Bowser and the princesses, having narrowly avoided being blasted by Tryclyde. "Wart's withholding his more powerful minions."
Bowser nodded. "Shy Guys are his specialty, and Beezos and Pidgits?"
Kamek nodded. "And Tweeters."
"How do you know all that?" asked Peach in shock.
"We did our research," grinned Bowser, truthfully: after their own run-in with Wart, he and the ex-Magikoopas read up as much as they could about the Mushroom Kingdom's past dealings with Subcon. Or rather, Kammy and Kamek read about it, and Bowser got the summary version. Still counts, though.
"I don't suppose you know the best way to beat them all, too?" asked Daisy.
"Don't you just throw stuff at them?" shrugged Bowser. "We could smash those spiders and snowmen with no problem, at least. The big snake'll be trickier, but if we each take one head-"
"Then you'll all get fried!" yelped Kammy, grabbing Bowser's shoulder and pulling him back down as he made to lunge over the table. "Remember what we talked about before? You need to be careful as long as you're like this!"
"Yes, you're the ambassador now, you need to be more careful than when you were just the understudy," said Kamek.
Bowser rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna sit here and wait for those things to find us: we can't hide forever!"
"We won't have to – Mario's on his way, I'm sure of it!" said Peach, also putting a restraining hand on Bowser's shoulder.
"Yeah, but he's sure taking his sweet time!" growled Daisy. "Whip has a point – your Toads can only distract these guys for so long."
"Well, Mario usually takes about five minutes to get to the castle during emergencies – eight if he has to wake up."
"Okay, how do you know that?" demanded Daisy.
"Like I said: research," answered Bowser, flashing one of his you-don't-know-the-half-of-it grins before circling back to his point. "Anyway, I'd say we've only been here for, mmm, three minutes, tops?"
"They're gonna get us before Mario and Luigi get here, for suuuure." No sooner had Daisy completed her precognizant lament when the table beside them burst into splinters.
"AAAAHHH! Everyone screamed as Tryclyde came bearing down on them. It was all Kammy and Kamek could do to keep from pulling out their wands, forcing themselves to simply follow Bowser as he rolled under some more tables, throwing a chair at the hydra to cover him and the princesses' retreat.
Daisy and Peach ran the other way, taking cover behind a different overturned table.
"We need something to distract him until Mario gets here!" cried Peach.
"Don't worry, my princess," said Bowser, appearing beside the girls once more, his elderly aids in tow. "I've got the perfect thing in mind – you'll know it when you see it, and be ready to take advantage of it, 'k?" he said with a wink, before taking off again.
"Wait! What- AHHH!" Peach was interrupted by another attack from Tryclyde, who, along with his Cobrat companions, now had the girls and the ex-Magikoopas cornered.
"HEY!" One of Tryclyde's heads looked over balefully as Bowser hopped up onto the stage on the adjacent wall. "What do you think you're doing?" roared the human.
"Getting rid of some pessstssss for King Wart," hissed Tryclyde.
"Pests? PESTS? Who the hell do you think we are?!" bellowed Bowser. "Are you aware that you are in the presence of the sexiest human on the entire Mushroom Continent? – For a limited time only, I might add."
"Oh dear lord," whimpered Kammy, covering her eyes.
Tryclyde hissed, his two undistracted heads still more interested in the princesses.
"Don't believe me?! Well take a look at THIS!" With a flourish, Bowser whipped off his coat, and every jaw in the room dropped. Every Toad and enemy stopped dead in their tracks and Tryclyde's two remaining heads spun around and stared in astonishment at the brazenly naked human on stage.
Her face as red as Tryclyde, Peach ripped her eyes off of Bowser and grabbed Daisy by the shoulders, spinning her around to face her friend instead of the stage. Bowser told them to take advantage of the distraction and they were going to, and watching as Peach pulled out her trusty frying pan from her hammerspace, Daisy caught on to what she had in mind.
Tryclyde's eyes narrowed as Bowser wiggled his butt around on stage, running his hands all over his upper body and sneering smugly over his shoulder at the hydra, while everyone else simply stared at the spectacle in shock. But Wart's right-hand snake wasn't so easily charmed and he opened his mouth, ready to blast the insolent human, when with a pair of resounding "CLANG"s, two of his three heads were knocked out by Peach and Daisy and their wrought-iron kitchen supplies.
"Hssss! Attaaaaack!" spat the remaining head, whipping his tail at the girls, but they hopped away.
His Cobrats showered Bowser with projectile pellets, and he yelped as they peppered his backside. Shit – no shell! Forgot about that! he admonished himself. Beating a hasty retreat, Bowser scooped up his duster and held it in front of his more sensitive bits as he leapt off the stage, but Tryclyde was on his case now, his remaining head beside itself in rage over being made to look like a fool. The princesses may have done the damage, but clearly it had been the naked one's idea, and his ass was gonna burn for it.
Fortunately, Mario and Luigi had been awake when the Mushroom Castle sounded the alarm, and had only taken their usual five minutes to burst onto the scene. They stared in surprise at the room infested with Subcon species, Toads and night-clad princesses, but the real shock came when Bowser bounded past the doorway, stark naked save for the coat bundled up in his arms and mercifully hanging down well past his hips.
"Whip?" gasped the bros. as the redhead flashed them a grin and kept going, but before they could start after him, Tryclyde whizzed past.
"Mario! Help!" screamed Peach as the bros. stumbled backwards, but they didn't need the encouragement and sprang after the still-distracted serpent, taking him down with ease as Bowser dive to safety behind a table with Kammy and Kamek.
"Are you crazy?!" the two oldies screeched as Bowser chuckled.
"Are you kidding? That was great!"
Bowser looked up over the table just in time to see the chaotic battle between the Toads and the various Subcon creatures end in a puff of magic, leaving the Mushroomians blinking in confusion and looking around the enemy-less room. Even Tryclyde was gone, having been reduced to a stunned heap by a couple well-armed chairs to the head moments before – courtesy of Mario and Luigi, who now frowned at the sudden lack of snake.
"Where'd he-a go?" asked Luigi, voicing the question on everyone's mind.
"He must've been spirited away back to Subcon," said Peach.
"By Wart, you think?" asked Daisy, stowing away her frying pan once more, glad she had picked up Peach's habit of carrying one around just in case.
Peach shook her head wearily. "I don't know… We have to find out more. I'll send a messenger to Birdo's place right away: we'll need her insight."
"Hmmm," nodded Daisy, before looking over at Bowser as he watched the group over the edge of the table. Returning his grin she then leaned closer to Peach. "But right now there's someone else you should talk tooooo!" she cooed wickedly, giving her friend a shove in the right direction as she herself brushed past and made a beeline for Luigi. The plumbers were rather confused about the whole naked-Whip thing, but as Luigi opened his mouth to ask Daisy about it, she locked her arms around his neck and gave him a much friendlier thank-you-for-saving-me kiss than Peach had ever doled out.
"That was some distraction," smirked the princess in question as she walked over to Bowser.
"You liked it?" he replied cheekily, sitting up and folding his arms on the table.
Peach blushed again as she avoided the question. "Y'know, it worked almost too well – even Mario and Luigi were stopped in their tracks."
Bowser shrugged. "What can I say? No one can resist the power of my sexy ass."
Or your collarbone, added Peach to herself, blushing even deeper and giggling. "You're crazy, you know that?"
"You're just saying that," said Bowser, quite enjoying the sight of Peach turning as pink as her nightgown.
Peach shook her head, walking away while she still had a shred of dignity about her. Bowser resisted the urge to laugh out loud as he too turned away and picked up his coat, while the ex-Magikoopas stared at him in disbelief.
"Your Incorrigibleness," breathed Kammy. "Please don't tell me the whole point of that stunt was to- to-"
"To get naked in front of Princess Peach," finished Kamek.
Now Bowser really did laugh. "Bwa ha ha ha!" Lowering his voice as he pulled on his leather duster, he winked at his advisors. "Like I said, no one can resist the power of my sexy ass."