Brenda reflects on Sharon Part 1

Brenda's viewpoint

I was sitting in the café, waiting on Sharon to arrive for our regular coffee and catch up.

Well I was; I wasn't exactly sure what Sharon was doing. She'd been a very different person at yesterday's party at Maura and Jane's, all happy and outgoing and very touchy feely. I'd never seen her like that before; it sure wasn't the Sharon I knew.

Or did I? I had to be honest; I didn't really know much about Sharon when I actually dug down. She had been married, had two kids and divorced, before she came to LA. I didn't know much more than that about her life outside the LAPD. Some interests; classical music, art, she ran and worked out in the gym regularly, obviously to keep that sensational body in shape.

I have to admit, she had the body of a woman at least ten years younger, she looked fantastic, especially in that modest black two piece she had on yesterday. I'd never seen her outside suits, but I was pretty impressed by what she normally hid under labels.

I wondered about her behaviour, maybe when she wasn't being scary Commander Raydor of FID she was like that, she was a more relaxed person with me outside work, but she had been very different yesterday. Much happier, far more relaxed, more… intimate? Was that what it was? Was that what she like that when she was relaxed and happy and carefree?

If it was then she should do it more often. I had to admit, once I got used to the touches and the brushes and the close attention and let myself relax, it had been nice to see her being so happy. It was a great afternoon, I hadn't done something that much fun in years, everyone was happy, having a good time, especially Sharon. I realised I hadn't heard her laugh that much ever.

Mind you, I was a good one to talk, I'd had a wonderful time, they were all good company and it had been really comfortable. Very comfortable indeed I thought, remembering their easy intimacy. Well, there was nothing wrong with that, they were in love and happy and good luck to them.

I didn't have a problem with them behaving like that, what they did in their private lives, in the privacy of their own homes, was entirely their business. By accepting their invitation, into their homes, into their lives, I had also accepted their relationships as well. Thinking about it, I had to admit, they were all beautiful women, in love, happy and they had willingly reached out the hand of friendship to Sharon and me, for which I was very grateful.

I caught a flash of navy blue coming through the door and looked up to see Sharon striding towards me, a wide smile on her face. I had to smile back, remembering her chasing Jane around the yard with us and tossing her in the pool, same smile, completely different circumstances.

"Hey sweetie" The greeting was almost familiar now, the quick bend over to give me a peck on the cheek wasn't. I smiled; maybe she was still feeling happy from yesterday.

"Hi Sharon, how was your day?"

"Not too bad, caught an OIS over in Hollywood Division with two uniforms, but it was pretty open and shut; security cameras caught the whole incident, he shot first, twice, before they shot back. He had a chance to surrender and didn't, so when he took the shot, it became a righteous shoot"

"Excellent, I'm glad you were able to come" She smiled again, sitting down.

"So am I" She reached over and placed her hand on my arm. "Before we chat, you ready for drinks?"

"Yes please" She left the hand on my arm as she waved at Sarah to bring the drinks over, I saw they were waiting for us, probably started them as Sharon walked in.

"I'm not looking forward to tonight I have to confess Sharon" She frowned, removing her hand.

"What's the matter?" She peered at me, a worried look on her face for a second before realisation set in. "Oh, the sniper case?" I nodded.

"Yeah, if he runs true to form another young woman's going to be dead by tomorrow morning. It's incredibly frustrating, we're really no closer to finding them than we were after the first victim, or the second, or the fifth"

Sarah arrived with the drinks; I savoured the chocolate as Sharon spoke.

"Look Brenda, you'll get them, sooner or later they all make a mistake or something turns up to link it all together" I nodded slowly, still feeling a bit useless. She reached over and laid her hand on mine.

"It's never easy, but you have to understand you can only do so much. You have a good team, great backup from Maura and Ana, you just need a break" I smiled at her, appreciating the sympathy. "In a way I have it a lot easier. Most of the time I have a shooter and a victim, both of them are known, it's just working out what the hell happened. You have to start from scratch"

"Thanks Sharon, that helps, really it does. I don't think I could do your job, it's tough to have to deal with all the hostility and you're stronger than me to be able to deal with all that" She smiled a happy smile.

"Thanks Brenda, I appreciate it, I think you're selling yourself short, but thanks anyway. Anyway, on to happier subjects; did you have fun yesterday?" I laughed, I couldn't help it.

"Oh good heavens yes, it was fun. You looked like you were having a good time too. I've never heard you laugh so much" She tilted her head, regarding me. "What?"

"You're a good one to talk Brenda Leigh, I was thinking the same about you" I ducked my head; then looked up at her smiling.

"Well I had a good time, they made us feel so welcome and it was good to be out having fun and being able to relax like that"

"That it was, I liked them; they were happy together and happy to have us there"

"Yes. I envy them that. They were obviously in love and so happy and comfortable, it was nice" She nodded slowly.

"Yeah, I envy them that too. It'd be nice to have that again" I nodded slowly.

"It would be, we just have to find it" She snorted gently.

"Plenty of fish in the sea, or so they say"

"I wouldn't know how to catch them. Dating? Ugh!"

"I don't know sweetie, speed dating, online dating services, singles nights, all those fun things people do when they don't want to be single"

"Don't talk about it, the thought of being out on the market again is scary" I shuddered at the thought of it. "I don't even wanna think about looking for someone Sharon, The thought of the singles scene is terrifying" Sharon smiled a small, quiet smile.

"Who knows Brenda, the answer may be closer to home than you think" I laughed.

"Seriously, whose single and worth chasing? Flynn" I don't think so. Sanchez? No thank you very much; Provenza? Eww!" She chuckled warmly.

"Hey, look at the couples yesterday; they ended up with someone they met through work, so it's not impossible. You just have to be looking"

"True, though what they have seems pretty special" She nodded.

"It is. Their so different, Jane and Maura are almost opposites, but it works for them. Natalie and Anastasia are a bit more similar, but they've been together for longer and I suppose that's to be expected in a strong relationship"

"I have to say, it was a bit intimidating walking in there and seeing all four of them, they're all attractive" She snorted.

"That's a nice understated turn of phrase you have there Brenda Leigh; attractive. I would have used the term beautiful or gorgeous or amazing, but attractive works I suppose" I snickered.

"Well it works as well as any I suppose. Honestly, I expected that Maura and Natalie would be, I mean you see it every day, but Jane and Anastasia were the surprise" Sharon nodded.

"Jane has a catwalk models figure and Anastasia; I had no idea she was hiding that" I smiled.

"You can't tell a book by its cover I suppose. Made me feel quite inadequate to be honest"

"Oh Brenda honey, you looked lovely, that swimsuit looked great on you. You have a great figure, damned if I know how given all the junk food you eat" I smiled.

"A healthy metabolism" She narrowed her eyes at me.

"Lucky bitch" I smiled widely.

"Jealous?" Out came the patented Raydor eye roll.

"Hell yes" I smiled.

"Don't be, you looked great"

"Yeah right" She scoffed.

"No honestly Sharon. Look, remember when we carried the plates into the kitchen after lunch" She nodded.

"Well, on the way back I overheard Natalie asking Maura how old she thought you were. Maura guessed mid-50s. That's when Natalie said that if she looked half as good as you at that age she'd be very happy" Sharon blushed slightly.

"Well I work hard at it" I nodded.

"Well honey, it's paid off very handsomely" She leaned in and placed her hand on mine.

"Thank you Brenda, it's nice to be noticed for it" Turning, she waved to Sarah. "We'd better have dinner as you need to get a good night sleep" I nodded, remembering what I was expecting to find tomorrow.

"Afraid so, still, I didn't want to miss our catch up" She smiled warmly at me.

"I didn't want to either; it's always good to see you, even if it was only yesterday"

The rest of the dinner was spent chatting about yesterday's party, work gossip and pretty much anything and everything, before we headed off home.

Walking out to where our cars were parked, not too far apart, Sharon stopped by mine and wished me a good night, then stepped up and gave me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before cheerily striding off to her car.

I watched her drive off with a wave, before I got behind the wheel and headed home.

I needed a good night's sleep to face tomorrow.

I didn't get it.

I found myself sitting on the sofa, nursing a big glass of merlot, while my mind worked away at a puzzle.

Sharon Raydor.

Something had changed; the Sharon I knew and had become familiar with had changed. The new one was chatty and happy and very warm and intimate. She'd been a wonderful friend in the last year, but it was as if we had taken it to a new level. My mind was wondering what had happened.

While the emotional 'Brenda Leigh' side of was just happy to have a wonderful friend like her and happy that she seemed more at ease with me, the logical 'Chief Johnson' side was worrying away, trying to work out why.

Sighing, I put the glass down, sat up straight and started to look at it logically.

Everything had changed yesterday at the party.

In fact it had changed sometime before lunch, as she had been very close, very touchy, very intimate if that was the word, during lunch.

So what had happened? I tried to remember anything special that may have done it. We had been laughing and carrying on, but nothing to indicate that sort of change. It also seemed to be with me, not the others. Maybe it was because she was more comfortable with me.

I still couldn't think of anything she had done. Was it something the others had done? They had chatted to her the same way they did to me, treated her exactly the same, friendly and happy and relaxed.

Was it something I had done? I didn't think so. I don't recall saying or doing anything to her, especially nothing that might have triggered the change in her relationship with me.

Now that was an interesting word; 'relationship'. It covered a lot of things, with different meanings. I reached out and pulled out the dictionary that sat in the space under the coffee table top and looked it up.

I love dictionary's, they provide you with clear meanings in the English language, probably the best language in the world for lying, deceiving and concealing the truth. The word's apparent meaning might be fixed, but a change of tone or intonation could change what it said.

If you didn't have a starting point for a word's meanings though how could you ever get to the bottom of how people were trying to use them to lie and deceive.

There was a kernel of truth in everything someone said, because our subconscious understands the words we use, their real meaning, before our conscious brain tries to twist them.

I was a connoisseur of words, trying to know them, to understand their myriad meanings, to lead me to the truth that was hidden within how they were used.

I flicked across their well-worn pages, skipping to the rear half; then flipping to R.

Here we go, Relationship.

Connection or association; the condition of being related. A connection, yeah, we had one, friendship, or so I thought.

Kinship; being related by blood or marriage. No.

(Music) The level or degree of affinity between keys, chords and tones. Not that one either.

A romantic or sexual involvement. Well, that wasn't it, surely not?

Mind you, to be honest, Sharon's interactions with me had become a lot more intimate since lunch yesterday. She was very touchy feely, gentle presses, her hand on my hand or my arm. If I saw her doing it to a man, I would have thought she was flirting.

I let the dictionary drop to my lap, considering that word, flirting. I'd done it, something similar, when I had been interested in someone; I'd had it done to me as well.

Was Sharon… flirting with me? I ran over what she'd done, how she'd acted, the closeness, the intimacy of her behaviour. Flirting?

Up came the dictionary again; to insinuate emotional affection and/or sexual attraction through charm and playfulness; to play at courtship.

To insinuate affection, well yes, but sexual attraction? Was Sharon a lesbian? And attracted to me?

I had no idea she found women attractive. Mind you, I'd never asked. She had obviously found men attractive, two grown children attested to that, but women?

If she was, well that was her business. Sharon was too discrete to make a fuss about that even if she was, but why now, and why with me?

I mean, I wasn't a lesbian, I'd only ever been with men and I'd never been interested in women. Not that way.

Lesbian; A female who is sexually or romantically attracted to other females. Well Sharon might be but I wasn't. It was silly, why would Sharon think I'd be interested?

I'd never entertained any desire for a woman, never even thought about it. I didn't find it intriguing nor interesting, really, what was Sharon thinking?

Sharon had been friends with me for well over a year without showing any sign of her attraction to me, yet then decided she wanted to flirt with me all of a sudden. Why now? Something had obviously happened yesterday, but what?

I laid my head back, trying to remember everything that had happened yesterday before lunch.

I'd arrived, hopped in the pool, chased Jane around, swam, chatted to everyone, floated around… Oh, hang on.

I remembered. I'd been talking to Sharon; then had been distracted by seeing Jane and Maura kissing.

It had been so gently sensual and loving that that I'd been captivated. Well if I was honest, it had been more than that, it had been very sexual.

I felt my cheeks redden as I remembered that I'd actually found it quite arousing. It had been so long since I'd been intimate with anyone that I probably could have watched two people of any gender kissing and feel jealous. Well, that and aroused if I was honest.

Maura and Jane were beautiful, so obviously in love and seeing them like that, had made me want to feel something like that, to feel what they had.

"Oh no" I moaned out loud, letting my head fall back against the sofa. Sharon must have seen my reaction. I felt so embarrassed, all I wanted to do was die; she'd seen me and noticed my reaction.

That must have got her attention, made her think I was interested. But it seemed a bit unlikely to infer that I wanted to be like them, a lesbian, unless…

"Oh God no" I heard the pain in my voice. She must have been watching me and seen me watching Natalie and Anastasia kissing. That had been so beautiful and loving I hadn't been able to look away. Damn.

I'd watched them, I watched them pour themselves into that kiss, their love and their passion and it had, well it had affected me. Remembering back, I realised that I had found it arousing, they had been oblivious to the world, wrapped up in each other, in their love for each other.

I could see it clearly, kissing on the steps of the pool, the fingers on one hand entwined, the other on Natalie's arm and Anastasia's shoulder, leaning in and kissing, I could imagine that their tongues had been busy. It had probably only been ten or fifteen seconds, but it felt like minutes.

All they had done was kiss, but it had been beautiful. They were beautiful and what they had together was beautiful and I had reacted to that. Well, more than reacted, I had suddenly burned to see them like that. It may have been beautiful, but it had also been hot, so very hot. I could feel my body reacting to the memory still.

"Oh dear God" I whispered. I really wanted to just die now. Sharon had seen me and realised that I had seen it. She must also have seen how I reacted and thought I was interested. But I wasn't, not really. She must have seen me looking at them, saw me reacting and thought that I wanted to be like that.

I didn't really, I'd found it arousing, but that was just because I was lonely. If I wasn't I wouldn't have been interested. I was sure of it.

I sighed, my head falling forward onto my chest; then I sat up, reaching for my drink, before pulling my hand back.

I needed to think about this and I needed to be sober, not drunk. Besides, some young woman was going to be dead tomorrow morning and I owed it to them to be, if not well rested, at least not hung over.

I got up and made a coffee, I needed the caffeine, especially if I was going to think this one through. It didn't matter if it was going to keep me awake; there was no way in hell I was going to sleep through this anyway.

I sighed; it was going to be a very long night.