Brenda seeks a consult
Maura's viewpoint
I was sitting in my office, finishing up my report on the sniper's latest victim, depressingly similar to all the others, with nothing new to be revealed from her body that we didn't already know when I received a phone call from Chief Johnson, asking me if I might be available for a lunch date.
Intrigued, I promised to get back to her and rang Jane. She was still out in the field chasing leads and wouldn't be back in time for lunch, so I was available for the Chief.
Half an hour later I met her at the foyer and we wandered outside, heading towards a cluster of shops. I thought she sounded a little nervous, but couldn't be sure.
"I think there are a number of cafés this way Maura, although I'm not exactly certain what the food's like in them or even what they're offering" Surprised, I stopped.
"Brenda, if you're interested, there is a rather good macrobiotic café about five minutes' walk in that direction" She nodded pensively, before we started walking in the desired direction.
"You don't get out of the office much at lunch Brenda?" She shook her head.
"Mostly I work at my desk or get something delivered, so no, not really" I smiled, hopefully encouragingly.
"Sometimes it helps to get out, some fresh air, sunshine, fresh food, it all helps reduce stress levels, improve digestion and helps you get through the day" Brenda nodded, obviously preoccupied.
"If it would help you Brenda, I'd be happy to arrange for a weekly luncheon where we get out of the office and eat somewhere else. I find I spend too many lunch breaks sitting at my desk as well, especially with Jane out in the field so much lately" She looked across at me, smiling.
"As long as Jane doesn't think I'm taking you on a date, it's bad for team cohesion when a jealous detective shoots her boss" I smiled back, thinking it's good to see her smile.
"I think Jane is aware of the negative career repercussions of such a course of action and would restrain her impulsive nature; if we asked nicely".
"Then by all means, we must ask nicely" We shared a smile at that thought.
With the ice broken we chatted about a few of the cases on our respective desks before arriving at the café with its cute name, Grabbit & Run.
Walking in and being seated, we perused the menu and ordered. The selection was eclectic, but there was enough to satisfy most palates, even Jane liked eating here.
Small talk took up a few minutes before I realised that the Chief was dancing around the reason for the invitation. Normally I would let things go at their pace but whatever it was had bothered her enough to ask to see me, so I decided to press the issue. As I did I reflected that being around Jane so much was starting to rub off on me.
"So Brenda, was there something specific I can help you with? I assume it's not exactly work related, otherwise you would have come and seen me in my office or we would be chatting in yours" She looked at me for a moment, before sighing.
"I need your help Maura, I need your advice, but I'm not sure where the hell I start"
"Take your time Brenda, start with whatever you feel comfortable talking about" Brenda looked down and started fidgeting with the cutlery on the table, clearly buying time.
"It's a… personal matter Maura, and I suppose I need your advice because you have more experience on this than anyone else I can talk to" I tilted my head to regard her, wondering what I could do to help.
"I'm always available for you Brenda, so please feel free to ask me anything" She looked up as the waitress arrived with our meals, obviously grateful for the distraction. We spent a minute or two quietly eating before she next spoke.
"This is really nice Maura, thank you for bringing me here" Letting the silence work for me, something Jane had described as a useful interrogation tool for getting people to talk, I smiled at Brenda and lifted an eyebrow. She looked down at the plate for a moment, before looking back up at me.
"I have a problem and need to consult with a doctor, specifically you" Me?
"I'm not a registered medical practitioner Brenda, if it's a health matter…" She shook her head as she interrupted.
"No, nothing like that Maura, although my mental health might be another matter" I waited as she fidgeted some more before she finally looked up at me.
"Maura, what made you embark on a relationship with Jane?" I sat back; this wasn't quite what I had been expecting.
"I'm not sure exactly what you mean Brenda. I was in love with Jane, I had been for quite a while before we took our relationship to something beyond friendship" She nodded slowly.
"What did you expect from it, what were you looking for" I thought for a moment.
"I wanted to move from being friends to being at a place where I could openly acknowledge what we had together. We were best friends, our lives were already entangled impossibly closely, if it wasn't for the fact that we were in love I am sure we would have matched the medical description of dangerously co-dependent" She smiled weakly, but it was obvious that wasn't the answer she was looking for. I leaned forward and tried again.
"I wanted to go from friendship even if it was a very close one, to a place where both Jane and I could be completely open and honest with each other. I wanted to be able to act on the impulses I had been having for a very long time, to touch and be touched, to love and be loved. The alternative was becoming too painful to contemplate, to love someone but not have them" Brenda pushed her lunch around the plate for a moment before continuing.
"Did you know what to expect?" I sat back, thinking about that question.
"Honestly no. I'd had previous experience with women, but that turned out to be only a rough guide. I'm not talking about the physical side, it was the emotional aspects and quite frankly, I was unprepared for the level of commitment and raw emotion involved"
"How so, you knew you loved Jane, what was different" I considered my response for a moment, organising my thoughts.
"With previous lovers, there had been a level of intimacy. With one of them, who I had been involved with for some time, there had been a level of openness and trust which I had believed was love. I thought he was the love of my life" I smiled softly. "I had no idea of what I was talking about Brenda. Jane stormed into my life and made it hers almost from the moment we met. She was my friend and my colleague and my biggest supporter all at the same time" I took a quick sip of water.
"Jane dragged me out of my comfort zone and into the big wide world, far from the tightly confined, safe place I inhabited. She took the life I had up until then and upended it, shaking it until I fell out and into something completely different. A world of experiences and wonders and warmth and friendship" I looked at Brenda, shaking my head in wonder.
"When she became my lover, she poured everything she had into me, the raw emotional outpouring almost drowned me, but I wanted to drown, to be submerged in her warmth and protectiveness and desire and her sheer love for me, it dwarfed anything I could have ever imagined. Comparing Ian to Jane was like comparing a fire to an inferno. One warmed me, the other consumed me. There was no way I was expecting anything like that" I shook my head again. "I didn't expect it, but having experienced it, I cannot live without it"
Brenda looked at me, her gaze unfocussed, obviously taking in everything I had said. Finally she came back to me and spoke.
"What made you seek out a female lover in the first place?" I looked at her for a moment, as I put two and two together very quickly.
"I was open to sexual experiences Brenda. I'd been approached several times by women who were interested in me. To that point I had been exclusively heterosexual, but I was open to new experiences and the woman I agreed to explore that part of me with was attractive, confident and experienced. Addison showed me that there was pleasure to be derived from a woman that was different from a man. Not necessarily better, but certainly different"
"Do you have a preference?"
"I'd had more male than female partners, partly because there were more men who were both interested in me and of interest to me, than women willing to approach me. Both were satisfying, or at least I thought they were, until Jane" She nodded slowly.
"What is it like, with a woman?" I looked at her as the 'aha' moment that Jane described, when all the clues came together, washed over me.
"It's very different with a woman. With a man it's very physical, men are primarily physical creatures, not that they don't have emotional capabilities, but evolution has made that a secondary capability compared to their physicality. Society may be changing that slowly, but they're normally not as in touch with their emotions as women. With women, it's partly physical, but there's a much stronger emotional content, the emotional experience starts with the first touch, the first kiss. The foreplay with a woman in many cases is as important and almost as satisfying as the actual sex, in fact much of the time the two are almost indistinguishable, with orgasm occasionally achievable during prolonged foreplay" I paused, making her look up at me, before I continued.
"If there is a pre-existing relationship the intimacy is more pronounced, as you have a stronger foundation to build on"
There was silence for almost a minute as Brenda processed the information. I had a very good idea where she was coming from and why she was here, but I decided to let her tell me in her own time. Finally she looked at me.
"It didn't take you long to work it out did it Maura?" I smiled.
"No, the clues were there, it was just a matter of putting them together" She smiled.
"If you ever want a career change to detective, let me know, I'll find a spot for you in my squad" I laughed gently.
"Thank you, but I believe I will leave that particular career path to Jane, one detective in the family is enough" She nodded and looked at me, obviously thinking it through. I leaned in and asked her.
"So, do you know what you want to do, or are you still trying to decide?" She shrugged and then leaned back.
"I still don't know Maura. I sure as hell wasn't expecting it, but now it's here I'm trying to understand what I'm in the middle of"
"Brenda, there was a significant risk involved, especially given your profession, you're a trained observer of human behaviour, so the chances of you recognising what she was doing were considerable. Sharon's decision to nevertheless proceed indicates that she believes the rewards far outweigh the risks"
"Do you?" I considered the question.
"I'm sorry but I cannot give you a definitive answer. On one hand, the relationship I am in is satisfying in ways I previously could not even begin to comprehend, but it is based on a deep love that existed before the start of the physical relationship. I don't think you have that same background with Sharon, or at least not yet, so I cannot give you a definitive answer" Her reply was quiet but full of emotion.
"So what do I do?"
"Are you prepared to enter a physical relationship with a beautiful woman, who obviously desires you, to risk that it may fail; to take the chance that it may be all you seek?" Her voice was strained.
"God help me, I don't know" I leaned forward, set my elbows on the table and rested my chin on my interlaced fingers. In the back of my mind I could hear my childhood tutor's voice telling me not to put my elbows on the table, but ignored it; more of Jane's influence.
"Brenda, I understand that it's a big step, especially when you have no prior experience with a woman as a lover. I had that experience, so taking the step into a physical relationship with Jane was an easy decision to make, the logical one" I paused, considering my words.
"You need to talk to someone who is coming from the same place you are, who faced the same challenges you now face"
"Who?"
"Either Natalie or Jane, I believe Anastasia had some experience before meeting Natalie. Natalie had to face an unknown in choosing to take the step into a lesbian relationship, even though she was the one to initiate it" I paused for a moment, considering Jane.
"Jane, like you, had not considered entering a relationship with a woman, she strongly self-identified as heterosexual; in part due to the societal pressure she faced as the youngest detective in the Boston Police Department, the first ever female detective in homicide and the only female homicide detective for years after that. As you can imagine in that environment, where she chose to not become involved with work colleagues, there were some questions about her sexuality which only reinforced her heterosexual normative identity" I shrugged.
"When you add the strong Catholic environment that she was raised in, the challenges for her to overcome to enter a relationship with a woman were very hard to surmount. I'm being honest when I state that if it hadn't been for her love for me, she may never have chosen to break through that barrier. On the other hand, as you are aware, Jane is a magnetic, charismatic individual and as we have since discovered, equally attractive to women as to men. There is a strong possibility that she may have entered into a relationship, or at least experimented with a woman at some point, even if I hadn't come along" I paused, as Brenda considered what I had said.
"Addison has met Jane and told me that if Jane hadn't been mine, she would have crawled naked over broken glass to seduce her, to have her. She also told me that if I was ever stupid enough to let her go, she had rights of first refusal." Brenda smiled gently at my attempted joke, though she may have just been polite.
"Brenda, I would have been foolish to pass up the opportunity to experiment, firstly with Addison and later with others. If I had not done so the chances of being as happy as I now am would have been significantly reduced as I would probably not have been as receptive to the possibility of an intimate relationship with Jane"
I sighed; saddened by what we might have missed out on, how much time together we wasted.
"We probably would have remained platonic close friends; eventually our refusal to face our growing love for each other, well, at best we would have been miserable, it may well have destroyed us"
Brenda nodded gently, looking out the window for almost a minute, processing everything, before coming back to me.
"Do they know?" I nodded once.
"Yes, we all realised what was happening during lunch" She looked down at her plate.
"Oh god" It came out as a whisper. I hesitated for a moment then pressed ahead.
"Brenda, you need to know, we may have been complicit in what Sharon was doing" Her head jerked up.
"Complicit; how?"
"We all recognised that Sharon was flirting with you, quite obviously she had determined that she wished to engage in a relationship with you. Equally obviously she wanted a serious relationship, she wouldn't have risked your friendship for anything less" Brenda nodded slowly, staring at me.
"And?"
"I believe we all gave our tacit approval to her actions" She looked appalled.
"Why? How?"
"Brenda, you are a lovely woman, someone who is intelligent, attractive, vivacious and desirable. But it's also equally obvious that you have submerged yourself in your work for the last year, if not longer, to the detriment of your work life balance" I waved around me to the café we were in.
"You've worked in the same building for several years but have almost no knowledge of the surrounding area, you admit you spend your lunches at your desk, you work late most nights, except the nights you meet up with Sharon after work, your squad worry about you" I held my hand up as she went to speak.
"They won't interfere, but they do have their concerns about you. You are very fortunate; your squad; your friends, are extremely loyal to you, that loyalty extends to your health and well-being" I could see she was processing that, so I pressed on.
"When we saw Sharon taking the first steps in what was obviously a plan to draw you into a relationship, we all individually made the decision to say nothing, however Sharon must have realised that we had recognised what she was doing" Brenda was silent, her face unreadable.
"Sharon looked at each of us during that lunch, when your attention was elsewhere, as if she was looking for support. We each indicated that support. When I spoke to Jane that evening, we both agreed that if Sharon proceeded, then we would say nothing and do what little we could to encourage and support it; because of the chance it gave you to be happy" Brenda's voice was quiet, I couldn't tell if she was angry or not.
"What gave you the right to make that choice?"
"Probably nothing. But each of us is happy Brenda; we saw the chance for you to be happy as well, so we chose to do nothing to stop Sharon and may have provided her with moral support and approval"
The silence reigned for more than a minute before I spoke again.
"Brenda, I apologise for my actions if they've caused you pain, the only mitigating factor I can offer is that our intentions were good and yes, I know what they say about the paving on the road to hell" Brenda slowly shook her head.
"I feel like I'm trapped here. Sharon's actions have changed my life and I feel like I have no control over this. That no matter what happens she's taken control of my actions"
"I disagree. You may feel that you have lost control but that is entirely inaccurate. You are the one being pursued, the desired party. When you had men pursue you in the past, did you feel like you had lost control in that situation?"
"Well no, but men are pretty straightforward, you can lead them where you want them to be. Let's be honest, when it comes to relationships they think first with their cock then with their heads" I laughed, happy to have an opportunity to try and break the tension which had grown around us.
"Brenda, I can assure you, scientific studies have conclusively proven that the male circulatory system can provide enough blood to supply both the brain and the penis at the same time, no matter what our personal, practical experience might suggest" It worked; she smiled at me, appreciating the attempt to lighten the mood.
"Women though, they're complex and I've no experience there"
"On the contrary, you have a lifetime's experience to draw on. You are a beautiful woman, used to being desired, confident in using those looks to influence the actions of those around you. Jane has relayed some of the more interesting stories the squad has passed on to her of your interviews, how you have walked into the interrogation room and controlled the outcome to achieve a conviction" I leaned forward, intruding just a fraction into her space.
"Are you telling me that after dealing with murderers, serial killers and the dregs of humanity, you cannot control the speed and course of a tentative relationship?" Brenda sat back, a look of surprise on her face.
"Of course not, I mean, that's different. That's work"
"And this isn't, but I understand why it's a challenge. You are excellent at your job, based on your experience and training, your track record speaks for itself. You believe however that you lack experience in dealing with what Sharon is doing. I am simply pointing out that with the lifetime's experience and expertise that you have developed dealing with people, you'll find that you will come to understand that this is not so different than what has gone before"
Brenda looked uncertain, so I pressed onwards.
"If you were being pursued by an attractive, older man, with whom you were friends, who was gently flirting with you and who you realised wanted to pursue you romantically, would we be having this discussion?" She looked at me for a moment.
"No, I don't believe we would"
"Neither do I, Sharon may be a woman, and that may be new for you, but attraction and desire are pretty universal"
"So what do I do now?"
"Talk to Natalie and Jane, they have a perspective that I do not, their experiences are different and may prove to be more relevant to you" She nodded slowly and then looked closely at me.
"Why did you agree to support Sharon?"
"You deserve to be happy Brenda. You should be happy. If it wasn't Sharon, but instead a male version of her, then we would have been similarly supportive. We are not cheering her on because of some lesbian recruitment drive…" Brenda's sudden smile was bright and sunny and very welcome. "We just want you to be happy and it seems Sharon is the best opportunity for you to be happy and loved that has emerged"
"It's all your fault you know" I looked at her in surprise.
"How so?"
"You and Jane, you make it all look so easy and wonderful and perfect, it's hard not to want that as well. Same with Natalie and Anastasia" I shrugged.
"We have had to overcome a regrettable number of dramas in our relationship. There were significant issues with some less than supportive work colleagues, plus Jane's Catholic upbringing, some of Jane's family has…issues" I winced inwardly at Jane's brother Tommy's reaction to the news; he hadn't taken it at all well. He had been interested in me and had not liked losing to Jane in my affections, even though it really was no contest. Tommy was attractive and charming however Jane was well... Jane. Putting that aside I resumed speaking.
"There were also issues with my parents; they had some strong opinions about whom and what I should marry, they weren't as supportive of my decision as I would have hoped" I frowned at some of the arguments I'd had with my father, in particular his declaration that Jane was 'beneath my station as an Isles'.
"They were some of the drivers behind my decision to look for relocation away from Boston, a chance to have some clear air to let our relationship grow, to be happy" Brenda nodded slowly.
"You certainly seem happy and while I wasn't aware of the issues that drove you to come to LA, I'm certainly glad you came" To my very considerable surprise Brenda reached out and laid a hand over mine. "In fact I'm very grateful you came, I consider myself very fortunate to have had the opportunity to be your friend" I felt my cheeks redden as I blushed and I looked down at my plate as I composed myself.
"Jane and I have really enjoyed being here; you, Sharon, Anastasia and Natalie, the members of Major Crimes, you've all been very kind and welcoming to us"
"Would you like to stay beyond the six months?" I looked up at Brenda in surprise.
"I hadn't really considered that, I am still expecting Doctor Morales to return. Have you heard anything to change that?"
"No, but as a Deputy Chief I have some level of influence on the LAPD, as does Sharon in her role. We'd both want you to stay, no matter what else happens" I looked back down, suddenly feeling very awkward.
"I couldn't ask you to do that Brenda, it would place you in a difficult position and neither Jane nor I would wish to do that" She laughed, forcing me to look at her.
"Maura, it certainly wouldn't be the first time and at least this this time it'd be for a good cause. And no this isn't some lesbian solidarity recruitment drive thing" I looked up shocked, to see her grinning at me. I felt the relief flow though me.
Despite everything, Brenda was still my friend. As Jane would say, 'we're good'. Thinking of Jane reminded me.
"I'd have to talk to Jane about it, but I would certainly like to, we've only been here a short time but it feels very right" She nodded slowly.
"Indeed it does Maura, indeed it does"