Brenda quizzes Anastasia

Brenda's viewpoint

I was sitting at my desk, thinking over everything that Maura had said at lunch yesterday. She'd certainly given me much to think about, including her advice to talk to the others about this.

I'd been watching Jane at her desk since she'd returned, wondering how to approach her. Jane's position as my direct subordinate was making it harder to talk to her; I'd have to find a way to engage her away from the office.

As I watched, Anastasia wandered in and made her way to Jane's desk, trading hello's with the rest of the squad. Since her arrival she had meshed into the team to the point that she was almost an honorary member of Major Crimes. Not that I could blame them, in addition to being very good at her job, her personality and looks made her welcome, even though her personal life was well known to everyone by now..

While Anastasia had some prior experience with relationships with a woman before Natalie, I still felt that her viewpoint was worth getting. I mean, she was a major contributor to Sharon's decision and apparently knew what was happening, so I had nothing to lose from chatting to her.

Coming to a decision, I stood up and wandered out into the squad room, asking her to come into my office when she was free. It was no surprise that she immediately followed me into my office; rank does have its privileges.

Asking her to have a seat I closed the door and pulled the blinds shut, remembering it was the first time I'd done that since the terrible days of Goldman's witch hunt. I turned to see Anastasia standing there with a questioning look on her face. I switched to Russian in a move to put her at ease.

"Kak dela?" *

"Spasiba, horošo. A u vas?" **

"Dobryj spasiba" *** I smiled, before dropping back into English.

"Please, have a seat Anastasia" I directed her to one of the chairs, as I sat in the other.

"There's nothing wrong, but I would like to chat about something" She cocked her head at me and smiled.

"Sure Chief, how can I help?" I smiled, hopefully putting her at ease.

"I need some advice of a personal nature, and it was recommended that I seek out some people whose experience in this area might be useful" I watched as she considered my words, frowning slightly at the evasive manner in which I'd deliberately framed it.

"If there's anything I can help you with, please ask" I smiled as I anticipated the bomb I was about to drop in her lap.

"Why did you enter a relationship with Natalie?" She opened her mouth, then closed it, looking at me strangely.

"That's an interesting question Brenda"

"Yes it is"

"You were there last Sunday, you heard our story" I nodded slowly.

"That I did, I heard the how, but not the why" She settled herself back in the chair, looking at me, obviously wondering where this question had come from. Her grey eyes regarded me coolly, but I could see the mind behind them rapidly working, examining options, constructing theories, working everything out. I found it fascinating, seeing the investigator part of her mind work.

After about twenty seconds under her intense gaze, which was increasingly hard to meet, she nodded to herself once and leaned forward, her eyes softening.

"I wasn't initially looking for a relationship. I just wanted to be her friend. I liked her, her personality, her outlook on life; it made a nice change from mine at that point in time. I was in a not particularly nice place emotionally at that time and Natalie was a ray of sunshine in my life" I nodded and rested my chin on one hand while she continued.

"The more time I spent with Natalie, the more I came to like the person I saw. Yes, she's absolutely gorgeous, but it was the person inside I liked. She had a positive energy that I found myself really responding to"

Anastasia paused for a moment, obviously deciding on how far to go. I thought of saying something but decided to not push it, instead let her decide what she wanted to say.

I watched as she came to a decision, leaning back in the chair.

"Brenda, I was an army kid, my dad brought me up as he was posted from place to place. My mom had been killed in a car accident when I was seven, I don't think he ever got over it. He certainly never showed any interest in any other woman. He just concentrated on raising me as best he could" I nodded slowly.

"There really wasn't a lot of doubt that I was going to join the army, I mean dad never pushed me, but I grew up steeped in the army ethos, courage, honour, discipline, respect. It was just a natural course of action. I went to West Point, graduated in the upper third of my class; it was a proud day for me and a prouder one for him"

"I went into military investigations, basically I was an MP. I went to Afghanistan on my first tour, saw a lot of unpleasantness, but saw that we were trying to free a lot of people from a form of bondage; the Taliban kept women there like slaves. We were helping them be part of a better world" She shifted in her seat, trying to get comfortable at what were obviously unpleasant memories.

"Then, on my next tour, I went to Iraq. I was sure of what we were doing, that we were fighting to make the world a better place, bringing democracy to a nation that had been crushed under a madman. Then I was assigned to a special task force investigating some unpleasant stories coming out of a US run prison called Abu Ghraib" She looked up at me, her face a still mask.

"I was part of the initial US inquiry into what happened there and then got assigned to an international investigation team that dug down to find out the extent of what went on in that hell hole." I realised Ana was no longer with me, she was somewhere far away.

"In there, I saw the entire ethos I had instilled in me as I grew up, the tenets of the life I had chosen, all be ruthlessly violated. I saw people who claimed to be upholding democracy behave as badly as the people we were supposed to be liberating them from" She sighed softly, her eyes closed.

"The investigations team I was with was made up of people from a range of Coalition countries, we had Brits, Aussies, Poles, Latvians, Koreans, Germans, Canadians, lots of different nationalities, but we were all soldiers' first, military cops and lawyers second. We were all appalled by what went on in there, irrespective of nationality. It was a breakdown in military discipline that turned soldiers into sadists" Anastasia's eyes opened and she stared straight at me.

"It happened inside the army I was a part of and it shook my entire belief in what I was doing, the institution I was a part of. After the investigation finished I took leave and went home to talk to my dad. He found what had happened in there to be incomprehensible, a critical failure of unit discipline and of the army's esprit de corps" She sighed again, a soft sad sound.

"I ended up leaving the army; I'd lost a part of my soul in that place, interviewing soldiers who didn't understand that they were wrong, that they had perverted their oaths and become no better than the people they despised. Seeing their senior officers either staying silent or covering their own sorry asses by abandoning their subordinates"

"I can't say the army was sorry to see me go, I'd made more than a few enemies, very senior people who thought it was unpatriotic to prosecute the cases against the guilty to the full extent of the law, that they were 'only rag heads' and it didn't really matter what happened at Abu Ghraib. I saw the trials through, gave my evidence, saw the guilty prosecuted, or at least as many as we were able to get to and then left Iraq and the army"

"I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I was advised to try the Bureau by someone who had been part of the Iraq investigations, a National Guard MP who was a Special Agent back in the US. He put in a recommendation for me and the Bureau ended up taking me on" Ana smiled softly at me.

"So by the time I got assigned to Seattle to be a junior agent I was a pretty messed up person. I buried myself in my work, worked hard to build a new life with the Bureau and then one day got called out to a kidnap/hostage situation, where I got to know an attractive reporter named Natalie Dearing and the rest is, as they say, history"

I sat there for a few seconds, processing everything she'd told me, trying to understand everything that had happened.

"Anastasia, I didn't mean to force you back to that place and I'm very sorry I did" She surprised me by smiling back at me.

"It's ok Brenda. I understand why you're asking and you deserve the truth. Anyway I was attracted to Nat because she had what I didn't, she was bright and sunny and happy and optimistic. She was like a bright light in the darkness and I was drawn to it, it filled a part of me that I used to have but which was empty now"

"I fell for someone who was everything that I wasn't anymore, I used to be like her and now I wasn't. I happily spent as much time with her as I could, even though I wondered what she saw in me to let me into her world. I certainly never imagined that we could be more than friends, let alone that we would ever be lovers" She smiled softly, obviously thinking of Natalie.

"I'd had a short lived relationship with another woman, the fabled 'college experimentation' thing. She was another cadet at West Point, we seemed to click, but it wasn't going to last, we were young, going in different directions and it wasn't really serious, or so I thought at the time"

"I'd had a few relationships after leaving West Point, I was in the army, surrounded by lots of young, fit, handsome guys" She shrugged. "It wasn't hard to find someone. Some were good, some bad, some exceptional" I couldn't stay silent.

"Exceptionally good?" She smiled.

"And bad. Too much the macho jock stereotypes; the combat arms tend to be filled with alpha male specimens. Not exactly the nurturing types, particularly when we were in a combat zone, Mostly it was a physical release. There were two who were special, but one went back to his wife, who he had neglected to tell me about. The other was killed by a roadside IED in Eastern Iraq" Ana looked away, turning her eyes to the desktop.

"I was in the final part of the Abu Ghraib inquiry, so you can imagine my mental state at the time" Ana paused for a minute, her eyes seeming to dim. "Not long after I heard that the girl from West Point, Kelsey, had died in Afghanistan, killed when her helicopter went down on a night operation. I was in Baghdad at the time, but only heard about it a month after it happened. I was in a bad state before I heard, I was pretty devastated afterwards, it seemed everyone I cared about was dying or gone"

"Bozei moi…" **** I felt my chest clench, I had no idea of the pain this woman had gone through.

Anastasia looked at me closely, obviously seeing the sympathy and regret on my face.

"It's ok Brenda; it's now in the past. I'm telling you this so you have some context for Natalie"

"It may be in the past Anastasia, but it's not ok. I didn't mean to bring these memories back. I should let you go…"

"No!" I blinked at her certainty. She paused for a moment.

"I want you to know this because you need to know the state I was in, before Natalie healed me. I'm telling you this because I understand why you're asking and I think it's important that you understand what you have in front of you" I ducked my head for a moment, ashamed that I was tearing open old wounds, but grateful that she thought I was worth the pain. I had to ask though.

"Why"

"You have an opportunity to be happy Brenda. Sharon is a lovely person, doing a really shitty job. She's reaching out to you because she thinks you're worth it, something I agree with. But it's not just about you; Sharon deserves to be happy too" She tilted her head to one side for a moment, regarding me.

"Honestly, I think you could make her happy and I want you to understand the positives you could have. I'm sure you're full of misgivings, concerns, fears, whatever. I'm telling you that I was worse than you, but I was made whole by Natalie, the same way Sharon could make you whole and you could make her" I nodded slowly.

"Spasiba ***** Anastasia, I really appreciate your candour and your honesty"

'S'ok, it's the least I can do" She shrugged. "Anyway, I was pretty fucked up by the time Natalie walked into my life. She was a bright light in my pretty dark life. Me; I thought she was impossibly beautiful, full of joy and kindness" Anastasia sighed.

"I know it sounds corny, but she was an angel of sunshine who brought light to my world. I wanted to have her in my life, to be her friend, to have her be mine. I really had no expectation that it would be anything more than that" She gave a short laugh, almost a snort.

"I know that might be hard to believe Brenda, I mean, she's beautiful, unbelievably gorgeous. Everyone wants her, men and women. But it wasn't just that I thought she was way too good for me, I really didn't think I was worthy of being loved" She shrugged again. "Like I said, I was a mess"

"So what changed you?" Anastasia looked at me quietly for a moment.

"She healed me, being her friend, taking an interest in me, talking to her; she opened me up and made me believe I could be the person I once was. We became friends; although what she saw in me back then I have no idea. I had fallen for her, not hard to see why, lots of people do" She smiled softly.

"I'd fallen in love with her, but always assumed that she was forever out of my league, that she was too good for me, and that I would be content with her friendship. Besides, she'd never even considered a relationship with a woman before, so why start one with me?"

"She must have seen something special in you" Anastasia smiled at my comment.

"You couldn't have convinced me that I was anything special back then. I was seriously fucked up."

"So what happened?"

"Well you heard our story, but it didn't really end there. It wasn't happily ever after; kiss and the credits roll stuff. I tried to explain to Natalie that I was damaged and she may not like what she found in me. Seriously, that only seemed to make Natalie more determined to make it happen. For the first few weeks, we just talked, spent hours on the couch talking, cuddling and kissing, as we explored our feelings and what we saw in each other" Looking at me, Ana spread her hands, palms up.

"I discovered that Natalie had her own insecurities, her own areas that needed my support. In particular, the fact that I had tried to tell her that she might not want me. No one had ever turned her down, all her experience had been being an object of lust, yet here was someone who desperately loved her warning her not to get involved, trying to stop her getting hurt. No one had ever cared enough to see beyond the package, to care about the person inside" She smiled.

"Then I came along, and the more she got to know me, really know me, the more she saw that I was trying to protect her. I'd stand between her and any harm, even if that harm came from me. Well, that was never going to happen, Natalie poured herself into me, filled me up with love and made me realise that I could be whole again, with her" I nodded slowly, considering her words.

"Brenda, Natalie and I are almost like two halves of the same brain. It sound's clichéd, but it's not. She's the emotional, creative, feeling half; I'm the clinical, rational and analytical half. She's constantly dragging me towards feeling more; I drag her into thinking before emoting. Not that she isn't rational, or acts without thinking, but she's so full of warmth and happiness and love that she can't help but reach out to people. You've seen it" She shrugged.

"How do you think we became friends with Maura and Jane so quickly? We knew no one here and Nat needs people in her life to love and cherish. Natalie felt they were good people and reached out to them, made them part of our lives and us a part of theirs. We went from strangers to dinner parties and shopping and nights out together in only a couple of weeks. It wasn't planned or anything, just Nat naturally reaching out to them, wrapping them in her love and pulling them into our lives, while dragging me along with her. Not that I was complaining" I nodded slowly.

"Yes, I remember her invitation to lunch, I never even considered saying no" She smiled.

"That's Nat, inside your defences without you even knowing it" I nodded.

"So you embarked on a relationship, was it hard for her, being with a woman?"

"No, not really; it wasn't about mind blowing sex, we just moved from taking and cuddling and kissing on the sofa to doing the same thing in bed. She didn't want to rush me; I was scared to push her, as that was all anyone else had ever wanted from her. When it happened, it was an emotional thing, not a sexual thing" She laughed happily, a welcome sound after the quietness that had enveloped the room during her story.

"Not that the sexual side wasn't amazing when we set our minds to it. Oh my god Brenda, I thought I knew about sex, but I'd never had sex mixed with love before, not like that. It wasn't about getting release, it was about wanting to give everything to the other person, to ensure that they were comforted and fulfilled and complete" She paused and looked at me, considering me through half lidded eyes.

"Brenda, I know what you're asking. Honestly, you and Sharon will work it out. You're both experienced, mature women, you both know your way around female anatomy and around your own minds. Don't fixate on the fact that you've never done it before, instead look at it as an opportunity to love and be loved. To be happy"

I sat there for a few moments thinking. Anastasia had opened herself up to me, shown me a part that I was sure very few people knew about. I owed it to her to be equally honest.

"Anastasia, I'm scared. Part of me wants it, part of me is terrified. I've messed up relationships before, made mistakes and ruined everything. I'm afraid I'll do it again"

"Which part's scared Brenda, the Chief Johnson part or the Brenda Leigh Johnson part?" I looked at her, considering how knowing that question was, wondering if I was that transparent. She nodded slowly before continuing.

"As Chief you're in control, people either do as you want, or you convince them to, or you push them aside. Being with someone means giving up some of that control. Mind you, I don't think you have much choice. Sharon Raydor doesn't strike me as the type to back down from anything or anyone, not for something important" I smiled.

"I have some experience with that"

"So I've heard" It was said so drily I had to laugh. "Brenda, you are old enough to see past the labels that some people may assign to what you're doing. You want to be happy, Sharon wants to be happy and you have the chance to be happy together. I can attest that it beats the alternative hands down"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

"Brenda, when it comes to the sex part, if that's what worries you; don't. It's just two people both looking for happiness and pleasure and comfort and release and trying to make it great for the other person. Don't overthink it, just go with what feels right and the rest will come naturally" She laughed.

"Look at me, talking about feelings and emotions, you can see Natalie's good work right there" I smiled.

"Remind me to thank her for her good work then"

"I do, every single day. She healed me, made me a better person, made me love again" She smiled happily at me.

"Look, I don't care if you and Sharon hide it, or shout it from the rafters. Natalie and I will support whatever you choose to do, same with Maura and Jane. We're your friends, it's what we do. We don't judge, we accept, just try and make Sharon happy and be happy yourself"

"Spasiba ***** Anastasia Katarina, I'm grateful for your help" She smiled warmly; it was so hard to rationalise the lovely, warm person in front of me with the dark, wounded spirit she had been.

"Udači ****** Brenda, but I don't think you need good luck. Sharon wants to love you; it's up to you to let her. After that well, just play it by ear, your instincts will guide you"

"I can't thank you enough Ana"

"Don't thank me Brenda, thank Sharon, she's the one offering to heal you"

Translations

* How are you?

** I'm fine, thank you. And you?

*** Good thank you

**** My God!

***** Thank you

****** Good luck