Brenda and Sharon do dinner, not a date Part 2
Brenda's viewpoint
"What do you want Brenda Leigh?" Sharon's voice was quiet and low, but that didn't help.
I knew it had been coming, but that didn't make it any easier to answer.
I shifted in my chair, trying to buy more time, I wasn't sure if I could be as honest as she had been, Sharon had been raw and open and honest and had told me in no uncertain terms what she wanted, I owed her enough to be as honest as I could in return.
Steeling myself, I took a breath and launched right in.
"I honestly don't know what I really want from life, my life keeps getting turned upside down. My first marriage, that stupid damned affair I'll never live down, then my marriage to Fritz, they all ended badly. The only thing I have in my life that I'm satisfied with is my job" I fiddled with the cutlery on the table, glancing up at Sharon as she watched me, sitting perfectly still and calm, taking in every word.
"I'm a lot like you in that respect Sharon, I love my job, it's what I'm best at, it's what got me up out of bed when Fritz left and it was the only thing that I could be certain of. I'm damned good at it; even the people who don't like me in the LAPD or the FBI or the DA's office have to admit that. It's who I am; it's how I define myself"
"My problem is that everyone I meet sees the person they want me to be, not the woman I am. My first husband saw a little stay at home wife who'd keep house, be a lady in the kitchen and a good little whore in the bedroom. Pope saw a nice play toy on the side, someone to make up for the fact that his wife was a crabby, evil bitch" I paused to take a sip of wine.
"Fritz saw someone to be happy families with, all white picket fences and kids and keeping a perfect home for him to come home to. None of them saw who and what I was; they all saw who they wanted to see. But that's not me, it never was, I'm my own woman, but they didn't want her, they wanted the woman they thought I was, not who I was, really" Sharon nodded slowly.
"Very few people realise I'm Chief Johnson before I'm Brenda Leigh. Anyone can be Brenda Leigh, but only I can be Chief Johnson" I shook my head a little. "Damn, that sounds stupid, let me try that again"
"What I mean is that it's what I do that defines me, not who I am. Anyone could be a little blonde woman from Atlanta with poor dress sense and a chocolate obsession and a really messy personal history, but only I can be Chief Johnson. Only I can look back at all the people who might have got away with murder except for me, for what I did. I helped make sure they went behind bars because that's what I do and, god help me, it's the one thing I'm very good at" Sharon was utterly still as I laughed, a bitter sound even to my ears.
"I'm a manipulating bitch, a lying cunt, a flouncing whore, a southern slut, trailer park trash, you name it, I've been called it but it doesn't change the fact that not only are they right, but I'd do every last thing the same if I had to, every last decision I've made in my job in the last seven years" Sharon's voice was even and calm, as she asked the question I expected.
"Even Turell Baylor?"
"Even Turell Baylor"
"Why?"
"Because he shot and killed an old man and a young child in cold blood and he would have walked away scot-free. I wanted him to face court, to be convicted and go to jail for life, or rot in San Quentin until the death penalty was carried out, instead Pope gave him a get out of jail free card. Sharon, no matter what may have been the right thing in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of justice, Baylor paid for his crimes"
"That's not really your call Brenda, we're supposed to follow the rules; it's what makes us different from vigilantes, better" Her voice wasn't accusing or judgemental, simply stating the facts.
I sighed, looking down at the table and massaged my temples.
"I know Sharon, I know. Deep down I know your right and I'm wrong, It's why you're so good at your job, you never lose sight of what's right, even though the rest of us lose our perspective, you have to be there to remind us that the only way we should go is the right way" I sighed.
"I just have difficulty in letting the criminal scumbags go. Damn, I sound like Flynn" She chuckled, breaking the tension.
"Andy Flynn has a somewhat hard line view on right and wrong" I looked up at her, raising my eyebrows. She just continued smiling, when I said nothing she gave me a nudge back to the subject at hand. "You were talking about what you wanted Brenda"
"What I want? I suppose I want to be accepted, to have someone who understands what I am, why I do it and why it's so important that I do it well"
My eyes followed an older couple as they stood up and left, their evening coming to a close, heading home after a big night out.
"I need someone who understands that I'm married to the job, that the job is a massive part of who I am and what I am, that I define myself by who and what I am, that I'm not what others want to see" I sighed.
"I suppose I want someone who wants me for being me, not for being someone I'm not"
My eyes flicked back to find Sharon watching me, to anyone else she would look all dispassionate cool regard, but I could see the soft warmth in her eyes. It had taken a long time and I still missed a lot, but I had learned how to read Sharon, at least sometimes.
I sighed again, closing my eyes as I felt like I was opening my soul, but I owed her the truth, god knows she had been open, now it was my turn.
"I want to be held and kissed and told I'm doing the right thing. That the life I have has meaning and that the sacrifices I've made are worth it. That I've traded children and a life of love and commitment for one where I spend my days trying to put people behind bars or on death row and my nights attending scenes of horror and death and loss, to be told that I've made the right choice"
"I go home to an empty apartment, because I'm a workaholic and my husband couldn't handle that, that I wanted the job as much as I wanted him, maybe even more, towards the end. He never understood that I couldn't walk away from it" I paused to wet my lips with my wine.
"I don't want to keep living that life, of having nothing more than work, I want to have more than death and misery and despair, I want someone who will hold me and tell me that yes, I made a difference, who will keep me anchored and sane and stop me from making the wrong decisions because I'm lost in the desire for justice, no matter what"
"I want to have someone who understands me, who understands what my life is and accepts that, so that I can have someone to love back, someone to cling to and tell them I love them and need them and want them, till death do us part" I laughed another bitter sound, even to my ears.
"I should know better than that Sharon; that never works out for me. I've had two tries at it and can't get it right, why should I expect to be lucky the third time? There are times I feel I'll die alone, never finding love again"
I looked back at Sharon, who was openly staring at me, watching me unravel in front of her.
"I want love and tenderness and comfort because my life is full of the antithesis of that. I see death and hate and malice and greed and violence every day and I wonder how I remain sane and unaffected. Some days I'm not sure I am sane" Sharon went to say something but I pressed on.
"We do our jobs Sharon, do them well, but we need more than just our jobs, to keep us sane and whole. We need more than that, surely that's not too much to ask"
Sharon leaned forward, taking my hands in hers.
"No Brenda, it's not too much to ask. We have a right to be happy" I nodded once at her as I savoured the touch of her hands.
"That's what I want Sharon, I want to love and be loved, to have someone special to share my life with. Mind you, that's a shit of a task; just ask anyone I've ever been with. They'll all tell you that I'm impossible, messy, disorganised, incredibly high maintenance, preoccupied with work and generally a pain in the ass" I shook my head as Sharon smiled at me.
"You're not telling me something I don't know Brenda" I smiled back at her.
"I wonder how I lasted this long, being on my own, then I remember that you've had it worse than me for much longer and I feel ashamed for being weak. I'm not as strong as you Sharon, I am in awe of how you manage to keep coming back in day after day, instead of giving up and going somewhere else where you'll be appreciated for the job you do" She smiled softly at me.
"It's what we are, we're police officers, it's our job. Not everyone understands. It's cost me several relationships as well" I looked up, my eyebrows ascending.
Sharon looked down at the table and sighed, as I spotted waiters heading our way with dessert.
Sharon had gone with the sticky toffee pudding with caramelised apples, dates and hibiscus, while I'd naturally gone with the chocolate, Layers of different textured chocolates, providing a kaleidoscope for the taste buds.
We paused until the desserts had been placed and the waiters quietly withdrew, leaving us to our conversation. I realised one of the reasons this place cost so much was the discretion of the staff, they knew when to be there, but more importantly when not to, for which I was extremely grateful and for which I would happily add a decent tip on top of the bill when we left.
We tucked into our desserts which elicited gentle sighs of pleasure, the dinner had been wonderful, but the desserts were heavenly. Finally we slowed down as we realised how richly decadent they were, giving me the opportunity to catch Sharon's eye and raised my eyebrow again.
She looked at me for a moment, as I held her gaze, before she sighed gently and placed her spoon down on the plate.
"I spent almost four years in a relationship with a woman named Brooke after I moved to LA. We met at a conference and hit it off, so we kept in contact and became friends. It moved from friendship to being lovers about three months after we first met"
"What does she do?" Sharon's head tilted at me as she considered my question.
"She's an attorney with the Federal Government, specialising in constitutional law" I had to laugh, which earned me a quizzical look.
"Another lawyer Sharon; honestly what is it with you and lawyers?" Sharon at least had the grace to look a little apologetic.
"She was nice Brenda, we hit it off really well and it felt like it was really right"
"Was she your first?" Sharon looked at me and nodded. "What happened?"
"She was never happy with the fact that I was a cop, that my life could be in danger, that I might have to shoot someone or end up dead. It was always a problem, until the day I went into a tactical situation, kicked in a door on a drug deal and took two slugs into the vest"
I winced, both at the knowledge of how much that would have hurt and how close it must have come to getting her killed.
"Brooke saw the bruising all over my chest and demanded to know what happened. I tried to down play it but she called a colleague at the DAs office and got the full story" Sharon shrugged. "It was the last straw, she couldn't handle the risks of my job and we broke up"
"Sharon, I'm sorry" She smiled sadly at me.
"I know honey, I know" Picking up her spoon, she took another small mouthful of dessert, smiling gently as the taste hit.
We slowly finished our dessert in silence, as I worked over what she had said.
"What made you enter a relationship with Brooke?" It occurred to me that I seemed to be asking variations of that question a lot lately. She shrugged.
"She was a nice person, great fun, pretty, charming, lots of reasons to be attracted to her, I was lonely and willing to take a chance" I nodded very slowly.
"Were you happy?" Sharon paused, the spoon halfway to her mouth, before finishing the morsel and putting the spoon back down.
"Yes I was, although I always knew that there was going to be tension about my job. I pushed that to one side to try and make it work" I knew I shouldn't ask but I did.
"Was that the only time…"
"No"
"Oh"
"Brenda, I won't lie, I enjoy it with both sexes, but that's just scratching the itch. If it was all I wanted I could get it scratched again" She snorted. "If I thought that was all either of us needed I'd take you out with me to a club or two I know of and both of us would wind up waking up tomorrow alongside someone pretty and fun" She flashed me a wicked grin.
"Hell, it'd be funny watching them swarm around you, you're very pretty, sexy when you want to be and that accent will turn on lots of women. They'd probably have catfights working out which one gets to take you home" She shrugged.
"But I don't think that's what either of us really wants, is it?" I shook my head. It surely wasn't what I wanted. I was still taking in her comment about being very pretty and sexy, feeling a tingle inside me at her words.
I looked over at the door, watching the gay guys leaving. Now wasn't that a metaphor; all aboard the gay train, now departing for destinations unknown.
"Sharon, what changed, you and I" She looked down at the table for a moment, examining the remains of her dessert.
"I wanted you. I have for a while, but I knew you were straight, so I didn't act on the attraction. Then I discovered that maybe you weren't as closed to the idea as I first thought"
"Yeah, well that came as a surprise to me too"
"When I realised there might be a chance for us, I decided to see where it might lead. Honestly, I wish I could say that I'd considered all the risks but I'd be lying, I just thought that there might be a chance for us both to be happy, together"
"I have to say, when I first realised what was going on, I was shocked. My first thought was to tell you I wasn't that way, that I wasn't interested at all"
"Why didn't you"
"Because I realised that I needed you as my friend and I couldn't see our friendship surviving that" Sharon's head and shoulders dropped as she stared at her plate.
"I'm sorry Brenda, I truly am" I reached out and rested my hand on hers, forcing her to look up.
"It wasn't your fault Sharon, it was mine"
"How, I was the one who made the move?" I smiled.
"Only because I gave out the wrong signals, if I'd been a little more disciplined I wouldn't have reacted the way I did and made you think I was interested. You must have been interested in me for a while, I simply gave you a green light" Sharon nodded quietly and then looked away, looking at another table
"I had been, I'd found myself interested in you ever since we became friends, but you were straight, so I didn't take it any further. I'm sorry for any pain I've caused you Brenda, I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry" I realised that she was starting to tear up.
"Hey, none of that Sharon, I don't want to sit here and watch you cry, you'll set me off and we can't have that" She nodded stiffly, fighting the tears. She turned to look at me, pulling her hand away from mine, her mouth a tight line as she fought to keep her emotions in check; her voice was low and sad.
"I should go Brenda, thank you for dinner, it was lovely. And thank you for being honest with me"
"I'd rather you not go Sharon, I haven't finished" She looked up at me, I could see the tears in the corners of her eyes and wanted to reach up and wipe them away, take her in my arms and hug her until they all went away. This was my friend, really my best friend and I was hurting her.
"What's to say Brenda" I've been a foolish, selfish bitch and betrayed our friendship. I don't know why you're being so nice about it; I expected, I don't know, a slap in the face or you telling me to get out of your life and never talking to me again"
"That was never going to happen Sharon, you're my friend, my best friend really, I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't do that to myself. I don't have enough friends that I can go jettisoning them willy nilly, you're a part of my life here and I need you in it"
"I'm so very, very sorry Brenda, I really am. I wish that day had never happened, that we weren't having this conversation, that we were still friends" I smiled at her.
"Oh for heaven's sake Sharon, we still are, nothing's changed" I reached out and took her hand in mine.
"There's nothing to forgive or feel sorry for sweetie, but if it helps, I forgive you all your trespasses, forever and ever amen" She looked at me with faint hope in her eyes. I realised how much my friendship meant to her and I ached for the pain she was feeling, the anguish.
"Oh god Brenda, how can you be so nice, after what I did?" I tilted my head at her, watching her closely till she dropped her gaze to focus on our hands, clasped together on the table.
"Sharon, you were lonely and alone and surrounded by four beautiful people who have love and happiness and peace, I can't blame you for wanting that too. It's what we all want"
"In a way I should be thanking you, you're a beautiful woman and to be desired by someone like you was a surprise. Once I got over the whole 'what were you thinking' thing, I was quite flattered" Sharon's cheeks coloured slightly.
"It wasn't hard Brenda; you're a beautiful woman too. People are drawn to that, I was"
"Was that after you got over the whole wanting to strangle me thing?" She smiled gently.
"Oh I thought you were very pretty even then, but I didn't really know you then, I just saw this woman who I fought tooth and nail with, I didn't know you like I do now"
"And somehow, knowing me the way you do now, you still want to be my friend, given how fucked up my life is?" Sharon looked at me, shock on her face.
"Of course I do, if you'll still have me as your friend. My life is no better than yours really" I smiled at her.
"That's not true Sharon, you have two kids who've turned out well and that's something to be truly grateful for"
"I am grateful, they're good kids, I couldn't be prouder of them"
We sat there for a minute, each wrapped up in our thoughts. I saw a waiter heading our way, but he stopped at a sharp look and moved away, giving us time and space.
"Sharon, why did you want me, you could have plenty of other people, why me?" She sighed.
"I wanted someone who I care about, who attracts me, who I could be happy with for the long term, who understands my job and what it means and why I do it. I didn't know anyone else who could be that person. I'm sorry Brenda, I really am"
"So you wanted long term, not just a 'friends with benefits' thing" She shook her head.
"No, that never works out. I wanted more than a one night stand or an affair. I wanted something more"
"How much more?" Her eyes flicked up to mine. "What did you want from me Sharon?" She looked at me and shook her head.
"Are you sure you want to hear this Brenda?" I looked at her calmly and nodded once. Sharon looked uncertain.
"Brenda, I'm ecstatic that we seem to have come out of this with our friendship intact, why do you want to reopen that wound, risk that?"
"Because I want to know the truth, to understand why you were willing to take the chance, what you thought we could have had" She bit her lip for a moment, before leaning back in her seat.
"I wanted you, I wanted you as my friend, my partner, my… lover" He voice was so soft on the last word. She paused for a moment, waiting for me to react, when I didn't, she continued.
"I wanted to try and build a life together, to have someone I respected as my partner, to have someone to come home to, to care for, to share things with, to go to sleep next to you and wake up with you each morning" I nodded slowly, picturing what she had wanted, it sounded wonderful, to not be alone, to have someone to share everything with.
"But why me Sharon? Surely someone who was gay would have been much easier, less likely to react badly, would have understood what you were offering" She shrugged, still watching me carefully.
"I didn't know anyone who was interesting and desirable and who could handle what I do, what we do, for a living. Brooke couldn't, in the end four years went out the door because she couldn't handle what I, what we do. Being a cop is hard Brenda, being the cop who polices the cops is even harder" She shrugged.
"Finding a beautiful woman who can handle that, well that just doesn't happen very often. I wonder if Jane and Anastasia really understand how truly, incredibly lucky they are, to have wonderful women who love them despite the job they do" She looked at me, eyes full of sadness.
"I know I keep saying this Brenda, but I'm so very, deeply sorry. I'm a stupid old woman who let her emotions and loneliness mess things up, who nearly destroyed our friendship and who should have known better." She spread her hands helplessly. "I'm sorry"
"Oh for heaven's sake Sharon, stop apologising. I never told you it was unwelcome did I?" She froze, obviously processing what I'd said.
"What?" Her voice came out strangled and not at all like her normal silky alto.
"I was surprised Sharon, I'd never even thought about it, until you made me think about it" She was stammering now.
"But, but you, you're straight, you're not… you're straight"
"Yes I was, I am, except maybe not as much as I thought I was" Sharon stared at me, her mouth falling open in sheer unadulterated stunned shock at what I was saying. I shrugged, a bit embarrassed at her stare. Mind you, I didn't normally get to rattle the legendary unflappable Commander Raydor calm; deep down inside me a tiny little part of me was jumping up and down in evil glee.
"Like I said, I'd never even considered it. Then you went and shoved it in front of me. Well not really you, it was Natalie and Maura and Jane and Anastasia, they showed me that it's not horrible, they're just lovely people who love each other. The fact they're women is just an accident of biology" Sharon was struggling to reclaim her balance.
"So you weren't angry, you…you actually considered it" I nodded.
"Like I said, once I got past the 'what was Sharon thinking' bit and sat down and considered what was on offer, what you were looking for, well, I won't lie, it scared the hell out of me, still does"
"But" Sharon made a 'keep going' motion with her hand.
"I sat down and was brutally honest with myself; I spent hours sitting and thinking about it, trying to come to a decision about it, you, me, us" Sharon sat perfectly still, waiting on what I had to say.
I sighed, this wasn't easy, but I had to say it.
"Sharon, I think there might be an 'us', you and I, together" Her face was completely rigid, as if she was still taking it all in.
"I won't lie, the thought scares me and I don't think I'm ready yet to fully commit to it, but I want you to know that I could see us together" She slowly closed her eyes and I held my breath, what had I done? I felt my mood suddenly soar as a small, gentle smile appeared on her face
"I'd like that Brenda, I'd like that a lot" I suddenly realised that tears were appearing in her eyes, I could feel them appearing in mine as well. We just sat there for a moment, before she suddenly stood and swept me up to my feet and into a hug. I found myself hugging her and rubbing her back, as she did the same, it felt so very good, standing there, in her arms, whispering reassurance to each other as tears ran down our cheeks.
I don't know how long we stood there, before I realised that everyone was staring at us, or trying too hard not to. Sharon must have felt it too, as she slowly let me go and we stepped back. Looking down with equally embarrassed looks on our faces, we smiled nervously before sitting down again.
I delicately brushed at my eyes, as Sharon smiled at me.
"Your makeups a mess Brenda, mine must be too. Go on to the ladies and freshen up, I'll order coffee and a hot chocolate" I frowned slightly at her.
"What about you?" She laughed gently.
"Honey, after that little display, everyone's watching us, the last thing they need to see is the pair of us disappearing off into the ladies together" I nodded, she made a very valid point. I looked around, noticing lots of eyes darting away as I looked their way, before spotting a waiter watching us discretely from a distance. I nodded gently and he made his way over as I stood up.
"I'll be right back" Sharon smiled at me.
"Don't be too long"
After repairing my makeup, I walked back to the table, relieving Sharon, who made her way to do the same. She returned as our coffee's arrived. I lifted an eyebrow at her.
"Well" She smiled; a playful flash in her eyes.
"Yes, well"
"What now?" She tilted her head to regard me.
"That's entirely up to you Brenda. Tonight's turned out even better that I could have ever hoped. The only thing better would be to take you home…" She held up her hand before I could say anything. "But I know that's too fast, too soon. But I'm more than happy to wait on you"
"Thank you Sharon, I know it's hard on you, but I just have to get myself ready for what is a very big step" She leaned over and caught my hand in hers.
"Brenda honey, I've waited this long, I can wait as long as you need" We smiled warmly at each other, as a feeling of contentment settled over me. This felt right.
"I'm sorry I couldn't come out and say it right away sweetie, but, I needed to talk, to let you know where I was, why my previous relationships failed" She nodded, smiling fondly at me.
"We're a pair Brenda, both of us married to our jobs, wasting away the lives we have outside work. I'd like to face that life with you, together"
"I'd like that too" We sat in a comfortable silence, holding hands and feeling happy. The ringing of my cell phone was the most unwelcome sound I could contemplate right now, so of course it rang. I closed my eyes in real, actual pain as I recognised the LAPD despatch ringtone.
"Oh no" I moaned. Sharon's groan complemented it.
"Answer it honey; you have to" I frowned, staring at my purse. If looks could kill an inanimate object…
Fishing out the phone I saw it was indeed despatch. A short and bitterly unwelcome call later I knew I had to leave. Cutting the call short I saw that Sharon had called for the bill.
"Sorry Sharon, there's been a death, the deputy mayor's son. They want it wrapped up quickly" She nodded as the bill appeared and I fished out my credit card and handed it over.
"Do you want me to come with you?" I smiled, it was tempting.
"Better not, I'll need to keep my mind on the job, which will be hard enough after this, let alone having you there, looking lovely" Sharon smiled at me, a wonderful open smile which only made it harder to go.
"Then let me walk you to your car and promise me you'll call if you need me"
"Always"
We collected my credit card on the way out; I didn't even think to look at the amount as I signed for it, too conscious of the case in front of me and the beautiful woman next to me.
True to her word, Sharon walked me to my car, where I stood there for a second, unsure of what to say. Fortunately Sharon came to my rescue.
"I had a lovely time Brenda, thank you for being so honest with me" I smiled back, happy to see her smile.
"Thank you for being honest with me too Sharon, I know I'm asking you to wait, but I'll get there. I want to get there, I want there to be an us, thank you for being patient"
"Hey honey, when it's something worth waiting for and this good, I'm more than happy to be patient" I smiled, as I felt my cheeks flush.
"Oh, you charmer Sharon" She grinned at me.
"I hope so, I want to charm the pants off you, sometime soon" She laughed at my expression, before leaning in to give me a hug. As we held each other I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and started to step back, before she grabbed my jacket and held me still.
Before I knew it, she leaned in and gave me a quick but deep kiss on the lips, leaving me shocked and breathless. She tasted of fruit and coffee and something else, something lovely. Finally, after what felt like minutes but must have only been a few seconds, she stepped back.
I just stood there frozen in the position she had left me, certain I had a stunned expression on my face.
"Consider that a taste of things to come Brenda. But don't make me wait too long, it's going to be hard enough as is" I licked my lips, tasting her again, before leaning in and grabbing her and pulling her in again.
This was only a few seconds as well, but it was wonderful, I felt my heart race and my breath panting as we broke away. Sharon looked lovely, all flushed and heated.
"Wow" I realised that it was my voice. She smiled at me.
"Wow indeed"
"Sharon…" She stepped back, shaking her head.
"Go Brenda, you have a job to do, go before I do that again" I growled, before turning to open up the car. Looking over my shoulder I saw her smiling at me.
"Can I call you?" She laughed happily.
"Anytime you want, for as long as you want"
"Thank you Sharon, I've got to go"
"Call me soon"
"Bye Sharon"
"Bye Brenda"
The last thing I saw as I drove off was Sharon, standing there in the car park, watching after me.
I had to fight the urge to turn around and go back. Damn it to hell.
Brenda Leigh wanted to stay, but Chief Johnson had a job to do.