Night Watch
Chapter 5 - Late Night Confessions II
Daryl Dixon

No. No. No. As the words left Beth's mouth I instantly wanted to go back in time and never have this conversation with her. There is no way that the guy she's been crushing on is me! I started thinking back to every conversation and moment we've spent together since we met to try and think of what signs I had given her, if any but I drew a blank. I don't think I've ever encouraged her to have these feelings for me so I don't know why she has. She shouldn't. She was 18 years old for crying out loud and I'm 36, she was still a child. I don't want her to like me, she can't like me. She's too innocent, sweet, beautiful and intelligent to ever want somebody like me. Zach was perfect for her and so was Jimmy, so why did she like me of all people? It didn't make sense to me.

When I told Beth that I was crushing on someone I didn't actually mean it. I just wanted to know who it was she liked in case someone was putting some pressure on her or something. When she told me who she liked I was just gonna make something up but now I can't because I don't want to upset her. She really has a crush on me? Daryl Dixon? I don't think a girl or woman has ever had a crush on me. Before all this shit happened people generally stayed away from me… after Merle got sent down for dealing people used to cross the road to avoid me. The only time people ever approached me was to find out if I was dealing for Merle whilst he was inside or to find out where Merle was so they could score. The closest thing I've ever had to a relationship was a friends with benefits thing with some girl about 5 years ago and even that only last a month or so.

I don't do relationships. I'm not the sort of guy you want to be crushing on because in the long run you will end up just getting hurt. I'll do something wrong, I always do. I mess everything up and I don't even want to entertain the idea of starting some sort of relationship with Beth, she is one of the last people I would want to hurt. I also know that if I was to ever hurt her then I would have everyone after me, they all protect Beth because of how innocent she is. Although she now understands that the walkers aren't going to get better and they are going to hill us, she still doesn't really know all of the dangers out there. She don't know about what The Governor did to Maggie in Woodbury, she don't understand that people are as big of a threat, if not more of a threat then the walkers. At least you know why the walkers want to kill you, with people you never know.

For Beth's sake I need to put a stop to all this feelings business and the only way I can do that is to be a little harsh with her but it's better it's done now and not later on. She needs to know we can't ever be like that and I don't feel the same way she does. She'll probably not want to be around me or come on night watch anymore which is probably for the best, it will be better for her in the long run. It's what needs to be done and although I care for Beth… that type of relationship would never work out with us.

"You can' feel like that" I told her but realised that she had turned away from me so she couldn't see me "Beth" I called to get her attention. She turned to face me slowly but then looked down a little, she couldn't look me in the eyes "You were right, it was stupid. You can' feel like that. It's not right. I don' like you like that and I never will" I told her harshly.

"I know" She replied "That's why I didn't wanna say anything" She added.

"Go in for tonight. Don' think you should be out 'ere" I said.

"Fine" She stated and after gathering her things she left.

I watched from the tower as she made her way slowly towards the door of C Block but then she seemed to change her mind. Her hand was on the door handle ready to open the door but then she dropped her hand, she just stood there for a few minutes with her back to me staring at the door. She eventually put her back against the wall and slid down, she brought her knees up and wrapped her arms around her knees. It looked like she was comforting herself, I felt bad. She didn't deserve to be made to feel like I just made her feel. She didn't even wanna tell me who she liked but I just pushed and pushed. It's true what they say, if you don't want the answer then don't ask the question.

"Ah hell" I muttered to myself. I made sure there was no immediate danger before leaving the watch tower. I know I'm supposed to be doing this, leaving my post, but I can't stand to see her so upset. Especially if it's my fault. I walked towards her but stopped a few steps away from her to giver her some space. It was then I really looked at her. Her shoulders were shaking up and down and she was sniffling… she was actually crying "Beth" I said softly.

"What?" She questioned harshly.

"Stay here a minute" I told her before going inside C Block. I went towards Michonne's cell and woke her gently, I asked her if she could go on watch tower duty because I needed to talk to Beth about something and we didn't need the distraction of being on watch. She instantly agreed but made me promise to get her something good on my next run, which I promised I would do. I walked outside with Michonne and watched as she went to the watch tower and once I was sure she was gonna be ok I turned my attention back to Beth who hadn't moved a muscle, like I asked of her. She looked so small and childlike "Come for a walk" I ordered.

Beth and I slowly walked round the perimeter of the prison until we found a nice secluded spot no one would hear us and we would be able to talk properly without being interrupted by anyone. We sat in silence on the ground and just stared out at the scenery, you couldn't see much as it was dark but Beth didn't mention anything. In face she didn't seem like she wanted to talk at all.

"I was harsh" I stated "I dint mean to upset you" I said.

"You did" She replied.

"I can see I did. I just wanted you to know that we can' be together. Not because there's anythin' wrong with you but because I don' wanna hurt you. I'm not the relationship kinda guy but you're clearly a relationship kinda girl. You want a happily ever after and prince charmin'. That ain't me Beth. I'm just not right for you" I explained to her, I hoped she could understand where I'm coming from.

"I'm not asking for candlelight dinners or dates to the movies or anything like that. I just want someone to make this shitty place less shitty" She said.

"What bout someone from Woodbury. I seen a few guys your age. They seem alright" I told her.

"Not my type" She replied.

"An I am?" I questioned.

"Not usually" She admitted.

"I just don' wanna hurt you" I stated.

"How do you know you will?" She asked.

"'Cause I know me" I answered.

"Well I know you too. I don't think you'd do anything to hurt me" She shot back.

Was we really even having this conversation? It wasn't a good idea for me and Beth to even think let alone talk about any sort of relationship. It would all just end in tears and she would be upset and heartbroken. I don't want that for her, she deserves better. It was true what I told her about the other guys from Woodbury, I've spoken to a few of them to get them to come on runs and things as they were 18 and old enough. They all seemed like decent guys and I've seen a few of them look in Beth's direction. Could you blame them? She was a very beautiful girl and if the apocalypse never happened then she could have been anything she ever wanted. A singer. A songwriter. Both. A professor. A race car drive. An actress… anything.

"You can't push people away for the rest of your life" She said quietly.

"I have to" I replied.

"Do you not think that knowing someone is there for you and cares for you would be better then living a lonely life? Would rather know that at the end of the day, the world might have gone to shit but you have someone waiting for you. Someone you can wrap your arms around and know you're cared for?" She questioned.

"I can'. I got responsibilities here an I can' let anyone down. I can' get distracted" I said.

"You're gonna be so lonely" She commented.

"I'm ok with that" I replied.

"Don't be" She stated.

"You an I both know it can never work, we shouldn't even have this talk" I told her.

"How do you know it can never work? How do you know we won't be the worlds biggest love story with the happiest of endings?" She questioned "You don' know that. You're just to scared to let someone in that close" She told me.

"No such thing as happy ever after. Look at the world. You really think you're gonna get a white weddin', lots of babies, make apple pie and have a white picket fence? If you think that could happen then it proves you're not ready for this world" I explained to her.

"I might be young and dumb but I know what I want Daryl and I want you" She stated.

"You can' have me" I replied.