Night Watch
Chapter 6 - Dear Diary…
Beth Greene

Judith's 1st Birthday - February 5th (We think)

Dear Diary…

Today is a day of celebration because Judith is 1 years old today. Rick decided that today he wanted to celebrate Judith being born not Lori dying. Carl felt the same way but it was agreed that Judith, Carl and Rick would go out to Lori's grave later so they could talk to her. I was proud of them for everything they were doing today, they were making it a good first birthday to remember. Sadly there would be no cakes or presents as such but I wanted to give Judith something, just so she knew I cared. I decided on one of my bracelets, a bracelet I knew she liked because she was always trying to pull it off my wrist.

Although today is a day for celebration, I still can't really be happy. Daryl is still not talking to me after I confessed that I had feelings for him. He's avoided me at all costs and told me it's better if I didn't come on night watch with him anymore… I felt like I had committed some crime against him or something. It really seemed as though he hated me and I wasn't the only one that noticed. Maggie has asked me what I had done to annoy Daryl and when my daddy found out I wasn't going on watch anymore, he automatically assumed I had done something wrong as well… thanks for believing in me… I just don't understand why liking him was such a bad thing.

I thought me and Daryl were getting along really well and we were getting closer. I thought he wanted me to come on night watch with him so we could spend more time together, I thought he wanted to get to know me and maybe he even liked me too. Even just a little bit. It seems that I was far off the mark because now Daryl hates me and can't even stand to look at me. Since that night of my confession we haven't even really had a conversation. He won't come and see Judith if I have her, he'll wait until she's with someone else before going to see her.

Really I think it's a big fuss over nothing. He is taking the whole thing out of proportion and this is why I didn't want to tell me that I had a crush on him in the first place, I knew he would act like this because it's total Daryl behaviour. When he thinks someone is getting too close he will distance himself from that person as much as he can and make it seem like he doesn't care about them. Ok so maybe Daryl doesn't hate me as much as I thought he did because I know he does care… even a little bit. When I was nearly killed by that walker he came straight to my rescue. He wouldn't do that if he didn't care.

To be honest the whole situation was stupid and I think I have not gotten the balls I need to go and confront Daryl about all of this. He needs to know that just because I care about him and like him, doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. I'm going to show him that this can be a good thing, especially with the world how it is. When we spoke about my feelings towards him, not once did he say he felt the same way. He repeated he didn't want me to get hurt and it was silly to have these feelings but he never said he didn't have them either. Maybe that's why he's so closed off. He's scared of the feelings that he has?

Or maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever the reason I still need to confront him about all of this and I will do it tonight when he's on night watch and everyone else is asleep because then no one can hear how pathetic I am and there will be no one to judge me.

I'll fill you in later…

I closed the diary and put the pen on the table and hid the diary under my mattress in case Maggie came snooping around whilst I wasn't there. I've noticed that she does that because I find her wearing my clothes sometimes, she thinks I haven't noticed. Surely it should be the baby sister borrowing clothes from the big sister… not the other way round? Well I guess we can't really talk about what's normal considering the dead are coming back to life and trying to eat the living. The world is a strange place.

I went outside and instantly spotted Daryl who was speaking to Rick. He must have felt eyes watching him because he turned around to face me before turning back to Rick and walking away out of view. I looked towards Rick and saw him looking over at me too, he used his hand to beckon me over to him which I did.

Rick was tending to his pigs and I saw that there were now piglets "Hey! When did they arrive?" I asked him indicating to the piglets.

"This Mornin'. All healthy an all alive. Momma did good" He said and rubbed momma pigs stomach "I wanted to talk to you about somethin'… well someone actually. Daryl" He said.

"What about him?" I questioned.

"What's goin' on between you two? You were really good friends an now he doesn't even wanna be within 100 meters of you. It's not like Daryl to not wanna speak to anyone in the group" He told me.

"We had a difference of opinion" I replied.

"Anythin' I can help with?" He asked.

"No thanks. I'm actually going to clear the matter up myself tonight" I said.

"Ok. Well I hope you two work it out" He replied.

When my daddy pulled Rick to the emergency council meeting just before the fence collapsed, they all spoke to Rick about becoming a council member. He didn't need to be a group leader or anything but just guide them on how to be the best leaders for the group. Rick agreed to give them advice but he didn't wanna get involved with matters personally, daddy wanted Rick to be more involved but I think it's all we were gonna get for now. I think they should leave Rick alone and let him get on with whatever it is he has to get on with, he doesn't need to be a leader if he doesn't want to… we were doing ok without him as the leader so far.

After my conversation with Rick I decided that I needed to get away from the prison and people for a little while. I needed some me time. I started wondering around and eventually found myself in the same spot as where me and Daryl had our talk the night before he cut off all sort of ties with me. As I sat down I started thinking about Daryl again… shocker… what was he so afraid of? Why can't he just let one person in, even if it wasn't me. I get that just because I like him doesn't mean he has to like me back but Daryl can't keep all of those emotions he feels locked up because it will consume him and he his downfall. He might try and play off the fact that he doesn't need anyone but to be honest, if anyone needs someone in their life it's Daryl.

He said once he does better on his own but I don't think that's true. When Rick and the other first came to the farm, he could've left if he wanted. He camped away from everyone else but he didn't leave when he could've. When we were travelling after the farm he could've left because he said Lori being pregnant was slowing everyone, including him, down but again he didn't leave. There have been lots of opportunities for him to leave if he really thinks that way but yet he's still here and taking care of us. He needs people otherwise I think he may got a bit crazy.

I turned around when I heard footsteps behind me and I saw Daryl standing there with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He looked down at me as I looked up at him, neither of us said anything, we just stared at each other in silence. Now that he was here and I could speak to him I didn't know what to say. Well I know what I wanted to say but I just don't know how to say it. Daryl is a very intimidating person and I don't want to upset him, he scares me a little when he's angry.

"You free for a minute?" I asked and he shrugged in response as he took a drag of his cigarette "I was gonna come find you tonight but now you're here I think maybe we should just talk now. We need to clear the air. We can't keep living like this, ignoring each other and you avoiding me as if I was the plague" I told him.

"It's for your own good" He replied.

"That's a cop out. You're doing this because you're scared of letting someone in. If you don't wanna let anyone in then don't but you're gonna be the miserable and lonely one. As for ignoring Judith this morning when she reached out for you because I was holding her, don't you think that was harsh. It was her birthday for crying out loud and you're one of her favourite people. I'm actually angry you did that to her. She wanted you and you just walked away" I said to him, I stood up to face him. I didn't mean to get angry but it's just all of the frustration coming out.

"I was busy" He said.

"Busy? Doing what? What was more busy then her?" I questioned.

"Just stop" He said raising his voice a little.

"Why? What you gonna do about it? Ignore me some more?" I questioned. I know it was a childish response but I don't really care right now, he has angered me.

He sighed and put out his cigarette "I came her for some peace an quiet" He stated.

"You're a jackass" I responded.

"An your stupid" He snapped.

Before I had a chance to stop myself my hand collided with his cheek "I don't even know why I liked you. Maybe it was because I didn't know the real you" I said to him and felt tears well up in my eyes "Don't you dare speak to me like that Daryl Dixon. I don't care who you think you are, I am a woman and you will treat me as such, whether it's the apocalypse or not" I told him before pushing past him and storming off.

February 5th… still

Dear Diary,

Me and Daryl have just had a huge blow out. He called me stupid and I slapped him. I hadn't meant for that conversation to go down how it did but I just lost it. I don't know who he thinks he is speaking to me like that, I've never done anything bad to him. I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe he was just showing his real colours or he was being mean so I didn't like him anymore, whatever the reason was… I think he's right and we can never have that sort of relationship. I don't think I could ever be with someone who speaks to me like that, ever.

I don't think Daryl and I could ever come back from this. I still had some sort of feelings for him, they don't just go away in a matter of seconds but I think I'll keep my distance from him too. I don't want to be near him, hopefully being away from him will help my feelings fade and then we can all go back to normal.

"Hey" I looked up and saw Daryl standing in the doorway looking very sheepish "Can we talk?" He asked.

"I don't really wanna talk right now" I stated.

"Can you listen for minute?" He asked and I shrugged in response "I just wanna say sorry for callin' you stupid. You ain't stupid. I just got a lil angry at everythin'" He told me.

"I appreciate the apology" I said.

"Wanna c'mon night watch?" He asked.

"No. I just need some time right now to think about things" I replied.

"Please, I jus' wanna tell you somethin'" He told me "You can come back after if you want" He added.

"Fine" I answered.

"Be ready in an hour or so" He said before walking away.