Dinner Discussions Part 1
Jane's viewpoint
Maura was playing games again. I'd been aware that Natalie was having an influence on her for a while now; she was more assertive, more confident and more affectionate than before we'd come to Los Angeles. I wasn't complaining though, she was full of joy, happy, playful and my life with her had changed in so many ways that I just counted my blessings every day.
It was Friday and Maura had been out late the last three nights in a row, catching up with Natalie and getting in around 9.30 most nights, they were obviously planning something though given how the last time they'd done that had turned out I wasn't complaining. Turns out I was right as Maura had texted me to be home by 6, as they had a big night planned.
Maura wasn't there when I got home, just Jo and Bass and an envelope with my name in Maura's handwriting on the kitchen table. The note inside was intriguing.
Jane,
Tonight is going to be a special night, one that I realise we both need. Please get ready for an interesting evening, a light meal awaits you in the fridge and your clothes are laid out in the bedroom, a car will pick you up at 7.30.
Tonight will be difficult for us both, but throughout everything that happens, I want you to know that my love for you is stronger than it has ever been.
I love you
Maura
I stood there, taking in her neat, clear handwriting on her expensive stationary. That was really curious, what did 'difficult' mean? 'Throughout everything that happens'?
I checked the time, I had about 75 minutes to get ready so I walked into the bedroom and found a new outfit waiting for me.
It was a tailored black pants suit, slacks and a jacket, at first glance it looked like something I would wear to work, but as I pulled it out of the plastic bag I could feel the material, silk, so soft and smooth as it ghosted between my fingers with a subtle pinstripe through it.
A new silk blouse, a rich crimson, completed it, while a set of red lace lingerie, also new, was lying in a La Perla box. I smiled; looks like Maura had some plans for me tonight. Also sitting on the bed in their box was my pair of black Laboutine patent leather pumps, resplendent with their five inch heels. They made my feet hurt after a night on them but Maura loved them for special occasions so I wore them when she asked. My set of diamond stud earrings and a simple gold chain sat draped over the dresser, so all I had to do was have a shower and get ready.
I was ready in plenty of time, I'd pottered around the house, made sure both Jo and Bass had dinner and was waiting when the car arrived at 7.30, a stretch limo which took me up into the hills over LA, as we drove I could see the scenic vistas of the city open up beneath us. The trip took almost 40 minutes through some occasionally heavy traffic, to what I guessed was some private club. There weren't too many cars parked about, so it seemed pretty exclusive.
The car finally came to a stop and a guy in a tuxedo opened the door, greeting me by name, before he led me up into the building, which had been a large mansion once by the look of it, it seemed like it dated from the golden age of Hollywood, all columns and balcony's and huge rooms and sweeping staircases.
I was led through the building until he came to a door which opened into a room about 20 feet to a side, small for this place. Inside there was a table with two chairs under a chandelier, with matching light fittings on the walls. There were two more doors leading into the room with the last wall holding windows covered in drapes.
The man in the tuxedo ushered me in and held my chair for me, I normally don't do too well with the social graces but Maura had worked hard on me and managed to buff my manners some, so I managed to let myself be seated kinda gracefully at the table.
"Please have a pleasant evening Ms Rizzoli, you will be joined shortly" I nodded and he turned and walked out, closing the door behind him. As I looked around I saw an envelope sitting on the table with my name on it. Recognising Maura's handwriting again I opened it and read the note inside.
Jane,
Tonight is a voyage of discovery, for you, not me.
I already know what I have and how truly fortunate I am, something you do not yet realise.
Place your heart and your trust in our hands for we will keep them safe.
I love you always
Maura
More and more curious, I'd picked up the plural, 'our, we', whatever was planned it seemed both Maura and Nat had had a hand in it
I was wondering what it was I didn't realise I had. It couldn't be Maura; I gave thanks to god every day I was with her, as if all those years of pain I'd lived through had been payment for the joy I'd found with her. What didn't I know I had?
As I pondered and waited, I noticed the lights in the room start to slowly dim, whatever was supposed to happen I guessed it would start soon.
I must have sat there for a couple of minutes when the door on the other side of the room was opened by another guy in a tuxedo, who stepped forward and pulled the other seat out and waited. I heard the click of heels approach the door and looked up expecting to see Maura, when Natalie walked through the door. I wanted to say something but seeing she remained silent I did the same, receiving a tiny nod of appreciation from her.
She was wearing a pants suit that matched mine, white rather than black with a cobalt blue blouse under it, holding a small black velvet bag with a drawstring keeping it closed, as always she looked beautiful. I could see a smile ghost across her lips as she took her seat.
Another waiter entered with two glasses of wine, placing them on the table, a red for me and a white for Nat, before they both withdrew, closing the door behind them and leaving us together. She'd placed the bag on the floor and sat looking at me for a moment before smiling.
"Good evening Jane, thank you for coming tonight" I decided to play along, wondering where Maura was.
"Good evening Natalie, I was expecting Maura, you're a surprise" She smiled wider.
"That was the idea. Maura and I have high hopes for tonight" I nodded slowly.
"Where is Maura?" She tilted her head to one side, contemplating me.
"At this point, she's sitting down elsewhere with Ana, no doubt they're having a pretty similar conversation to us" I frowned, elsewhere? Natalie pouted at me. "Oh Jane, don't be that disappointed, I'm sure we can have a pleasant evening, that's part of the idea for tonight" I looked at her through narrowed eyes.
"I'm not disappointed Nat, just surprised. Why exactly are our girlfriends sitting down somewhere else and why are we here?" She leaned back and folded her hands together on the table in front of her.
"That's a good question. We're here because Maura and I became aware of some thoughts about Ana and yourself that brought things into perspective for us"
"What thoughts, I'm not sure I'm following you"
"Maura has always wondered why you put her first all the time, why you subordinate what you want to what she wants, why you refuse to see what everyone around you sees, why you don't value yourself the way she does" I shrugged.
"It's simple, I love her" Nat nodded agreeably.
"And she loves you. But there always seemed a level of disconnect between how you two felt about each other. You love each other, but you always downplay your positives Jane, especially compared to how you regard Maura"
"Maura and I had a discussion with Brenda at the Ball, before that evening was so rudely interrupted" She sighed. "All that lovely build up, wasted…I had such plans…" She shook her head sadly.
"Anyway, we couldn't understand why both you and Ana refuse to see that you're beautiful, captivating, the centre of everyone's attention"
She looked at me, her blue eyes soft and wondering.
"Jane, you and Ana are two of the most beautiful women in the room, any room. We couldn't understand why you both step back and leave the limelight to Maura and I, when both of you are equally beautiful" I shook my head at her words.
"Maura's beautiful, you're beautiful, hell Ana's pretty damned good looking too, I'm nothing special, especially compared to you three" Nat sighed and shook her head.
"That's exactly the problem. Maura obviously thinks you're beautiful, I think you're stunning and Ana would never admit it to your face, but she thinks you're pretty amazing as well, but you'd deny it till you were blue in the face"
I shrugged, she was just being nice, Maura and Natalie were both stunning women, I couldn't hold a candle to either of them. As for Ana, well she had a centrefold's body, all soft curves and a wonderful smile that reflected the person inside.
"It's true, you and Maura take people's breath away, Ana too, I'm ok, nothing more"
"If you were nothing special Jane, tell me again exactly how you attracted and won the love of Maura Isles, a woman who could have her choice of men or women?" I looked down at the table before speaking, ordering my thoughts as Natalie sipped her wine.
"We had a connection, we went through a lot together and we were friends before we fell in love. I was there and I got very lucky. It wasn't as if she wanted a female lover and she picked me, I'd been her friend and we were attracted to each other, mostly because we'd been there for each other" Natalie placed her glass on the table and leaned back.
"You just don't get it do you? A beautiful woman who dominates a room without even trying, what other people need practice and props to achieve, you do without conscious thought, with you its instinct. Your power, your personality and passion, your beauty, they all combine into a devastating package, one that Maura can't resist" I shrugged.
"We love each other" Natalie frowned.
"Jane, you are either modest to a fault or a complete idiot" She sighed. "You do things to Maura that no one else can, no one ever has. Even before you became lovers you could ruin her panties with a look" I started to say something but she cut me off with a flash of annoyance.
"Oh shut up and listen Jane. That's why I'm here with you now; you'd flash that gorgeous grin and turn her to dripping mush. She sighed. "You do that to her you know. I'm a little more immune to it, enough to sit here and tell you what's actually going on"
I wisely said nothing, reaching out and sipping the red wine, it was a surprisingly good vintage, I'm not really a wine drinker but Maura has helped me appreciate good wine, which this was. As I drank Nat regarded me through hooded eyes, before she finally spoke.
"Jane, you also need to know one thing, a critically important thing. Everything we talk about tonight goes no further, not even to Ana" She leaned forward in her chair, her hands clasped together.
"I will not mention anything we discuss tonight with Maura, that's for you if you choose to. You can talk to Maura about anything we talk about tonight, but what Maura and I shared and what we are sharing tonight is for us alone. I want you to understand that I will never betray your confidence"
I frowned into the glass, what was she getting at? Before I could ask she was speaking again.
"Much of what we're likely to discuss, the only three people who know are you, Maura and I" That got me a little worried actually. What exactly had Maura told her? As I placed the glass down on the table Nat continued, obviously she'd read the look on my face.
"Pretty much everything Jane, your past, her past, your shared lives, your hopes and dreams for the future, for the past three nights Maura and I have spent our time learning everything there is to know about the two most important people in the world, you and Ana."
I must have looked as appalled as I felt.
"Jane, you have to understand why we are doing this. Maura loves you, she loves you enough to do this, to let me sit here and talk to you. Someone close enough to care for you deeply, but is also removed enough to be objective" She shrugged.
"I told Maura pretty much the same things about Ana, I trusted her with the most precious thing in my life, the person I love more than anything and she did the same with me. I'm honoured to have her trust and I want you to know that I treasure her and you"
I sat there for a few moments, trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened, what Maura wanted from me, what Natalie was going to tell me, what it meant for all four of us.
"This changes everything, you know that don't you" Natalie looked across at me, then silently nodded. "If Maura told you as much as you're saying she did, then you know more about me than anyone else besides her, more than my family, my partners, anyone else"
"Yes, that's why I told you everything we discuss is confidential" I thought about it.
"What do you get out of this?" She shrugged.
"I help make two people I care about even happier and Maura helps Ana and I"
"In what way?" Natalie looked me over as she toyed with her wine glass, a speculative look on her face.
"When we first met, I wondered about you, what it was that had captivated the smartest woman I've ever met" She tilted her head to one side, regarding me quietly for a moment.
"I mean, you're attractive, even though you go to ridiculous lengths to deny it. When you stop trying to hide it you're a beautiful woman" I went to say something but she cut me off. "No Jane, this is a night for complete honesty, I'm not here to listen to you being modest or polite, I'm here to tell you the truth and that's what I want to hear from you" She shook her head.
"As I said Jane, I'm here to tell you some truths. You may not believe them, you may not want to hear them, but you will listen to me tonight"
"What sort of truths?"
"That Maura believes you to be the most beautiful woman she's ever met" I shrugged, despite the warmth that thought brought me.
"She's biased. There are lots prettier women that we know, Alex and Olivia in New York, Ana and you here, Brenda and Sharon even, I'm nothing special"
"Jane, Maura can't tell a lie remember, she considers you beautiful, inside and out, an opinion I happen to share" I sat there, looking at her, trying to find something to say. Natalie gave a tiny nod and leaned forward.
"You're strong, protective, dedicated, loving, loyal, devoted to the ones you love and to doing the right thing. You've survived things that would have broken a weaker person and emerged stronger and better for it. The fact that such a collection of outstanding traits is found in a beautiful woman is just the icing on the cake as far as we're both concerned"
I felt my cheeks warm, I wasn't used to the compliments and I was getting embarrassed. It didn't stop Natalie though.
"Maura wonders how she was ever fortunate enough to attract your attention, let alone your love" I couldn't leave that comment alone.
"How she was fortunate…? I'm the one that's unbelievably lucky to have her, not the other way round"
"Jane, Maura told me of her life before you entered it. She wasn't the person she is now; Maura considers everything before you arrived in it as being a pale shell of real life. She only started living when you appeared in her life and opened a world of friendship, acceptance and love to her" I shrugged.
"She needed a friend; I was the one lucky enough to be there for her"
"Yes you were, but you went above and beyond being a friend, didn't you? Willing to do anything to protect her, anything at all"
"Yes, but I loved her"
"Yes you did. Did it ever occur to you that Maura wondered what she gave to you, what made her worthy of being your friend?" What made her worthy…? Maura?
"She's a wonderful person, smart, giving, gentle, she's just…Maura"
"That she is. Jane, you know you love Maura and Maura loves you, but Maura wonders what she can offer someone who is everything she needs"
"Just being there, that's all I need" Natalie nodded as she leaned forward.
"I completely understand, but Maura needs you to know that without you she'd be nothing, her life an empty shell, she needs you, your presence, your approval and your love" I sat there for a few moments, working through what Natalie had said. Finally I looked up at her.
"So what you're saying is that Maura needs me to be happy" Natalie's answer contained absolute certainty.
"No Jane, Maura needs you to live"
The silence that followed was deafeningly loud. I considered what I was going to say, before deciding to say nothing, taking a sip of wine instead as Natalie waited. Finally she sighed, realising I wasn't going to respond.
"Maura told me to tell you we can do this the easy way or the hard way" I decided to push back a bit; I'd been dancing to her tune so far.
"What's the hard way?" I looked on as she smirked at me, before picking up the black cloth bag, opening the drawstring and reaching into it.
As I watched she pulled out a luxurious silk sleeping mask and laid it on the table.
Natalie was watching me carefully as she reached in again and pulled out a set of fur lined leather cuffs, laying them besides the mask. I swallowed as I looked at those cuffs. They wouldn't leave any marks, but once buckled on, you wouldn't be able to get them off, they were joined by several chromed steel links, obviously of fine quality, combining form and function in a quite erotic package.
"What the hell is this? No way" Natalie remained calm, nodding slowly.
"Maura said that would be your reaction. Jane, that woman knows you better than you know yourself. We can have a civilised discussion where you don't clam up or we can do this the hard way, your choice"
"What makes you think I'd let you use those on me?" Natalie smiled quietly at me.
"Three reasons. Firstly, I'm here on Maura's behalf and you would do anything she'd ask, same as she would do anything for you. You both live for each other, something I can completely understand" I couldn't argue with that so I left that well alone.
"And the second?"
"As her letter said, place your trust in our hands" I nodded slowly.
"And the third?" She reached out and picked up her glass, before leaning back.
"Because I would ask you to" I thought that one over for a while as Natalie watched me, sipping her wine. Finally she placed the glass back down and leaned forward.
"Jane, do you trust Maura?" I nodded without hesitation.
"With my life, implicitly" She nodded, like a teacher getting the correct answer.
"Do you trust me?" I thought about that. I'd known Nat and Ana for only a couple of months, but they'd never done anything to make me distrust them. On the contrary, they had proven worthy of our trust plenty of times. They were our friends, up there with Frost and Korsak and Alex and Olivia. They couldn't be our friends without that implying a level of trust.
"Yes"
"Thank you Jane. I appreciate that and for what it's worth to you, I trust you completely" She pushed the sleep mask across the table. "Please place that over your eyes"
I looked at it sitting there for a moment, considering what she was asking, before coming to a decision, picking it up and holding it over my eyes, it was soft but blocked every hint of light, leaving me plunged in darkness. With the loss of my sight, I became aware of every noise in the room. I could hear my breathing, the creak of wood as Natalie left her chair and the click of her heels on the floor as she walked around to stand behind me.
I started a bit as her hands smoothed my hair down, before I felt her take hold of the silk ribbons of the mask and pulled them gently tight, tying them behind my head and holding the mask in place.
"Thank you Jane, please place your hands in your lap." I almost refused, wondering if she was going to shackle me, before I heard her walk back to her chair and it creak as she sat down.
"I've deprived you of the most acute of your five senses, to make you reliant on the others. The one that's most important right now is your hearing" I nodded.
"I understand, this way you make what you're saying the most prominent thing in the room, making me concentrate on your words more than I might otherwise" I could hear the smile in Nat's voice.
"You're a lot smarter than you let on Jane, for all you sometimes play at the blue collar, dumb cop you're so much more than that. Maura told me you could have gone to Boston Cambridge so I checked your scores. Pretty much any degree you wanted, including medicine, you could have got into"
"Yeah well, I wanted to be a cop"
"Jane, I know the real reason" I thought about that, Maura had told her that? What else had she told her? Natalie must have read into my silence what I was thinking.
"Jane, Maura and I spent the bulk of the last three nights learning about you and Ana, swapping stories, our histories, our experiences, what we love about you both. We didn't do it to break confidences; we did it because we care, she loves you and I love Ana"
I thought about that, Maura trusted Natalie enough to talk about stuff like that, trusted her enough to send her to me to talk me through tonight. I thought about that for a while, while Nat gave me time to think.
I realised also that Natalie trusted Maura; she had opened herself up and talked about her life with Ana, probably the same mix of good and bad things that Maura had talked about. They trusted each other. That left the big question though.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Finally we get to the important question. Because Maura loves you Jane, the same way I love Ana. We have come to understand that neither you nor Ana understand exactly how worthy you are of being loved, of how you are Maura's equal and how she can't live without you" I heard the chair creak as she shifted in it.
"Maura is awed by the fact that you chose to love her, she wonders how she ever got so amazingly fortunate, how she was ever worthy enough to be yours"
"I'm the one who has to be worthy of her"
"Jane, what would happen to you if she left you?" I winced, the pain of the thought alone pierced right through me. Natalie must have seen it. "How well would you cope?" I thought about downplaying my response, until I realised that Natalie could see right through me, armed with all Maura had told her. Damn it.
"I'd fall apart" I remembered how bad it was when we were estranged after I shot Maura's biological father and that was back before we became lovers. Now it'd be infinitely worse. The words were difficult; it was hard to admit how weak I was. "I'd be an emotional cripple"
"Then what the hell makes you think Maura would be any better" I thought about that for a moment.
"Maura's one of the most competent people I've ever met, she made her way through life, becoming the person she is, the one I fell in love with, long before I came along. She'd still be that person, beautiful, smart and capable, if I wasn't here"
"Jane, that was before you became an essential part of her life. Now Maura has had your love, it's a drug she needs, she's an addict and you're the drug that makes life worth living. That's something I completely understand, I feel the same way about Ana" I nodded.
"Yeah, you two have a connection, you're good together"
"That's exactly what we thought about you and Maura; it was obvious from the moment we knew you, that you and her were made to be together. You each complete the other" I shrugged, tilting my head to one side.
"She's everything I've ever wanted, I love her"
"And she loves you. That's not the issue though; you don't understand how much you mean to Maura, she worships the ground you walk on Jane" I was surprised at the intensity of her words, as if she was desperate to convince me she was right. "Maura is awed that a woman of your strength, your power, your beauty, loves her"
"Of course I do, like I said, I'm really fortunate, I won the lottery"
"Exactly how Maura feels. You have to understand Jane, as much as you feel you're not really worthy of her, Maura feels the same way"
"What? But she's amazing, beautiful, brilliant, she's…everything. Anyone would want that, want her"
"Exactly the same thing could be said about you. You fit all of those same criteria; you could have been describing yourself" I snorted. Me?
"I'm nothing like her" Her laugh was quick and rich.
"Jane, who are you trying to kid? Me? I know too much about you for that to work"
"What do you mean?" I heard her chair creak as she stood up and walked around the table, I could hear her heels on the floor as she moved to stand behind me. I was unprepared though when her voice softly ghosted into my ear.
"Let's talk about all those men and woman who watch you stride into a room and take charge; they look at you and want you, those who aren't awed or intimidated by you" She was silent for a second, before her voice came to me from over the other shoulder, my head turning naturally to follow her voice.
"That silly reporter hitting on you back in Boston the night you and Maura came out as a couple, that woman at the Ball who couldn't stop fawning over you or that actress at The Intersection, all those other men and women who drool over you, they see you and want you Jane, because you're amazing" I shook my head at her words.
"I don't think so" I heard her sigh. I could hear her footsteps as she walked away for a moment before returning.
"Jane, your hands, please move them behind the chair back" I swallowed; I knew exactly what she was going to do.
"Why?"
"Trust Jane, that's why" I thought about it, before realising I really had no choice; I trusted Maura and Natalie was here as Maura's surrogate. I moved both hands behind the chair back and held them there.
"Thank you Jane" I felt her place a gentle kiss to the top of my head, surprising me, before taking one hand and fastening the cuff around it, the comforting softness of the fur around my wrist mitigating the unyielding firmness of the leather. Seconds later the other was cuffed and I was held in place.
I heard Natalie's heels as she walked around the space around me.
"Jane, I'm going to tell you something that no one else knows, not Ana, not Maura, no one" I turned my head to follow her footsteps as she walked up next to me.
Suddenly I felt her weight settle on my thighs, I could feel her thighs resting against mine as she straddled my legs, sitting on them facing me. I was unsure what was happening so as usual when I was out of my comfort zone I reverted to sarcasm.
"Comfy there?" Her voice was rich and low and amused.
"Oh very" I was feeling awkward, I could feel her body's warmth through the silk and was aware of how close she was, I could hear her gentle breathing in the silent room, so she must have been leaning in close, then she spoke quietly in a reflective tone, her mouth only inches from my ear.
"Jane, I have a sister, Lauren. She's pretty, smart, loving, all you could ever want in a sister. When she heard about Ana she couldn't understand why I'd switched teams, I hadn't had a gay thought in my life and then suddenly I'm sleeping with a woman? She was a bit...confused" I nodded, that's something I could understand, some of our family's still don't accept that me and Maura are together.
"That Christmas was the first one after Ana's father died, so she came with me to my parents place in Wyoming, Lauren was there as well. To say she was curious was an understatement, but after a couple of days she told me that she understood why I'd fallen for her, just how much we meant to each other, how wonderful a person she was" I nodded again.
"You two are good together, it's understandable to want someone like that in your life, everyone wants that"
"True, the marathon two and a half hour session we had in bed on Christmas Eve may also have something to do with it, we spent the entire time either fucking like mad or wrapped up in each other's arms making slow love" She laughed softly. "Unbeknown to us Lauren was in the next bedroom with her ear against the wall and her hand shoved down her panties the whole time"
I could hear the mirth in her voice at the memory, while I felt myself getting a little hot and bothered at the imagery. I fell back into my usual defence, sarcasm.
"Merry Christmas" I could hear the grin in her voice.
"Oh it was, very merry" She must have read my expression as she laughed, before settling herself back on my thighs and continuing.
"Lauren made me promise that if I ever found another Ana, man or woman, to call her immediately and she'd be on the next flight. I've only found one person I'd ever consider a match for Ana and suitable for my beautiful little sister, unfortunately you're taken"
I suddenly realised what she was saying and was speechless, I chewed my lip as I tried to work out what to say. Finally I managed to get the words out past the lump in my throat.
"Thank you"
"Don't thank me Jane, it's the truth. But that's not the secret I was going to tell you"
"Oh?" I didn't understand what she was getting at. Her voice was a soft purr in my ear.
"The secret is that even if you weren't taken, I wouldn't call Lauren. I'd keep you for myself" I felt myself stiffen in the chair, the word springing unbidden.
"What?" Her voice was even softer.
"If I wasn't with Ana and you were available, I'd do whatever it took to make you mine" I was still trying to grasp what she was saying, when I felt her lips on mine, a gentle, soft kiss. Before I could respond, it ended and Natalie stood, swinging her leg over mine and moving around me again. Finally I started to speak.
"Natalie…" Her voice was a soft whisper near my left ear.
"Hush Jane, just accept that you're extraordinarily desirable, that you're someone who everyone wants, Ana thinks you're wonderful, under other circumstances I'd want you and Maura, well she's the lucky one who managed to capture your heart"
I sat there, still trying to process everything that Natalie had said. To hear a woman that lovely say that she wants you, that you're someone she would desire and want to love, that's powerful. In this case it was also completely unexpected. Before I could speak she spoke again.
"There's only one reason I'm not consumed with envy, that's because in Ana I've found your equal. I love her more than I can ever put into words, so how could I possibly begrudge you and Maura having the same thing?"
I thought back to the love they shared, it was something special, two beautiful women who loved each other heart and soul, born to be together. We'd seen that almost from the first moment we'd met, they were so lucky to have each other, the same way we were.
"I'm blessed to love Maura and have her love back. Without her life'd have no meaning, I need her" I could hear the smile in Natalie's reply.
"And she needs you; fortunately neither of you are going anywhere so you're stuck with each other" I smiled, I couldn't imagine life without Maura in it, like I'd told Ana that day back at the range, Maura brought light and sunshine into my life, made the darkness fade away. To realise that she needed me as much as I needed her, it brought a calming peace to me, I felt the reality of that flow into me.
"I'm lucky, to have her, to know that she'll be there when I need her, to not be alone"
"Of course you're not alone; you and Maura are a matched set, just like Ana and I, you're only whole together" I heard the sound of her heels behind me as she strolled around me.
"Do you understand just how powerful your hold over Maura is? How much she adores you?" I went to say something when I felt a finger on my lips, stilling me. "No Jane, let me finish" I heard her heels move past me, then the creak of wood; Nat must be leaning against the table, her voice coming from in front of me.
"Maura loves it when you dominate her, take charge in the bedroom, fuck all the intellect out of her and leave her a wanting mess of emotional goo, curled in your arms" Nat chuckled for a moment. "I can't say I blame her, that sounds lovely" I swallowed, realising just how much Maura and Natalie had shared.
"She also loves it when you give up that dominance, hand control over to her, so she can tame you, if only for a moment. It's a sign of the total trust you have in her, which is something only she ever sees. Both of you love being in control, you're more overt about it, Maura more subtle, but both of you are dominants in your lives; you unconsciously dominate the people around you.
"That carries over into your bedroom. Maura adores it when you bend her over, hold her down, your strength as you force her to submit as you fuck her from behind with a strap on. And you get off doing it to her, having that control, that dominance, just as much as she does being dominated, made to submit to your needs"
I felt my cheeks burning, Maura had told Natalie that? Oh god, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was trying to think of something to say when it got worse.
"The same way she gets off whipping your ass as you shove your face into a pillow to muffle your screams as she finger fucks your ass. To have the power to make a magnificent creature like you submit to her, to be under her control, the thought alone makes her soaking wet" I swallowed into a suddenly dry mouth. Oh god, she knew about that, I felt like I'd die of embarrassment. Natalia, unsurprisingly, was unfazed by my discomfort.
"But the part of you she loves the most is the when neither of you are in control, when your just two lovers, equals, sharing a life together. When both of you can let go of the outside persona's you show to the world, be the person you are when you're alone with her, with no need to be in control, no need to be defensive because you hold each other's lives in your hands, safe and secure" I could hear the wood creak as she levered herself off the table and moved to stand near me.
"Only Maura see you like that Jane, she's awed to be the one you trust enough to show her that side of you" Natalie's voice softened.
"And that's the reason why we'd never have worked Jane, I understand that the love you and Maura have isn't something either of you would have or could possibly have with anyone else"
I swallowed, understanding what she was saying. Maura needed me as much as I needed her. We were perfect for each other, together.
"Besides, you've ruined each other for anyone else. How could either of you settle for something less than what you already have" I nodded slowly, thinking it through.
"I couldn't. She's the only one" I remembered something Provenza had said at the Ball. "I'll never find another like her"
"Of course you won't and you won't have to, Maura aches for you the same way you crave her. She can't contemplate a life without you, the same way you couldn't imagine living without her"
"Maura and I need each other"
"Yes, but I'm also saying you deserve each other. You need to understand that Maura feels as grateful that you love her as you do that she loves you in return"
I nodded slowly. Maura had often told me that she was grateful for the changes in her life, that I was the one who had helped her become the person that she always wanted to be.
I remembered when we'd had our first fight, not long after we'd first got together. It was a stupid thing in retrospect, I'd not wanted to get dressed up in a dress and heels for a charity function, Maura had insisted and I'd eventually caved as I always did. We'd behaved as friends, not letting on how much more we were to each other, we hadn't told anyone we were a couple yet.
I'd seen several men hitting on Maura and it had got to me, my insecurities at work. We'd had some words about it on the way home which had blown up into a row, before I took myself off to the guest room. I was laying there, not able to sleep without her comforting presence next to me, berating myself for being a complete jerk, finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up to apologise to Maura.
I'd heard her crying in the bedroom from the hall outside, opening the door to find her an emotional wreck, bawling her eyes out; the sight had broken my heart. Before I could apologise, she'd thrown herself into my arms, begging my forgiveness. It had only made me realise what an ass I'd been, not to mention love her more.
Now, looking back, I could see that Maura had been terrified that I'd not want to be with her, she'd been insecure about me sticking with her. I didn't understand it at the time but now I understood why.
"Maura didn't think she deserved me, did she?"
"Partly, same as you don't believe you deserve her" I nodded slowly, as the realisation crept over me.
"But we do deserve each other" Natalie's voice was soft and warm.
"That you do. You and Maura are equals in every way. More than equals, you compliment each other. You've each given something of yourself to the other, changed each other in so many ways, all good" I heard a ringing tone; she'd flicked the wine glass with her fingernail, the tone sharp and crisp.
"Since when did Jane Rizzoli drink red and like it? Maura Isles drinking beer and discussing football? You walking into a room full of your fellow officers in a stunning gown and heels and captivating everyone you meet? Maura charming people she's never met before and exuding confidence and charisma? None of that would have happened before you got together"
I sat there for a moment, as the realisation of what she was saying took hold. Maura and I needed each other, we needed to be together to be complete. We'd changed in so many ways, large and small, thanks to each other, I wasn't the person I'd been and neither was she; we were both better people for it.
I'd changed Maura, helped her be someone she'd wanted to become, helped her find the life she had always wanted. I doubt she'd ever imagined that she'd find happiness with an Italian-American female cop, same as I'd never imagined that I'd be completed by a woman who in so many ways was everything I'm not, but now, I couldn't imagine life without her and Maura felt the same way.
I was much happier and calmer than I'd ever been, Maura had given me a sense of belonging and contentment that I'd never had before. It seems that I'd managed to do the same for her; together we'd changed, all for the better. She'd changed for me and I'd changed, all because of her.
"She loves me, as much as I love her" Natalie's voice came softly to me, close to my ear.
"Yes she does, you love each other. That's the reason for tonight. You needed to understand that you deserve each other, that you're Maura's equal and her yours, that you are as much worthy of her love as she is of yours" Her voice moved away as she walked around me.
"That's why we set this up tonight. You needed to hear it from someone who knew as much about you both as anyone, someone you'd trust, someone who wants you both to be happy"
I nodded, I'd never really believed it before, but Natalie, knowing so much about us, could spell it out, help me see what she and Maura already knew. That's what Maura had meant in her letter. I'd needed to learn what she already knew, how much we deserved, wanted and needed each other.
"I am lucky…and so is she" I could hear the gentle satisfaction in Natalie's voice as she walked towards me.
"Exactly"
I felt her lips on mine, chaste, gentle and tender, before she pulled back. I tried not to miss the contact as I heard her heels move around behind me.
"Let's get you out of these Jane" My wrists moved as she undid the cuffs, first one then the other, I automatically brought them round and up into my lap as they were freed, as Natalie undid the sleep mask, before lifting it carefully away, giving me time to let my eyes adjust to the brightness.
I looked round to see her standing there, Beautiful and tall and lovely, a small smile on her face. I felt a rush of affection for Natalie; she cared, in a way so few ever had. Maura and I were so lucky, to have a friend like her, someone we could always count on to be there for us.
Without thinking I stood and turned, dragging her into a hug, just holding her as her arms wrapped around me, feeling her here with me for a moment, before she slowly stepped away. Her eyes were bright and glittered with a hint of unshed tears as she smiled at me before reaching out a hand.
"C'mon Jane, let's go find our better halves"